Every woman in his past or present

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#1 Oct 23 - 2PM
peanutbutterfrogs
peanutbutterfrogs's picture

Every woman in his past or present

Was going over the conversations had with the N (thanks Syren, read your post about not using personal "my N, etc..) and every woman in his life is crazy, dysfunctional, pathetic, etc,. this included his daughters, his sisters, his mom, his ex's, his female co-workers, ad nauseum. "B*tch" "C_nt" and crazy are the words he uses to describe most of them, except for his mom, he would just talk bad about her.
His son and brothers were a different story. (but he did put down their wives/fiances/ significant others, including their daughters) He would suggest that his brothers were dysfunctional, but he would also defend them if someone else spoke badly about them. He would do the same with his son. The same with male co-workers. As a matter of fact, I don't recall him ever really putting down another male.
Is this normal for a N?
Even his ex, who had kids before him (then they had children together) He would put down her daughter, but not her son. And her mom, but not her dad, and her, but not her brother.
Any imput? Did anyone else experience this?

Thank you...

Oct 25 - 4AM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

Peanuttbutterfrogs......just wondering

DID YOU POSTED YOUR STORY?IS YOIUR EX N AFRO AMERICAN AND FROM OKLAHOMA?HE SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE MINE....JUST WONDERING

Aceonelady

Oct 24 - 11AM
Sea
Sea's picture

"all women are crazy"

The narcky used to repeat this DAILY!! He is a women hater. No doubt about this. All except mama dearest. He the further categorise women into "good woman" - those with qualities just like mama dearest with qualifications, career, intelligence, good looks. He "cares" for this group. He would spend money as in alot of money on such women. They are deemed "worthy". The "inferior women" - those that needs his money (no career no means to feed themselves), those he thinks are stupid, or ugly. He deemed this group as "unworthy". They get maximum a free meal from him only. He doesnt value things like kindness, morals etc. Measurement indicators must always be quantifiable like qualification. Very rigid and weird. This is the narcy boy i was with 12 weeks ago.
Oct 24 - 1PM (Reply to #38)
peanutbutterfrogs
peanutbutterfrogs's picture

They have their preferences

Beauty was a requirement for the exN when seeking OW's, which confused me, being average in looks. Being popular seemed a requirement too (so he could feel popular as well). Perhaps finding such a rich supply via internet is why he upped the ante. He had a mix of OW's in his friends lists, the very religious and the very sexual. Hardly any in betweens, and when they did arrive (the in betweens), they didn't stay long. Reading a lot on this subject recently, they (N's) like the successful because it reflects to them a sense of empowerment. Too bad they do everything they can to suck the good qualities out of the women they target. Thanks. *Strength and Courage*
Oct 24 - 1PM (Reply to #39)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

This Resonates

The popularity thing...seen and being seen. You know what's weird? The last birthday I had as his g/f...like 7 people from the tour posted on my f/b page to wish me a happy birthday. This past birthday, over 100 posted. It hit me then...that these people genuinely dislike HIM...I always thought it was me they didn't like. And being someone who gets along with the more high profile, higher ranked players on the tour, this makes the xN blind with jealousy...these new friendships were formed after I left him. He HATES that I am well-liked...he is an outcast and it took me leaving him to figure that out.
Oct 25 - 10PM (Reply to #46)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Yep you better believe it!!!

Yep you better believe it!!! The more successful, prettier and well liked you are the harder you are goin down. Its sparks that root inferiority that they have which makes them feel vulnerable. It also ignites their abandonment fears. I have always maintained the worse they d and d you the more you got to them. Mine has some his past that I know for a fact did not get d and d'd they way I did but I also know that some others did. I think the ones who get d and d the worst are the ones that they truly idealized. I think their the ones that they so badly wanted to have a real relationship with but know they cant because they stir the vulnerablity in them which are feelings that they can not at all tolerate in anyway so the must knock completely down to quell the anxiety
Oct 25 - 2PM (Reply to #44)
a65703
a65703's picture

wow

that is crazy!! Surely, it was your Ex driving people away. I think, even if people do not know the severity of his personality disorder, someone acting like they are better than EVERYONE is such a turn-off! After ten months, I realized this! My Ex was "woe is me", I have NO friends, after moving to a different state, and I would think, "That's strange!" But why would anyone want to be friends with a Narcissist?! They are the outcasts for a reason!
Oct 25 - 11PM (Reply to #45)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Many months ago, I was

