Day 4 and feelings creeping back in....starting to forget all the bad. Luckily, busy today with a big Earth Day celebration. Gotta' stay strong & read my list over and over.
The urge to text him last night was so strong....just one quick text to say hello, thinking about you, etc. Although I was busy yesterday, my thoughts returned to him and by the evening, I was only thinking good thoughts. After a few glasses of wine, I almost did it.
BUT.....I didn't. I fought the urge and made it through. Thanks to the board and supportive friends, I made it through. Today is Day 5 of total & complete NC! I feel like I'm slowly coming out of the fog, literally. I'm a better mom, a better friend, the sun seems a little brighter. Weekends are definitely the hardest, but I'm determined to keep busy and make it through.
FFI....I'm SO proud of you!!!
You're doing great! Please come to the board and share when you are feeling weak. When you want to send that text....send it here. Share stories....we're all here for you.
I am glad you are feeling the benefits of being NC. I agree I became better for everyone else around me....and better for myself. I feel healthier, make better choices, and most importantly can see exactly how destructive that relationship was for me.
Sending you more strength and a big hug!
~KG
It's early days yet....
Have patience with yourself. You have the strentgh to overcome this , you just need to give it time. Time and NC....
The only thing that did it for me is that I have been nearly "stalinian" in my resolve to delete him from my existence....
I have nothing left of him. No photos, no clothes from the time together, no gifts or mementos, no emails, no sms, nothing....
Sometimes it's like he never existed..... which suits me fine....
Lots of love to you x
{{{hugs}}}
Yes...stay strong.
Yanno, when I was dating him, I would look back to the times we spent together, with fond memory. But, this past week in particular, since being NC and away from him...since we broke up...I look at those ''good times'' with disdain. For in those ''good times'' was just all part of his agenda. He has been married four times. And God only knows how many gf's he's had. I was not special whatsoever. I was just another ''chick'' that he was going to control, and have sex with...he didn't want a mutual exchange, he wanted control. And the more I gave in, the more control he thought he could get.
So, I honestly look back at even the 'good' times as a calm before the storm, rather than good times. They pretend to be something they are not in the beginning, so that later, when they hit us over the head with who they truly are....we don't run away, quickly.
I do think my ex cared for me...on his own level. I do believe he might have even felt love. BUT. His need for control superceded his desire for a mutual healthy relationship. Their desire for control, is what takes over the relationship. When they feel they are drawing close and getting intimate, it scares them...so they have to regain control.
Deidre....that's exactly it....the calm before the STORM! All those good times I also don't think of so fondly of anymore either....it was luring me in for the kill!
~KG
Yes...I agree KG.
I look back...and before we had our week long getaway together...he said on the phone...''Dee, you're gonna fall so hard. You'll see.''
I said...''maybe you will.''
And he replied...''I already am.''
All charm to get us to let our guard down. Meanwhile, we knew each other for a while before ...but we were only dating dating for 3 weeks, when he told me he was falling in love. I didn't say the words, til we had our week long trip. And he wanted me to say it first. He said...''I know you're old fashioned Dee...so guess you're hoping I say it first?''
I said nothing I just smiled, I remember that.
Then, one night...after dinner. He told me before we got into the car to leave. ''Dee, I just want you to know...I love you.'' And it seemed sincere looking back. But, also like he wanted to hear it back. He wanted me to love him. So, he had to do what he had to do, to achieve that result.
Not saying he didn't feel any love. But, I remember what led up to him saying it...and it just seemed contrived. I mean...when men have said I love you to me, say back in college...or my kids' dad, when he said it...there wasn't this lead up to it. You spent quality time together...the relationship unfolded. You don't need to say...You're gonna fall in love with me, you'll see...over and over before the person actually says it. lol He used to say this about sex too, before we were intimate. ''Dee, you just wait. I have skills...you'll see. You're not gonna ever wanna let me go.''
He didn't have skills. Just sayin. He was ok. I will say it felt special. He enjoyed having sex with me, even though compared to what he's had, I seemed boring. But, he said...''that was making love, Dee...not fucking.''
Aw...doesn't that make you feel so warm inside? lol
These types want to speed the process along. They want to ensnare you, so you are locked in...and then finally they can let their guard down and turn on who they really are.
On some level, it's methodical. I don't like thinking like this, however...because it hurts to know I fell in love, and maybe he didn't really love me like he said? I dunno. I can't wait til I don't care anymore...one way or the other.
I'm so proud of you for coming here when you know you are feeling weak. Love yourself enough to protect yourself from more hurt and abuse. Keep sharing...write that list!
A big hug for you FFI!
~KG
for going through it. Four days is early, early, early and it's tough, tough, tough. But how smart and proactive of you to post here and to already know you will be busy with Earth Day.
In the early days when the CD was strong, I made lists and lists. A list of the good the disordered one brought to me and a list of the bad. The bad list was four times as long as the good was. Once I started writing, it all just flowed out. I still have that list, though I no longer need to look at it. Now that I'm free of the fog and the CD, I know it was all bad, bad, bad. I know just scratch my head and wonder why I put up with it for so long...It confirms the level of brainwashing that happens in these disordered relationships.
FFI, hang in there. I'm at almost six months NC and I'm here to tell you it gets so much better, you'll be so glad you freed yourself from more heartache, chaos, destruction and grief. Believe it! You will prevail and be relieved!!!
Hang in there, FFI. Have a blessed Earth Day and weekend.
sincerely (believe I've again stopped) spinning
wanted to text him last night.
FFI....I'm SO proud of
FFI
{{{hugs}}} Yes...stay
Deidre....that's exactly
KG
I'm so proud of you for
FFI, big hugs to you
spinning