Food for thought

A few more things have struck me about my past two Christmases, and since I`ve been asked to share my insights, that`s what I`m doing.

One of the things that traumatized me worst my last- Christmas-but-one was the guilt at not being able to be what my family needed me to be. It wasn`t that I collapsed in self-pity, or took the easy way out, or just gave up - the pain Wottaprick caused me was so deep that I just couldn`t go on. And at the time I felt terribly guilty that my two youngest boys were not only witnessing my pain, they also got to see how everything falls apart when Mother suffers.

It`s only now that I realize that this was a critical lesson to them right at the beginning of puberty, one that they really needed to have. They needed to experience at first hand how callousness and selfishness on the part of a man destroy, not only the woman who loves him, but the entire family structure.

My girls (adoptive daughter, now 26,) and adopted daughter-in-law (mother of son`s illegitimate child at 15) didn`t need this lesson because they basically knew it already. Each had already experienced the pain of separating from a man they still loved because he wasn`t good for them, so they didn`t need to witness mine. The message I gave them was was a different one. The message I gave them was, no matter how much you love someone, no matter how much you`ve given up to be with him, no matter how long you`ve lived in his house and how dependent you`ve become, no matter how old you are - if a man is bad for you then you get up and leave. And I reinforced this message by sleeping on various different sofas for the next five weeks and keeping us over water financially by playing my violin on the street.

What I basically showed them was that self respect is more important than love and certainly more important than survival. I hope I showed them also that survival is not really at issue - evolution is. If I didn`t teach them that, at least I learned it myself. Survival is just something you handle so that evolution is ensured.

I sincerely hope we have all learned our lessons first time off this time, because there is no way on earth I`m prepared to go through THAT again. Not for anyone! Not even for me!
Lotsa love
Tigerlily

under his thumb's picture

thank you for posting this! the only reason i allowed myself to deal with all the things i did for so long was for my children, not realizing that it was not teaching them the proper lessons. i look forward to the day i can explain to them that I was more important, my happiness matters just as much as anyone else's does. right now they are too young to really understand it all. all they see is that fake smile i smiled for all those years and missed the emotional numbness i carried around for so long. i think as each day passes they are able to see the new true, happy me! i feel it...i know the day will come that i will be able to show them self-love and a genuine respect for other people and their feelings!
Tigerlily's picture

I think it`s in the nature for things to get better rather than worse (in the sense of what I mean by evolution) as long as we don`t mess with them. It would make sense. Thanks for your comment. Tigerlily
janemarie's picture

This is an amazing post and I think you're an amazing woman!!! Very inspiring!
Tigerlily's picture

NC, learning and staying close to this forum did the trick for me. God bless. Tiger
spinning's picture

...this is so awesome. When we start to respect ourselves enough to say NO MORE, NO WAY, NEVER AGAIN and reject all chaos and confusion, empowered living and all the gifts it brings begins! Love it, Tiger! Most sincerely, (not) spinning. AND IT FEELS GREAT

spinning

Tigerlily's picture

I`ve always loved your posts, particularly the more recent big ones, so I`m really happy you like mine too! Hugs Tigerlily
victimnomore's picture

I love this post. I have been there and I will never go there again. Here's to recovery and never looking back! Peace!

victimnomore

Hunter's picture

Tiger lily I'm glad you're back. Hunter
Tigerlily's picture

But you don`t have much to share when you`re struggling for survival. And sometimes you just need time out to digest your input. So I took care of survival while digesting my input, and now I`m back! Love Tigerlily