Everyone Out Here Keeps Saying The Narcs Are Miserable...Really?

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#1 Jan 29 - 2PM
StillHurting
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Everyone Out Here Keeps Saying The Narcs Are Miserable...Really?

Hi, all. I am having a bad day with narc fever today. So many other great things are happening, but the narc fever remains.

I have seen many posts out here from all of you saying they are miserable, they live in hell, they are this and that...So it makes me ask, "Are your narcs really miserable?" I mean, I am miserable, and I will step up and yell it out. Him? He seems like he is doing fine out there. It makes me look back and wonder what was ever wrong with his life to begin with, if anything, that he needed to be loved by me. Yes, I am pretty great, I get that, but I never saw what was so bad at his house. He has a much better life than I do.

My narc is out doing something with his kids. He was out all day doing his routine and Saturday errands. Some relative of his wife got him tickets to an upcoming basketball game, etc. He does not seem miserable to me or in hell in any type of way.

I am in today because I feel like being in, but I am not happy and out there living normal, not by a long shot. He never says anything is wrong, ever.

Also, as some of you know, I am still in contact with a work tie in with a relative. The romantic notion and part of this is gone, and even though I thought I could continue like this, I realize I can not. Every day that I still talk to him where he never mentions the past or say any of the things he used to when he "loved" me is just a constant reminder that I got screwed over.

Does anyone else feel like this? They are the sick and disordered bad people, but they are out living normal. We are on a forum like this, and a lot of us are in tears daily....I'm just saying....

Feb 3 - 5PM
LauraLea
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Are they Miserable???

Yes, they are! My ex N could not sleep at night, living in fear. He is insecure, feels bad about his body, feels less than, and obsessed with every little detail of his life. I studied him, read about him and learned all the things that drove him. On the outside they look great. I learned through therapy that they specialize in "Impression Management", where they work REALLY hard to make themselves the perfect person. My ex N gives thousands of dollars to charity, volunteers on boards that help children, and would give the shirt off his back to anyone that needs help. BUT, none of that generosity extends to the ones that love them. They hate those closest to them. Yes, they will die alone and lonely, and never see anything wrong in their world.
Feb 2 - 11AM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

When I congratulated the ex-P...

About a year after the D&D, I sent the ex-Psych professor two brief emails each congratulating him on being married and being a father. They were short, one sentence emails. Got ZERO response. But then again, I was the one to skip town and for 4 years I had never given him my email address. Maybe even I wasn't expecting a response. And I wasn't disappointed when I didn't get one.
Feb 1 - 12AM
Disillusionedx2
Disillusionedx2's picture

This is exactly what they do, each and EVERY time.....

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.” ~Sharon Stone stay~strong

stay~strong

Jan 31 - 9AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

normal lives

StillHurting, everyone's right on this. When I think, "Gee, he's just living a normal life" I look at him on the playground, chatting with the moms and holding his foster child's hand, and then I think of him sticking his fist up me with his family crest ring still on and beating me with a belt with tears in his eyes while the OW and his child watched T.V. in a hotel downtown, thinking he was at work. Not normal.
Jan 31 - 10PM (Reply to #36)
fierflie
fierflie's picture

helldweller

did i miss something? you got hit with a belt too? whats the story on that?
Feb 2 - 12PM (Reply to #37)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

fireflie

I'll have to update my story in the "Share your Story" section. Yeah, I'm in the sisterhood of the belt-beaten with you. :(
Feb 2 - 12PM (Reply to #38)
fierflie
fierflie's picture

helldweller

did you take pictures? was it a sexual thing? have you thought about prosecuting him? i'm going to sue mine and make what he did public
Jan 31 - 9AM
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

they are out living normal.