Many months ago, I was speaking with another local player at a tournament...the subject of the xN came up...we all know each other...and he was talking about how funny the xN is...and I stated that "he's a narcissist and there isn't one fucking funny thing about that". So the guy says "really? He is?"...so I respond with..."think about all the years you've known him...have you EVER had a conversation with the guy that WASN'T about HIM?"..."Has he ever asked you anything about you, or how is your family? or how are your kids? Even once?"....he said..."come to think of it, NO!". It's fun to watch the light bulb go on in someone else's head! :D
Oct 24 - 1PM (Reply to #40)
peanutbutterfrogs
peanutbutterfrogs's picture

Geesh

When the exN started his crap everyone avoided me too (on the internet) There were a brave few that persisted in being my friends though, and tried to warn me and watch out for me. Didn't see it at the time. Can imagine that exN you had, sitting there turning red and frothing at the mouth when you got all those Happy Birthdays. Oh I hate to admit how much I enjoy the imagery!! :D You know, maybe you should change your occupation to a N Bounty Hunter of sorts. LOL, go and haunt all their sorry *ss's!!! *Strength and courage and smiles*
Oct 24 - 2PM (Reply to #41)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

He couldn't see any of it,

He couldn't see any of it, since my f/b page is private and he personally has been blocked since 2 months before I moved out to this very day. Unless someone told him, he would have no idea. But I KNOW how people really feel about him and that's more than enough for me! Was such a relief, too...I'm not the cheerleader type, but damn if someone's gonna dislike me, I'd at least like to take credit for being the cause! And it turned out that it had nothing to do with me...from my convo with the xpartner cop yesterday, he's apparently an outcast among other cops too. But of course, everyone else has the problem. He's perfect. And what he does when people catch on to his b.s. is he runs. He changed districts so many times when I was with him, I lost count...now he's working a different shift...gig must be up on midnights! Time to run to days!
Oct 24 - 2PM (Reply to #42)
peanutbutterfrogs
peanutbutterfrogs's picture

That is incredible Syren

It gives me hope. It is hard to believe seeing your strength that he ever had you isolated in any way. Yet, it happens, or so we think. They undo themselves after a while, am starting to see it more and more. They just can't hide who they really are. And yet, that makes me sad to think exN will likely be alone or only ever have short term relationships. Anyhoot, yes, have seen exN do the same, but, was thinking, there were 2 other "casual, didn't feel anything for them" relationships before me, and THEY are the ones that ran and hid. Ex N is a charmer. But he can't maintain it in person, only online. And I don't think he is maintaining it online as well as he used to, only the OW's, and not as many of those. I am grateful, so grateful for the people I have here, and for those in "real world and time" they have been so helpful. He doesn't have that.
Oct 24 - 3PM (Reply to #43)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I never trusted him...I could

I never trusted him...I could never tell him anything that was in any way a vulnerable spot for me, emotionally, financially, share dreams, hopes...nothing. It was 7 years of living totally alone and sharing space with a huge whiny douche bag. That whole experience was bittersweet in retrospect...because I never did let him gain full access to the most intimate pieces of me, which means the damage wasn't as severe as some I have seen on this forum. He knew me on a level that he basically proved he was worthy of...so he knew very little. He has NO idea who I am...nor as it turns out, did he really care anyway, so at least I left with my dignity intact. You remember that comment I made about the text he sent me from a tournament about a month and a half ago in Dallas when he was speaking to another player about me (she's also a good friend of mine)? The text was as if he was SHOCKED to hear that other people think I'm fun to be around...and that others think I am a "good, good person". And I do believe he was shocked...because he NEVER BOTHERED TO GET TO KNOW ME for the person I am. That is his loss and he can definitely SUCK IT for all I care. I'm glad he never benefited in any way.
Oct 24 - 11AM
a65703
a65703's picture

