Feeling A lot of Empathy for Everyone on this board

13 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Apr 1 - 7AM
kizzy72
kizzy72's picture

Feeling A lot of Empathy for Everyone on this board

I'm reading a lot of stories on here and to see how long some of you delt with this type of behavior makes me so depressed.

I only put up with the abuse for less than six months, so I can't imagine what its like to deal with it for years. Even though I've had multiple abusers throughout my life over the span of twenty years. All of my relationships with men were abusive.

I don't think a lot of you realize just how strong you really are.

Apr 1 - 12PM
It'sAllAboutMeNow (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Kizzy

It's from these lessons that we draw strength and courage be it 6 months or 20 years. Everyone's expereince is going to be different and some more heart wrenching than others. The good new is that we have made it out and alive. And the same goes for you! Welcome to the board!
Apr 1 - 8AM
dudette
dudette's picture

Kizzy

Thank you and big hugs coming your way too x
Apr 1 - 7AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Thanks hon and welcome to the board

You are right, it takes a great deal of strength and courage to make it through a PD and even more to go through the recovery process of looking at ourselves and breaking lifelong patterns of choosing abusive men. Some on here have only had a Narc or two, yet many of us have never had a great relationship and are doing the work necessary to break these patterns in us and this does require us to be strong. I like you, have had a series of less than stellar relationships which were relatively short in duration. However, the emotional and sprititual fall out from these abusive relationships can last years and make it difficult to trust again. This is what the steps are all about. Healing at long last and taking the necessary action to avoid these situations in the future. Thanks for sharing and so glad you got out early on, perhaps you have some tips for others on how to nip it in the bud, you must be strong as well to be able to see the signs and end it quickly. How are you doing with this? I would like to explore this on here, just what it is that hooks us in the first place and how to see those red flags, BEFORE, we enter into another relationship with a PD and how to get out quickly if we slip again, before too much damage is done. God bless, Goldie
Apr 1 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
kizzy72
kizzy72's picture

The triggers

Because I've had so many episodes with abuse, I'm able to pick up on the patterns pretty quickly but still deal with trying to make it work because, as you said, the lingering affects of being abused have lasted for years and I've never faced that is why I hold on because I still blame myself, but the minute a man makes me feel pain and unworthy is what triggers it for me. Many men in my family have said anytime a woman has to go out of her way for a man, something is wrong because a real man should court a woman and do so with respect and if I'm doing all the work, all the worrying, and in the midst of it, I'm being given charming insults or being blamed for the tiniest things, then that's a red flag for me because no person is perfect but a psychopath and/or Narc, spend their every waking moment to try and make their victims feel like they are the ones with the problem and it usually shows right off. Like this recent incident, I was very proud that I did not become attracted to this guy because he did tell me he had a similar past to his brothers, which means he's had alcoholic problems, and I vowed to never date an alcoholic again, whether he is in recovery or not because nine times out of ten someone with alcoholic problems also has severe emotional problems, but I entrusted this man with friendship, thinking he was there for me, but by the second conversation I knew something was wrong with his personality flipped on me and it reminded me of my ex-boyfriend when he was drunk. Its so hard to tell because some people when they are sober they are very nice, then they get drunk and they are very mean or vice versa, but I knew just by listening and the fact that this man claimed to be a man of God and of the church, when he uttered the words "f**king" to me, plus other things he said out of his mouth, I knew he was a fake. Now I just have to get to the point where when I know the signs, I don't internalize it and beat myself up. My therapist said, when people have been abused all their lives, they learn to people please and to place other people's importance above their own. In other words, I don't have any self worth and feel other people are more important than I am because this has not only happened with men. I have been in friendships (non-romantic) with women who were psychopaths and left scars too. I internalize everything and the minute I start to feel bad about me as a result of how someone else is treating me; I then realize I am in an unhealthy relationship because no one that truly loves you and cares about you will make you cry or put you down. They will accept you for who you are in all your ways both good and bad.
Apr 1 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

I can relate to all that you have said here

Sounds like you have a keen insight into what you are going through and this is going to help you with your recovery. You just need to trust what you know. They suck us in, brainwash us, and the trauma bond sets in and then the pain and self doubt and before you know it, you begin to question your own reality. This is all about deprogramming yourself from him and others and taking enough time to grow stronger. The focus needs to be on you now. I totally agree, once we start making them the priority, we begin to sink. You are the priority today. Do what is best for you, not anyone else. Be gentle on yourself and show yourself the kindness you would have shown him because you DESERVE it, he does not deserve jack shit!!! He has earned nothing. People need to earn respect, trust, and our pearls. God bless, Goldie
Apr 1 - 9AM (Reply to #7)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Baby steps

Lol, I hear ya. When I first started to put myself first it was foreign to me as well. I remember one day at the supermarket saying to myself: I am going to only buy what I like to eat, as my son was no longer home and the narc was gone. I did not even know what I liked to eat anymore because I was always buying what they liked to eat. I had so much fun looking at all the food and forcing myself to only pick out what I wanted. They sure as shit do not bring home what we want very often. I also enjoyed watching my TV shows and not the crap he liked to watch. He would make fun of my shows and I found his to be all the stupid ones aside from the occasional history channel. Take a little baby step this week and do what makes you happy and try to remove from your brain any thoughts that come up about what it "should" be because there are no shoulds here, just what is inside you. Let me know how it goes. xoxoxxo Goldie
Apr 1 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
kizzy72
kizzy72's picture

hmmm what shall I do

I think the main thing is that I finally get my health and fitness together for ME and not to please or impress someone else. I always get in shape, lose weight for the abuser, then they leave and I put it back on as punishment or eat for sooth the pain. That's one step right?
Apr 1 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Sure is

Just beginning to eat healthy foods which you like is a huge step. PD's screw with our eating habits big time. We either don't eat at all or we eat comfort fattening foods or the foods they like which may not be best for our bodies. I began dancing again after the Narc left. I personally do not like to workout much at fitness clubs, even though I used to work at them. Dancing is an excellent way for me to work out and get the narc off my mind. I would choose upbeat songs and just start moving. After awhile I started doing more difficult stretches and adding weights. The endophine rush was great and it helped me to stop obsessing as well, cuz I was too damn tired to think. Sometimes I would do it for 2 hours and be on a high and exhausted afterwards. What ever works for you hon is what is best for now. God bless, Goldie
Apr 1 - 9AM (Reply to #10)
kizzy72
kizzy72's picture

i love to dance!

And i mean dance, learning choreography from music videos, for hours, burning 450+ calories. Its how I lost a lot of my weight before, that and using Weight Watchers points and Tai Chi for health, but its like for the past two years I have felt so much emotional strain that its made me feel unable to even get up. I literally feel heavy with emotion, like its weighing me down, but its not healthy.
Apr 1 - 8AM (Reply to #4)
kizzy72
kizzy72's picture

scary

Its scary learning to put and value myself, its like learning another language. I don't even know where to begin :(
Apr 1 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
spinning
spinning's picture

Kiz, what a great

way to put it! I feel the same, though the 'language' is starting to make a little more sense to me! :) I'm working hard on valuing myself enough to NEVER allow myself to be treated so POORLY as I allowed the disordered one to treat me. I had NEVER been treated so badly in all my years on the planet! I send you the good vibes for healing and peace. sincerely (still trying to stop) spinning

spinning

Apr 1 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
kizzy72
kizzy72's picture

Hugs to Spinning

Thank you honey :)