I felt that way with the ex-Psych prof. Now, like all Ns/Ps, he'd cut&run if I had REAL problems, if I were sick, mourning,etc. The adage "Narcs can't stand seeing you sick/weak" holds true. But the ex-P couldn't stand seeing me happy or healthy either. He'd avoid me then too. Yeah, he'd get kick out of seeing me weepy... if I were HAPPY, he'd accuse me of not taking him seriously. He was paranoid about it.
The ex-P idolized Leo Tolstoy. But Sofia Tolstoy, in her memoir of her wedding, says something we'd resonate with-
"I was too wrapped up in my love for Lev Nikolaevich&the fear of losing him. These fears have never left me;they have remained in my heart throughout my life, although thank God we have kept our love for each other intact throughout 48 years of marriage."
The fear of losing someone hinders one from a feeling of contentment and security. Doesn't help that Ns/Ps also project their abandonment fears onto us. And I was the one who had the "pleasure" of dumping him. I was the one who left New Mexico without a goodbye, without telling anyone.
What do you think is the BIG hangup with seeing us HAPPY? Or when we are SICK?
I don't get that at all. It was always a competition with my ex if I was happy, or even got excellent grades in school.
I remember once he picked up my coding book, gave a weird sort of smirk and said, "I could never do this"...
He left a note one time on my bed on top of one of my books.
"I'm proud of you">
what an asshole, he could have cared LESS about my schooling or how well I was doing. He seemed more to ENVY it and he did everything in his power to sabotage my efforts.
I KNOW when we write sad, weepy, angry, pining things (or romantic things) when breaking NC they feel EMPOWERED. It gives them that spike of NS. But I can only wonder how the ex-Psych prof reacted whenever I wrote things (and that would be 99% of them when breaking NC) that overflowed with HAPPINESS.
When I broke NC in '09, my letter to him was so overflowing with HAPPINESS about having a newborn nephew AND going to Boston (he ALWAYS discouraged me when it came to his home state of Massachusetts, calling it the "land of neurotic Puritans",saying it was depressing, I wouldn't like it, he was gloomy because he was from gloomy Worcester) To add to matters, I *ECSTATICALLY* wrote about seeing the museums in Boston, the MFA, the ISG, and all the sights. I wrote as if I had come back from the Earthly Paradise (Dante goes there before entering Heaven)
My note was the equivalent of unicorns prancing around with Care Bears while there's a feast of Lucky Charms with dancing leprechauns and fairies. It was THAT sappily happy. I should've shown more concern for the ex-P's father's blood sugar.... because after the fact, I realized his parents had moved in with him when I had broken NC. Le sigh.
Those words they leave us in a state of the possibility of perpetual abandonment says it all, that is exactly to the letter how i felt with the narc, EXACTLY, never knowing when the left shoe would fall and he would discard me, it was a nightmare, hence the anxiety all the time.
that is it exactly! That's the explanation for why the end of a relationship with an N is so devastating. The possibility of impending abandonemt increases the horror of the actual abandonment into something so terrifying that it actually mirrors a childhood terror all out of proportion to what it really is: simply the end of a relationship with another adult. They condition us--like Chinese water torture until the mere end is more than we THINK we can bear.
That's why it is so important to see it for what it is: just a breakup and so rob it of its power. Maybe in a way they NEED our pain and devastation because they can't feel anything like that. So they relive their original injury thru us?
It seems to me that they need to inflict as much harm as possible at the end. The BIG drama, almost calculated, as if the constant threat of abandonment is always there, it builds and builds (his control) until we are so paranoid and exhausted from waiting for it to happen that when it does, it is explosive and soul destroying emotionally. what they threatened us with with fear, has come to pass. It's like living a constant state of hypervigilance waiting for the inevitable end to come. I'm surprised we've not all had heart attacks or strokes from all the stress of just living that everyday.
Gosh this really caused me to think. Ex abandoned his 2 teenagers and ex wife and when we were togeter my biggest fear was him taking off. Although he claimed to deeply love me, marriage blah blah blah his actions never met hgis words. And sure enough my biggest fear came true. Abandonement! I have never been thru such a mind blowing, heart wrenching experience as a switch in his behavior. To not physically or emotionally recognize the man you just spent 5 years with loving him more than anything and then you are treated like an enemy, a stranger, a nothing. Messes up yopur head, how could it not? And he knows the ropes for he had already done it and apparently likes doing it. So completely disturbed.
OMG...your post is helping me tie knots. Abandonment...I've said it here before but didn't recognize the pattern...mine ABANDONED his first child......and he abandoned his wife while IN his second marriage.....
Yes Sun for some abandonement is their thing. I was always on pins and needles fearful that he would repeat his abandoning behavior. And when he did it to me I said to him"You abandoned me julst like you did your daughters and wife. Then i told him I trusted him, I believed in him while tears just streamed down my face. I told him I was guilty of one thing...loving him. He had squinty eyes and a weird grin. I did not recognize him at this point. It was frightening. But the mask was off and the real him was revealed.
Although his girlfriend was pregnant after he married his wife and I know of at least 1 affair before me. This woman was married,too. I don't know what happened there. But he is sure still with his wife.
Does his current wife know about you or the affair prior?
Mine stayed with his too, until I blew his cover with her.
He stayed for the normalcy it provided. The cover. That's all.
The affairs were to keep it nice and distant between he and his wife, while also having sex on the side without emotion.
Never feeling safe
Susan
I made sure it overflowed with rainbows&unicorns
ROFLOL!!!
sunafterrain
yes! the state of waiting for abandonment
lilli
Gosh this really caused me to
legacy
sun
But mine didn't abandon his wife or kids
lilli
Lilli