NO THEY ARE NOT out living normal lives!!!!!! What you see is NOT what it is Stillhurting, only what you may think or try to fill in the puzzle in your mind. ARE YOU KIDDING? There is NOTHING normal about their lives honey, and do you know WHY? Let me give you a clue, Is a Narc NORMAL? So what makes you think he has a normal life and is so damn happy? Do you think he is going to tell YOU anything of all people? He is probably happy because he is cheating on his wife. I dont know if yours is boarder line psychopath or mostly narcissistic but either way they are FAR from normal and what you are seeing is NOT what it REALLY IS. I thought that too for a long time, mine has a beautiful beautiful home he shares with his GF, hunts, has beautiful hunting dogs, steady job with the county, they take vacations together (he probably screws the maid when she is in the shower) and what does mine do on the side? Chokes me during sex and is a sexual predator. NORMAL? THink again. They are good at giving us that illusion or we would not have gotten involved with them in the first place, then we are left in the end with all the fricking Cognative dis thinking they are sooo happy and normal and they really werent as bad as we thought they were. ha ha ha Trust me they appear to have a good life because they DONT have a conscience, they do anything they want because they dont care who they destroy along the way, you would not be on this forum if he was normal. Sick and dangerous, YES, NORMAL not even close.
Jan 31 - 9AM (Reply to #32)
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

nerverlookback is correct.

nerverlookback is correct. they APPEAR normal. Just as they APPEARED to be a loving, caring, dedicated person. They don't have feelings, so while we walka round crying, unable to function, obsessing about 'what went wrong' or 'what could we have done better'...they are just doing what they always do. Acting as if they just hit the jackpot and have the most wonderful life....but all of that is on the outside....behind closed doors they are really the same, depressed, insecure guys that we had to deal with too. This is such a vivid illustration and has JUST happened that I keep referring back to it: My N met a woman in another city in September. They were already a 'super couple' by the end of the weekend. They are both extremely good looking, educated seem to have their sh*t together and they could forge ahead with a successful union. But just two weeks ago, she dumped him COLD and has maintained NC with him except to say she would mail some of his stuff back today. Other than that she has completely BLOCKED him from facebook, etc. Why the sudden change so quickly? Because she had obviously STRONG BOUNDRIES and she seen through him more quickly than other people can. BUT, if I didn't live with him..he seemed happy and estatic that everythign would work out in his favor. he would even make comments to hide that he was 'dumped', at first. Then, when he couldn't salvage the realtionship and keep her as his girlfriend...he claimed that they were going to remain 'good friends.'......then when she totally eliminated him from her life....he blamed it on HER stating that "He is doing what's best for his child. Because she wasn't able to love his child and treat his child as much her own." See? He maintained a perfect public facade through all of this. Anyone from the outside looking in would never suspect a thing. And even with the dramatic end, he still keeps is cool and almost acts as if HE dumped HER 'for the sake of his child.'....and he is living his life right now as if 'othing has happened'... They are the MASTERS of OUTWARD deception....don't be fooled at all. neverlookback is absolutely correct..what you get to see is an ILLUSION. Concentrate on making yOUR life 'REAL" with all of that happiness....
Jan 31 - 10AM (Reply to #33)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

Hey insect

Havent seen your name for awhile, how are you? My new name is neverlookback, I used to be Cynthia, ring any bells? Thanks for the back up, unreal huh she dumped him fast, just as fast as it started no doubt. GOOD FOR HER, he picked out too strong of a woman, shame on him he will know better next time, ha ha ha sick bastards. Hope you are doing well, I have come far but I have to tell ya these individuals take a huge chunk from our lives even after we get rid of them.
Jan 31 - 7PM (Reply to #34)
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

yes..

She was a VERY strong woman...because one month he is moving to Buffalo to the spend the rest of his life with her...then the next month he is dumped. I'm doing ok as far as getting my life on track...thanks for asking!I am starting nursing school and have no interaction with my N for the most part, even tho I still live with him. I think I will post my story, soon. :) Yes, Cynthia... :)
Jan 30 - 10PM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

It doesn't really matter to me if he is miserable or not....

