Ex Narc and his new girlfriend

Hi Everyone,

So, I'm sure I'm not the first to have this particular problem, but I'm having trouble working through it. The thing is, my ex and I broke up 3 years ago, and though he tried to get back with me, it was always short lived. A day or two after making sure I was hooked again, he would discard me. I began to feel like it was a game to him, to be honest, and I had the strength to break it off completely after a few months of that (and therapy, and outraged friends who wanted to kill him).

And I felt pretty good about that decision, and I even met and am with an awesome guy who treats me better than I've ever been treated. We live together and life is moving along as I had always wanted in a normal, healthy relationship.

The thing is, I guess about a year and a half ago, my ex met another girl. This information slowly made it's way to me, because I had unfriended him on FB, and hid most of our mutual contacts so I wouldn't know anything about him, but I had had a really close friendship with his sister and friends and I kept in contact with them. I say close relationship, though of course when my ex was at his worst behavior with me they always took his side or diminished what he was doing because they just couldn't believe such a great guy would act like that....

Anyway, my ex clearly met and fell for a new girl. Even though he had always told me when we were together that he was attracted to older, heavier women (yes, he told me that, as well as telling me that he didn't believe in monogamy, but I had to wait and see what he would do because he also wanted to be with me, or that he wanted to be with me but couldn't promise me he wouldn't meet and fall for someone else in the future), this girl is younger, thin, pretty, etc. And immediately after starting their relationship, the little news that made its way to me was always, "wow, he's completely changed!", "He is so happy now! Really, he's totally different," "This is the girl for him, he's finally ready to settle down", "It's just that you two were too different, you had too many conflicts. This girl accepts him how he is," etc. I was stunned. I thought after gaining his freedom he would run around and live the bachelor life he had always told me he envied.

And, a big confession....he had authorized me on one of bis bank accounts, and even though I had told him 1000 times during our divorce process to unauthorize me, he never did. I had forgotten about this, though, as I never used the account anyway. Not long ago I downloaded the bank's app and saw two bank accounts under my name. Not understanding the second one, I opened it up and saw that it was his, and that I could see all of his transactions. I had a moment of curiosity and saw that there were tons of purchases for flowers, jewelry, clothes from girls' clothing stores, expensive dinners, etc. Things he would NEVER do for me. Even when we got married, he refused to buy me a ring because he said that represented "ownership" and I didn't own him. He even refused to MAKE me a bracelet, which I had suggested as an alternative. And presents? He would buy cheap plane tickets (I mean like 25-50 Euros--I should mention we live in Spain, but I'm American), and I would have to pay for the rest of the trip.

All of this kind of sent me into a tailspin. The thing is, I honestly was so sure he was a Narc. He abused me verbally and emotionally almost every day for 4 years, though of course it was interspersed with extreme make ups and declarations of love and change every time I thought we had hit rock bottom. My relationship with him brought me to my knees and to therapy, and I almost had a nervous breakdown. I started drinking, a lot. Even after he started physically abusing me (he had started slapping me, and the last straw was when he was throwing things at me, hit me with his shoes, sprayed water at me and finally slapped me in the face all because I was crying and asking him not to leave), he never admitted to it, or apologized, nothing. I had left him after that incident, and though he wanted to get back together it was under the condition we would NEVER talk about what had happened. When I finally forced the topic, he told me I had left him no other choice but to treat me like that, how else could he deal with my hysterics?

And then there were the other girls. The flirty messages from girls from work, not introducing me or inviting me out with certain groups of friends, inviting me and then uninviting me the day of his coworkers wedding because he found out the girls he worked with weren't inviting their boyfriends, the cheating, the porn addiction, the messages from random girls on his phone. It turned me into a jealous, raving lunatic. He told me I was sick, that I had mental issues, that my jealousy was forcing him to cheat, all the while never admitting what he had done and or was doing. I had started the relationship a trusting, normal girl but with his constant comments about monogamy, hot women, sex, porn, and finally the shady actions like going out all night, lying about where he was going, etc, I did devolve into a very untrusting person. With my current boyfriend, however, I have NO jealousy issues whatsoever, which makes me question, was it me or was it his doing?

All of this is to frame the fact that, the thought that now he has changed and is finally the nice, caring, loving boyfriend I begged him to even try to be breaks my heart. When we were together he had started meditating, which he constantly used against me to prove that he was more "spiritual" and "mentally healthy" than me, and I guess he went to therapy for a few months after I left him. I also know he is training to be a Gestalt Therapist. He studied Psychology at University, and while he cheated his way through, he would constantly use psycho babel to psychologically abuse me. He would hit me and then when I would try to talk to him about things he would tell me I "was under no circumstances to talk about him, I could only talk about myself and my role in what was happening", etc. It was crazy making for me, because no matter what he did, or how he hurt me, I wasn't allowed to say he had done anything wrong. And I understand that I had to take responsibility for my part in everything (I realize now even just putting up with that was my fault, not his), it felt so controlling and suffocating and in the end it drove me crazy, to never ever be able to call him out on his shit.

There are so so so many other instances of abuse, disappearances, cycles of pushing me to the edge of mental breakdown only to literally laugh about it and tell me I was being "silly" (I could actually SEE the pleasure he got from driving me to the brink of mental breakdown), but I won't go into it here.

Anyway, so now here he is, this magically changed, wonderful, loving, generous boyfriend to a thin, young, happy girl--which is what I was when I had met him. I get to see photos on Instagram that his sister posts, and there she is at all the family dinners I used to be such an integral part of, and there he is with his arm around her, kissing her head, etc. I get to see him looking as if none of what he did to me was even real, and this girl clearly is so amazing that he would never repeat those actions with her.

Can someone who was so fundamentally abusive and narcissistic change? I had always said, the final straw for me was the fact that he couldn't even apologize for physical abuse, and in fact that he had made it out to be my fault. Sadly, that for me proved his abusive tendencies more than all of the emotional and verbal abuse because it was so clear. But can that change? Why is he being this completely different person with her? Is it true that I pushed him to do all of those things to me?

It may seem stupid, since I am in a new relationship with a wonderful man, but I guess I have to admit to myself that my wounds are still there, and, sadly, I was so attracted to my ex, for me he was the most handsome, charismatic guy I had ever met, and I guess I had felt like it was an honor for him to even be with me. Everyone would comment on what a handsome boyfriend then husband I had, etc, how unique, how interesting, etc. My current boyfriend is the absolute most stable, healthy, kind, honest, genuine, loving and patient person I have ever met, but I guess that attraction I had to my ex still has some pull on me, it kills me to see him with someone else.....which is so pathetic to admit, I know.

I just need some help working through this if anyone has some insight or advice. I'm just questioning everything, maybe he wasn't a Narc to begin with if he has now so radically changed? Or she is just that wonderful that he would never dare treat her as he did me?

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.