FB "stalking" - mixed blessing

21 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Oct 18 - 12PM
darling.girl
darling.girl's picture

FB "stalking" - mixed blessing

FB “stalking” has been a lightning rod topic. Nonetheless, I want to chime in with my experience. And I won’t call it FB stalking. I’m going to call it FB viewing.

FB viewing, for me, has been a mixed blessing. I think it was my attempt to gain closure. I was stuck in obsessing, trying to figure out what happened to me. How did the person who seemingly loved me so intensely completely cut me off? I could NOT make sense of it. I am a scientist. I think I was gathering “data.” If I don’t understand what is going on, I keep researching. If I can’t make sense of the data, try another hypothesis, another research project. This is what we do in the cognitive dissonance phase, right?

Did I spend so much time FB viewing/researching that I wasn’t able to enjoy life? Yes. But I think I couldn’t enjoy life, anyway, until I got an answer. Whether I understood what happened to me by learning about narcissism through this site or by trying to find answers via FB viewing, there had to be some explanation.

Through FB viewing, I had to see him flirt over and over with other women for me to finally incorporate the fact that I really wasn’t special. And then, the big one. I never would have seen this if I hadn’t been FB viewing so much. He accidentally drunk posted an FB message on his son’s profile page to another woman. He used the same terms of endearment that he used with me, the same choice of words. Unrefutable data! It flew in the face of his reason for ending things with me, which was: “I cannot accept collateral victims” (meaning our respective children). His son has almost 400 FB friends. That’s 400 potential witnesses. A huge public f*** up. Not many of us get to see the narc screw up so publicly. Will he probably be able to weasel his way out of it? Good chance. But the public record was there, even though the post was removed the next day. And I know his son saw it because he commented on how embarrassing it was that his dad (still married) drunk posted a message to "a girl" on his FB page.

I feel deep sorrow for how this must be impacting his son. We all know how we suffered at the hands of a narc. Life for the children of narcs must be its own hell.

It was this last bit of evidence, which I gained through FB viewing, that freed me from the illusion that I lost something good. He’s a dog. Seeing that set me free. Coincidentally, this happened a couple of days after I found this site. Finally, my prayers for release were answered. (BTW – They were answered when I stopped praying for him to come back to me, and started to pray for the ability to get through what I was feeling).

P.S. My view is that if someone posts something publicly on FB, it’s the equivalent of posting it on the electronic version of Times Square. If I go to Times Square to watch the ads, I might be wasting my time, but I’m not stalking. If I go to your house, follow you in your car, wait outside your place of employment, and hack into your email and/or computer, that is stalking.

Oct 19 - 2PM
ally2375
ally2375's picture

darling.girl

So often the advice given on this site is based on the experience of how others' have felt when engaging in the same behaviors. I advise to stay NC because it's what steered me out of the fog. I say don't dig for information, because whenever I learned something indirectly it hit me like a ton of bricks. Only YOU know how checking in on the FB page made you feel. The best advice I can offer is to do a gut check when you're deciding whether to do anything. Checking FB once may have made you feel free, checking it twice may make you feel terrible. As soon as anything starts to FEEL bad, don't do it. (Sounds simple, but it sure took me a long time to figure this out!)
Oct 19 - 5AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Face book stalking is not

Face book stalking is not going no contact , it is putting you in harms way and exposes you to more of the narcs crazy . I had to have a chuckle on how you justified breaking NC as "collecting scientific data" lol .. its a beautie .. Sweetheart .. block him off your page and life , you have seen the "data" and now its time to work on you . What we are trying to encourage here is to disconnect from the narc , not actively connecting with him . The truth is with narcs is there is no sense , you can not make sense from the senseless . Hunter had it right the other day when she said that recovery isnt easy , if it was we would be here ... How are you going to now stop looking at his FB , do you have a plan of action ? Big love Scoop x
Oct 19 - 12PM (Reply to #18)
darling.girl
darling.girl's picture