After all, if I am curious about whether he is miserable or not, my focus is still on HIM. What I do know is that I am happier without him. Sure, I still miss him (or more presisely what I thought I could have with him) but I experience less self doubt and more self love without him. Day by day learning to walk away.....
Jan 30 - 11AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

What I have read

In the last 18 months, I read obsessively about this personality disorder. Otto F. Kernberg, MD was one of the psychiatrists who developed the theory of malignant narcissism in the 60's & 70's. Otto F. Kohut, MD also wrote a tremendous amount about narcissism. Kernberg & Kohut wrote that these people have inner tensions which make them very uncomfortable. They lack self-awareness & blame others for their discomfort. They also use others to extract that which they want. Kerberg described a N's perception as if people have no existence for them unless a particular person emerges from the grey realm in living color because there is something to extract. Kohut writes a new friendship catapults the N into a euphoria which dispels the inner tensions. But soon the illusions wear off & the inner tensions build. Kernberg writes the N beomes disillusioned & discards the person as about as useful as a lemon pulp after the juice has been extracted. It's all premised upon psychoanalytic theory & work with these narcissistic patients. It's only a theory but it helps to articulate that which I perceived with my N. Now do they replace people quickly & move on quickly? Yes. They are predators. They live very superficial lives and destroy the lives of others. Happiness & unhappiness has nothing to do with it. I think the issue here is that we perceive that they do not seem to grieve the loss of that relationship which seemed to mean so much to us. That they have no remorse for the pain they inflicted. They simply do not care. Yup. Why should he? You're a lemon rind he just squished & threw away. He's right now cutting into a new lemon without a thought for the one in the trash heap. Is he happy with the new lemon -- yeah, if you call that happiness, he's gratified to be extracting the juice while it lasts. Is it a meaningful happiness? I don't know. I don't care.
Feb 1 - 11AM (Reply to #29)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

well put Agnes

I try to look at it this way. Are drug addicts happy? I think most likely they are not. Just because a Narc is a supply addict instead of coke, alcohol, etc. doesn't seem much different to me. Some drug addicts lead shallow existences too. Their ONLY reason for living is to get high, and they are always on the lookout for their next hit. They will destroy relationships with friends, family, and lovers in order to get their next hit. They live in denial about their problems. They take stupid risks and make poor choices. in order to stay high. Eventually, if they don't change, everyone in their lives get fed up with them and walk away. Now, if you replace the drug addict in this scenario with a narcissist, you canget the idea that they are at the core just as miserable. Only they have a mask of normalcy because their drug of choice, a.k.a., using people, doesn't have the same debilitating effects as a heroin habit does. Does this sound happy to anyone? Having to scurry around for supply all the time because it is like air or food to you and having to maintain a facade of normalcy and a web of lies which at any time could blow up in your face? Sounds like a desperate and unfullfilling way to live to me.
Jan 31 - 11PM (Reply to #28)
Disillusionedx2
Disillusionedx2's picture