My Ex

- called his stepmother 'bipolar' and this really turned me off and scared me of her, but I realize that she is PROBABLY not. I feel so bad for her. she does everything for him and the family. but him, his brother and father OSTRACIZE HER. she is a perfectionist. doted, spoiled on him when he was a child. - basically ignored his mother, when she was calling him saying she lost her job, he waited a week or so to call him back. she feeds his ego, so in the end she can't be that bad. a fellow alcoholic. probably the stem of his problems. - called many 'unnamed' women CRAZY. Probably his exes. It makes sense why the girls he dated 'randomly' or 'suddenly' stopped talking to him. - had one serious, longterm Ex girlfriend, never called her crazy, but was traumatized by her 'leaving' him and then he told me months later, it was him who broke up with her. the glorified ex, there is so much i don't know and wish I knew about her. I truly wonder if she knows he is a Narcissist. How can you not know? All these women in Narcissists' lives. Maybe it is not so evident before 3 months, but after that you begin to think WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG, why isn't this relationship developing? WHY IS HE SO HOT AND COLD? I guess, I am going to be another notch in his belt, and how he is going to describe me to his next victim remains to be seen, but it is of course going to make him seem like he was the "victim" play his charm and puppy dog eyes. I rather be "crazy" than a sick Narcissist.
Oct 24 - 1PM (Reply to #30)
peanutbutterfrogs
peanutbutterfrogs's picture

So sad

Trying to understand the lack of empathy is difficult, to not call one's own mom during a time of crisis just makes no sense. She probably could have used the support. All the exN's supply broke up with him too. Including me, but he immediately told everyone he ended it. I don't care, most the time am just glad it's over. (Most of the time) The thing with N's is they have a way of getting around our red flags, and play so many mind games. They convince you the red flag you felt had something to do with your own weaknesses, esteem issues, vulnerabilities, etc, I tried for months to end things with exN, but he would hoover, idealize, and my weak spot? Feeling sorry for him. Was always why I went back. If it had ended the first red flag, we wouldn't have made it over 2 months. Dr. Sam Vaknin (Malignant Self-Love author) actually recommends that women coming fresh out of a relationship with an N,to not have a psychological evaluation for at least a year, due to the "crazy reactions" of the recovering victim. (N induced) Much luck to you. It is hard to think we've been so deceived, but hopefully it will give us better insight for future relationships. This is a great place to be for recovery. I am also attending a support group, but it is a one size fits all, and I like the understanding here. *Strength and Courage*
Oct 25 - 2PM (Reply to #36)
a65703
a65703's picture

yes

I believe that anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills are only like placebos, because especially after a tumultuous relationship, you are just feeling the "after-effects" or "continuous effects" of a relationship that just WASN'T RIGHT and healthy!! 2 years ago, I drove myself up a wall because I was involved in a long-distance relationship with an unfaithful man, had anxiety, panic attacks, probably slight depression but upon ending the relationship, I stopped taking Xanax and lexapro accordingly, because I and my friends vouched, that I wasn't the problem - the circumstances of the relationship and how horribly he treated me was! Upon ending my relationship with a Narcissist, I self diagnose or try to figure out whats going on with myself inside, I am sure everyone has had that split-second conclusion that THEY ARE THE NARCISSIST! Obviously, I am still recovering from this relationship, but everyday I feel stronger!! xx
Oct 24 - 1PM (Reply to #31)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I could not possibly agree

I could not possibly agree more with Sam V's statement about waiting a year. I know I was a total jumbled mess after I left and could barely string together a coherent sentence without bursting into tears. I went to some idiot shrink who put me on Lexapro...and I damn near committed suicide while I was on that stuff...it WAS effects from the med. I believe to my core that if you don't already have a chemical imbalance, all that shit does is CREATE one. Glad I got off of that and out of that man's practice. Today I have a much firmer grasp on what has happened, I no longer feel confused, lost, or out of control. But I know I am still very damaged from my years with the xN. I've done most of the heavy lifting to this point, but think that now, it would great for me to work through the remaining issues with some professional guidance. Now, to find a doctor who isn't a drug dealer in a lab coat....
Oct 25 - 2AM (Reply to #32)
5kdznme
5kdznme's picture

