End of Day 3 of No Contact. Feeling the Fog Lift

It's the end of day 3 since I caused my own self imposed discard. I don't regret it.. the time had come once and for all so I could get on with my life. I have told myself I am never to return to this disordered person who only causes pain and chaos in my life.

I'm sitting here after getting off work eating dinner alone in silence and it feels great! I feel more clarity. My body doesn' ache, my head doesn't hurt and I feel a lighter spring in my step when I have NO form of any contact with him.

Today I looked in the mirror... like really looked in the mirror and could look without hating to look at myself and smiled. There were no voices inside my head telling me I'm ugly from him telling me I looked pale, worn out and tired.. Gee, I wonder why? ;) Today, I liked what I saw. It was all in my head. Brainwashing by him.

The phone is off and I'm not waiting for him to call like i did in the early days of many D&D's. I no longer ache for him to call me. i am no longer crying or listening to sad songs. The songs I listen to now are all about empowerment.

I know it is/was ALL about him and was never about me. This includes his disordered self, his gaslighting, projection, narc rages and many silent treatments I once endured.

The person I thought i loved DOES NOT EXIST. I am no longer in love with him and realized I do not love this person at all. The quicker someone who is in love with a narc realizes this, the easier it will be to go no contact. They don't care about you. Only for themselves. Never expect them to be there for you AT ALL!

He is a mentally ill person and I have actually come to pity him from a distance. He is NOT able to change and once I looked at through a mental health perspective, my thoughts weren't coming from an emotional place. My heart has finally caught up with my brain, my intuition and judgement.

Meeting my ExN over 2 years ago has taught me the biggest lesson of all..and that was to examine my own issues so I could learn to love myself. And that's what I plan to do.

I know there will be twists and turns, moments of doubts, possible hoovers and uncertainy butI tell myself I can no longer control what he does and only how I react to the situation.

3 days no contact and keeping my chin up. This site has been a huge help in going NO CONTACT once and for all.