Feeling low - Steps 4-6 seem impossible

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#1 Jul 1 - 10AM
kizzy72
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Feeling low - Steps 4-6 seem impossible

I haven't contacted him anymore, so that's not the problem. The problem is, I have some sort of paranoia now in having anyone in my life because I don't trust anyone, and I've been feeling really depressed lately.

The moment I see any signs or threats of rejection from anyone, I cut them off and hide myself from everyone because I can't take anymore abuse.

For instance, in dealing with "music business" folk. I have one person that I consider trustworthy to a certain degree that I talk to from time to time about "industry" stuff and he and I got on the topic about how harsh people are in the industry. He told me "never take your heart into the business, NEVER", and that's hard for me to do.

If your heart is in music and art, how are you not going to take your heart into it, when you have such a passion for it?

I mean I know what he means, but I'm just not a thick skin person, so lately when dealing with people in the industry, I can't take the cold shoulder shit that I get because I feel like everyone in the industry is a Narc, so I don't have any motivation or courage to even pursue my dreams.

Its like you can't be human in that industry and the only time people care about "real life" or any human experience is when you have a famous face.

I'm just having a hard time finding a place of peace right now because every where I go I feel like there's this Narc around the corner just waiting for my bleeding wound to come walking by.

Could this be PTSD?

Jul 1 - 9PM
Erali
Erali's picture

There is!

It takes time to shake off the paranoia, and anger, and get your head back, but it does come back to you! It's not logical at all to think that 100% of people are bad, and your emotions will catch up with your brain. You'll be fine!
Jul 1 - 9PM
kizzy72
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yes!

And that's what happened to me with this last guy! He called himself being a spiritual adviser because he could see I had gifts and was inspired, telling me not everyone would see my value right away like he did. He told me this because I told him about how I was getting the cold shoulder from everyone. Long story, but if you find my story of what i went through, that experience took the cake and I never met the guy so I can imagine what would had happened if I did. I was already low losing my father, but its like every since I had that experience with this guy, I'm just paranoid. Dude did a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on me, cursed at me, hung up on me for nothing and I still don't know to this day what I did. If I hadn't come on here I wouldn't even had known what "devalued and discarded meant". Ask Spinning, I was a wreck when I first came on here. I'm still one, just aware of it now LOL
Jul 1 - 8PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

could be ptsd

could be that now you can see clearly the superficality of your industry and now that you can see clearly, you want nothing to do with it...it's a trigger. Triggers go along with PTSD...but not necessarily a severe case... Give yourself time, and there are other ways to beat this...perhaps work on being an independent producer yourself then you don't have to kow tow but you can call your own shots. Hugs!
Jul 1 - 1PM
dudette
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Bloody musicians

F**king music industry... I have had to get rid of a great number of ex friends for I now see them for what they are.... All thanks to first hand Narc treatment.... No more..... Bass players are scum. pass it on.
Jul 2 - 1PM (Reply to #14)
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

Dudette this made me laugh. I

Dudette this made me laugh. I too have been going through that black book and cancelling most of the sucking leeches that fed on me for years. ( just one of the rivers of shit my narc made me swim through). others I've renegotiated, because of the boundaries I have now due to looking pure evil in the face. They say it takes one to know one... well thats why Narcs have to give other narcs a wide berth. then they zoom in on us nice people. FUCK THEM! That mask of theirs is never going back on, Ill rip off any mask I see.
Jul 1 - 12PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Being Narced does put you

Being Narced does put you more in tune with others! There is nothing wrong with keep tour guard up! I also think certain jobs attrack certain people! The entertainment industry my guess is a bit of Narcville! Stay focused, not everyone needs to be your friend! Hunter
Jul 1 - 11AM
girlsinger
girlsinger's picture

kizzy one last thought

Hi There Kizzy just had to come back and say: you know, there is only tough part, being on t this board it is that we cant see you! I can only pick up what I think your saying in your post so when you said you were speaking to your friend that was in the "biz" I sort of saw you out and about in public talking to your friend maybe you are home, truly not out and about if indeed you are having PTSD please do get seen I did have PTSD, and I did fight my way back... even after all this time I still go to accupuncture twice a week I get what they call "battlefield" accupuncture (lots of needles around the ear and down the inside of the lower leg) in a word..ASTOUNDING! I did try tradional therapy but all 3 of the therapists I went to wound up telling me thier stuff..(I'm in Los Angeles)LOL so for me, I needed some of actual ACTION that would help me to get moving again, interfere with my brain accupuncture really fit that bill Kizzy I tend to be tough on me because I know how easily I can fall, and have fallen Im a cream puff inside but Ive had to learn to protect that yet still function in the world life on life's terms so if you literally cannot get out of bed and you dont function please by all means..please see someone there is no shame in that only the path back to you. you are blessed K
Jul 1 - 12PM (Reply to #10)
kizzy72
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you're right

