ex partner has dropped the mask

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#1 Jun 18 - 6PM
wiserwoman
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ex partner has dropped the mask

Ok, my ex NH (been separated for 11 months, 3 children,married 11 years), has been going to an Anger Management class for 7 months and has been getting counselling from a man/mentor who used to be very abusive/manipulative.
Yesterday we had a 2.5 hr talk on the phone (after he had an explosion the day before) in which he apologised for the explosion, took full responsibility for it, explained that he had other business stress in his life yesterday and that it was unfair for him to take it out on me.

He then went on to say that over the past 7 months he's become more and more aware of how FAKE he has been his whole life (referred to it as masking) and how his inauthenticity has led to his abuse of me (on so many levels). He said he finally realised how hard it must have been for me to try to deal with someone who has basically been dishonest about everything. He said that sometimes he was intentionally dishonest and sometimes he was really only lying to himself. He admitted that he felt insecure and inadequate ALL the time socially and that he relied on me to make him any sort of success in life.

He told me that he felt he had manipulated me into marrying him and that once he had, he left all the responsibilities of parenting/running a household to me and made sure that his life stayed the same. He said that he has been immature, irresponsible and untrustworthy. He realised that he had lost my trust a long time ago and for very good reasons. {He used to tell me that I had 'issues' with men and trust - it had nothing to do with him.}
He said that he is only finally starting to listen to his emotions, but that the over-riding emotion he's had for the past 25 years is FEAR. He still doesn't understand why he feels scared all the time, but he's trying to examine his childhood to figure it out. He says it's partly because he doesn't feel able to survive as an adult in society on his own.

I told him that I was glad, but also very surprised to hear him say these things and that it must be hard for him to admit to them. He said, "yes, but he's sick of pretending to me and himself that he's fine all the time."

We finished our conversation by saying that we have SO many issues/past grievances in our relationship that it would be stupid to pursue anything right now, but that we will keep trying to be 100% honest to each other. He is going to continue to the next phase of the men's group - which focuses on communication. He thinks (and me) that we should just be 'careful' with each other and see if we really are compatible or will just try to be 'friends' for the children's sake.
My 'stipulations' were that: 1)He prove to me/and himself that he can run his business/life without intervention from me/his parents. In other words, live his life doing all the 'mundane' things that a normal adult has to do.
2) That he give me a full 'confessional'.
3) And that I'm going to keep living on my own as long as I want. (not that he can make me move or anything, but he needs to know that I'm not making ANY major changes in a hurry.
4) I told him I would not be getting back with him anytime soon (if Ever!), that because I'm very happy on my own (and I am!) the only reason I would be in a relationship with anyone would be because they are my equal as an adult and would ENHANCE my life.

So girls, especially you ones with all the experience. What do you think? I know everyone is pretty cynical on this website, but is it possible for a Narcissist, with the proper guidance and motivation, to change into a Normal Person??
To me, this sounds like a Narcissist who is tired of being a narcissist. He's not putting pressure on me to do anything (and for those of you who read my other post about him writing a letter - He IS ACTUALLY sending me the reply today! I told him to reflect on our relationship and how his behaviour impacted on it and me and the effects his abuse had)
I am skeptical of course, and I realise that the TRUE indication of change will be in the ACTIONS/BEHAVIOUR, but it's a good start, n'est-ce pas?

Jun 19 - 4PM
jackguy
jackguy's picture

Does he have NPD or just narcissistic traits?

I don't have a lot of experience with this so I may be wrong about this but I think there is a significant difference between someone with a full-blown personality disorder and an individual who just has narcissistic traits. I personally believe that an individual just with narc traits might possibly be able to change through psychodynamic psychotherapy (not just CBT) How deranged was his behaviour previously? Did he repeatedly appear to have zero empathy? I think in my case the repeated displays of zero empathy and the mentality of an entitlement to abuse are the things that convince me most that my exgf has npd and not just narcissistic traits. You would really have to discuss your partner's behaviour in depth with someone to get a clear answer to your question. I may be leading you astray though just because my ex is so obvious in the way she manifests her narcissism... superficial charm, intense arrogance, feeling she has a right to abuse, zero remorse, extreme aggression, discarding, exploitativeness, fixation with money etc...
Jun 19 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
girlsinger
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jackguy

Hi very well said be blessed K
Jun 19 - 3PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I agree

with Hunter, It all sounds good but ultimately, Actions speak louder than words. Wishing you well, Ruby
Jun 19 - 3PM
girlsinger
girlsinger's picture

MM

Hi Ok follow the pendulum you are getting s l e e p y hypnosis listen precious Narc's dont do STIPULATIONS RULES AGREEMENTS... they do CONTROL!!! just my 02 cents be blessed k
Jun 19 - 3PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

This thing Narcissism...NPD

Is in them like blood in their veins...it will take more than a few months if ever to be cured. He's learned the talk, he's learned to emulate, and he may WANT to change but it ain't gonna happen. These guys are INCURABLE...psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, mental health professionals from all walks of life have stated THERE IS NO HOPE...they've even found physical evidence of some damage to the brains of these individuals...short of a lobotomy which is controversial...not happening! MOREOVER he's taken Anger Managmeent from a prior ABUSER who more than likely had some issues himself - probably learned how to manipulate even better. I've seen this play out in 12 Step programs time and time again. Are there some who do change? YES those addicts who don't have incurable personality disorders BUT otherwise, they learn the slogans, the chants and how to "ACT" like better people but it's the same 'ish' Please understand what Narcissism is...I know how much we want to hope that things can change and how painful it is...but this ain't gonna change...may be delayed for a while but it's in them like their BLOOD it ain't going NOWHERE. The only one I can think of who might state othrwise is that woman who claims to have made it work with her husband. FOR a fee, she can sell you a dream but othrwise, you want LIFE, you want FREEDOM, Peace of mind, Happiness...do the work, heal and detach. Go watch I psychopath on You Tube and decide for yourself if this is what you want to sign up for...while not all narcs are psychopaths YET according to the DSM...very possible they will be labeled as such...might as well have a head start on your education. Hugs!
Jun 19 - 3PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Personally I think it's just

Personally I think it's just another way to manipulate, they are Masters. The experts say they can't change, has A miracle happened? I suppose anything is possible. Let actions speak not words! Hunter