Like many of us, I read here frequently, but rarely post. There are so many intelligent and wise people on this site...please know you have helped me save my life. The last 9 months has been the most painful of my life, but within that time I have learned so much about myself and how I got into this horrible, life altering situation. I am cleaning up the mess from my childhood (even dreamed that the other night).
Although I have maintained 100% NC after the N completely d&d'd me, and left me for another victim, I have spent a lot of time ruminating about "us". I am 100% sure I don't want him, but sometimes I think I want him to hoover, so I can ignore him more. Its really just my ego talking to me, making me think its a good idea. Believe me I know he will never be human.
Although I can be a total scrapper at appropriate times, I think I am too forgiving. I have learned that through a lifetime of forgiving my N father (and his N wife), my psychopath sister, and my bpd mother. I am currently struggling with that - knowing when its ok to forgive someone and keep them in your life and when to forgive them and let them go. I guess I am at least now aware of the issue and can work forward from there. I have daily contact with my N father. He has paid for my divorce, and as an amazing lawyer, gone over every piece of legal documentation from my exH . My father has been very supportive. I know its because I was a broken person and he can feel like my savior, but I'm going into that with my eyes wide open, and know what will probably happen when I'm back on my feet. He always says, "that's what fathers are for", maybe he's softening because he's 84? I will never allow my sister back into my life..I have learned from this experience that she will never change (in classic fashion, she has mostly abandoned her children). I have talked to my mom and my brother about it and we know she will always do the same thing...we're done.
In four days I am driving across country with my beautiful boys to start a new life. Pulling a uhaul with my two boys, my mother and my dog. Haha....crazy girl:-) Processing this in my brain; that I let this man alter the lives of my boys is the most difficult thing for me to forgive myself for. But, I am trying. We have had many cry fests...I tell them we are going toward my family (my brother and his family) and to a place where I can better support myself. Deciding to give away almost everything I own and truly start clean has been very liberating. Let go of the stuff...it really doesn't matter. What matters are the people and the dog in the car with me:-) My relationship with my daughter isn't good...I'll post on that later. I really need help.
I am finally getting to a place where I can breathe, smile and feel joy. Currently reading Eckart Tolle...both books. Its all about me now, because I can spot a N or bpd a mile away...haha..yay!! I know to just stay away...don't fight back..it doesn't help, won't change anything...quietly walk away and save your life.
For you beautiful people who are new...please, please, please listen to the mods and experienced posters...they know what they are talking about. FOLLOW THEIR ADVICE...its so hard sometimes, but you are worth it and it works; you have to do it for yourself. You've gotta save your own life. And thank you to the mods and experienced posters..thank you for helping me.