I'm NOT out and about. I've become completely isolated so much that I don't even attach my name to some of the work I've done; visual art work because I'm paranoid my name has been black balled and the thing is, I haven't done anything accept I suffer with depression, and I sincerely care about whoever I am helping or dealing with, but I don't like being disrespected, so I'm very vocal at times in telling these people (tactfully) about themselves because they are very nasty to people they think are "nobodies", and just voicing my concerns gets me this "attitude" and blocked from forums. Most of these people have never even met me, but after dealing with the Narc, (who's brother is famous and I did a website for), I feel like there's this little flag over my identity and he's the one who went mental on me, not the other way around. I don't call anyone, I don't deal with anyone. The last time I came out of my shell and tried, this "philly" radio personality, had me sign up for this thing call Grammy U, which is suppose to be a way for industry exects and artist alike to network. What she didn't tell me is they only accept reputable people. So here I was filling out this form, with my company information, name, personal info, paid $100, and they asked me "What is it you do in the industry" and I explained to them I was referred by so in so, and she told me this would be a good way for me to network in the industry since I have an artist development/ multimedia company. They replied, "oh I'm sorry we will refund your money because we only take serious minded and reputable applications". TOTALLY EMBARRASSED ME. This same "Philly radio" personality, is also suppose to be "close friends" to the artist I did the website for, yet I should have known something was up because she sent me a link to a website that has his music leaked from the album he's working on; what kind of "friend" would do something like that? Evil people
Jul 1 - 12PM (Reply to #11)
girlsinger
girlsinger's picture

kizzy you got

scammed Kizzy you dont EVER pay to do ART..EVER! well..now you learned now you know Kizzy, I really believe in mentors perhaps you could find someone that has risen to where you want to be and has shared values and ask if you could intern for them bring them coffee make copies...whatever it takes find your "Jerry Mcquire" meet folks in the flesh there is a balance between the computer and being around humanity you just got caught up we have all been there, I certianly have I would find a mentor If I were you dosent have to be fulltime, you could work something out something that works for you,..you can do this all the best to you be blessed k
Jul 1 - 11AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Kizzy, the ONLY person you

Kizzy, the ONLY person you need to trust is yourself. Once you trust yourself, you will be fine. Trust your instincts, trust your abilities, trust your heart. Like I always say, "I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it". Don't give that asshole the power.........the power to rob you of all the things you hold true to yourself. You are stronger now, and more importantly, you are AWARE. Just pay closer attention to your surroundings, the people in it, and know what is good and bad. Trust yourself, free yourself of the all he has done and be yourself. A stronger, smarter, better you! Let's look at this in a different perspective. Maybe we are the fortunate ones, seriously.....we have been given the knowledge, although painful, it's knowledge that we will now carry with us forever. Let's let it make us BETTER people not BITTER people! Be always true to yourself, you earned it and you deserve it!
Jul 1 - 12PM (Reply to #5)
kizzy72
kizzy72's picture

I agree sparrow

But my biggest issue with these people is, the tiniest thing they don't like and it could be something very trivial, they'll black ball you in a second. That's what I don't like.
Jul 1 - 12PM (Reply to #6)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

I know what you mean, the

I know what you mean, the nice thing now though is now you have the knowledge to deal with these people. What you have to do is "manage" them. Knowing what makes them tick, knowing what they will do next,how they will react or handle something, let's face it, they are pretty damn predictable..............it's a priceless tool that you can use to your advantage, almost like having a crystal ball. :)
Jul 1 - 12PM (Reply to #7)
kizzy72
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great advice!

