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"Family Happiness"

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#1 Nov 22 - 6PM
Susan32
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"Family Happiness"

Early on, the ex-Psych professor spoke of this as one of his favorite stories by Leo Tolstoy. Masha is dissatisfied with her marriage; she flirts with the idea of having an affair. In the end, her husband (some say he "acts like a father and a teacher") lectures Masha on what she wants. He tells her let her go off alone to find what she REALLY wants. He basically tells her to give up her sexual desires/needs, saying he put up with her "charming nonsense." (Somehow Masha and her husband have children) It's very much Madonna/whore. The husband in the story put up with his wife's "charming nonsense" in order to make babies--but now she's supposed to sublimate her sexual desires as a wife and mother. In "Kreutzer Sonata", controversial at the time because its misogynistic leading character who kills his wife is a repressed homosexual, the ex-P agreed with its epilogue where Tolstoy describes sex as "violence and inequality" and that spouses are to live together as siblings. The ex-P, like other cerebral Narcs, saw sex as common and dirty. The ex-P even agreed with Tolstoy's "A Confession" in which Tolstoy said he had a "physically shameful" attraction to other men, and saw women as purely spiritual. (Despite seeing women as "purely spiritual", Tolstoy had no problems with using sex as a weapon with his wife)

A husband telling his wife what her needs and desires are, without taking into account HER feelings, emotions, needs... NOT the recipe for family happiness.

"Family Happiness" is about happiness from a Narc's perspective... it's NOT real happiness (TM)....

Nov 26 - 8PM
Susan32
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Sophia Tolstoy's diaries

This review should speak for ALL of us who have been in relationships with Ns/Ps: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/09/29/AR2010092906781.html The line that spoke to me was "whenever Sofia showed a little spirit or playfulness, Leo considered her 'stupid and irritating'" as well as how she was not allowed to think for herself, her longing for an authentic life. Leo wrote in his diary "there is no such thing as love, but the need for physical intercourse and the practical need for a life companion." The D&D was my saving grace... Sofia Tolstoy lived through Hell.
Nov 23 - 5PM
Susan32
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For Jen79...

Mr. "War and War and War"'s favorite writer. "Family Happiness" with an N... doesn't exist.
Nov 23 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
jen79
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Susan

Yes you are right, family happiness as we know it, doesnt exist with a N. It makes me really feel uneasy and uncomfortable how much your P was obsessed with all these stories. Strangely enough I worked just as you in a toxic Narc enviroment for 6 years which added even more to my trauma with the N. And this psycho chief I had there, its even hard for me to write about it, so sick was he, he was just as your P, he was philosophy student once, and didnt finish, which was always a problem for his ego I guess. But he told the exact same lines like your P...about marriage and so on. His wife was a train wreck, she even got breast cancer while he was chasing a girl at work. And he and his brainwashed wife were totally convinced that everyone, inculding me, is totally in love with him and wants him and that we all want to be with him. I only worked there so long cause I needed the money for my studies and he exploited that big time, he started his devaluation after he realized he couldnt get something out of me, the supply he wanted, since he is really unattractive to me, and I knew he is a bit off from the beginning. Again, I am very happy, you survived war and war...this guy creeps the hell out of me.
Nov 26 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
Susan32
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Living in stories

Flying to Boston, I saw a movie called "The Jone$es" starring David Duchovny and Demi Moore. They star as marketers who pretend to be a married couple. In the end, David tells Demi "Come into the real world." That's what it's like with Ns/Ps.... they DON'T live in the real world. My narc grandmother and my ex-narc boss are far more connected to reality than the ex-Psych professor. That's why they're capable of enjoying things like music, musicals, candies, pastries. The ex-P couldn't. I could talk about music with the ex-Narc boss... at one point we BOTH had gotten Yael Naim's self-titled album (great music, BTW). With the ex-Psych professor, talking about music was impossible. "This guy creeps the hell out of me"-He creeped out his fellow professors, their kids, my classmates, and me... once the mask came off. Or when I was conscious of his mask being off. Little kids confuse reality with fantasy. He couldn't differentiate between fiction and reality. It's cute in a little kid... but terrifying in an adult. The ex-P was obsessed with stories, he even went to The Simpsons for his views. It's as if tearing his beloved books from him, he'd be forced to deal with reality. It would be as if taking "War and Peace" away from him would be like Darth Vader strangling one of his minions saying "Your lack of faith in the Force is disappointing." His obsession was unhealthy. He found a book-centered college. He lived in his books. He had a memory for quotes, like the autistic Dustin Hoffman character in "Rain Man" who's brilliant with math, but is socially inept. Profoundly autistic. "I am very happy you survived war and war"-So am I! I'm grateful I survived alive.
Nov 23 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
Susan32
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Never an original idea...

I ALWAYS gave the ex-P that challenge. To think for himself. I'd tell him- look at Wittgenstein and Tolstoy for inspiration, but think FOR YOURSELF. I might as well have been asking a person on a puree diet to eat a bone-in New York steak, or have a limbless person run the Boston Marathon. The ex-P was incredibly obsessed with those stories... so much so he gave a lecture last year about Tolstoy, Wittgenstein, Schopenhauer, and happiness. The ex-P lecturing about happiness is like Lindsay Lohan lecturing on sobriety, or Bobby Flay lecturing on raw food veganism... It took him 7 years to get his master's degree at the University of Virginia;the normal time to get a master's is 1 to 3 years, depending on the area of study. "Didn't finish, always a problem for his ego"-Yeah, like the Augustine/Wittgenstein book that was supposed to be published back when the class of 2010 were freshman. It never happened... not surprised. The ex-P's father is accomplished;his colleagues are accomplished. One of his colleagues even published a book on Wittgenstein... WTH... LOL... The ex-P never took criticism of his writing well. Having dealt with several editors myself with magazines/newspapers... criticism is one of those Writer's Facts of Life. It is how the sausage is made. Some writers have narcissistic tendencies... look at Tolstoy's literary accomplishments! But the ex-P hasn't amounted to ANYTHING in the past decade...LOL...