emotional abuse or *gaslighting*

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#1 Jul 6 - 6PM
liselotte
liselotte's picture

emotional abuse or *gaslighting*

Gaslighting occurs when a person you trust to tell you the truth about reality, is, in fact, bending reality with lies. When this happens consistently over a period of time it causes you to question your sanity.

When an abuser refuses to listen, appears to misunderstand what he is completely capable of understanding, or declines sharing his emotions, he is "withholding" a part of the essential intimate actions of the relationship. (When a partner really does not understand the other, then at least the intent to understand and compromise should be there, with perhaps a request for the partner to help them understand somehow.) But when Gaslighting is the main technique and "withholding" is the tool, the abuser feigns confusion or a lack of understanding.

"Blocking" and "diverting" is a method of Gaslighting whereby communication is controlled and manipulated. The abuser refuses to comment or answer (because he has already stated "I'm not going through this again tonight") and closes the discussion on things he "has already discussed." Also, when withholding information, the Gaslighting abuser prevents all possibility of coming to a fair resolution, or in giving comforting knowledge to his spouse/girlfriend.

A Gaslighting abuser often accuses his partner of having done something wrong (to justify his actions or to give misleading ideas as to why he treated her a certain way when she questioned him). Healthy partners do not want to see their spouse feeling bad or hurt, and instead desires to comfort or heal their pain.

Alternatively, the goal of abusive accusations is to blame the partner for her anger, irritation, or insecurity, thereby proving the anger/abuse she is enduring is justified because she is at fault or in the wrong for the way she accused or reacted to something he did.

Trivializing" is confusing to her because, if she doesn't recognize Gaslighting by "trivializing" for what it is, she believes she somehow hasn't been able to explain to her mate just how important certain things are to her. "Trivializing" can be very subtle, so that the partner is left feeling depressed and frustrated but isn't quite sure why.

Eventually a Gaslighting abuser wins the ultimate war, the final argument, when she begins to collapse mentally and emotionally. The worst Gaslighting abusers will then mock her, humiliate her by sharing her "wrongdoings" (of searching for a solution) with their mutual friends, hoping to get a response of "I wouldn't listen to all that nagging, Man," from them. Perhaps it better eases his conscious to have others tell him it is all her, or that she's just a bitch, or just a nag. Hell, she's not worth the effort it takes him to keep on living with her!

If you are a victim of Gaslighting, hang in there. Recognizing that it is emotional abuse is a very big step. Trust your "gut instincts." They have been entrusted by folks since Adam and Eve, and I just don't think it is possible that you could be the only person without credible, solid instincts suddenly betraying you, repeatedly telling you that there is something very wrong with your significant other, but allowing you to feel normal and safe with the rest of your world. Think about it. Now get help.

http://www.faithwriters.com/article-details.php?id=60924

Aug 6 - 4AM
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

How low can U go??

Gaslighting is really just another form of manipulation but done by acts of deception. It keeps one off balance emotionally and psychologically. I believe it to be a deliberate act and causes the abused parties emotional confusion and psychological pain. I also believe gaslighting gives the abuser a feeling of control and power over their intended victim. Truly a deceitful and cowardly act of abuse. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/2009/06/i-smell-gas.html
Aug 5 - 1PM
theotherbed (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

It's real. It's scarey. It's insidious.

Don't underestimate the power of gaslighting. I did think I was crazy. I accepted a diagnosis of bipolar, because I was told daily, sometimes hourly, that I was crazy, that I made s**t up, and that I was wrong. It's really tough to withstand that kind of relentless onslaught. Fortunately, I am free and clear of the diagnosis and the N. BUT--he continues, even though we are NC, to practice his diabolical gaslighting techniques. It is purposeful and strategic. Remember, not only are you not crazy, he definitely is. He projects his craziness onto you. As Lisa says, trust your instincts--before he starts the campaign that leads you to doubt this precious inner voice and inner knowing that would otherwise save your sanity. If the lights are flickering, get out. It's not your imagination.
Aug 6 - 1AM (Reply to #5)
Jane (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

This is EXACTLY what my ex

This is EXACTLY what my ex did to me! And I did think I was the one that was insane in the end. Because "I always make up stories" or "jump to the wrong conclusions" (which unsurprisingly where always head on). If you don't mind, I'm going to post this onto my blog... it is so well written! Jane http://sadlynomore.blogspot.com
Jul 6 - 6PM
liselotte
liselotte's picture

another really good article on this

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/7324580-abuse-definitions
Jul 6 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

liselotte - gaslighting

this has been discussed on the Message Board: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/18/youve-been-brainwashed-part-i http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/10/so-about-my-husband#comment-521 Thanks for the additional link! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jul 7 - 2AM (Reply to #3)
liselotte
liselotte's picture

ok! thank you too!

ok! thank you too!