Lexapro

By my 7th year with the N, I developed horrible panic attacks on a daily basis. From strong can-handle-anything woman to someone who was afraid to even leave my bed.. anyway, they too gave me Lexapro. Went complete batshit after that - completely agree. I didn't need an anti-depressant. I had anxiety. Totally screwed me up - horrible reaction, my body still twitches to this day... yep, helped a lot, thanks doc. Took 6 weeks of the pills and 18mo of the after effects. Drugs? No thanks.
Oct 25 - 3AM (Reply to #33)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

They prescribe these very

They prescribe these very powerful meds without so much as a blood panel...they are dicking around with your brain chemistry...morons...it's astounding to me, the level of utter quackery at work in the medical profession these days. My grandfather was a doctor...the man is no doubt spinning in his grave. You probably needed Xanax or something like it to deal with anxiety...short term. That Lexapro crap made me completely nuts...one night, about a month after I started taking it, was particularly bad and after that, I stopped taking it...I was really messed up all day...called the xN (thanks a LOT, Lexapro!) and was a blubbering puddle on the phone...and could not sleep the entire night...my lower jaw felt like I had a horrible abcessed tooth (which I didn't)...and I felt like I was in someone else's home; not my own...nothing felt familiar...it was f*ckin' scary!
Oct 25 - 3AM (Reply to #34)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

I tried an anti-depressant

And I literally could not speak words in the proper order - made jibberish of my language (I have been a professional writer at times and am very articulate) - I had a blinding headache, nausea, anxiety and just felt the worst I have ever felt in my life. I decided i preferred to feel whatever feelings I may have over having my brain rearranged chemically in a very bad way. However, my sister takes one and has no side effects so everyone is different.
Oct 25 - 4AM (Reply to #35)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I still believe that if you

I still believe that if you have a chemical imbalance, this stuff will help...if you don't have a chemical imbalance, it causes one. That's not a side effect, that's medical incompetence.
Oct 24 - 1AM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

the exN

I like the idea of not saying "my" N.... The N loved male bonding and greatly enjoyed the friendship of males more than females. He wanted to impress his male friends and show them that he gets attention from females, but he really does not enjoy female company (unless initial throws of new supply) and he was a momma's boy. The strange thing is he did like being with older female family members but not GFs - never gave the key to his house ever to a GF. He told me all women are the same, they are all crazy, cry, talk too much. He dated women of every race by the way...did not discriminate, just disrespects all of them (except one who had one of his children, got married to a nice guy and never hassled him for child support).
Oct 25 - 3AM (Reply to #26)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

'The N loved male bonding and

'The N loved male bonding and greatly enjoyed the friendship of males more than females.' Who wants to start the "ifinallygotit's xN is GAY!" pool?
Oct 25 - 7PM (Reply to #28)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Same here!

The ex-Psych admitted that early on. He wasn't the usual mama's boy;he was Daddy's little princess(???) If he saw he me as a surrogate mommy... at least I am rightly accessorized. But no, he saw me as a surrogate daddy. He saw my interest in philosophy as being like his beloved Daddy. He WANTED me to be a scientist like his Daddy, not a philosopher like him (that whole competition thing-I'd get the silent treatment or change of subject when I brought up philosophy) The woman who replaced me... and who married him... IS a scientist. Sorta like my English major sister being married to an immunologist. Or my mother, an art historian, being married to an oceanographer. A philosopher being paired with a scientist who restores artifacts is kind of a match. The ex-P said be preferred male bonding&male friendships. He liked having female adoration and women competing over him so he'd look straight. He had a circle of male groupies among the students, clad in their wife beaters&ragged jeans, while he strutted around in his beret, very metrosexual. But here's the kicker... an ex warned me about the ex-P. The ex... was MALE. As for the ex-P's butch girlfriend, she failed to convince anyone that he was straight. He didn't go for a stereotypical bimbo. She wasn't girly. The ex-P had a MAJOR crush on this guy my freshman year 15 years ago... http://www.garyjohnson2012.com My classmates wanted to set up a date with this guy, back in the day.
Oct 25 - 3PM (Reply to #27)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

he is not gay, just screwed up

Likes women for sex,comfort and image - like to show off to the guys how popular he is with women (macho crap). But has no real pleasure in forming deep intimate relationship - goes from woman to woman - his job had him on the road for 20 years with women throwing themselves at him. Huge ego - low self worth - the old guys make him feel important. I read about this preference for male bonding on Sam Vakin site - not gay but a reaction to the mommy thing...They do not have homosexual urges to sleep with men or if they do it is way way repressed - its an acceptance thing, kind of juvenile
Oct 24 - 1PM (Reply to #25)
peanutbutterfrogs
peanutbutterfrogs's picture

