Well, my Narc was a miserable sonofabitch. You'd never know it by looking at the surface, his behavior. He very rarely ACTED miserable.
It's sort of like to know real beauty, you have to have a real good idea of UGLY.
I know I can experience enduring love and devotion. I feel like most people like and respect me most of the time. I have positive relationships where I do not need to fall upon manipulation or lies to get my needs met.
These are things no Narc on the planet will EVER know.
Do they KNOW they'll never know it? That is the question.
I guess it's in how you define "happy". A human being who cannot love or bond, and who is so obnoxious that no one over the age of nine can love them . . . from my POV, my own definition of happiness, Narcs are miserable. But do they feel the misery? No, because they don't know that they don't know.
When I wished him happiness with the girlfriend...
The ex-Psych professor threw a total temper tantrum, he's a lot like my one year old nephew that way (except my nephew doesn't have tenure, doesn't give lectures, and he'd be at least 17 years younger than his students)
Some Ns/Ps flaunt their new loves, engaging in PDAs, they go the whole nine yards, brag about how great the new woman is. The ex-P did no such thing. When he flaunted his girlfriend, they acted like siblings instead of lovers. They looked like fraternal twins, that the ex-P had finally found the mirror image of himself. A woman who wouldn't wear dresses.
In an odd way, I think I would've found closure if the two had made out. Maybe I was so exhausted by the ordeal of the final D&D that I wanted slip Spanish fly in their drinks so he'd leave me alone. I wanted to see him HAPPY, IN LOVE, even if it wasn't with me. His students found him cold&emotionless. He didn't even bring her to graduation (the spouses/girlfriends/boyfriends of the professors usually attend)
I guess I found the final D&D so overwhelming that I wanted him OUT of my life, that I would've booked 'em both a room at the most romantic B&B, and given his girlfriend tons of Victoria's Secret and aphrodisiacs.
I can relate to everything you say in your post.
My exN definitely seems very happy to be out in the world - he is enjoying tons of new adventures while I struggle with sadness and my day to day reality.
He always finds new supply and I know he is much happier without any emotional attachment, so he charms them all and they all fall for it - at least for awhile.
He doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, but he has profiles up on several dating sites. The supply he gets from those alone keeps him believing his way is the better way.
In that respect it really does seem like it is a happier life he's living, than us humans who actually care about other people and have feelings.
Journey on...
They live a lie,,period. They are not happy. All they do is live to secure supply, use people, are on a constant mission to destroy others..they have no sense of rule to live by, and they know it.
They get close to breaking the "societal" rules, and they know they would receive negative consequences however they toy with this idea.
No, they are not normal, not worth being with or knowing.
They are not happy.
They have two emotions, aggression, and rage.
Please don't let yourself get caught up in those thoughts. I too find myself thinking the same thing sometimes. You have to understand that you and i and the rest of the ladies on this site are HUMAN therefor we feel pain when someone we love hurts us. We are trying or at least i am trying to make sense of all this and heal from it. Do you not find it strange that they are able to move on so quickly and act as if you meant nothing to him? Which only leads me to believe that they cannot feel and that is not normal. You and i are trying to understand this pain that we feel and make sense of it in order for us to become whole again. They cannot do this because they as humans are not whole and they will never be! They will continue to put on this act of being a great guy/father because that is the only way they can secure someone else. But it won't last and that will be someone else's pain when they show their true self. It is a hard and painful journey we must take but it is a path we must walk in order to come out on the other side of this chaos. Believe in yourself and give yourself the time to heal. I'm right here with you and feel the same way sometimes but keep holding on because eventually before we know it you won't need to hold on anymore because YOU WILL BE STANDING ON YOUR OWN two feet. In the mean time lean on us! We are here to keep each other afloat!
Lots of LOVE!!
It does not bother him because he is the one that stopped it in his mind. So he wasn't hurt. Now, if I had called him one day and said I can't do this anymore, or if I started ignoring his calls every night, the way he did to me, then he would feel upset. He has nothing to be hurt or upset over. He ended this in him mind a long time ago. It is hard, too, because he won't discuss any aspect of it. I wish I could sit on the phone and say you know you really hurt me, why did you do everything in your power to have me love you and then vanish on me? Believe me, the closure would help a lot.
you may wait till HELL freezes over to quote my dear mother, if you are waiting for closure from him. theEXN ki spent 15 years with is dying ot cancers and when I sent him a card, he sent me back another hateful letter, never acknowledging my thoughtfulness in thinking of him as he is dying," ungrateful bastard". their is a beer called that and would love to hand deliver it to HIM, haahahahahha
It takes time stillhurting. I can remember even a month ago I just wanted to know that inside he was miserable. I would obessesively think about him being with other women and the charm he was putting on them. I was so insanely jealous. Today I dont care if he is happy, glad, sad or mad. I pity the women he is charming. Really I do. No one should have to suffer the kind of pain we are suffering.
