Evidently my attitude sucks and I have a short fuse! Anybody else?

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#1 Aug 24 - 5PM
sara-smile
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Evidently my attitude sucks and I have a short fuse! Anybody else?

My friends, my kids and family keep telling me I'm hateful, my attitude sucks most days and I have a short fuse. Has anybody else had their friends and family tell them this during the healing process??

Ok yes, I am a little irritated and my fuse is short BUT I just don't have the patience for stupidity anymore. Mean people, stupid people and selfish people drive me insane and I don't mind telling them what I think. Nobody understands why I'm not the doormat they use to know!!! I think it's a good thing! I guess I could work on how I deliver the message but I honestly don't care at this point. Not today....maybe tomorrow.

I refuse to let anybody treat me like the Narc did. I won't be talked down to, yelled at, lied to, taken advantage of or any of the other crap he did! I guess my family and friends shouldn't suffer because of him but right now I just can't help it!! I don't want to be a bitch but I think that is better than a doormat! Maybe I'm taking it too far. Honestly it is a REACTION and not something I think about most times. When I come across mean and hateful it's not because I try.....it's a natural reaction. It's almost like a defense mechanism.

Anybody else going through this?? How did you deal with it?

He has changed my personality. Bastard.

Aug 29 - 8AM
dabussard
dabussard's picture

Yes

Yes, I am a hateful, cold hearted b*&^ch... I have a wall so high that no one, i mean no one will ever get in... I hope that it is just the anger past of the healing that I am in and that I will get better.. I used to be laid back and really easy going... This whole thing with the N has definitely made my defences go up... I am not proud of the change... Hope I find a happy medium evidentually...
Aug 29 - 5AM
Kitty02 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

House cleaning

After narc #2 I thought enough is enough!! Life has been hard enough at times without having people treat me badly. I have done loads of healing work and have grown considerably, I feel happy, content and optimistic but one of the thing I have learned on this journey is what my boundaries are again, what I won't put up with. I have done a house clean and will continue to do so through my life if the people in it don't treat me with love/care/respect...I'd rather potter about alone then put up with being treated wrongly as it just eats away at your self~esteem and peace of mind. I don't take it personally if people don't behave accordingly on a regular basis as I have built up my self esteem again and I know that they treat everybody this way, it's not about me, but I chose to walk away. Everyone keeps saying I am always so happy and positive lately..lol... how come??? ...well....Life didn't promise to be wonderful...I live every day to its fullest extent and I don't sweat the small stuff and I keep away from people who disrespect me...three strikes and your out(one strike if it's bad enough)...lol. The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter and I really don't feel bitter. I am actually grateful (in my situation) to narc #2 for making me take stock and sort my life/head out.
Aug 28 - 11PM
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

I was angry and bitter for the last few years!

Once I kicked the N out, friends and family saw a huge difference in my attitude and demeanor. I'm lighter, less stressed, just happier in general. I was alone in my suffering with this N. I pushed everyone good from my life. And I'm house cleaning all the negative people out. Sounds like that's what you're doing! Great job!
Aug 28 - 7PM
juliamarie
juliamarie's picture

Yep!

I think anger is such an integral part of the healing process. I've had to tell my friends and family that I'm sorry if I seem edgy and annoyed a lot of the time, but it's where I am right now. Most people have understood once I explained how angry I am and why. I kept a lot of my relationship a secret from the outside world. Hell, if I admitted to my support system I was miserable, I would have to admit it to myself! You spend so much time being angry in the relationship and thinking everything is your fault....then you realize that it actually WASN'T your fault, and you get even more angry. Plus, you have to deal with the fact that you were involved in a relationship that was a total illusion. That's enough to piss anyone off. Try to be gentle with yourself and understand that what you are going through is very normal and is part of what is going to get you to a place where you feel peaceful again. I was just glad to be out of the hysterical crying phase. Now I just dream of burning his house down. Just a dream...but again, I'm in the anger phase :) Hugs!!
Aug 28 - 4PM
Miss Lewis
Miss Lewis's picture

Sara-Smile, you are sooo not alone in feeling this!

