Eternity's story- I need help

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I've been dating the same guy for 10 months now. I strongly suspected he was BPD (waif type), mostly because the one thing I couldn't seem to fit with Narcissism was the crying. I didn't think Narc's cried. Then last night I found this forum and was reading and found a thread about crying Narcs and I realized I was wrong.

When I met him, he swept me off my feet very quickly. We met online and live 5 hours apart. After a month of talking online and on the phone he came to visit me. We met, we immediately connected, we slept together the first night. He told me he loved me before we even met in person. I was hesitant to say it back because we hadn't met, but he talked so much of wanting marriage and children, a life in Canada (he is also from Mexico and working here on a work permit). I was also wary because of that...many men come here looking for a wife to gain citizenship, so I kept that at the forefront of my mind. But he has been working hard at his job, taking English classes to pass the language assessment test for residency and working towards that on his own, so I don't suspect he is using me for that.

Anyways, things moved very quickly. Eventually I was telling him I love him too. I couldn't believe I finally met a man who didn't run at the words marriage, love, etc...in fact he seemed so open to these things I felt relieved and happy to finally find this in a man. We had several visits together and at one point he told me his friend was getting married in December but he couldn't remember the exact date- but he asked if I wanted to go with him as his date. I said yes. I was so excited he already wanted me to meet his friends after only a month. But then everytime I mentioned the wedding after this to try and get him to find let me know the date he would pretend to not understand what I was talking about- I believe he has used this tactic many times with me...he didn't understand English well and so when there was anything he didn't want to discuss he would keep saying "I don't understand" until I finally got frustrated and gave up. So I forgot about the wedding but I wanted to see him on New Years Eve so I asked if I could visit him then (until this point he had only been to visit me). He kept saying yes everytime I asked (I asked a lot because I wanted to be sure). So when the time came, I drove to see him. I was about 2 hours from where he lives when he called me and asked what I was up to. I told him I was driving. He asked where I was driving to. I laughed and said to visit him- but told him I left earlier than planned because I wanted to surprise him by getting there by morning rather than wasting half the day driving the next day (we only had weekends to see each other due to work). He told me he didn't like the surprise and we basically had a long drawn out debate about this- he said he thought I was joking about coming to see him. Really? Joking? Why the hell would I joke about that and why would I keep asking if it's ok I come visit that weekend? WTF?! I told him if he didn't want me to come I would turn around right there and go home. He told me he wanted to see me and to come but that he didn't like being "surprised". I kept driving. I wish to God I turned around that night and never looked back.

After telling me to come, he calls me 10 minutes later crying, saying he doesn't want to lose me. I ask what's going on, why he's crying, etc. I was baffled by his emotional reaction and questioning what could possibly make him so worried and upset. He couldn't explain anything. He only told me his friend's wedding was that weekend too and he didn't know what to do because he couldn't miss his friend's wedding but he wanted to see me too. He made no mention of inviting me- I didn't ask either. I just said go to the wedding and I'll stay in a hotel and wait until you are done there. He said he would meet me in the morning, go for breakfast with me and go help set up for the wedding then spend some time with me and go to the wedding and a short time at the reception. All of this played out as planned, however when he came back to the hotel after the wedding he was very anxious, pacing, wouldn't sit down. He claimed his friend was angry with him for leaving and was very drunk and he felt he needed to go back and talk things out with his friend. I suspected he had a date that he wasn't telling me about. Like really, what guy on his wedding day would give a shit if a friend left earlier than planned...I imagined that would be the least important thing on someone's wedding day unless they were best friends and he was the best man, neither of which was the case.

