Five months on and still feel sad

After 10 years with my narc I broke it off on Dec 11 2012. He had no emotion and told me it was me who started all the fights and that all women were high maintenance emotionally and never liked to be happy. He killed my spirit, my self esteem and I hate him for what he has done. I have had no contact with him for three weeks but I still cry nearly every day even though I hate myself for it. I am at a health retreat to try and help me find myself now but still feel like a lost sheep. I could not believe how he changed once we bought a house together. He always told me I did not do things right, caused all the fights, told me I was menopausal and stop being a bitch. I asked him why he did not leave. He said because he was happy and for me to stop fighting with him. He made me feel it was all my fault. It was our annnivery for 10 years on 1 september 2011. He gave me the most beautiful card telling me how the last 10 years were great and he wanted 10 more. A week later, he told me I was a bitch etc. I showed him the card he gave me and he said "what do you want me to say - the truth - that the last 10 years were hell. I could not believe it. He then gave me a knife for protection for xmas and on the card it said I love you. I know I am getting stronger but unless you have been through this, no-one really understands. I joined the forum because I could see the great support that is provided to all. Keep up the good work. Can anyone give me some advice to keep strong and not waste my thoughts I a person who does not give a dam! Very sad.