I am constantly on edge; I am fighting an inner battle that no-one else can relate too. They suck all of our life force energy, than leave is in total destruction, while we try top heal and move on. Pick up the pieces of our lives ,trying to make sense of it all while running on empty. Healing is just as emotionally exhausting as being with them. The difference is, while we healing, we know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just had an experience with an energy healer/intuitive/therapist, she read my energy, told me that I was suffering severe PSTD and I was THIS CLOSE to experiencing a nervous breakdown because of what this man (“IT”) put me through. No wonder why we are on edge?!!!! She explained that I did not have to speak because my body and mind were screaming!!!! Sometimes people ask me how I am doing and I want to scream at them, “Do youREALLY want to know the Truth??!!”. Of course, I don’t act on it, but we are carrying all of this extra baggage/toxin’s in our system. For the most part, with the exception of our therapist and this forum, we are doing this alone. We are walking through life, going through the motions, going to work every day and “Functioning”. Meanwhile, on the inside, we feel like exploding! I am glad to know that this is a normal part of the healing journey, aswell. I am also super relieved to know that it is only temporary! I am also very tempted to run off with you and Hunter to join the monks; take me with you!!!!
Aug 25 - 5AM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

me too Ive learned that all

me too Ive learned that all that rage and frustration has to go somewhere. He drove me to such depths of despair and i took it out on others. im sure. Im changing. Im becoming better again.
Aug 25 - 5AM
Wallace
Wallace's picture

Anger

Yip, also had the anger issues and short fuse but I was more irritable on a regular basis when I was with the narc. Now I just have an angry day every now and then but it is subsiding. But I do notice that if I have and contact then I have nightmares or anxiety dreams for a few nights afterwards. Not as bad as the constant nightmares I used to have while married to him. All part and parcel of PTSD methinx. It'll get better with time, therapy and healing. x
Aug 24 - 10PM
MandyM
MandyM's picture

I've only recently come into

I've only recently come into my anger, after seeing my ex for the first time in over a year. My first inkling that something was off with me was a couple days after seeing him, when my parents proudly told me that they were going to help financially with something they'd days before said they weren't able to afford. I got so IRRITATED with them - I was mad because they'd initially said they couldn't, and I said okay and accepted that I'd have to do without, and now they'd changed their minds after I'd already gone ahead with a contingency plan, and it felt just like it did when my ex would constantly change his mind about things he'd promised me and I was always kept off-balance. Fortunately I had the wherewithal in the midst of it to realize that I was angry at the wrong source, that it was my ex I was actually mad at, that it wasn't my parents' fault, that they were actually doing something NICE for me and they were so excited to surprise me with it. But it didn't change the feelings. I was still annoyed, even though I understood that I shouldn't be. My anger kicked in full force last night upon finding out that my ex and his floozy are now officially a couple. I'm hoping that recognizing where it's coming from will help me keep it focused where it belongs and not spew over to affect people who have nothing whatsoever to do with it.
Aug 24 - 9PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Sara

Haha, no wonder we get along, my husband tells me I have anger issues too,,, It's has to dowith not taking shit from anyone! I agree , maybe we need to choose are words wisely. "Fuck You" isn't always appropriate Hunter
Aug 24 - 9PM (Reply to #21)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Hunter

Fuck you isn't always appropriate?? Really! No wonder people think I'm hostile! Baaaa haaaaaaaaa!!! Wanna go live with the Monks? It will be quiet there!
Aug 24 - 9PM (Reply to #22)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Then we will really be

Then we will really be popping crazy pills!! I hear they train Dogs too, "Monks of Newskeet" no more dog whisperers!, Hunter
Aug 24 - 9PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Yes...I went through it for

Yes...I went through it for about a month. And it subsided. It will pass. The extreme anger you have right now...and the defensive way you deal with others...it's very natural. The good news is that you won't take crap from anyone anymore...and that IS a good byproduct. I told my sister off back in May...do you remember that thread I started? Well we didn't speak. Then, recently, she sent me an apology note. I couldn't believe it. I wasn't expecting it. So, the relationship with the narc helped me to stand up to someone who has hurt me for many years. (long story won't bore you with the details) But, suffice to say. People in your life whether family or friends...they need to know--you deserve respect. But, the way you come across WILL CHANGE EVENTUALLY. You won't always be so ...what's the word...defensive...or ready to pounce. I was like this last month. I feel those feelings subsiding, yet, I'm cognizant of my own desires and wants now. And we know this, sara. No one will ever treat us badly again, without our permission. Don't give them your permission. You're doing great.
Aug 24 - 9PM (Reply to #16)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Deidre

Thank you Deidre! This is what makes this site so great. When I think it's just me I get on here and post and realize it is just another phase or side effect of being Narc'd! I am glad I won't let people walk all over me again. I really don't need to be so hostile! I'm so thankful to hear it will pass. It really is exhausting being ready to pounce all the time! Thanks again! Sara
Aug 24 - 9PM (Reply to #17)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

you could just go kick your

you could just go kick your ex's ass. lol :=P I'd feel better, anyways. lol!! No seriously. I get it. It IS all part and parcel of the ''process'' of letting go. You'll be back to your old self soon enough...but, not the old self that took shit off people. A new and improved old self. :=)
Aug 24 - 9PM (Reply to #18)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Don't tempt me!! LOL

