This feels like a dangerous time in my recovery . . .
This feels like a dangerous time in my recovery . . .
Hello All,
I have made a tremendous amount of headway since first finding this site. But, ironically, I am now at a point in my recovery that feels dangerous, for want of a better word.
It's hard to explain, but I will try. (And yes, I do like numbered lists!)
1) I am feeling a lot better within myself. I still think about XN a lot, and I still have REALLY bad days. But overall, I am not gripped by that crushing misery, fear and helplessness that we all felt initially. I am functioning.
2) At the same time, I am starting to recognise the role I played in my relationship with XN. He acted like a shit, no doubt. But I contributed to the situation too. It takes two to tango, and I WANTED to dance, and then became addicted to the dance. He was a player in MY drama just as much as I was in his.
3) Meanwhile, I am learning a lot about narcissism. Again, XN behaved poorly - but there is a REASON he is a narc. As my fear of him diminishes, my empathy feels like it is coming back into play. Maybe he also had a rough childhood? Perhaps he wasn't as purposeful as I thought in hurting me? He's not 'evil'; just disordered.
4) On top of all that, XN is a colleague with a mask that is funny, kind and charming. I hear him interacting with other colleagues. They laugh and have a great time. I miss that, yet must stay away from it.
This all feels like very shaky territory to me. I can sense myself softening; feeling sorry for him and wanting to interact with him; really missing our pre-affair relationship.
Has anyone else experienced this when they started to feel better? If yes, how did you move past it? What did you tell yourself?
Or is this in fact a sign that I am NOT as far along the road to recovery as I thought?
Thanks in advance for your input.
I absolutely agree that there
Re: #3
SECM
SECM
Thanks NM63
Compassion