Ex trying to come back. Need your advice, please.

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#1 Sep 27 - 3PM

janine

Ex trying to come back. Need your advice, please.

I returned from my holiday from where I used to live feeling a bit more relaxed, though parting with my old friends again and facing life without the ones here (because they are that man's friends, too)made me sad. Plus I still suffer from sensual withdrawal after more than 11 years with my ex. I had to go to two funerals before I'd left, one with the ex. Coming home I found a note that my cousin died. I have had quite a bit to cope with this year, but I managed.
So after two bad days I recovered a bit and coming home tonight, what should I find? Number of my ex on my phone, twice. I had left him 2 months ago and had done so in a what I'd imagined clever way, phasing him out slowly, being cool, slightly indifferent. No rows, explanations. After a while he got the message and gave up. Fine. I realized he would probably contact me one day (aren't they boomerangs?)and had decided to play it as cool as I had done so far. Only now, after all that happened, even talking to him seems too much. Does anyone have any idea how to get rid of him for good? Do I pull myself together, chat a bit implying casually I have someone else? Do I tell him firmly I want no more contact and hang up? Do I just not pick up the phone seeing his number, till he gets the message? I have changed my email and mobile but cannot change this one because of my clients.

#2 Sep 28 - 9AM

janine

Strictly no contact

Many thanks to you kind experienced ladies. I shall listen to your advice and have just read up on Scoop's hover attempt. It is incredible how what Briseis says is correct while mad, that they will want you no matter what. Had I not left he'd have been around forever and ever. In fact he'd mention occasionally, what we'd be doing together when old. Never mind that I am married (sexless marriage)and have my own life! So, I'll let him dream on, will not answer the phone when I see his number and hope, he'll find enough supply to forget about calling me.

#3 Sep 27 - 4PM

Briseis

There's probably nothing you

There's probably nothing you could do or say that would make him leave you alone for good. Well, nothing LEGAL, or moral. The only thing that works is silence. Passive silence (not returning phone calls, not picking up phone calls, not responding to emails/texts whatevers) and active silence (shutting the door in his face and calling the police to get this guy off your front porch) are very effective means of telling him exactly how you feel. The reason trying to play his game with him doesn't work is that they play a deeper game, one that we normal folks won't stoop to playing. They do not "get the picture" with normal cues and "hints". They really don't care if you want him back or not, he wants YOU back, and he'll take you back happy or unhappy, just so he gets you back. So not picking up the phone, not responding to him in any way is the most effective. It may take a very long time for him to stop trying, but if he's never successful at getting you to respond, he'll eventually give up. Some are more persistent than others. We call this NO CONTACT, around here :) If you are willing to do it, it's very powerful, it's a shortcut back to sanity.

#4 Sep 27 - 4PM

Scoop

Definatly dont talk to him ,

Definatly dont talk to him , theses narcs veiw any contact as supply and a reason to engage you in conversation which is the last thing you want whilst you are still deprograming from the abuse and brainwashing .So i would say no email no explanations just ingnore him compleatly , this is no contact . I made the mistake of entering to conversation with my narc when he tryed to hover me last month to tell him to go away , i have only just returned to normal sooo not worth it . xx

#5 Sep 27 - 10PM (Reply to #5)

iAmMINE

horraaayyy 4 Scoop & Briseis!!

Scoop & Briseis say it best: "theses narcs veiw any contact as supply and a reason to engage you in conversation which is the last thing you want whilst you are still deprograming from the abuse and brainwashing" ~~ & ~~ "The only thing that works is silence. Passive silence (not returning phone calls, not picking up phone calls, not responding to emails/texts whatevers) and active silence (shutting the door in his face and calling the police to get this guy off your front porch) are very effective means of telling him exactly how you feel...". They do you know... "view ANY contact as supply..." And for as much misery as my 'N' provided to me?... I shall repay & provide that much more to him through NC... til my last breath ~~ ;) Stay strong for YOU. (((((janine))))) ~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~ ~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them, --she said, (taken from my final remarks in a Sync Weekly Magazine article about my art and mySelf

~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~

~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.

#6 Sep 27 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

Meadowbrook

Scoop

I was glad to read your comment because my exN emailed me today. I told him 2 weeks ago that I know all about the OW and his lies and thought that would be the end of it. I saw the message in my inbox and thought, "surely this is his apology". Not that I would believe any apology - I KNOW it would have been insincere. I just thought he would try to apologize just to make nice and keep me in his orbit. But it was such a lame message. He actually said, "I'm sure I have not been a good influence on your life." Wow, that's the understatement of the year. lol I am SO tempted to shoot off the letter that I have written him - you know, the one you write but are never supposed to send? But in reading your post it reminds me any contact is supply. It's hard because it does seem like he literally doesn't GET IT. It's like he doesn't want to be mean but he just doesn't understand what he has done to hurt people. Thus, my temptation to set him straight! Sounds like you tried something similar and it ended up being a bad move.

#7 Sep 27 - 3PM

MovinOnUp

It doesn't sound like you

It doesn't sound like you can take hearing the sound of his voice right now. And I'm going to assume he left you no messages -- just his number on your caller ID. I guess you have two choices. Just ignore him. Or you could shoot him an e-mail, tell him you've moved on and would prefer no more contact. If he responds to that e-mail, you delete it without reading. And you're done. I would not pick up the phone, you've had some rough times and might melt at the sound of his voice. Good Luck. I'm really sorry you've had so much dismal news. When it rains, it does seem to pour.

#8 Sep 27 - 9PM (Reply to #2)

almostlydia

No response. Mine always

No response. Mine always got to me when I was emotionally drained by tragedies. He knew exactly how and I was not strong enough to deal. Save yourself the additional heartache. so sorry for all your losses. It does seem that they only come along in time to add salt to terrible times while pretending to care. Ignore and give yourself time to recoup. almostlydia

almostlydia

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