Was thinking

That may be why exN didn't talk badly about the guys. The guys were his audience to parade his OW's in front of. He used to tell me what deep respect he had for women, but then I would shake my head in wonder to witness his treatment of women around him. He didn't say they were all the same, but treated them all the same, very disrespectfully. So sorry you went through one of these relationships. It is a difficult thing to go through, but once we've made it through, strangely, the N gets worse, and we get better. Hmmmm, just the opposite of what they had hoped to occur. *Strength and Courage*
Oct 23 - 9PM
ready2receive
ready2receive's picture

hating women?

I think Ns really down deep dislike anyone and everyone because they can't stand any competition. I read that they only have use for two kinds of people: people who bolster up their egos and people they can easily put down. My xN seemed to LOVE women; it was men who just seemed too much competition for his fragile ego. Women gave him NS; men saw through him!
Oct 24 - 1PM (Reply to #23)
peanutbutterfrogs
peanutbutterfrogs's picture

Perhaps that is true

If they don't feel empathy, then it goes to say they really don't like anyone. But women serve a purpose. And yes, the N's DO hate to compete with other males. UNLESS they know they can win. This is a great place to be for recovery. We all understand on some deep level, even if the stories and the exN's particular MO was a little different, they all leave the same destruction behind them. *Strength and Courage*
Oct 23 - 7PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Mine was very upfront

about how much he hated women but when I asked him why he would say he was "Done with the conversation". He self diagnosed himself as a misogynistic hermit, WTF? His EXW and all the ex's in his life were crazy, stalking, control freaks (projection). He also used very unsavory words to describe them all. Now I'm sure I'm on the list as well. Actually I'd rather be there than sitting next to him listening to it all!
Oct 24 - 1PM (Reply to #21)
peanutbutterfrogs
peanutbutterfrogs's picture

Ahhh

Let's all take that list as a sign. WE MADE IT !!! We are going to be okay. :) *Hugs*
Oct 23 - 5PM
Blythebloo
Blythebloo's picture

I agree with each and every

I agree with each and every one of you. N's are misogynistic women hating trash talking assclowns. The ex narc despised his mother. As a child he was praised by her one minute then got the crap kicked out of him by her the next minute. Talk about sending a kid the wrong message about his self worth. It's too bad it has followed him into his adult life. It's also too bad his mother had to unexpectedly pass away 6 months ago without ever getting any forgiveness or closure of the situation. Not that would gave matter but talk about unresolved issues. I think back to him mentioning how "whipped" his boss was on his wife. He would snicker and make snide comments about her and how she "ran" his boss. I know for a fact that boss man is happily married, his wife is a decent person with a big heart. The narc isn't capable if seeing a good genuine person and even more so if that person is female. He never had anything good to say about his other daughters mama either. He can screw her one night and wake up the next morning saying he hates her. They have no conscience!!! I quiver at the thought of what kind of message he is going to send to my daughter with his woman hating attitude???
Oct 23 - 5PM
bumblebee
bumblebee's picture

I had a different experience.

I had a different experience. The N took knocks at women sometimes - like "oh, all you women do is talk, talk, talk..." but the only woman he seemed to passionately dislike was his sister. I think it's because she found him out. And then he idealizes his sister-in-law...I think it's because she doesn't see him often and just treats him well when he is there. Not sure though. But the N never used super harsh language against women - he always positioned his ex's as if they abandoned him and he was bitter about it. However, he had the capacity for anger and maybe he was just very controlled in showing that side to me. His abuse towards me was never rage, but I feel strongly that at least one of his friends is a misogynist.