found this instant message log between me and the N when he cheated..

I knew I kept this for a reason. So telling. Its honestly so disappointing to me that I called him on all his shit so well right there, and somehow let him drag me back into his hell for another 2 years.

To make a long story short - he cheated on me with a woman he met at work, promptly D&D'd me when I found out. He slept with her, the called me as if I was his best buddy to inform me how crazy she was, how she had boxes full of baby clothes (she was 20, with no kids), how he wasnt gonna sleep with her again, etc. For two weeks he went between this sort of nonsense, going on about how I was the only one who understood him, and flipping back to telling me how it was all my fault he cheated because I didn't pay enough attention to him (i was working a full time job and finishing my senior year of school so we could move in together - i spent every free moment with him.), and sordid, ridiculous tales of the supposed porn star-like sex they had. Peppered with blaming me for his inability to reach orgasm during sex with her.

I was so far gone at this point, when he decided he was sick of her, -i- spoke to the other woman to tell her it was over for him, because he was too chickenshit to do it. My self esteem was so destroyed and I was so deluded at this point, i was just overjoyed to have him back.

Looking back, I should have run when I had the chance. It is sickening to me to think that he had me so brainwashed that I thought this kind of person was worth fighting for.

n (4:44:13 PM): K you've gone too far you fucking freak you might as well call my aunt and my mom and sister and grandma to notify them of your insanity
me (4:44:23 PM): ?
me (4:45:24 PM): who the fuck did i call?
me (4:46:27 PM): i didnt fucking call anyone n
me (4:46:40 PM): i dont even know their fucking numbers
me (4:46:52 PM): STOP FUCKING ASSUMING I EXIST TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE
me (4:47:55 PM): stop calling me a fucking freak you fucking miserable self loathing asshole
me (4:48:01 PM): YOU make yourself miserable
me (4:48:05 PM): YOU bottle everything up
me (4:48:18 PM): YOU hate yourself despite how much EVERYONE around you tries to love you
me (4:48:23 PM): NOBODY wants to fucking hurt you
me (4:49:01 PM): they never fucking did
me (4:49:09 PM): if only you'd just fucking learn how to let someone love you
me (4:49:19 PM): and stop assuming everyone does everything to hurt you
me (4:49:37 PM): yea N, im not fucking perfect
me (4:49:44 PM): at least i know how to feel.
me (4:50:07 PM): so keep trying to fuck your way to feeling something
me (4:50:18 PM): picking up the first girl who throws herself at you
me (4:50:47 PM): fucking her even though you hardly even like her company and think shes "insane" in the first 24 hours, then claiming you dont want to be
me (4:50:57 PM): an "asshole", so you'll just let it linger and let her wonder
me (4:51:17 PM): get fucking real
me (4:51:23 PM): i am not the source of all your problems
me (4:51:29 PM): and you'll never be happy until you figure them out
me (4:51:34 PM): i fucking tried
me (4:51:41 PM): and i still love you, you fucking impossible dickhead
me (4:51:42 PM): fuck
N (4:53:20 PM): I am happy with her we went to the olive garden and angelika theatre and then we went back to her place and she fucked me because she can
me (4:53:32 PM): whatever N
me (4:53:40 PM): you say shit just because you want it to hurt
me (4:53:51 PM): you dont even know what you feel
me (4:53:55 PM): you dont know what feelings arwe
me (4:54:03 PM): you think you can create them if you try hard enough
me (4:54:47 PM): you say one thing when you think its right to say
me (4:54:50 PM): then you say another
me (4:54:55 PM): you dont even know what feelings fucking are
me (4:55:03 PM): and i suggest you stay the fuck away from anyones heart until you learn
me (4:55:30 PM): if everything you say is so real, repeat to her everything you said to me about her
me (4:55:56 PM): tell her how you dont want to be an asshole so you "dont know" if you'll fuck her, and you'll just let it wait around and make up some
me (4:56:03 PM): excuse for your emotional frigidness
N (4:56:36 PM): As long as I'm not with you its fine and aleast she can fuck me with me having to grit my teeth since she weighs less than me. In fact I can lift her with 1arm
me (4:56:44 PM): hey cool N
me (4:57:10 PM): at least she cant make you cum and is going to get herself knocked up because she thinks bringing another human into this world is going
me (4:57:18 PM): to fill her neediness
me (4:57:23 PM): you are fucking ridiculous N
me (4:58:15 PM): nobody is going to fill that void for you
me (4:58:25 PM): but keep chewing us up and spitting us out and saying it was all our fault when you're done
me (4:58:39 PM): keep spouting a bunch of fucking bullshit about feelings when you dont even know what feelings are
me (4:59:26 PM): but hey, as long as she looks good on your arm right?