very well stated AM

Beautiful, I love it! stay~strong

stay~strong

Jan 31 - 6AM (Reply to #27)
Fawn
Fawn's picture

Make Lemonade

From one squeezed out lemon to another, I say make lemonade. I really like this post, because I get this way too when it appears that the N is living happily ever after. However, as time goes by, information is revealed to me that contradicts all of his attempts at appearing happy. I live in a small town, and that is a liability sometimes. I do know that everyone where he works knows most of what he did--leaving me during Cancer treatment, sleeping with our 23-year-old babysitter. Even his boss knows, and warns new female employees when they start working there. He is a jerk to everyone, except those who can give him supply. He has really made a reputation for himself in this town as a total pr**k, and he didn't even grow up here. I was told the other day by a waitress who knows that I am his ex that he and his latest supply come in her restaurant to eat and that he is a total db and a terrible tipper. She said that he and the supply are totally rude to her and he tips her less than 10% every time. That made me laugh really hard! He is trying to impress this new supply, when he really can't even afford to go out to dinner at all. He lives his live in a mean-spirited, miserly way. He is walking around faking it with the supply, but behaving in his usually jerk fashion. She just doesn't see it yet, because he is such a good faker. Meanwhile, he has been trying for the past few months to get out of paying child support, so he has more money to spend. It amuses me to no end that he is with someone who actually expects him to take her out to dinner! When he dated college girls they sat in his apartment and ate Ramen noodles! He can't function as a full human adult. And he still looks to take something away from someone else to get what he wants. Instead of being a normal grown-up man and figuring out a way to make more money, he has tried to get our son to live with him so that he can pay less child support. (and told our Son this). Son went and stayed with his dad for 5 days and the Ex-N took an "abatement" off of the next month's child support. Unfortunately for him, this put him over the limit of being $2500 behind in his support, which is a felony offense in my state. I had the Prosecuting Attorney's office serve him with a letter threatening a warrant for his arrest if he didn't pay. He paid the minimum amount to get it under the limit. So while he is pretending to be Superdad with new supply, he is trying to cheat his own children out of their child support. The next month he was late again with support, so I finally called Child Support Enforcement and his wages will be garnished beginning in February. Do you think that he wants anyone, especially new supply, to know what a cheap ba**ard he is? He just emailed me last week and asked if he could claim one of the kids on his income taxes. This is one of his other immature methods of getting a little extra money. I simply said no, and laughed to myself at his nerve. I have sole custody and our divorce decree states that I claim them. So....my point is, things aren't what they appear at all. Your ex-N is out there doing the nasty, evil things that they do. They don't change and they actually get worse!
Jan 30 - 6PM (Reply to #26)
StillHurting
StillHurting's picture

Thanks to all who replied

It is so interesting to hear how we all perceive the situations we had with these people. I did well by ignoring two voice mails this weekend. If it makes any sense, the calls do not make me happy anymore because he does not say the things he used to. To be honest, now that he is not sitting there and saying he has been thinking of me, and I am beautiful, and I couldn't wait to call you, etc., we don't really have that much to talk about. It seems very very empty now when we talk. Unless he is talking on and on about someone cutting him off in traffic or about some other pointless thing, we don't have much to say to each other. His life was fine as it was, he should not have dragged another person into his perceived void, and especially me. I really wanted to be in love the way we were.
Jan 30 - 4PM (Reply to #25)
Journey
Journey's picture

Interesting

Thanks for sharing this perspective. Journey on...

Journey on...

Jan 30 - 3PM (Reply to #24)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Was he trying to make me look like a Narc?

During the final D&D, the ex-Psych professor had gotten quite drunk and fat. If I had been the one to take on those traits, the D&D would've been easier for him, and being in a relationship with someone who has NPD does drive normal people to overeating, alcohol, etc. Since I was the one who left town without telling anyone, I pulled the disappearing act... I wouldn't put it past him to accuse me of being a Narc. When I was grieving my grandfather and he was cruelly teasing me during class, he'd accuse me of being a narcissist. That took A LOT of nerve. I've read here of Narcs who physically abandon people by walking far ahead... after the final D&D, I was the one walking far ahead of him. And, considering the sense I've trumpeted my accomplishments, engaged in cruel teasing of him (he HATED being mocked, in a sense I knew what boundaries I was violating&enjoyed doing it) when I broke NC (he hasn't contacted me in a decade, thank God)... it's probably part of the whole "POOR ME" routine. He once claimed that he had been "victimized by beautiful women." Yet he'd call me a slut whenever I wore a dress (thank goodness the woman he dated&married dressed in a butch way) I guess when I broke those personal boundaries with him, I must've kept this in mind- "If he's lying, don't care about his feelings."-Commander William Adama (Lorne Greene) in the original Battlestar Galactica, discussing the con man Chameleon (Fred Astaire)
Jan 30 - 11AM (Reply to #23)
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I like this! :) Thanks, AM17!

