freebird1781's story

8 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Mar 4 - 9PM
freebird1781
freebird1781's picture

freebird1781's story

Somebody that I used to know

I wasn't married to my narc, but we had a relationship for about a year and a half...and it's amazing to me how much I changed in that period of time. I went from someone who knew her boundaries, who laughed at the idea of ever being taken advantage of, to someone who degraded herself at every turn in order to keep a selfish egomaniac alcoholic in her life. I allowed this guy to tear me apart from my family and some of my friends, nearly put me into bankruptcy, start down the road to alcoholism, and nearly lose me my job.
We never "dated". He would never let me put that label on it. In the beginning it was just sex but it became something more. I'm 6 years older than him, and I know that bothered him. He would always hold it like a carrot over my head, like if I was younger, or did this, or changed that about myself, then he "absolutely" would date me. Even though we basically were dating the entire time, and all his friends and my friends knew it. I always knew intuitively though that he didn't want to put the label on it because he didn't want to seem unavailable to anyone else. Horrible.
He made me pay for everything we did...this happened so gradually and he had such a good excuse (poor college student), and I wanted to take care of him so badly, that I never really put up too much of a fight about it. He was always there, all the time...he was the only man in my life and he told me I was the only woman in his. We had such great times in the beginning...even though my friends and family saw right through him and continually told me to break it off with him.
I didn't care; I'd never met anyone like him. He was bold and charismatic, and even though his body wasn't that great and he wasn't the best looking guy in the world, there was absolutely no one else that held any interest for me. He was an alcoholic, and still is, of that I have no doubt. He drinks to the point of blackout every Thursday through Sunday and would take pulls from a bottle just while sitting around playing video games the rest of the time. But he completely had me under his spell. I wanted to rescue him, and I even told him at one point, that was the attraction for most girls to him...they could all sense that lost puppy thing about him. He loved that.
Like I said, I knew intuitively that he was pursuing outside supply the whole time. I knew most of his friends, and they knew me, but once in a while he would mention doing something with a "friend". A vague "friend" and that was all I would get. He had all these "platonic" girl friends he would sleep with...just SLEEP in the same bed with, he claimed, when he was out of town or whatever. And he would always tell me about it when it happened, and act like it was no big deal and I was overreacting if I got upset about it. If I pushed him at all, about anything, he would just shut it down, conversation over. So eventually I learned not to push. I became such a meek, ingratiating little worshiper of him...and I KNEW it. I hated myself. He had so many yes-women, so many enablers who allowed him to continue his alcoholic ways. And for the year I was with him, I was probably the worst one. I bought him whatever he wanted, fed him, took care of him when he was drunk, drank WITH him constantly. I wanted him so badly that I ignored my self-loathing and soldiered on. On the other hand though, soooo many times I was like that's it, it's over. And I would make the decision that I would never contact him again, only to have him seek me out again and win me over with his charm, and basically just his certainty that I would come back. It always made me feel like oh, if he's so sure that I'll be around for him, then he must not be guilty of doing anything wrong. Surely he couldn't screw me over and come back and be so confident. If only I had known then what I know now about narcs, I would've seen right through his bullshit. And I'm not completely stupid; a part of me did see right through it...he just made me feel so good when I was with him that I didn't care. At first anyway.
At the peak of our relationship, he made all kinds of promises, like I should move to Minneapolis when he graduated, we should take a trip to Cancun in January...and I bought everything he said. But there were always weird things that should've made me run screaming in the other direction. At about the 6 month mark I told him I bruised easily one day...and that set off about a week-long habit of him just punching me in the legs as hard as he could. He made it seem like a game, like it was fun, so I was like well, OK...the only reason he eventually stopped was because my 6'5" 220 lb. cousin saw my legs and asked me about it and subsequently had words with him. He would always remark on how hot other women were in front of me...and apparently his requirements for being hot were not that rigorous, because he said it all the time. There were a couple periods of what he called "sexual frustration" for me...he would withhold sex for seemingly no reason at all, for about a week at a time. And he acted like he was doing me this big favor by having sex with me when he eventually came around. You know, writing this, I'm wondering what I ever saw in him at all, really. The thing is though, we had this amazing chemistry...I'd never been in a relationship that was so intense and passionate before. Sure we fought, intensely...but then we would intensely make up. I felt so alive. The lows were so so low, but the highs were so. So. High.
Gradually though things started to change...after I told him I loved him he started critiquing my appearance (I should get a boob job, even though in the beginning he'd said he didn't like large breasts...I should get my teeth whitened...one night when he was drunk he went so far as to say if I did that, he would date me...I wasn't as pretty as his ex-gf, the one that had dumped him and he claimed he'd never gotten over). I caught him in lies about other girls several times, and things just kept deteriorating...but he kept it going because I feel like we really did have these strong feelings for one another, even if circumstances (and the fact that he was a narc) made things difficult. He's moved away now, but he still calls, still texts, even though he says we both need to move on. I have not been able to go NC yet; I never once have contacted him, but I find it too difficult to ignore him at this point...he still has such an intense hold on me, although it is getting better, I think. When I find myself missing him, I try to focus on some of the shitty things he put me through (and God knows I have plenty to choose from). But the want is still there, the desire...I know I was addicted to him, and still am. My last fix wasn't that long ago, I was in his city and we went to a concert together and it was more of the same...but now we aren't talking as much. And I know that's good...and I highly doubt that I will ever initiate contact with him again...but I know that deep down there's still a little part of me that is just waiting for him to do it. He called me last night at bar close; he was drunk and lost in the city. We chatted a little, he said he wished I was there, which broke my heart, then he got another call and said he'd call me "right back". He never did, like I knew he wouldn't. Part of me, the addicted part, takes a little satisfaction in knowing that he turned to me when he was lost and alone(and drunk, so not as inhibited), and that he still said he wanted me...but I also know that I fell into his trap, that he was probably just making sure that I'd still be there if he ever wanted to come back again. Now he knows...and now he won't talk to me for a while again. And I feel used and betrayed all over again. It sucks.
Wow I wrote a LOT...it just feels so good to get this all out...I actually remembered some things I had forgotten as I was writing.

Jun 3 - 1PM
MissScout
MissScout's picture

freebird1781

Apr 4 - 10PM
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

Freebird

Mar 18 - 8PM
MissScout
MissScout's picture

So much in common

Mar 6 - 1PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Minnesota appears to be

Mar 7 - 2AM (Reply to #4)
freebird1781
freebird1781's picture

thank you

Mar 5 - 9AM
Maggster
Maggster's picture

Somebody I Used to Know

Mar 5 - 5AM
Dorothy1
Dorothy1's picture

I feel your pain. It's