This experience and being changed for the better

When it first ended, after some of the initial emotional shock had died down and I could somewhat function again, I tried to just gut through it, put it behind me, carry on with my life as it had been before him. It had been horrible, but I just wanted to forget it and be done with it. That's what you do when relationships end, right? Everyone goes back to their own life. I wasn't married to him, nor did I have children with him. No ties, no loose ends.

I walked away when I could no longer deny what was happening. It was the finally straw, an accumulation of wounds. If he had anything decent in him he would contact me and we would have decent closure. He would redeem some of the ugliness and leave me with some dignity and respect. Nope, nothing. That invalidation by him was both a blessing and a curse. He wasn't stalking and protesting his false love, lying and being manipulative. No, the whole thing just meant nothing. As if it didn't happen. I was left in a desert by myself, without water, to get to safety. On my own. As we all know, it is not easier one way or the other.

But the whole experience keeps haunting me, every day. I can't let go of it. I finally allowed myself to stop resisting thinking about it. I can't just bury it. I know it has changed me. I will NEVER be the same person I was before. But, it has to be for the better. I will not let him win. What is "better"? That, I'm still working on.. For so long I felt so beat up emotionally, so weak. I think I've been licking my wounds for a very long time. It's been humbling, and necessary. Its changed me. I will be a better person because of it.

Jeff's picture

I guess we have to go through all the steps one by one. Like when someone dies. Denial and hope, then anger and despair then finally acceptance. For me the most painful part is getting past the denial phase. Accepting that all that N did was based on ulterior motives, lies, cheap little mind games, selfish needs, with no ability to plan more than two days ahead. No regrets, no real feelings, but some topclass Bafta and Tony Award acting. Really the tops. That hurts the most. To know that he was acting. To see him perform and watch him switch it on and off and realize that the dissonance was there staring me in the face from the start. His words did not match his actions. So he was lying. Full stop. End of discussion. So we were duped. He got something he wanted from us..we know exactly what it was now...maybe it was precisely the thing we never even spoke about at the time but that we knew inside of us all along was the real reason he was with us and holding onto us. We fell in love with a spoiled cunning little seven year old disguised as a man. And I guess it takes a while to come to grips with that fact. I so desperately want to believe that some of it was real, that he actually felt something somewhere along the line. But what did he feel? I think that he felt so many things in such a superficial way that nothing stuck. All slipped off like teflon. Not like real normal people. But if he were standing in front of me right now, I know that he would be so clever in his act that he would totally convince me of whatever it was he wanted to convince me of. And that I would know that something was wrong but just would not be able to deal with it. So lets just try to move ahead. Get it all out. Cry a lot. Get angry a lot. But we have to move forward in our lives too. Keep reaching out for the good in ordinary people. Let these people crowd his image out of our minds. You have suffered way too long Pride, way too long. You have to move forward but to do so you have to purge. Let it out. Cry. That is what Im doing and hoping it is working. Hug Jeff
Pride and Shame's picture

Shit. This is hard. I hope I don't get all cynical and jaded because of this. I need to get over the shame of being had like this. Its really ugly, but has become blinding in its obviousness.
uk lady's picture

That's exactly what happened to me the first time round and I couldn't understand why I felt that way. I didn't feel that bad after my divorce and we had had a son together. So why did this man make me feel worse than that? I was obsessed. We hadn't been married or had children either. I now feel that it was just because of the devaluation and lack of decent closure. I didn't walk away that time, I was D&D and I felt like the living dead for a long time. But he played me like a fiddle and would crop up every few months just when I was bringing myself out of the stupor that my life had become. He loved me again - intermittently and inconsistently. So the unhappy merry go round just kept spinning and I couldn't get off. I remember even using those words throughout that period but didn't know how to make sense of it all. His words were not matching his actions but as we all know, they are such good storytellers and even better liars - not, men of action or any morals. I knew nothing whatsoever about any other women throughout the whole 5 years apart. Why would someone carry on like he was if he was in a relationship? We judge others as we judge ourselves. We got back together about 3.5 years ago after he was diagnosed with cancer. This time round, I had had therapy and things had started to fall into place. I was doing my maths and 2+2 was making 4 and not the usual 5 of yester years and I was detaching unconsciously and so finally ended it but gave him a full explanation in writing so that I would not be distracted from my goal. Not for his benefit but, for mine. Finally I had decent closure. Like you, I am determined to turn my experience with this vampire into something positive and learn more about myself. Yes, I was used when all along I thought he had at least loved me and, the shock of finally realising that will make me stronger to prove that I am a better person than him. At least I have emotions and don't just show/use them for my sole gain. He always told me I was special (probably the "special" supply in his mind because he always came back to him) but I will make him eat his words and prove that I am so much worthier of better than him. Who wouldn't be? At least I have the option to a P-free life. He has to live with himself forever. Couldn't be happier for him ;) Dee x