Finally sick of the narcissist and everything about him

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#1 Sep 2 - 10AM
kollontai77
kollontai77's picture

Finally sick of the narcissist and everything about him

It's been a long time coming. The final D&D was just over 3 years ago.
Since then it's been a world of pain, researching about narcissism, psychopathy, sociopathy. Finding out that many of my friends were pathologically selfish and distancing myself from their shenanigans. Trying to stop spying on his Facebook page, and failing - something was drawing me back.

I'm finally sick of the whole thing, sick of him entirely.
He once again, seduced one of his friends via facebook, even though he wasn't attracted to her. Then after the deed, put up a semi-pornographic photo of a young 20 year old model on his Facebook page, for no apparent reason. Perhaps to try to make her feel bad about herself in comparison? A sick form of triangulation which he did to me too? He is literally a machine designed to pump and dump, but not before screwing with women's minds and self-esteem. The mind fuckery is the most damaging thing about it.

Now I feel kind of empty, like a listless void.
Hating/obsessing/ researching the narcissist took a lot of my time and energy. Podcasts, radio shows, youtube videos, and books, not just about narcissism, but Buddhism, and thinking about forgiveness/ the correct way to feel and behave after an event like this. What it all means.

It means precisely nothing. It's not karma, our punishment for being cruel to them in a previous life. We haven't "attracted" them to us through our bad vibrations. They just exist, like a force of nature to be dodged. Forgiveness shouldn't be forced or thought too much about. The hatred and incredulity eventually drops away, leaving just a blank emptiness.

I've lost so much time being obsessed with self help and alternative religion, politics and spirituality. Others have read heaps of books, kept up with music and movies, are well on their way to developing their creativity and craft. Met boyfriends, had children, made new friends, and travelled in all this time.

Meanwhile I've been phoning it in, most of my mental energy going on processing all this stuff. I'm in a much stronger place for having done so, and I hope it protects me from being exploited again. But there's a void to be filled in, a whole person to be discovered and created. It's a bit daunting as I'm nearly 40 with not much to show for all of this research and navel gazing.