When it first ended, after some of the initial emotional shock had died down and I could somewhat function again, I tried to just gut through it, put it behind me, carry on with my life as it had been before him. It had been horrible, but I just wanted to forget it and be done with it. That's what you do when relationships end, right? Everyone goes back to their own life. I wasn't married to him, nor did I have children with him. No ties, no loose ends.
I walked away when I could no longer deny what was happening. It was the finally straw, an accumulation of wounds. If he had anything decent in him he would contact me and we would have decent closure. He would redeem some of the ugliness and leave me with some dignity and respect. Nope, nothing. That invalidation by him was both a blessing and a curse. He wasn't stalking and protesting his false love, lying and being manipulative. No, the whole thing just meant nothing. As if it didn't happen. I was left in a desert by myself, without water, to get to safety. On my own. As we all know, it is not easier one way or the other.
But the whole experience keeps haunting me, every day. I can't let go of it. I finally allowed myself to stop resisting thinking about it. I can't just bury it. I know it has changed me. I will NEVER be the same person I was before. But, it has to be for the better. I will not let him win. What is "better"? That, I'm still working on.. For so long I felt so beat up emotionally, so weak. I think I've been licking my wounds for a very long time. It's been humbling, and necessary. Its changed me. I will be a better person because of it.