Give yourself some time to digest you have been involved with this man a very long time.
Thank you. I don't want him to be miserable. He seems really happy to me. I just read a lot of posts out here with people comforting people by saying "they are narcs, they are miserable angry people." I just am not seeing that in my situation. He is living as he was, and even better now because so much I did had positive ramifications on him, and going on with his wife, who never even knew of us all this time. It is unbelievable, really. He came out a better person, and I feel ruined. At least other things are going well, and I will keep concentrating on other things. It is funny. When I met him I was not looking for anything. I was just minding my own business, and I was pretty content. Then he reaches out to me with the whole miserable marriage story and how nice of a guy he is and what a mistake he made marrying her and having kids....Oh, brother!
well of course not because you only the "false self" All I can say is it must be terribly exhausting hunting for supply all of the time. I know how exhausting it is to be involved with him just imagine his whole life has been like that he doesnt know any different but I think in there core they know something isnt right. I know people will argue that point with me but in my case mine I think had a very good idea that something isnt quite right with him.
You are not ruined. It seems as though you are right now but you arent. You dont know what is waiting right around the corner but I do know this after the first round with the Narc I found myself 27 years old all of my friends were married or engaged I attended one bridal shower after another and then there was me with no one and I felt so alone the loneliness and low self esteem engulfed me. I just wanted to meet someone anyone but I didnt. That year I maybe saw the Narc once and it was the usual song and dance. We need to "work on things" and see if we can get back together. Well he never "worked on anything" I was feeling so much hurt and sadness that it was all pervasive. I was decent looking yet I had no dates. No one wanted to date me because I think I was screaming "Im unhappy" after about a year or so I started to come out of my depression a little and in the months following I started seeing more and more of myself starting to peek out from hibernation. During this period I went on a date with the Narc we hadnt seen eachother in quite some time. Well that night I knew I had healed because there were no sparks, no butterflies no nothing. I was almost dissapointed. I longed for that euphoric feeling but it was gone. To him though nothing had changed he ask me to spend the night and for the first time in 5 almost 6 freakin years I didnt want to. I got in my car drove off radio blasting and I felt free at that moment with a just a little sadness. THE SAGA WAS OVER! The following month I met my husband I kid you not. He proposed 3 months later and I can tell I had ZERO interest in the Narc. I think it had something to with me releasing the Narc from my being seriously I do. Nobody wanted to date me before because I wreaked of depression. Though he wasnt physically present he was mentally present in me. People sense it they do whether they are conscious of it or not. So what I am saying is. Take time to grieve and be depressed it will lift but my guess its gonna take a little while for you 9 years is a LONG freakin time.
Also something that you can do that I think will help is start really taking care of yourself by that I mean getting really fit, get some new make up or get a new hair style. I know the new hair style for me is something that can really perk me up and give me alot of confidence. Just some suggestions but the most important thing is time.
Oh and I forgot. I am very impressed that you did not succumb to the crossdressing thing. He was trying to shove that down your throat but you didnt accept it! Good for you!
I think the hardest part of this whole thing is accepting that chunks of my life 7 years in total were a lie. Just a lie and I feel I lost 7 years of my life that I wont get back. I just try to comfort myself with the fact that there were "some" good times.
Thanks for your reply. Yes, most of the time was very good. I have no horror stories like I read here, and I am thankful. He definitely gave me a lot of his time, even though he did not have it to spare. I often wonder if he is a narc or it was just an affair with a married person that did not work out the way I wanted. Although his behavior and traits match everything I read here. Oh well. I will be okay. I just miss him and love him. I always will, but I just can't be with him for about 50 reasons.
Well, my Narc was a
When I wished him happiness with the girlfriend...
Exactly!
Journey on...
Stillhurting don't see it from their perspective
StillHurting......please
Also....
Stillhurting
It takes time stillhurting.
Sick of it..
well of course not because
Sick of it