My way, my truth

Scoop, I believe what you are telling me comes from a caring place of wanting to see me recover and thrive. But I have to say that when you tell me you are "chuckling" at my thoughts about FB viewing, it feels like I am being belittled and demeaned. To be clear: I am in no way saying that constant FB viewing is good or healthy. What I tried to convey is that it served a very helpful purpose for me. My ex-narc lives hundreds of miles away from me. I never met his friends, saw his town, his place of work... nothing. All I knew about him came from what he told me. He told me his wife had a degenerative disease. I believed everything he told me. So, when things started to go topsy-turvy, I wanted to find out, to the best of my ability, what was true. For good or bad, I got real good at online snooping. I verified that some of what he told was true, but I still believed he loved me. My friends kept telling me that if he wanted to be with me he would, that he probably had other women. I didn't believe them. As I monitored his FB page, I saw him wait many months after ditching me, and then he began to flirt. Mildly at first, then boldly, and then inappropriately (commenting on how hot the daughter of his current victim looked. Yuck!). Then, I saw that he accidentally drunk Facebook posted a message to a woman on his son's profile page. That released me from the ambiguity. I could no longer deny it. I wish I could convey how giddy and light I felt seeing that. I didn't feel hurt or betrayed. I felt elation. It was the DATA that led me to where I am. And I won't back down on my view that I was collecting data. I think it is a disservice to say that everyone has to do it the same way, and that everyone has to follow the same path. I know I don't want to continue monitoring his FB page. If I continue to do that beyond the purpose it has served, then I agree I am hurting myself. But the reality for me is I got something very helpful out of it. I'm not going to deny my truth. Each of us has been conned by the narc to deny our truth. And I won't have it happen here. There is ton of useful advice on this site, and I am thankful beyond measure that I found it. But please be mindful of how you convey your experience and your truth. I don't want to be chuckled at. I don't want to be asked to prove "my truth." This is MY experience. It doesn't have to be the same for everyone else.
Oct 19 - 1PM (Reply to #19)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Part of recovery is getting your smile back

Scoop is one of the moderators on here and she has a great sense of humor and would NEVER "make fun" of anyone. Part of OUR denial system is to come up with a variety of reasons, "excuses" as to why we have to remain in contact with the Narc. This is part of OUR addiction to the Narc. She was simply saying that your's was funny and she has months of recovery under her belt and can laugh again. This is a good thing. Perhaps one day you will laugh at how long it took you to realize that a man cheating on his wife was NOT the love of your life. I am NOT making fun of you by saying that either. I was with a guy much younger than me who was robbing me blind for drugs. He kept telling me that I was the love of his life. Honestly, at this point I can laugh about how silly and needy I was to believe such hog wash. I put blinders on my eye's and cotton in my ears and ignored the obvious for months. I think the real point here is that you do not need to view facebook for months to realize the obvious because this only causes you pain and keeps you from enjoying the NOW and getting on with your life. Was this your journey and path which you needed to take? Yes, in your case you needed this "evidence" in order to move on. We all do what we need to do and everyone's path is different. We all realize when we realize and we go back as many times as we need to in order to get it and move on. The moderators are recommending what works best; not telling you what you HAVE to do, just trying to help you to avoid more pain. Just because you "get it" now does not mean that you are going to lose the "temptation" to continue to go on to facebook, you may still want to do it, because now it has become a habit and like with any habit, YOU are going to have to continue to work real hard on YOURSELF to avoid this temptation. Trust me, I get it, I have been there. It is not uncommon to come up with NEW EXCUSES to take a peak. We're just saying, that if you can resist, your recovery will progress much faster for you hon, this is all. We want the best for you as we do for all of our members. I am thrilled that you get it now. This is great news. Now the next step is to begin to keep the focus on you, your life, your future, your happiness, and avoid the Narc and his pathetic, inappropriate, posts which are just more fuel for your fire and your pain. God bless, Goldie
Oct 19 - 4AM
Sea
Sea's picture

sorry to hop onto this thread

sorry to hop onto this thread to ask a related question. my exN is a very private person, no profile no info on him except public media reports. His FB has no info on it. He doesnt post anything and i have kicked him outa FB. In a way I have no info on him. Not that i want to stalk him but sometimes still good to peep and see how disordered he is and remind myself to remain NC and no ruminating and rem only the good bits. Anyone has any advice? Thks Sumiko
Oct 19 - 1PM (Reply to #16)
Used
Used's picture

sea

has anyone any advice?...about what sea?,what is the question.
Oct 19 - 1AM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

helped me understand but devastating to see the reality

My exN loves FB and uses it to promote a false image: He used to be a rich celeb and is now 55 and poor (except retirement is good because he earned millions and that makes big IRA) Here are a few things that peeking helped me understand the true fakeness of a Narc: He is poor and drives a used car and posts a fancy sports car He is poor and cannot afford vacations and posts pics of beaches and boats He is poor and posts pic of $500 dog (he abandoned the dog same time as me because he moved into a small apt for a job elsewhere) He moved, did not bother to break up with me and posted 2 pics of him with the sleaziest bar hoe I could ever imagine - this is how i found out why he went silent after the move (he did not mean to make his photos public by the way) I did go through a long period of obsession and I do tend to be an anxious, worrying type even when times are good. I am much better now 9 months later with not peeking and obsessing and do not care what he is doing but I am still deeply wounded by the way he discarded me - I totally bought into the fake shallow love and was not prepared for the ugly ending - road kill - also let him do it again in June when he visited and deeply regret that - I have been having trouble recovering from the hoover and second abandonment. FB peeping though is what led me to this site when I realized his entire persona is a fake and that something was terribly wrong - no jealousy when I saw him with another woman (he had already disappeared but was still texting me the day before he posted). I could see in the pic that he was showing off his new kill - gross I am glad I saw it but would have rather he told me that he was moving and starting a new life instead of going silent and leaving me in the dark sweating out abandonment
Oct 18 - 6PM
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