I like this! :) Thanks, AM17!
Jan 30 - 10AM
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Just like they can fake a

Just like they can fake a pretend relationship. They can fake being 'happy' or doing good'. That's because they don't have deep emotions so when they are in their normal miserable state it appears they are doing 'well.' Case in point. My N was just dumped by his recent girl he was dating, after just four months. On the surface it looked as if they were the happiest couple about to start a magical, rich and rewarding life together. She is ill right now and had to get tests and stuff and has been pretty much house ridden. Now if he was REALLY 'in love'...wouldn't you think a compassionate human being would at LEAST say 'I hope you feel better' or maybe send flowers. No, My N who still professes to love her and is sad to 'turn the page', just asked her why she was being bitter and could she mail his stuff back. WTF?! While that poor woman is house ridden and probably getting bone marrow tests due to a nasty viral infection that she has had for two weeks, he is out hanging out friends, being social..planning to attend future concerts. To everyone else, he looks like he is doign well. But I live with him. And when nobody can see he is miserable. miserable, miserable. The ONLY that makes him happy is validation and attention from the outside world. Period.
Feb 1 - 11AM (Reply to #21)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

faking it

Yes, faking it is all they can do. And sometimes they don't even do THAT very well, either. When my ex N and I parted ways, and I pretty much called him on the carpet for all of the crap he pulled, his statement was this, "oh well, it doesn't matter what you think, 'cause at least I'm going to be HAPPY." It was far from convincing because he didn't say it with a smile, his voice was cracking and he had a hint of tears in his eyes." Happy my ass. Several months later, the girl he left me for had dumped him, moved all of her stuff out of his apartment without telling him, and he spent Christmas day sitting in front of the TV all by his Narc-y self, not even a friend or family member in the world to spend it with. Oh yeah, that would make me real happy.
Jan 30 - 9AM
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

Stillhurting

I know that my NH is miserable and always will be. I did everything for him during our whole 25 years together. I cooked, cleaned, ironed,planned all vacations, concerts,family gatherings and anything else you can think of. During one of our many breakups he moved in with a psych nurse who was 16 years younger than him. They bought a 370,000 dollar house and was suppose to live happily ever after. It lasted 8 months and she left him and he had to sell the house and came back crawling to me. He was miserable with me and miserable with her. He will never be happy. Now that I think about it I use to walk around the house all day saying to him that his is so miserable and want me to be miserable with him. They will never be happy no matter what they have and they will make everybody miserable around them.

victimnomore

Jan 30 - 8AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

are they miserable?

I believe that mine is "fine." He always said it himself. I'd ask him if he was happy and he'd say, "I'm fine." I'd ask him if his life was the way he wanted it and he'd say, "It's fine." I'd ask if he was satisfied with no partner, no life plan, no children of his own. He'd say, "It's fine." That's all he can be: fine. The second thing I think, which backs this up, with that he just needs company. Do you notice that, while we are sad and cutting ourselves off from human company, they seek it out more? It's the distraction I see in, for example, my mom, who dealt with my alcoholic dad and my controlling brother for so many years. The first thing she says when I'm sad is "Go out with your friends" or "Spend time with your family." She's saying "Push out reality and distract yourself." I think this is the way they live their whole lives: distracting themselves. One final thing: I do think that they know they will never be normal so they have no expectations of anything. No life plan, no future dreams, no hopes. Sure, the honeymoon of new supply is a great distraction from this, a drug to them. But when they slip and can't go through with it, the lack of expectation returns: "Don't you want a wife? A son with your eyes? With your last name? Don't you want a legacy?" "I'm fine."
Jan 30 - 6AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

I thought this too initially

HOWEVER, in the long run they do not get what they "think" they deserve. Does not happen. They lack the compacity for true human interaction, joy, love, and fullfillment. They are the great pretenders. Things often "appear" to be o.k. for them and they are prone to boast about how great things are to make you feel bad. I had a successful appearing narc tell me that he ALWAYS gets back with his X's who have rejected him on any level (and with a narc that doesn't mean you did much, a dirty look can constitute rejection) so he can dump them. He does this on purpose to inflict pain upon them. We see that sernario on here often. How they will disappear and then reappear only to dump you again and yes ladies, they do this on purpose. This is an intentional act for them to keep the upper hand. Does that sound like happiness? They go through relationships like mad and still lack a genuine connection and appear surprised that their efforts don't bear fruit. All the narcs I know have been through one lousy relationship after another. Some of their partners stay for longer than others, yet their partners are seldom happy for any length of time. They may stay hoping that it will get back to the good old days, if only they try harder or they may be too depressed to make a change. We see it on here frequently. Try to remember the way it really is when you get these thoughts because it is simply not true. They are obsessive, selfish, manipulative, pathological liars, and serial cheaters. No they are not happier without us. They are just on to new unsuspecting supply who will soon see the way it really is and be in the same boat we were in with their own creepy narc to deal with. Goldie
Jan 30 - 8AM (Reply to #17)
StillHurting
StillHurting's picture

