Feel sad and filled with regret

25 posts / 0 new

#1 May 30 - 8PM

Deidre40

Feel sad and filled with regret

I have many blessings. I have great kids. I'm dating a great guy right now...who's been a longtime friend of mine. He has listened to me rant about the exN, before we started going out. He's been amazing.

But, tonight...for the first time in a few weeks, I felt this overwhelming sadness. Just cried my eyes out, from regret. Regret of sleeping with that narc. He said horrible things to me after the breakup...and has never sincerely apologized.

I just feel so sad tonight. The good news. He's been banned (again) from that site...for a long time. So, I don't have to see him posting his bullshit. I am back in the angry stage. I have friends that we share, and one brought him up today...telling me he got a new car. I told the person, that's good...and changed the topic.

Is it wrong of me to want to rid my life of our mutual friends? These aren't lifelong friends, we pretty much developed friendships last year, when we all met for the first time at a local party. (local to me, he lives out of state) I don't want to ever log in again on that website. When I stay away from it, I'm good. I need to just go away from anything, and everything narc-related...

I don't want to hear about him. It just makes me fill up with deep regret. He was the worse decision I've ever made in my life. Thx for listening. Sorry to vent. :=( Just having a tough night.

#2 Jun 1 - 6PM

blessingindisguise

Deidre

I know how you feel. I'm having one of those nights myself. I'm angry that this happened to me, that I've been financially devastated and losing my home, dealing with cruel hurt and abuse, and trying to get a life together again for myself and my children. I hate having these days because for the most part, I've been doing pretty well. It just sort of sneaks up on me every now and then. It is just so unjust and unfair. I worry most about my precious children and the hurt and damage from all of this.

#3 May 31 - 5PM

Done sourcing

We have a couple mutual

We have a couple mutual friends that I still like to see and talk to. I have asked them to please not mention anything about the N to me, and to remind me of this if I bring her up to them. Working so far...

#4 May 31 - 6PM (Reply to #23)

Susan32

They will help

Those who are TRULY friends will. I've caught myself from time to time... the ex-Psych prof's colleagues are an awesome bunch. They NEVER mention him, even if I'm the one who slips up& make an oblique reference to him. They don't talk about him. Sometimes you don't have to ask, they just KNOW. Depending on how public (and ugly) the D&D is... they will understand. I've come to realize just how great the ex-P's colleagues are. They were at my side the whole time. I had felt so alone at the time... and I really wasn't.

#5 May 31 - 2PM

Alibi_10

D40

Sorry you have had a bit of a dip - you were doing so well, but don't beat yourself up. I agree with the girls who say that you don't need this website (I mean the one with and Narc on, not this one!). What you don't know won't hurt you. Hugs.

#6 May 31 - 11AM

kgirl

Awww D... I'm so sorry you

Awww D... I'm so sorry you felt so awful :( Please be gentle with yourself......you didn't know what he was or you wouldn't have given so much of yourself to him. Don't place blame on yourself....we taken enough blame already. But it is good to process those feelings and get them out! I think it is perfectly fine to cut out mutual friends if that is what you need to heal from this. Sending you a big hug sweet lady! XoXo ~KG

#7 May 31 - 11AM

Steph

I think this site you both

I think this site you both belong to has caused you more harm than good.....from what I have read here. Miss D, I think it's time to say farewell to the site for good. You said yourself that you don't have "lifelong" friends there....so what is keeping you there?

#8 May 31 - 10AM

Hunter

D40

Clean house D it's the best thing for you! Move forward! Hunter

#9 May 31 - 6AM

onwithmylife

hi Deidre

you will move on, look at it this way, at least you have met a great guy, I have been ,looking for over a year and no one, just so many weirdos and creeps, who argue with me over where to meet!!

