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  5. Found a receipt from a trip we took 6 months ago....

Found a receipt from a trip we took 6 months ago....

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#1 Aug 4 - 7AM
Deidre40
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Found a receipt from a trip we took 6 months ago....

I think you know you’ve healed…when you can stumble upon something from the past, and it doesn’t cause you tears, anger, or really anything. I cleaned out some old receipts today from my purse (my purse is a junk heap half the time) and found an old receipt from the trip we took together 6 months ago. It’s been six months, wow. I looked at the receipt…remembered when we shared coconut shrimp, an appetizer. I remember what I wore. Remember where we were…it was so serene, and I remember thinking…wow, whatta great guy. It was as though it never happened, and that receipt was there to remind me…it did happen. But, I crumpled it up, and threw it away…and I smiled. Thinking back to it all…and realizing how far I’ve come and how far you all have come here on this site. I don’t post much here anymore…not for any particular reason, just cutting back my time online, in general.

On another note…talked to a good mutual friend, who I know is part of the ex N’s minions, but I don’t care anymore. I’m kinda past it all, in relation to all that now. That said, he ‘informed’ me last night, that the ex N has a new gf, but that everyone feels he talks her up so much, to avoid anyone asking about me. He told me…’’D, he still hurts over you. That’s just my take.’’

I dunno…can narcissists feel pain? Maybe. I said in reply…’’that’s all in the past now. Maybe he talks about this new person because he really does care.’’ He said, ‘’Well, he hasn’t changed his FB status and he still is active on a dating website.’’ (guess I’m not the only one who looks up people on dating websites…) But, I share this with you, because it no longer matters to me…I know he won’t ever truly change, deep down. He’s a narc…and always will be. Subtle nuances may change, but his core won’t change.

The fact that he’s still showing active on a dating site, not surprised either. But…such is life in narc-ville. Lol I do feel sorry for the new person. She probably has absolutely no idea …that he is on a dating website. Probably wonders why he isn’t changing his FB status. We know the drill.

Finding this receipt today, it caused me to think about him and the past. But, it’s no longer my present.

Just sharing…hope you’re all doing well.

Aug 4 - 9AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Hi D, I agree with Goldie! I

Hi D, I agree with Goldie! I will say I think he's more upset by the fact that you beat him! He needs to hold his fake self up infront of mutual friends! In order to do that he accomplishes two things, a mini Hoover attempt and gaining trust and supply from you GF! Hey ,call me if you around this weekend! I'll be in your neighborhood ! Hunter
Aug 4 - 4PM (Reply to #7)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Hunter

Hey Hunter...send me your number again. I deleted everything in one foul swoop one day like a dummy and have to readd everyone. Sorry ...I will call you. Regarding hoovering...how so? Just curious as to your take. It was odd hearing from the 'mutual' friend of ours his take...that he thought it was 'overkill' how much he talks about the new gf...like others and he think that it seems forced...not natural. Plus ...they think it's very odd that he claims he has a gf...and his fb status remained the same, but with me...he changed it to 'in a relationshp' pretty soon after we agreed to be exclusive. All this talk about the man makes me realize why I deleted a lot of those friends to begin with...I don't honestly care about any of it anymore. When he was telling me, it felt like he was telling me about the mailman...or a complete stranger. Like...omg...I did date that jerk. lol I almost forgot. Almost. ;) Hope you and yours are doing well, girl. :)
Aug 4 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Hoove? he got to you thru a

Hoove? he got to you thru a friend! Hunter
Aug 4 - 7PM (Reply to #9)
Deidre40
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But the friend didn't tell me

But the friend didn't tell me right away...like I reached out and was asking the friend about his family, (not the narc's the friend's family) and so on...just idle chit chat...and lo and behold...he weaved in the crap about the narc. haha You're right, by golly! I hadn't even thought of it. You are a blessing, Hunter...truly. I love how you always cut through it all. Talk with you soon, girl.
Aug 4 - 8AM
Deidre40
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Layla—it does feel good to be

Layla—it does feel good to be here. FINALLY! I haven’t sobbed in a while. Gosh, I thought the tears would never end. And the tears were not all about him and our ‘failed’ relationship. It was more about my regrets. His baiting me on a website we once belonged to together. I actually deactivated my membership there, finally. And I realized something. When we get to this place…we have to get here for ourselves. Not because or in spite of them. If that makes sense. I kept thinking NC was about him. No, it’s about healing and acceptance of self. And finding peace with self and life. When we view it like that—when we do the work on ourselves as to why we tolerated abuse to begin with, then and only then, will we heal. It’s not about them, really, at all. Thanks for your kind words today!! Better than ever—lol You know, I didn’t feel ouch at all when he told me this yesterday. Except FOR the new person. To be dating someone who is bold faced lying to you. To be dating/sleeping with someone who is still cruising a dating website…VERY actively, I’m told…I feel for her, immensely. To be dating/sleeping with someone and he/she doesn’t change their FB status to reflect that you are no longer single…(they have been seeing each other for a few months supposedly) has to make a person wonder. So the ouch goes to her. She is with a narcissist. And my heart hurts for her. The fact that the mutual friend told me he is still hurting over me (he thinks)…is also odd. But, have to be careful with mutual ‘friends.’ They sometimes like to stir trouble…and drama. I keep them all at arm’s length, and some I’ve cut out of my life completely since the break up. I don’t miss all those head games…and wondering why he said/did/didn’t do this or that. They don’t change. But, we do…we become wiser for having had the awful experience. Thanks for your thoughts here today!
Aug 4 - 8AM
Goldie
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Nice to hear from you