me (4:59:41 PM): a lifetime of pretending to be a person you arent and being happy because people tell you that you should be
N (5:00:00 PM): Go eat some cake and snatch another internet boy toy or just fuck your dildo
me (5:00:08 PM): i dont eat fucking cake
me (5:00:14 PM): i dont want another "internet boy toy"
me (5:00:25 PM): i dont want fucking meaningless, purposeless relationships
me (5:00:59 PM): and yea, maybe i will go fuck my vibrator, the one you fucking came twice watching me use and you fucking begged me endlessly to show you
me (5:01:09 PM): but im fat and disgusting, right? but so sexy i make you cum twice?
me (5:01:13 PM): you dont know what you feel
me (5:02:01 PM): i fucking got that for you
me (5:02:21 PM): i wanted to be fucking sexy for you and feel like you were here because i fucking missed you and i missed when we made love to each other
N (5:02:38 PM): Lawls you act like I wasn't just recording it with camtasia and faking it
me (5:02:45 PM): you werent
me (5:02:54 PM): and i know you werent.
me (5:03:04 PM): so try to say all the fucking hurtful shit your heart desires N
me (5:03:09 PM): and the sickest shit is
me (5:03:34 PM): i still fucking love you, you fucking asshole, because i know there is good in everyone and you are a fucking amazing person when you
me (5:03:46 PM): fucking stop trying to be everything but yourself and impress everyone but yourself
N (5:06:00 PM): You're rambling because you're jealous I like that she's responsible and has a job and its cute that she wanted a baby when she was married. However we are not
me (5:06:13 PM): no N, im really not jealous at this point
me (5:06:24 PM): because shes just another girl you're going to break and use to try to fix yourself
me (5:06:29 PM): been there
me (5:06:31 PM): done that
me (5:06:43 PM): you will woo her in with your sweet side
me (5:06:52 PM): then everything bad in your life will be her fault
me (5:07:01 PM): you need a scapegoat to blame for everything terrible in your life
me (5:07:07 PM): nothing is ever your fault, god fucking forbid
me (5:07:18 PM): you cant STAND being wrong
me (5:07:44 PM): shes just another fucking pawn for you to use and throw away
N (5:08:25 PM): So we are not gonna have unprotected sex and she fucking cums like a fountain its amazing
me (5:08:41 PM): but hey at least you dont
me (5:08:47 PM): oh but you were lying about that right
me (5:09:09 PM): give me a fucking break N
me (5:09:15 PM): you know what im saying is fucking true and you HATE IT
me (5:09:23 PM): you would fucking say anything just to try to rip me apart
me (5:09:29 PM): fuck you, i am not a fucking bad person
me (5:09:36 PM): i am a person with flaws just like any other person, even you
me (5:10:17 PM): when she pokes a hole in the condom or flips the fuck out, or tells you rightfully to go fuck yourself and calls you out like the user,
me (5:10:23 PM): liar, and selfish asshole you are
me (5:10:28 PM): ill hate to fucking say i told you so.
