An excerpt from "Smart Women Foolish Choices"

That is so profound. We forget that we are active participants and become pure victims. We forget we are powerful beings with ownership of our lives. I tell you what, that's exactly what it feels like! Total loss of power, just keeping your head down so you can get through another day. It feels like the N "owns" us, has us hostage. They really don't, it's not possible. It just feels like it, but that's really all that matters when you're feeling it :( I'm pretty much on the other side of this, I've been in that wretchedly miserable "newbie" stage. I wasn't near as brave as most of you here who dare to reach for help while still 'in". I was too ashamed and stubborn and my relationship was "unique" lol. What it looks like to me, as a person who has reclaimed a lot of her ownership and power is that a shift in your thinking and attitude needs to happen. Realizing the TRUTH. The victimhood is the lie. It is a reality at the time, but it is not TRUE. It is a lie that happens, though. When you have a Narc that close to you, influencing you, it looks absolutely true. But that's just when you are around the Narc. And still "believing" the Narc's bullshit even when he/she is not there, they are in your head like a parasite. How to get them out? No contact and time and persistence. Falling down on your face and getting back up anyway. Therapy, and being on here as often as you need :) The Narc bullshit is a disease, and if you take measures, your mind and body will rid itself of the disease, like it does when you get a real infection. You reinfect yourself with contact or focussing on them. The addiction metaphor is perfect too. If you "relapse" you set yourself back days or weeks, so preventing a relapse, resisting the relapse in whatever way you have to is what you have to do. There IS life after what feels like complete destruction by a narc or psychopath. It isn't the same life. You may be like me, and never financially recover what I lost, or you may have lost a child's heart, or a career even. These are realities. But the human spirit is not defeated by these things. That's where your power is. It's there no matter what he did to you, for how long or how bad. Finding your spirit again is what WILL happen if you keep putting one foot in front of the other. Yeah I know I go on and on :P but this is so close to my heart, I just want to shout it sometimes :)

"A man may leave, but he can't take a woman with him. She and she alone is the owner of her personal worth and essence. No one, not the most clever or most dark-hearted of men, can steal that. It can only be given away" thanks for sharing:)

I love it!!! and so true!! Thank u for reminding me!!

Wow, I love this: "A man may leave, but he can't take a woman with him. She and she alone is the owner of her personal worth and essence. No one, not the most clever or most dark-hearted of men, can steal that. It can only be given away." "I am in control of my mind, my actions, and my future. And so are you." So true! Thanks for sharing your invaluable insight!

This is a very important message for all of us chicks on this site to remember!!

Excellent passage and absolutely crucial if we are to move on in a healthy way! Thanks for sharing that, i wholeheartedly agree and do not plan on giving it away in the future :-)

I love this , i have to still remind myself that i was half of a relationship , although ,when he wanted ,he made out i was the whole relationship and he just an inocent by stander . i take away with me the fact that i did love and i did give and i can give . wow that is a gift .You know i have learnt i can give even if it hurts me , Im not a bible person but if there is a god i recon he would be pleased with me , people say you can have too much empathy and in this hard world thats a bad thing , you will be taken advantage of ....bollocks to that .. im proud of my empathy and if i have too much thats a good thing . I was thinking today about times when i had to tell my narc how to react to things that required the right responce , like i would a child i talked him through the event and found i had to expane how this person would feel and that person would feel and the out come would be this and youre respone should be this ... and it dawned on me that he had no concept of emotion , i had to teach him how to "act" like he empathised . I remember seeing in his face a look of being reminded , simalar to someone who just asked directions to somewhere and they just twigged they knew already "oh yes i remember , shhhh shhh i remember " He knew the look and the words of the emotional responce but never knew the sentement behind it .... so creepy ...sorry i went off on a tangent then , excellent passage ninja...Big Love xx