I was just thinking about this the other day. My growth in recovery. How I used to cry or get so angry over the Narc stuff and now for the most part the emotional part is gone. We all want to know if they feel, hurt, love. I get asked this question more than any other question. I suppose noone wants to feel as though they gave their soul to the devil or their soul to someone who was using them for supply and never cared. The notion that it was all a game and pretend is more than most rational feeling people can take in the beginning. The beginning of recovery is filled with these questions and even as time goes by and we are completely educated on these disorders; there still remains from time to time those occasion lingering thoughts. Did he feel anything? Did he care at all? The way my Narc described it was that he loved me, wanted to spend his life with me and never leave me. But.....he had some kind of a chemical imbalance since he was a child where even though he had the thoughts and the notion of all of that he was incapable of showing it in ways that others do. That he is damaged goods and cannot show or emotionally tell what the appropriate responses and demonstrations would be in a loving relationship, so basically the other person would have to just know this, accept this, and go with it because that is who and what he is. I said to him: OMG you just perfectly described a narc and he said yes, I guess that is what it is. I don't doubt that they KNOW they are different and that things do not work out the same for them as they do for other people, but they have no way of fixing this and what they give to us is the best they have to give. The only way they can function is to pretend that they feel so that we won't leave them and when we find out the truth they freak out and abuse us because they get so angry because they don't have any way to change the way they are and they sincerely don't relate to what we are complaining about because they don't feel it, they just think it and get angry and afraid of being alone, so they will do or say anything to keep us on the hook to avoid the void of having no supply. I believe it is more the void which disturbs them than the feelings of love, loyalty, and committment. They don't have that because it is all about them and we represent supply. So from all of this and looking at all the other narcs, it looks to me like they have the notion of pain, love, and emotions; they just don't FEEL them like we do. So he may have the notion of pain over you and missing you, he just lacks the feeling of it. Sounds like a horrible way to live to me and at this point, I mostly feel pity for them and I have a strong sense of wanting to protect myself and others from the damage of them. Sounds like you have made major progress here and it must feel great to run across the receipt and not have a strong reaction. It took me well over a year to finally get that they don't feel and it is no reflection on who I am and honestly, I think they love us the best they can which of course is not enough. Thanks for sharing this, it give us all hope for feeling better the longer we heal and recover from these PD's. God bless, Goldie
Aug 4 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
Deidre40
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goldie

goldie, thanks for your reply. I read it this morning, but was at work...and didn't have a chance to really digest it. You make a lot of sense, as always. What a ride this has been. I thought today, I'm grateful for the lesson learned. I needed to stop living my life looking for validation from men...now, I seek my validation in God. It's sometimes a struggle. We are all human, and have mini set backs. But, leaving that website behind...and ditching some of the ''friends,'' has made it a bit easier to move forward. Much easier, i should say. To anyone who is yearning for healing...until you really detach from ALL THINGS THAT ARE REMOTELY OR INDIRECTLY LINKED TO THE NARC, YOU PROBABLY ARE IMPEDING YOUR HEALING PROCESS. I didn't realize this at first. I thought, I could keep those 'friends,' I can stay on that site, and just ignore him. But, over time...it only weighed me down. The site, I left...not so much for him, honestly. But, more that I truly don't want any addictions of any kind in my life, and the internet (FB, message boards, etc) can be very enticing and addicting, when you're seeking validation. I don't want validation to come from any place other than within me, and God. So, leaving that site just sort of happened, as I started healing. It didn't ''fit'' with the new me. Largely, because that site is riddled with narcissists. Seriously. It's scary when you understand this disorder...how many people mirror it. I think we all have an ego for sure...but, these people...they feed off each other's misery, drama, gossip about each other...bleck. Throw my ex into the mix, and it is a debbie downer. lol I hope you're doing well miss goldie. You're such an asset to this site, thanks for taking the time to talk in this thread today. :=)
Aug 4 - 8AM
Better than ever
Better than ever's picture

I read your post and thought

I read your post and thought ouch, I don't know how I would handle knowing there is a new GF.....but then I remember, SHE is going thorugh the push and pull, degradation and pain I went through.....the confusion was driving me mad.....then I realize that's not MY problem anymore.....
Aug 4 - 7AM
Layla
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Love this!

This is great! That feeling of indifference.........I never realized how calm and peaceful that emotion is! Haha! I found it very theraputic to go through things and just throwing them away....all the cards he had given me on various occasions over the years, I felt no sentimental feelings for.....tossed them with the trash.....not even feeling "empty", just, "indifferent", as if I was tossing out used coffee filters......... So glad to see another survivor moving on and healing...this is really awesome................