Wow! I'm feeling the same emotions today. Somehow he manages to keep all his friends and significant Ex's in his "golden circle" while I'm ousted to nonexistance. I lost all my friends and even family doesn't believe me when I share with them my experiences with the P. They say I must be mistaken. He would never do anything so sinister. He grew up a 'good church-going boy'.
The conclusion I've come to is it isn't the loss of him that I'm grieving. I'm grieving the realization of how sick he really is. I am not accepting that someone I've known my whole life chose to target me as his next victim. It simply can't be...of all people, I am extremely devastated to discover he is so disordered, and I can't stand the helplessness feeling of knowing there is nothing I can do about it.
I feel the same and I'm 5 months out. But, the more I think about this feeling, I realize it's been with me most of my life. I've always felt left out and lonely, way before the Narcs entered my life.
My realization is that I'm attracted to Narcs because they present an image of confidence, security, strength, self-assured, etc. which are all the attributes I lacked. They are exciting and the bad boy thing is enticing to me. I was looking for others to fill my voids; definately the wrong others.
So, I think this pain is driving me to face the fact that I must learn to create my own life so I don't fall apart when people leave. Counting on other people to fill my voids has not worked for obvious reasons. This is difficult but I'm trying to become my own person so in the future, i can bring a healthy, non-needy self to relationships.
Tresor you hit the nail on the head for me. You are right, I have felt lonely and left out my entire life, just before the Narc swept me off my feet I was feeling this exact same way, more lost than I am now. I had been 1 year out of a relationship and felt alone, lost, had no confidence and the only reason I felt better was because this smart, attractive, confident person who seemed to have it all together wanted to be with little old lost soul.
I have had this feeling my whole life and I have been running from it. I realise the only time I feel better is when I meet someone else. How sick is that.
How do you think we get past this when this feeling has been with us our whole lives?
You're not sick, you just haven't come to a place of understanding until now.
Well, the way I'm working to get past it is by going back to work through my original wounding and to really examine and challenge my faulty and irrational beliefs. The work involves forgiveness, understanding and acceptance and eventually, unconditional love and compassion for myself. I also have a spiritual practice which is everything to me.
The part I'm still struggling with is grieving the loss of N and also my other losses. Once we are able to fill our emptiness with love, everything else will fall in place. I really believe that we attract where we are, internally, in life. I know that's why I attracted narcs; it was because they picked up on the fact that I was empathic, wounded, insecure, unsure of myself and vulnerable. That's not who I am but some of those traits are narc candy.
This journey is lifelong and I'm a work in progress but, it's the only way I know how to live today.
You've taken the first step which is recognizing some of your patterns. Focus on you and your recovery and take care of that little girl inside.
Being in a relationship with a disordered person usually leads to feelings of isolation coupled with an intense fear of being alone when the other person is not there. This is largely due to the way they programme their victim to be dependent on them through the creation of addiction-like symptoms.
Typically, over time the victim's life gradually changes and begins to revolve more and more around the life of the disordered person until the victim has "lost" themselves in the relationship. Then, when the relationship breaks down completely, the victim often feels that there is not enough of her left to carry on alone.
These feelings of emptiness can continue for a long time afterwards, this is normal. But eventually they should start to gradually diminish as you get stronger in the process of rebuiding your life and "finding" yourself again.
xxx
Thank you for your post. It makes sense. I lost myself in the relationship - it was intensely confusing and upsetting. Trying to find enough of me to carry on. I know, I know I will...and I will be BETTER THAN BEFORE.
cr
Kizzy I am 5 months out and feel the same....lonely. I go to work talk to no one - as I had to leave my old job and friends because he worked there, I come home and talk to no one, go to the gym, get ready for work, go to bed, and rinse, lather, repeat. I am so lonely.
I am more lonely 5 months out than I was 6 weeks out.
Why do you think this is harder at this stage? I think because the drama has gone and we know for sure that it is over. I miss my old life. My friends, his company, our friends. I miss it more now than I ever have. So weird! Time is meant to heal but time is making me lonely even though I am trying to build a life for myself.
It's been nearly a year out for me, and even though I've made my life happy and full and active, I still miss being part of his world. I loved being part of it. Thinking of his family and all his friends all still together and going on without me as though I never existed makes me feel rather bereft and left out. I guess that's all part of it.
I am just past the 6 month mark and feel very lonely and left out. At times it is unbearable, I am glad to have found this web site and as we find things that help let's share. I know God has better plans for us, but the pain is still soooo real! Hang in there!
adoette
I'm feeling left out both in the Narcs life and in my own.
Having an illness myself which no one understands, a caregiver to a sick mother, still grieving my fathers death, can't stand my job because I'm sick all the time, being over weight, and six months ago I thought I had someone in my life as a friend that I thought and swore he understood me then discarded me with no explanation, just silent treatment.
Its just one thing after another. Wanting friends, but too afraid to make any.
Trust is a tough thing to regain after it's been lost. I'm struggling with this, too. Your friend from six months ago doesn't sound like a good friend at all.
Please know you can always come here and no one will discard you.
{{Big hugs}}
thank you Lobo555. god i felt so safe when you said 'no one will discard you here' at the forum.
truly, it is the discard that is hurting. how much even i try to remember that i was never a loser...i do realise i have lost
i'm pretty sure that's par for the course.
can you say more? do you feel alone and left out from the narc's life, or are you feeling that way in general?
is this on-going/long term or is it something new?
know that you are part of us here and you are not alone. i'm sorry you are feeling that way, though. that sucks.
(((hugs)))
adoette
PS I'm approaching my 6 months...thanks for leading the way. =)
Wow! I'm feeling the same
Left Out
Tresor you hit the nail on
Puzzle
Kizzy
Thank you for this post
Nemesis-
Kizzy I am 5 months out and
It's been nearly a year out
Lonely and Left
Both
Wish I Could Hug You
thank you Lobo555. god i felt
I posted today in the same
kizzy72