#10 May 30 - 9PM

SoaperGirl

Feeling sad/regretful and self-esteem issues

When I'm feeling really beaten down, I tell myself that I will get through this. I tell myself that a year from now, everything will be different. Was just reading earlier about how some of us seem to get stuck in similar unsatisfying relationships.. Guest Post: A Journey in an Honest Conversation from Pain to Self-Love http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/guest-post-a-journey-from-pain-to-self-love/ We try too hard to settle for people and relationships that don't meet our needs, and in the process, end up convincing the object of our affections that they can do better elsewhere all because our self-esteemn and feelings of inadequacy are so low. Good point in the article is they are not that special, and we shouldn't be putting them up on a pedestal. Its given me a lot of things to consider. With regard to your feelings tonight, I'd have to say is go ahead and allow yourself to feel sad and regretful. There is a purpose in all this. Cut off mutal friends if it helps. Good luck! Hope you get to feeling better soon! Hugs, Linda

#11 May 30 - 9PM (Reply to #11)

Deidre40

soaper girl

I was hemming and hawing post this, and glad I did! Thanks very much for your words here. I appreciate that. I am feeling a tad better. It's time for me to cut ties to everything-narcness. lol It's the only way I can heal. Fully. I think something triggers me, like my friend telling me about him...and I just felt overwhelmingly sad. I had told this man NO NO NO when he first asked me out last year Why oh why did I ever give him a chance THIS year? :=( The greatest lessons remembered are those that leave scars, unfortunately. {{hugs}} hope you're having a good weekend, lady.

#12 May 30 - 9PM (Reply to #12)

SoaperGirl

Thanks Dee

Sometimes, I think I don't really express myself as well as the others do. Thank you for the kind words. another great article I referred to above is located at: They’re Just Not THAT Special and Why Putting People On Pedestals Makes Them Think They Can Do Better Than YOU http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/theyre-just-not-that-special-and-why-putting-people-on-pedestals-makes-them-think-they-can-do-better-than-you/ Hang in there, we all have tough times when everything feels terrible. You will get past this. You are strong!

#13 May 31 - 6AM (Reply to #16)

onwithmylife

soaper girl

I love that post from baggagereclaim, they are not that special,NO ONE is give yourself away and get zero in return, I had to print that one out and post it on my fridge!

#14 May 30 - 9PM (Reply to #15)

Susan32

Incompatibility

The ex-Psych prof got to deal with ME putting his live-in girlfriend on a pedestal because I wanted CLOSURE. Besides, I gave him The Talk. I said that sometimes people are incompatible, doesn't make the other partner bad, or wrong--it's just that they're not right for each other. I'll use the example of peanut butter&mayo. Let's say I was the peanut butter&he was the mayo (he made plenty himself with his self-pleasuring habit). Peanut butter&mayo can be great on their own. Mayo goes good in egg&tuna salad sandwiches. Peanut butter goes well with chocolate, jelly, jam. But peanut butter&mayo do NOT go well together. I basically told him that he was better off being happy with her than unhappy with me-because he&I were a lousy fit. He&I were like a Lady GaGa outfit--wildly mismatched. Clashing. Incompatibility isn't devaluing me, I didn't devalue him... I just said we weren't right for each other. What makes it surreal is that the ex-P didn't put his girlfriend on a pedestal. He didn't even want to talk about her, and what I said made him visibly uncomfortable. So he hoovered me like crazy&I ignored him. He didn't pretend to be part of a Happy Couple with her. He didn't hold hands, didn't kiss, didn't even introduce her to his colleagues when she made her debut. He could've made out with her in front of me and he did NOT do that. He must've thought that if they acted like a Harlequin romance novel cover, I would've smiled, healed, played Cupid, and moved on. When I gave the both of them a Disney Fairytale Happy Ending... the ex-P threw an "emotional boundary violation" fit. That threw me for a curve. Frankly, I was more stunned than hurt.

#15 May 30 - 9PM (Reply to #13)

Deidre40

soapergirl

you communicate JUST FINE! Don't sell yourself short, soaper. I have always come away a little more inspired from reading what you have to say. Serious. {{hugs}}

#16 May 31 - 6AM (Reply to #14)