There is nothing in the world I'd enjoy more than kicking his ASS!
Aug 24 - 10PM (Reply to #19)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

and then he can kiss yours.

and then he can kiss yours. lmao! :=P if only...well, we can dream. ;) on another note...dammit...i want to change my avatar, and i can't for some reason. i do need a monk retreat. lol
Aug 24 - 9PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Short fuse

I was in a Narc workplace for 5 years (I was with the ex-Psych prof for 4 years)... a grand total of 9 years with Ns, but at least I wasn't enamored of my former Narc boss because he was openly gay&had a boyfriend. Being in a Narc workplace for 5 years (plus being with the ex-P for 4) did lead to PTSD. The anxiousness, the paranoia. When I started at my new (and current) job 3 years ago,I'd be very defensive. I'd also look at the work calendar, very anxious whether I'd be on for the following week. I'd freak out easily. Having a Narc boss for 5 years can be very wearing. I dealt with him for 8 hours a day... whereas I think with the ex-P it maybe amounted only 2 hours (at the most) and only on weekdays(!!!) I wasn't emotionally attached to the Narc boss, thank goodness, but it did change my attitude (for the worse) and yes, I had a short fuse. Now I recognize it as C-PTSD. My former Narc boss had me conditioned to be afraid of asking for vacation time... there were some complications at my current job, but my boss told me NOT TO WORRY, and it was taken care of. If my Narc boss had dealt with the same situation, it would've been high drama. When I recently fell at work, I was treated very well&the manager took me to the ER. It was done very professionally&compassionately. I doubt the same would've happened at the Narc workplace. When I came down with food poisoning at the Narc workplace, one of my coworkers taunted me because of it! She thought my illness was funny. She also thought that when I dealt with a stalker (very triggering for me) that it was immensely hilarious. She'd brag about how she made me work double shifts for her. She knew I wouldn't say NO to her if she called in tears. A Narc workplace can be as traumatic as a Narc relationship.
Aug 24 - 9PM (Reply to #14)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Susan

My Narc is at my workplace! I don't have to deal with him much thank the Lord or I think I would be crazy! He's always lurking around so I have to see his stupid face a lot but other than that it's OK.
Aug 24 - 7PM
megamillion
megamillion's picture

C-PTSD?

Does anyone have any thoughts about this (anger/short fuse) being related to C-PTSD? I've experienced this same thing (and often with my mother, with whom I'm living as I'm sorting myself out again) along with the spectrum of emotions associated with the D&D, CD and path of recovery - BUT - in making an account of my experience, I also noticed that I had massive, rolling rage under the surface that very negatively affected my interactions with my family and exN when we tried to reconcile (from November to April - anger emerged from February through April). That period of time was horrible and desperate and I can see the emotions in e-mails I wrote, journaling I was doing and other things like chats on gchat and skype (because the relationship with exN was long distance at this point). Of course, part of this situation was 'going to the source' and trying to get relief from what I was feeling from exN - who I now see was mostly if not entirely responsible for these feelings. Ha. I can only imagine how powerful this must have made her feel. She even had the audacity to 'praise me' for trying to make an account of and work through my 'triggers' (when I was writing down the things she did that set me off, made me feel angry, anxious, sad, jealous, etc - and then talking myself out of these feelings). Those feelings were my INTUITION telling me that she was starting the devalue, withdrawing, and generally being a total Narchole. I'd thought that I was suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder because the anxiety, fear, incessant 'craziness' in my head (according to exN). I was trying different strategies to calm and deal with this anxiety because I could not afford therapy... which, ironically, might have pointed to all these issues being related to THE NARC and her crazy-making behaviors. May I ask if anyone's therapist has discussed C-PTSD and/or these kinds of flare-ups of anger or 'miserable' feelings that affect interactions with others/family during the healing (once you've gone NC)? Wishing everyone CALM and peace without Narcs! xxx Mega
Aug 24 - 9PM (Reply to #12)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Mega

I'm going to talk to my therapist about this. It probably is from the PTSD. That makes perfect sense. All I want to do most days is to be left alone. I don't like being around but just a few friends and I can't handle them for long periods of time. I'll let you know what my therapist thinks about the anger, short fuse and irritation flare-ups and PTSD. Thanks! Sara
Aug 24 - 9PM (Reply to #10)
StudentOfLife
StudentOfLife's picture

