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Ever Feel Like Your Problems Are Not Big Enough or Real Enough?

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#1 Mar 20 - 8AM
stillnotconvinced
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Ever Feel Like Your Problems Are Not Big Enough or Real Enough?

My problems constantly get minimized by my narcissist ex boyfriend as well as friends and family. The reason behind my username also has to do this with feeling I have that maybe I am overreacting.

Aside from having my feelings and issues in life minimized by those closest to me, I also come on boards such as these and read about the horrible ways some of you have been or are being treated by your Ns, including family members.

And I simply can't relate on that grand scale. I could relate on a lesser scale.

Does that mean I am overreacting on things?

I mean, I know now that my ex is 100% a narc although he is not horrible in the way that most of you describe. I say to myself, "Well, I didn't marry him, never lived with him, broke up with him a million times as soon as I found him cheating online, but never physically caught him in the act with anyone". So I never experienced the full narcissism that he could have unleashed on me though he has emotionally and verbally abused him for the last nearly 10 years we have been on and off together.

Do you know what I'm saying? Do you also feel like everyone's problems are always bigger than yours, mainly because these people invalidate your problems and feelings most of the time, and counteract them with their problems, making you feel like you are being over dramatic?

Mar 20 - 12PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

stillnotconvinced

Here's a simple answer...if it's big to you then it's big. There is no measurement of feelings and what is legitimate and what isn't... All feelings are valid. Yes, there is a diagnosis of "histronic" that exists; however, I don't think that's what we're dealing with. If something bothers you - that is your feeling and it is worthy of attention.
Mar 20 - 12PM
Steph
Steph's picture

My ex N was usually quite

My ex N was usually quite subtle. His abuse was insiduous. Except for the times he raged, then it was pretty obvious!lol And yup, his problems were always larger and more important than mine. When I had issues, they were minimized or I was "over reacting" or didn't know how to "handle adversity", "too sensitive" etc etc. And I believed it. This is a typical tactic of an abuser - making you question yourself and your perceptions. Read about gaslighting, if you haven't already. You aren't over reacting - you have been abused.
Mar 20 - 10AM
ABC0311
ABC0311's picture

I can relate

My future ex-narc is very high functioning. On the outside, everything would seem fine. He's a lawyer at a big firm and he appears like a nice guy in public. It's very hard for me to explain to others why we are getting divorced because everything seems okay.... No physical abuse, cheating, drug addictions, etc. He is still impossible to live with. I need order in my life and he causes constant chaos and is always threatening to leave and then pulls me back. I can't deal with it as well as his childhood issues. Counseling has definitely helped bc I have a therapist that understands the disorder and makes me feel like I am not imagining it (sometimes, even now, I feel like I am still making things up). You have to be careful not to compare your relationship to other people's experiences on here bc lots of them (in my opinion) have been dealing with sociopaths and that's taking narcissism to a whole new level. It still doesn't mean that you should stay just bc other people have had it worse. Also, I don't know about you but my narc gets worse at times (which is when I can't take it anymore) and acts more normal other times (which is when I question myself and think I can keep going). If so, Keep a journal of his actions ... It helps to go back when you are questioning yourself. Believe me, I have tried and tried again with him and have gone through 2 marital therapists (neither of them thought the relationship was a positive one). They are just a really confusing breed.... Especially the high functioning ones!!
Mar 20 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
stillnotconvinced
stillnotconvinced's picture

Thanks, that explanation

Thanks, that explanation about sociopaths and narcissism does clear things up for me somewhat. I have journaled stuff before and then threw out when the good times came back.
Mar 20 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

I, too, can relate

Mine is also so high functioning. But, the physical abuse was starting when I left. That roller coaster of drama. All the abuse. The Dr. J & Mr. H cycling. Who needs it? The price for the "good times" is too high. And, after awhile, I was living in fear all the time for when Mr. Hyde would return. I lived in fear of Mr. Hyde. Everything I said in did in the good times & the bad times was always said tio Mr. Hyde, containing, not angering, not triggering Mr. Hyde.