So he left again and went back to the wedding. Came back after another hour of me waiting patiently for him and seemed more relaxed. He spent the night with me that night at the hotel- but I had a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was lying, that he had a date there or something involving another woman and that is why he was so upset, anxious etc. I snuck out of bed that night and checked his phone. The first message I saw was from a woman inviting him for Christmas dinner with her family. The next message was from another woman from the night before asking if he enjoyed the blowjob she gave him. I was furious. I didn't make it to the other messages, and most of them were in spanish and I couldn't read them, but those 2 were in english. I stormed out of the bathroom with his phone and he woke up wuickly because the door slammed against the wall when I opened it. I called him a piece of shit and threw the phone at his head. Then I started packing my things, but before I left I broke down crying. He grabbed me and begged me not to leave him, begged for another chance, told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he was stupid (yup) and began crying too. He clung to me and wouldn't let go. He pinned me on the bed with his body and held me there, sobbing, begging, apologizing over and over. This lasted for hours. I literally couldn't get up, he wouldn't let me...and eventually I broke and gave in and agreed to give him another chance. I thought all this crying and begging and saying he loves me and doesn't want to lose me must have some meaning...I must mean something to him. I have never given a guy a 2nd chance for cheating- never...I am a fool for ever giving that chance. He promised never to hurt me like that again. He promised to change and that I would be the only woman for him and with him from now on.

That is the intro to our story. As time went on my suspicions rose again because everytime we talked online he would take eons to reply and I would ask if he was talking with other people and each time it was "no I went to the bathroom" or "I was brushing my teeth" or "I was cooking". A lot of bullshit excuses. I finally hacked his facebook and found he was talking about sex with multiple women (some married) and the one he had cheated on me with in December he had messaged 3 days after I found out about the cheating asking her "when can I see you again?" 3 fucking days later!!!! I dumped him again. He again lured me back. I don't know or understand this hold he has over me :(

So this has been the story of our relationship since the beginning. At one point I actually started believing his promises of change were real now (finally, I thought) but I have been fooling myself and believing his lies.

Why do I think he may be a narc? Well besides the master manipulation and lies, in the beginning sex was cold, hard and rough like he was deliberately trying to hurt me (despite bragging to me beforehand that he doesn't have sex, he "makes love"). Sure as hell didn't feel that way. Well that backfired on him because he tried so hard to shove it in and cause pain that first time that he ended up tearing the skin on his penis (serves him right). After that he became more gentle, but I still felt the sex was robotic.

Then he actually threw the covers over my head once like he didn't want to see me. I was pissed and I told him never do that again and asked wtf he was doing. He said "Oh you don't like that? Ok I won't do it again, sorry" Um, what woman WOULD like that? Well since then he has done it 3 more times. The most recent being this past weekend.

I actually drove 5 hours this weekend to break up with him. I have tried many times over the phone, by text, by email...ad thought maybe in person where he can't avoid or give excuses as easily, maybe that would work. After 2 hours he had convinced me to stay. I had found out he has been screwing around for the entire time we were together (I actually had initially believed the physical cheating was only that one time in the beginning and the rest was emotional affairs). In fact, I actually phoned one of the women (I'm sure there are more) that he's been fooling around with 3 months ago and told her I'm his girlfriend and asked what was going on between them and she said he has tried to hook up with her and they sometimes talk but nothing happened or would happen. Then I saw a text from her on his (old) phone this weekend (he locks the new one, big surprise) saying "Come over baby...I want you...NOW!" I am sickened by the number of women who know he's in a relationship and don't have any values and will sleep with him anyways. I am sickened by his behaviour. I am angry. I am devastated. I feel destroyed. And yet I'm still with him! What is wrong with me?! He introduced me to a bunch of people this weekend at a latin party in his town...some of them women he is "friends" with...and I am sure some of them he is also sleeping with!

I have gone as far as checking his phone, hacking his facebook, installing spyware on his computer, and now I can track his phone through google GPS...and is none of this enough evidence for me? He lies through his teeth to my face when I have the evidence! He tells me he loves me every day and then can fuck other women the same night.