Hypervigilance maybe

My therapist has used a term, "Hypervigilance", i think it means an exaggerated or overstated reaction to something. In our case i guess it would be anything that triggers us, or feels the same as something that the narc had done to hurt us.... i.e., you feel like maybe your being taken for granted a little by a loved one, but this "triggers" an emotional response in an exacggerated way b/c it makes us think/feel everything we felt when the narc would pull his crap in a similar situation. (i hope i am explaining this correctly.... ) Hypervigilance is a part of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, i do know that.
Aug 24 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

student of life

I'm going to do some reading on Hyper-vigilance. I don't know that I've read anything about that but it does make sense! When I get mad and snap at somebody it is because they have done something or said something that reminded me of the Narc. They could mean it as a joke but I just rip their heads off. It's not pretty!!!
Aug 24 - 6PM
blindfaith
blindfaith's picture

narc changed my personality

Yeah, i find that ive become more short-tempered and bitter since having been with my ex. Its so hard not to! I know what you mean. I hate it when I find myself accidentally taking it out on others. I share an apt with my mom,and i love her but she tends to rub me the wrong way. I notice that at times when she knows Im upset over him, she'll try and "fix" me, which sets me off. He called last night and left a message on my phone, so i notice that im snappy today. I dont know why. It just gives me mixed feelings when he tries to make contact,and it sets me on edge. Honestly, i dont know what to do about it. I have a best friend that i talk to about it (my poor friend), and sometimes it helps. Im trying to exersize more, which also helps a little. But to get to the root of it and get rid of my anger,etc---Im trying, and its hard. I guess it will take time. Sometimes i wish i could go into some kind of re-hab counseling setting and stay there till i get better.
Aug 24 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Blindfaith

I had the exact same thought today! I wish I could take a leave of absence from work and go live with the monks for a couple of months. They don't talk! :)
Aug 24 - 9PM (Reply to #6)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

lol can i come? :=)

lol can i come? :=)
Aug 24 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Sure Deidre!

Pack your bags and let's head off to complete silence!!!! Another good part about staying with the Monks is we will only have to deal with men who want NOTHING FROM US! :) How awesome will that be!
Aug 24 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

hahahaha! that's hilarious!

hahahaha! that's hilarious! i'm in! :=P As long as there's a mall nearby...and a spa...and...oh, that defeats the whole monk experience, i guess. :=P
Aug 24 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

I was the same way after the

I was the same way after the final d&d. People just didnt get "I need time alone and I can fix myself. Just be there when I need you!" AS I have learned, that's where I learned my codependency tendancies. My parents and aunt smothered me so bad that I did move in a apt. for a few months. I needed to be with me and work on me, not keep backing them up in their place.All those voices yacking all the time with their well intended advice(that they never practiced to top it all off) just wore me out. I figure it is pretty normal. I have developed boundries now and have told them my boundries.I have had to explain my boundries to them. Why they are safe for me, not meant to be mean to them. It has helped for the most part. I am thinking my Mom is a borderline and she is real needy for things she should be doing for herself, both emotionally and physically. I tell her to manage herself if possible, it is not my job. If she falls and can't get up or gets sick, that is when she should call me. Wooooo, I am just ranting like a lunatic, sorry for highjacking. Two books taught me it is ok to protect myself from abuse and use. I always knew stuff felt wrong, but had been told I was petty or silly. Not no more. If you havent already, learn about healthy boundries and get you some. I have learn its better to speak up early than to let them keep inching their way in. Thats just my two cents. The path out of Narcville is pretty much the same for all of us. HUGS
Aug 24 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

redhead

Your Mom sounds like my Dad. I wonder sometimes how he gets through the day when I'm at work. He calls me 20 times a day to update me on the weather, baseball games etc. Bless his heart I know he's lonely but I have a job. He is also on dialysis and complains endlessly and is convinced every day that he is dying. I've had to set boundaries with him because I kept being so ugly to him! If I lived with him I think I would have put him in a nursing home or assisted living by now because I have zero patience. My 2 year old niece can do more herself than he can. I just want quiet time and I NEVER have it. NEVER. My job is like a circus and then when I get home it's the circus round 2! LOL! Like I said earlier......Deidre and I are going to live with the Monks for awhile! Would you like to go with us?? :)
Aug 25 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

Right now I would prefer a

Right now I would prefer a nice quiet island. I don't mind if people are around, just not to close. LOL