"Hit by a train"

Sadly, my narc was hit by a train, oh, I dunno, last week, sometime. What a shame -- prime of his life, too. Oh well, no sense in checking up on a dead man.
Oct 18 - 6PM (Reply to #12)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Is it REALLY wrong of me to

Is it REALLY wrong of me to laugh my ass off at that?
Oct 18 - 7PM (Reply to #13)
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

No...no, it is not.

No...no, it is not.
Oct 18 - 1PM
highlander
highlander's picture

A bunch of great comments

A bunch of great comments here. Here and now, in front of all of you, I commit to never Googling her again.....WHEW!
Oct 18 - 1PM
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Only you know when it becomes part of the sickness

if you are still in the "gathering facts" stage- then yes- FB looking can be a viable way to make sure you GET THE TRUTH. but this should only take a few days, not weeks and months of looking to see what he is up to- then it becomes obsessive and addictive and spinning is right- it keeps the focus on him , away from you. and that has been going on too long anyways. the entire time most of us were with these Narcs- our Selves were lost, forgotten, and begging to be acknowledged. Since you have found the truth you needed to confirm he is a sicko- now turn all that time and attention back to you. You so deserve it!
Oct 19 - 6AM
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I kicked my asshole ex out of

I kicked my asshole ex out of f/b before I even moved out of our house...him and his asshole family *poof!* gone. Blocked 'em all too...that was 15 months ago...I don't want to be cyber stalked...I am creeped out at the mere thought of that slimebag keeping tabs on me in any way. It's bad enough that he can run my name/license at any time at work to see where I live, etc...any access he may have to information about me, he gets over my dead body. I have access to his f/b page from some other account I set up a long time ago in the relationship when I played a f/b app and friended his account with it...I have never once felt the urge to peek in on his wall even from that long since forgotten account. I don't want to know what he's doing, I don't care about anything he has to say to anyone, I don't care who he's screwing. None of it matters...in short, he doesn't matter...I don't need any further proof that he's an asshole other than all I gathered while living with him. And that was enough to make me dump him on the curb, where he can rot for all I care.
Oct 19 - 6AM (Reply to #8)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

More Thoughts About Facebook

Not saying this is a solution, but some pointers that worked for me. 1. If you're concerned about your xN finding you here out of concerns for your personal safety, DO NOT click the "like" button on this site. That will show up in your Facebook feed and everyone in your friends on f/b can see the link to this site. Given the sensitive nature of this place, I wonder why this is even offered as an option? 2. Make your Facebook page private. Go into every account and privacy setting you have and make EVERYTHING private. Either get rid of people who are riding the fence and may spy by proxy on behalf of your xN, or use the F/B custom settings to prohibit these individuals from viewing posts, pics, etc...if you insist on keeping them friended for whatever the insane reason. I let these people ultimately decide their own fate in my life by and through their behavior post-breakup. If they pressed buttons, or acted shitty toward me in any way, even if they were doing it with a smile on their face, out of my f/b account with the xN trash they went. And I was fkn ruthless about it. In or out...there was no gray area. I understand for those who did not want to get involved and I have no issue with those people...but for those who were clearly getting off on the drama, if not contributing to perpetuating more of it, I have no patience for it. The last thing I cared about were their "feelings"...just get lost and stay there. 3. Block your ex. And keep him/her blocked. 4. Create two accounts if you and the ex have shared interests that involve mutual friends. I have one for the shared hobby we have. And one for my family/MY close friends/people I've reunited with from the past. That way, the potential buzzards that linger from the shared hobby see nothing that is going on in my day to day life, they get no personal information...the hobby page is dedicated only to the hobby and nothing more...when I'm planning on attending a tournament, I make sure I post nothing about that. All interactions I have with potential playing partners, I conduct either via IM or private message. I don't do this only because I have an ex and I don't want him to have any involvement in my personal life whatsoever; I do this as a matter of general safety...it's the internet and you have no idea WHO is watching you at any given time. If the ex were to ever find this place (and he won't, because he'd never Google a condition he denies having)...and I've never given him any means to find this site (meaning, I've never clicked "like" on the f/b button here and even if I did, he can't see my page b/c he's blocked) all he's going to see is that he's bad in bed. It'll be the shortest membership in the history of this place.
Oct 18 - 1PM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