That hit the nail on the head. They ARE VERY predictable and the thing I've learned is, the ones who have the least reputation, are the one's with the nastiest attitudes. They have nothing accept the ability to name drop, but they are on no level of A class executives. Half of these people are still trying to make it themselves. Mr. Jackson was more humble, kind, caring and if anyone had the right to be arrogant, it was him, but the way some of these exects act, you would think THEY themselves were mega stars. Its crazy
Jul 1 - 12PM (Reply to #8)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

I hear ya! So many people

I hear ya! So many people think the entertainment industry is glamorous. I am sure it isn't. A narc's playground as well.
Jul 1 - 11AM
jagged
jagged's picture

Kizzy

I Understand How you are feeling, It's pretty tough when you are not feeling 100% confident. I am a singer song writter too had my band, touring around, released my 1stCD but I was a mountain then.. 4 years ago At that very time N came and destroyed everything cause he wanted to be part he wanted what I had, and then not, and then yes, and then not and... he made me sack my musicians to give him place and my manager cause he could do it better etc etc etc. that man drained the self steem that took me 33 years to build out of my system. I can only say that In the state that I have been for the last year or so I haven't been able to deal with the Industry at all. Don't be to hard on your self. PSTD probably too much vulnerability not enough compassion out there. they don't care they move on. No empathy will be found there so don't expect it, you just share your heart with the audience when you sing the rest it's self protection act. well I am not in a very good position to give advise or support as the work of 8 years has been shattered by this unconcious man. felt out of grace But take care protect your self. and sing your heart out. Blesstest be Monte
Jul 1 - 11AM
girlsinger
girlsinger's picture

Kizzy/ the music buissness...geeze

Hi there take your heart to the MUSIC not to the BUISSNESS got it? if you dont have a thick skin that's ok I have the thinnest skin ever, and the music Buissness is what I do 24/7, I am a published songwriter and sing/record/perform/compose full time I also host 2 radio shows, did it all while coming back from excruciating intestinal surgury and Kizzy no one knew anything including the Narc ( and he's a doctor!) so, no excuses you dont need a thick skin, that is what your 'rep's are for do you have an agent, a lawyer? if you dont, GET SOME! BTW its good that they are Narc's you will always get the best deal, that way (thier ego's depend on how well you do so if your good they look good...actually its PERFECT! just DO NOT EVER get involved with one personally N's dont do relationships N's are out to KILL.., they kill joy, music, love they kill anything good, they hate beauty in all forms you dont need a thick skin, Kizzy you need to be the best at what you do! that takes all you've got that takes a strong mind set you have the 'seeds" of all you need inside you develop it, water those seeds the other stuff has a way of working out if You get busy girl! dont bother yourself with who's a narc who's not who cares! you are wiser now, you have all you need to defend and protect yourself you cant wait around for all the conditions to be right to make music if indeed you are devoted as you say there are too many "moving parts" stay in your lane do what YOU DO BEST have you got your album/songs/arrangements/musicians/studio... all ready to go? if not.. get busy be blessed K
Jul 1 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
kizzy72
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I'm not a singer

I can sing, and I think deep down that's why I try so hard, but never believed enough in myself to try to become a vocalist in the industry, so I WAS mainly involved on the business side, trying to get into artist development and A&R to help other artist, but in dealing with "other exects", I got and still get hurt a lot and that might be the problem. I'm just not made to be an exect because I care too much. Sort of like Jerry McGuire; I believe in having a personal relationship and caring for my clients, but these exects man, they are so heartless. One exect that I know of, who writes blogs (famous blogs) about understanding depression, drug abuse etc because one of his clients (the dude I created the site for), fell victim to depression and alcohol, but when I tried to reach out to him about my circumstances (based on a blog he wrote), plus his former client I created that website for, he was the complete opposite of what he tries to come across as. I asked him about writing an article on Phyllis Hyman and about depression and bringing more attention about the subject especially in the African American community because the stigma about depression is terrible, and his reply was something sarcastic like "I don't usually take too kindly to people suggesting ideas for my blog, but I will take your idea into serious consideration". Which of course he never did. He also, seemed to have some sort of attitude about his "former" client that he then had no contact with, and on his private facebook page posted a legal mishap his "former" client went through, but now he's "in contact with him". This is the guy I created the website for, so I mentioned to him about being in contact with him because last year he wasn't, and being that he was, my plain and clear message was for him to let him know about the website. He got on the defense and said "last year I wasn't in contact with him, now I am, what exactly is my crime?". Then he blocked me! Just a serious assholes, which honestly, lives through other famous people but he's no major executive that anyone knows well. I was like what the hell is wrong with these people.