me (5:11:21 PM): if you mean everything you say, then tell her what you told me about her
me (5:11:39 PM): how shes insane, how you're just gonna let it go, how you just shoulda stayed home and played aoc
me (5:11:45 PM): how you only attract "insane" girls
me (5:11:49 PM): i fucking dare you
me (5:11:56 PM): say what you fucking mean and mean what you fucking say
me (5:12:12 PM): i may be alot of things, but i always fucking mean what i say in my heart
me (5:12:34 PM): so go ahead and have your revenge fuck me(5:12:52 PM): it will go miles to healing your fucking problems, another healthy behavior from you
me (5:13:34 PM): just make sure you let her know shes just the rebound and something you're using to get what you want
me (5:13:38 PM): what you cant feel.
me (5:13:46 PM): you fucking dickhead, this isnt you
me (5:14:06 PM): you are a fucking better person than this
N (5:14:32 PM): I'm glad I spent the weekend at her apartment so I wouldn't have to be around you or Paul or any other dumb worthless nigger (paul was his best friend, who no longer speaks to him. wonder why?)
me (5:14:55 PM): you run away from anything that requires you to look in at yourself N
me (5:15:02 PM): keep running
me (5:15:23 PM): thats all you do
me (5:15:25 PM): you just run
me (5:15:32 PM): when times get hard
me (5:15:34 PM): you fucking run
me (5:16:56 PM): you cant fucking handle emotions, you think anyone who dares to suggest they are hurt by anything involving you or around you is trying
me (5:16:59 PM): to fuckign hurt you
me (5:17:06 PM): you think the world fucking revolves around you.
me (5:17:13 PM): keep running.
me (5:43:39 PM): dont forget to tell her what you said!
N (5:45:24 PM): /yawn
me (5:46:44 PM): one day i hope you learn what it means to be truly happy and understand i only ever wanted you to see how wonderful you were
me (5:46:50 PM): but you chose this side
me (5:46:58 PM): and i cant make you see
me (5:47:02 PM): so whatever
me (5:47:18 PM): you still have a piece of my heart
me (5:47:24 PM): i dont have hate in my heart for you
me (5:47:33 PM): and i dont think im better than you for any of this
me (5:47:54 PM): i wish i was a big enough bitch that i couldnt hurt.
m (5:48:07 PM): maybe if i was half the bitch you make me out to be, this would be easier.
N (5:56:48 PM): What is this I just got out of the shower don't you live in -edited-? Get some guy from around there if you can rather than suprise an internet boy with fat
me (5:57:47 PM): i dont just turn off my feelings N
me (5:57:49 PM): they're real
N (5:58:09 PM): You're lucky I'm so nice. I'm sure I should have left the airport the moment I found you
me (5:58:13 PM): and despite how hateful you are being, i still know what i felt for you and i still know how we felt for each other at one point
me (5:58:25 PM): and all the angry things we said to each other dont make those dissapear
me (5:58:51 PM): yea, thats why you kissed me like you never wanted to stop n
me (5:58:57 PM): because all i am is fat
me (5:59:04 PM): if thats all you can see in a person, i am very sorry
n (6:01:02 PM): I'm sure thatll get you over new years. How I talked to that red head all night rather than you. But unfortunately I did have to courtesy kiss you when the ball
me (6:01:40 PM): haha as you sat there drunk as fuck slurring your words when i got mad at you begging me not to be mad at you?
me (6:01:48 PM): and i made you go home and you begged me to fuck you?
me (6:01:50 PM): yeeea
n (6:02:08 PM): Dropped or whatever
me (6:02:10 PM): or when i cleaned up your fucking vomit and made sure you didnt sit and drown in your own pathetic pile of puke?
me (6:02:31 PM): there wasnt even a redhead there, lol!
me (6:03:05 PM): but whatever n
me (6:03:09 PM): i understand what is going on
me (6:03:14 PM): and i do not hate you for it
me (6:03:40 PM): i am just sad that you feel this way, or feel that you need to act this way.
me (6:04:11 PM): i am sad that it seems that there is nothing anyone in your life can do to you to make you happy, and that you just are going to have to
me (6:04:32 PM): run through everyone like a tornado of emotions and insecurities and hate to find what everyone has been trying to show you all along.