This weekend, I tried to initiate sex with him. He avoided it like the plague then finally gave in. But the weird thing was as I was trying to initiate it he was giggling like a little boy and laying on his stomach to keep me from touching him...he tried to distract me from actual sexual intervcourse by just giving me oral sex (only on me though- he wouldn't let me touch him) and everytime I tried to touch him he'd giggle more. It was so freaking weird! Then when he does finally have sex with me, he does it doggy style and shoves my head into the floor so he can't see me...and in the end he actually FAKED his orgasm! Like really? You think I don't notice you didn't come?? In the morning I woke up to the bed shaking because he was masterbating. He quickly stopped when I rolled over. The following night I again initated sex (after all I am not cheating and so I only get it once every 2-4 weeks!) Again with the childish giggles, the rolling away, rolling on his stomach, trying to pull my hands away to stop from me touching him. I finally said "You don't like sex with me?" He says "Is that what you think? That's not true" and starts looking me dead in the eye and repeatedly saying "I love you" while kissing me. Then starts to have sex with me, still saying I love you but unable to look at me anymore. Then he throws the blanket over my head again! I'm like wtf and toss it off, so he moves me to the floor and shoves my head down again so he can't see me. He puts me in some weird position that is painful for me to maintain, when I try to change it and tell him I can't keep doing that (hello leg cramps) he lets me adjust but literally shoves my FACE into the side of the bed/mattress. It was so demeaning. Then he laughs. He didn't fake his orgasm that time, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't thinking about me! The confusing thing is how he goes from declaring he loves me over and over to completely demoralizing and demeaning me.

In 10 months he has never acknowledged (or barely acknowledged) holidays or special occasions, refuses to meet my family or allow me to meet his, I have bought him several gifts and received nothing in return from him, I used my air miles to pay for a trip for us which while the trip was nice he seems to appreciate nothing. He worships his mother., He still talks about marriage with me and babies and says his mom tells him she knows he will marry me because he is different with me than anyone else before (he lets me talk to her on the phone and previous gf's were never acknowledged- so he says). I found out he was searching for "escorts" (aka prostitutes online in Mexico for his upcoming trip that he doesn't want me to go on with him. He claims he used to be very angry and would pick fights with total strangers until a guy held a gun to his head and said he picked a fight with the wrong person. So he stopped drinking after that and stopped being angry (so he says- now it's more passive internal anger maybe). You ask why am I with him- because he turns on the charm stronger than any man I have ever met when I am with him (aside from the bedroom) and I fool myself into believing his words and ignoring his actions.

Somebosy please help me understand this. Help me find strength in myself to not accept this any longer. Is this narcissism? Sometimes I think it isn't because he apologizes constantly and that part seems sincere. He has never verbally insulted me or called me names or threatened me. But one of his ongoing nicknames for me is "crazy" because I have hacked him, tracked him, etc and he knows this. Maybe what makes me crazy is that I have stayed :( I think another reason I stay is because I hate unsolved mysteries and I feel like I'm trying to figure this out and make sense of it all.

Sorry for the long long long ranting post and the very overly detailed bedroom stories but this has been my life for 10 months and I am so confused- I don't know why I'm still with this man. My father was an abusive BPD/NPD...raged, physically, mentally, and verbally abused our whole family. I thought I was past this. I thought I was moving on with my life and not reliving my childhood...I have had bad past relationships full of lies and cheating but always managed to walk away unscathed. Why can't I walk away from this one? What makes him different from the rest? He has never physically or verbally abused me or raged at me. In fact I have nearly punched him twice when sooo angry but I stopped myself and both times he recoiled in fear. He told me this weekend sometimes I scare him because he thinks I am capable of many things (I guess this is where he gets the idea I'm crazy for all the watching of his activities I have done). He thinks I lie to him about many things but I think this is projection because I while I have told a couple of white lies I have come nowhere close to the major lies he has been telling me. It shouldn't matter if it is N or not, I know he is bad for me...he is destroying me...and I need to leave him. But something keeps me hanging on to this destructive relationship. I feel like I'm in love with him on one hand and hate him on the other.

I want to cry. Some days I want to die. I wonder if I deserve this now because I am basically now torturing myself by staying.