SoaperGirl

Thanks Dee - Self Esteem Issues, Alone But Not Lonely

Everyone has helped me so much on this board, and I've found a lot of great reading online. You are truly amazing, wonderful women! I owe you a debt of gratitude I can never hope to repay! I'm feeling strong and healthy again, and you've each contributed to my hopeful, positive outlook! No reflection on anyone else, but increasingly I'm finding myself bored by the whole subject of narcissism. Now I'm thinking of how I can improve my life and and bring joy back into it. I used to enjoy being by myself and considered myself great company - always doing things, always busy and enjoying every minute. My son will be moving into his own place very soon, and likely his BFF will be joining him. That leaves me alone again. I'm rediscovering myself. Last night I created a cover letter to go along with my resume and applied for some more top jobs. I'm thinking seriously about how I can lose weight, get some nice clothes, expand my social life. One article in particular really opened my eyes which I strongly recommend reading: (It really got me thinking big time!) "They’re Just Not THAT Special and Why Putting People On Pedestals Makes Them Think They Can Do Better Than YOU" http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/theyre-just-not-that-special-and-why-putting-people-on-pedestals-makes-them-think-they-can-do-better-than-you/ Yes, I know I can do better. I think I'm a nice looking woman at 62, still active, love to get out and about, do things, explore the world, have an insatible curiosity about life..with some makeup and nice clothes, and learning to feel good about me- ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE! YES! Now I know I can do better than him! He is nothing! He is trash! He is garbage! I can do better! Let the OW have that miserable sack of shit! I CAN DO BETTER! Love to all!

#17 May 30 - 9PM

booboo35

Hi Deidre, It is hard, I have

Hi Deidre, It is hard, I have not had a proper big massive cry yet, But that will all catch up with me, Your post have inspired me on here i was reading on one of your posts before how the Narcs lie about other women, So they can cause as much conflict and trouble as they can, And how they like to pitt women against each other, That really hit a nerve with me, And has give me some of my confidence back, As they just try to do it to make us jealous, I am like you too i regret i ever let him touch my body, Come into my home, Wash his clothes, Its like a hatred for myself now as too why i would let some body do this too me, But do not be too hard on yourself, (Big hug From Liverpool) xx

STAY STRONG!! XX

#18 May 30 - 9PM (Reply to #6)

Deidre40

booboo

{{{hugs}}} booboo...your posts have been inspiring also. I think we all hold each other up when we have to, right? :=) Thanks for your kind words. Yes...they do pit women against each other. My exN brought his ex wife (the 4th one) into many discussions...and I didn't really care. I didn't mind him sharing/venting about the demise of that marriage. But, after a while, I started to wonder if he wanted me to feel jealous. He claimed she wrote to him, and made a deragatory comment about our pic on her FB page when we were together. It's sad to wonder what was truth, and what was fiction. Did he make it up to make me jealous? Why was she still contacting him? I dunno. It's not worth worrying over. Where I am at ...is not missing him. Not ever wanting him back. It's a deep sad regretful feeling. Like if I could be granted a rewind button, I'd go back to January, and have told him 'no' when he asked me out again. But, I didn't. I trusted. I saw good in him. Thought I'd be different than alllll his wives before me. I am having a tough time I think cuz I feel like a fool.

#19 May 30 - 10PM (Reply to #7)

sadlymistaken

Deidre

I have read many of your postings and we have many similarities. A very lonely, unloved, emotionally abusive childhood that left us unsure of what love really felt like. So we engaged in relationships that evoked similar feelings of the ones we experienced during our abusive childhoods. I met a long-distance, textbook narc online and had a long distance relationship. We were only physically together on a few occassions also. After things began to unfold, his behavior was just so off that I began researching and discovered NPD. Bingo. Textbook. But low and behold, this also explains my abusive childhood and several relationships I was "trained" for afterwards. I STILL have feelings of complete disgust over being with him. However, if it weren't for him-I wouldn't be on this road to self-love. I also found God in all of this. Thus, I now KNOW for the first time what true love actually feels like. Sometimes our biggest devils in life are actually our angels in disguise. I would NEVER let my narc know this but I guess I actually have to thank God for the experience. Who knows what I would have suffered next, as I know I was a sitting duck for these nutjobs. And mine is far away also. What a blessing! It was almost like God sent this short burst of hell to us so we could FINALLY be free from this abuse we were born into. I'm about a year farther out than you though. But maybe this could be a different way to look at things. You seem like such a kind, intelligent and just overall amazing woman. Now you can finally begin to live the life God intended. Blessings, love and hugs