n (6:04:58 PM): Its that girl with a big forehead I was doing shots with. And yeah its all the same in the dark. You wouldn't believe how many times I wish you we're jen
me (6:05:16 PM): i am sad that you do not understand that some people genuinely want to see you love yourself and know what it means to feel, and think
me (6:05:29 PM): everyone who tells you the things that hurt but that you need to hear most are doing so for themselves.
me (6:05:31 PM): they arent.
me (6:05:46 PM): they know how you're going to react, and its with hatred and vitriol towards the person who dared to say it.
me (6:05:51 PM): they're doing it because they care about you.
me (6:06:50 PM): and say what you want about me/to me - it doesnt change the things i know were real and true and it doesnt change the side of you that i
me (6:06:53 PM): saw.
n (6:07:12 PM): I believe you didn't make me cum that night either
me (6:07:20 PM): yea, its called whiskey dick
me (6:07:23 PM): it happens
me (6:07:57 PM): anyways, as i was saying
me (6:08:12 PM): i will always care about you regardless.
me (6:08:57 PM): that is a constant, and no amount of hurtful words and hate and lies and anger can ever change.
n (6:09:34 PM): Your pussy is looser than jens how does that happen? Is whiskey involved in that too
me (6:09:50 PM): dunno, some girls are just born that way
me (6:10:50 PM): you wouldnt know what jens pussy was like if i recall from what paul and rory have said, you two never dated
me (6:11:17 PM): and you were also a virgin when you met me, for whatever unknown reason you felt like you had to lie to me about that
me (6:11:57 PM): like i said
me (6:12:04 PM): its just sad to me
me (6:12:10 PM): that you feel like you have to put up a front
n (6:12:42 PM): Doesn't mean I can't put my hands in her pussy wtf lawls? I measur with fingers not dicks since I only have one
me(6:12:56 PM): i dunno n
me (6:13:43 PM): but please feel free to continue to act like you felt nothing for me ever and im just some obese boring whore who you hated having sex
me (6:13:44 PM): with
me (6:14:04 PM): we both know its not the truth
n (6:15:14 PM): Yeah love is blind and I made a bad decision
n (6:16:58 PM): You act like no ones fucked a fat girl. Wes fucked you and he can bang tons of girls
me (6:18:14 PM): oh shit man, i didnt realize my name ceased to be Niki and i am now "that fat girl"
me (6:18:32 PM): i didnt realize that a guys self worth in life is based upon how skinny his girlfriend is!
n (6:21:48 PM): Ok stop the inspirational ugly girl speech I wanna tell you congratulations on blowing chance number 5 phrynia (phrynia was the name he used for what he claimed was my 'worthless bitchy alter ego'... wierd as fuck.)
me (6:22:00 PM): im niki
me (6:22:06 PM): and you never wanted to give me a chance
me (6:22:13 PM): you were too embarassed and afraid
me (6:23:15 PM): tell yourself whatever you want so you dont have to be ashamed of having feelings for the apparent worst thing in the world, a fat girl
me (6:23:18 PM): omg!
me (6:23:46 PM): but coming from someone who was brought up to throw around the word "nigger" like its nothing, i cant really say im surprised
me (6:25:21 PM): the pitiful thing here is
me (6:25:51 PM): i can lose weight, whereas i dont know what on earth is going to fix all the embarassment, hate, and self loathing you seem to feel for
me (6:25:56 PM): absolutely no apparent reason
n (6:26:19 PM): Lawls get over yourself. You're nothing special girls wit self esteem issues are a dime a dozen
me (6:26:55 PM): n, not feeling like i am a fucking worthless human being because im not skinny doesnt mean i need to 'get over myself'
me (6:27:10 PM): it means i might actually recognize that there is good and worth in me
me (6:27:33 PM): whereas you just sit and project your self esteem problems onto everyone around you
me (6:27:47 PM): everyone isnt your fucking dad n
me (6:28:05 PM): they arent all looking to hurt you and abandon you
me (6:29:12 PM): maybe one day you can come to that conclusion and learn to start feeling
me (6:29:17 PM): i genuinely hope you do