How happy can he be, really?

Is what my friend said to me about this. He is in a marriage he hates and probably staying there because he lives pretty well with her, but not sure how he would do on his own. I think about that sometimes, too. If you feel trapped in marriage and can't be physical with your partner and stay out of the house when they are home, how happy can you be?
Jan 30 - 5AM
Scotchy71
Scotchy71's picture

Stilllhurting

He has no conscience.......deep down, no, he isn't happy - he's only happy when receiving supply from others no matter what level. Imagine hating the person you really are and having to put on a false face every day so that someone might love you? Horrible. He appears to have a good life, but he doesn't feel good feelings ever, he's not capable. There will be times when he's on his own (not many, too painful) when he's alone with his thoughts and that's when he's in pain and knows it. This is why he has to ensure constant supply - even HE can't be alone with him when he's being HIM..... You're suffering like all of us because you're a normal person who gave your heart to this creep, they give nothing and really, we don't mean anything as people, our only worth for them is measured by how great we can make them feel.....that too is short lived because inevitably everyone has needs...they can't see past their own....x
Feb 1 - 11AM (Reply to #15)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Scotchy-I'll back this up

with an example from my own ex Narc. About not being able to stand their own company when they are alone. Mine always had to have someone there around him, male or female, but prefereably female. When we broke up a friend and work college of ours still had to speak to him on a regular basis and she mentioned that he was whining that he was "all alone in that apartment" whilst waiting for his new supply to get her crap together and move in with him. My friend was shocked, not knowing what NPD was all about, and told him that "well, if you were still with ShaynasMommy then your ass would still be fed, cleaned after, and screwed on a daily basis but you f****ed that up didn't you?" She couldn't believe what she was hearing because it was only a week after he tossed me away. It just doesn't occur to them what comes out of their mouths makes little to no sense, they just whine, poor me, me, ME!
Jan 30 - 6AM (Reply to #13)
daisyme
daisyme's picture

yes...

i feel this way too and it keeps me up at night (case in point - its 4:30 AM right now). After 14 years of ALWAYS being there for him and taking him back each time he boomeranged back into my life, my ex-N seems to be getting away with it all - the betrayal, the $ he owes me, lies, broken promises etc. he's completely disappeared with the OW and i'm assuming he's happy. however, what is happy to an N? scotchy71 makes a great point - that he can't be alone with him when he's being him. my ex-N has never been able to be alone - his existence depends on constant supply. imagine being so empty and messed up that you eventually end up devaluing and destroying every single person that you enter a relationship with. that is not happy. i don't think they have a concept of what happy is. Instant gratification, power and control, yes...but not happy.
Jan 31 - 5AM (Reply to #14)
Scotchy71
Scotchy71's picture

daisyme

Well said, it's the truth, it really is.....they can't stand the real them so how the hell can anyone else???? We can't, which is why only the false self is present for a little while at least. They'll never recognise a good thing when it comes along because of their own shallow emotions, it's tragic for everyone involved with them - even them. I don't feel sorry for mine, don't get me wrong, but I'd much rather be me in a world of pain but...being able to FEEL it, than being a shell of a person, never truly experiencing my emotions on a mature level. At least we learn and grow from our pain and happiness - they're stuck in an empty void of pain and well, nothingness really......awful..destined to repeat the same mistakes their whole lives constantly searching for what they already have!!! Can you say DUMB ASS??????? :)