#20 May 31 - 7AM (Reply to #8)

Deidre40

sadlymistaken

That's it. Exactly. I think I have 'medicated' myself with bad men for a good part of my adult life. :=( To not have that 'medication' anymore...feels sort of like a fish out of water. I feel free on some days, and then I feel trapped on others. I have no desire to contact him. That's not it. But, the guy I'm seeing, let's say this...I'm not used to normal. I'm used to the other shoe dropping. Just sucks to have had as you say...such a lonely upbringing. I thanked God for allowing me to experience this because like you, I've grown closer to Him. THAT is love like no other. Nothing on this earth can bring us that kind of love. I also am taking an inventory of 'friends.' If I call someone my friend, he/she needs to be there for me as a true friend. I am realizing today, I have very few true friends. Another sad revelation. But better to have one's eyes open and see the truth, then to have them closed...and live a fantasy. I'm tired of making excuses for people. If you care about me, you will show it in actions. I don't have the desire to say to someone...''we are no longer friends and here's why.'' I think I'm going to change my number--and when IF they dial my number...they'll see it's been changed. Should they email me, I won't reply. As I said, I'm taking a hard look at who belongs in my life and who doesn't. So many I have mistakenly called friends. Who are not. So, I'm feeling pain today realizing that I have made excuses for so many in my life, just so I would have people around me, as I didn't want to feel lonely like I did in my own family. :=( I told my sister off recently. That helped, finally standing up to her after so many years of her off and on bullying. And as for the narc. I'll just have to feel this way about regretting that whole thing, til I don't feel this way any longer. Thank you VERY much for your post. It hit home, and I reread it a few times! {{hugs}}

#21 Jun 1 - 2PM (Reply to #9)

Caligirl

D40

First, I hope you're feeling better today. Second, I've been meaning to respond to a question you asked me awhile back about whether I was blamed a lot growing up, and this is a good opportunity. I've been reading about narcissism a lot and thinking about my childhood. I have more than one sister and growing up they liked to bully me. I tend to want to promote peace and try to avoid strife. My childhood stuff does contribute to my blame, as they liked to blame me often. It was pretty chaotic at times. I have also felt like my relationship with my N has been the biggest mistake I have made. However, your post makes me realize that, had it not been for my N, I might not be looking at all this. You have been an inspiration to me, so sorry to see you get down. You're a special person, so please do not blame yourself. You and I both went for bad boys this time. If I remember correctly our narcs are similar. I am two months out, and have good days and bad days. I just celebrated my birthday, and though I had a great time with family, spent some of the time thinking about him:( When I found this forum, you said something to me I often remember...that it takes courage to leave the one thing you think you need the most, the person you think you can't live without (paraphrasing). Thanks for that. The first time my exN and I split up last year, I was in a ball, crumpled on the floor. This time I drove away with my head held high. You are doing great! Pat yourself on the back. Remember, we will have moments when we start to obsess again or question ourselves, but that is normal after all the abuse we've been through. I'm remembering that phrase that whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger. They tried to break us, but we got away, and every day we get stronger. Keep on keeping on. ((Hugs))

#22 May 30 - 9PM

Redhead1

You need to do exactly what

You need to do exactly what is good for you. If it will make you feel better, do it. Going through a similar situation with exSIL(narcs sister). In the end we have to do what is good for us. XOXO

#23 May 30 - 9PM (Reply to #4)

Deidre40

redhead

Thank you redhead...you are right. {{hugs}} for you!! here's to a better week. I did have a good weekend, overall.

#24 May 30 - 8PM

Smarter-thanthis

Tough nights suck. When does

Tough nights suck. When does this crazy rollocoaster of sadness, anger, longing,bewilderment,missing him ever end? Don't be sorry for venting........

#25 May 30 - 9PM (Reply to #2)

Deidre40

smarter than this

You know, I have days I feel great. I broke up with him; I found the courage! Hooray! lol But, then there are days, when I just wish it all never happened. The pain of the whole thing has been horrible. As you well know. I am not missing him. But, I am angry with myself. And I'm angry he's talked badly about me to our friends. It just is something I wish I could erase. Thanks for chiming in here!! {{hugs}}

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