Yep, it is not stalking per

Yep, it is not stalking per se. We do need to understand enough to see the reality of the narc, and get the "disordered nature of the narc" concept inside our heads. We need to get it all out, vent, rant, rave, puke, cry...we need to go no contact as soon as possible, we need to accept that there will be separation and pain, we need to re-awaken to our independent selves, and finally we need to heal. At some point we need to stop peeking and watching, because it becomes obsessive...and that is a form of sickness. We start feeling energy come back into us, and then we notice what depletes that vigorous energy...in my case even short ruminations would set me back, drain me...learning that what is best for me might cause some initial pain and agony...separation, aloneness, fear, discomfort...interesting feelings actually...because when with a narc you are truly alone, separate, and emotionally unsafe. ds
Oct 18 - 12PM
spinning
spinning's picture

DG, you can classify it

however you like but for me it is a form of contact. From where I sit it puts your focus and attention on him and not on you. It keeps you in it. I am glad if you got the answers you needed to move on. Any FB viewing after that is irrelevant to healing and keeps the focus on the disordered one and off of moving ahead. I say this from almost 12 months NC. Had I continued to google, snoop, etc. he would remain central in my life. When I made the commitment to shift the focus off of him and onto me, great things began happening in my life. He has become a small shadow that fades more and more each day. I could care less what he's doing and with whom. Life is too short and too great an adventure to waste time keeping tabs on a manipulator and a liar. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE AND I CHOOSE ME.

spinning

Oct 19 - 7AM (Reply to #5)
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

Spinning, love your

Spinning, love your signatures! Here is one for you that I wrote 2 years ago: Choices As you made your choice, And you chose you, There is no more “We”. I would at least Have chosen you and me. Now I have only one choice: You or me. Your actions still make me act Against my nature. (October 10, 2009)
Oct 18 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
darling.girl
darling.girl's picture

Heading to no contact

Hi. The amount of time I look has already gone down once I found you all. The number of places I look has gone down. My intent isn't to say FB viewing is all good, but it served its purpose. After I saw that drunk post, I felt like I had my life back. Yesterday,I went places in MY own town and my world felt like mine again. It felt that way because a part of me had been living in two worlds - the one I actually lived in and the one I wanted to live with him. Now, I DON'T want him anymore. That is the good I got out of it. I think it could be a disservice to say we all have to do it the same way. For some of us, FB viewing might get us to a good place. For some of us, it might keep us trapped for way too long. Seeing his mistake on his son's FB page meant to me that his image was broken. His mask fell off his face. Up to 400 potential people could have seen it. His evil was broadcast live. That's my satisfaction. I think so much of it for me was "he's getting away with it." And he may get away with it, still, if he can concoct a convincing story. And that is quite possible. But he screwed up. I'm not sorry that I'm happy I saw him screw up. I'm rejoicing. Yee-Haa!!! Down the road I may discover that I'm fooling myself. But I do know that for the first time in over two years, I feel free and light. I feel like myself. I'm looking at my family, my home, my friends and I'm happy this is where I am and NOT with him. I don't need to keep FB viewing, because it happened once.
Oct 18 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
peanutbutterfrogs
peanutbutterfrogs's picture

Stalking, or closure?

I peeked at mine too, but was able to do so in a roundabout way. It did help me to see he was living up to N behaviour. And I did need to verify that as I wasn't completely sure. I thought maybe I was the N, projecting onto him. But I saw enough to know, and yes, I feel free, just worried about the assaults (emotional, he is the stealth kind) that will come.
Oct 19 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
Froglegs
Froglegs's picture

I also looked because I

I also looked because I thought perhaps I was the one projecting. Nope. I've been fighting the urge to look for several days and failed miserably today. I'm glad I did. I'd like to show this little gem from XN's page posted by a woman he befriended right after I moved out (1 month ago). She posted this 5 days ago and since he usually only does check-in status updates, I doubt he's even seen this in order to remove it: "You never know who youre going to meet. Most of whom put on a grand show. Its a shame that it's not real and you realize youre used for the benefit of someones self esteem and whatever flaws in them you accept, they throw you away as if you never existed." He used her up fast and I truly feel sorry for her. What she posted is exactly how I feel. It's enough for me to know I was not projecting. It really is all him. Yes, I do agree that NC includes FB, but I am not ashamed or scared to admit that I feel validated for breaking NC today. Seeing that was another "Aha!" moment and addition to the list of why I should NOT think about ever trying to reconcile. And now I can go back to NC on FB.