The email my ex-N sent me last Monday

I had sent him an email telling him how sorry I was for hurting him when I had hurt him over the years, and how I hoped he could forgive me, and how I was working on myself, but that I still loved him. At that time, a mere week ago, I still wanted him back. This is the email he sent me in response. I'd like to point out the lack of responsibility, how it's all about him, and the pure melodrama in it. He fancies himself to be this great author. His stories aren't that great, and they're all cookie-cutter and nothing but exposition. Oh, and his ex didn't marry someone like him. She married a decent guy:

"I've been working with words longer than I've been an adult. I like to think I know them, that they're the tools I use the same way (his mechanic) uses his on my car.

But they don't always come to me easily. They're not laid out in perfect order waiting to be used. I can't reach over to a certain spot and there will be the words I need.

They're one of the most powerful tools the world has ever seen. But for all that power they refuse to be constrained. Maybe it's the price for their effectiveness.

For what it's worth, the last several weeks have been brutal. I've had to look inside myself, past it all, and try to figure out who I even am anymore.

I'm tired of seeing guys I know with good wives or even kids who I don't think have half the commitment to their relationship that I've given to every one of mine.

I'm tired of feeling like almost every good woman I know has been ruined by some asshole and is now incapable of trusting the few of us guys left who are sincere and honest.

I've been honest with every woman I've ever dated. Brutally so. And there were many, many times where simple ommission of facts would have made my life a hell of a lot easier. I can't count the things I could have not said, held back, or otherwise not let out that would have smoothed out the road.

But I didn't. Yes, there were times I couldn't explain what was going on internally; there will always be those times. I am a complicated, difficult to understand person. I accept that. It's who I am.

I have always strived to honor and uphold the chivalrous virtues. I don't treat women as objects. I come to the aid of any who need me. And I honor my commitments and promises to the very end.

Twice now I've lost a good woman. Both that I really cared about. Both that I really loved. That pain is raw. It sits up with me at night. It burns in the places of my soul that I cannot reach with any amount of tranquility or calm. I've had maybe three or four really good nights of sleep in over a month. And I often think those were due to simple exhaustion.

I know that I don't walk a normal path. The road I'm on is not a previously trod one. There's barely a trail. I have only my internal compass, my instincts, and my conscience as guides. But that's all I'll need.

Maybe that road isn't big enough for two. Maybe part of being unbending in your beliefs is having to accept that you won't always have it easy.

But I believe, honestly, that I have done the best I could with the knowledge that I had. Yes, there are many things I have left to learn. And I will when the time is right. But I can only work within my limitations.

I'm proud of what you're accomplishing. And I hope that you succeed in all that you put your mind to. I want you to be what I saw was in you; who I know you can be.

These people, they do not understand. They have never seen what I see. Their sight, their real true sight, is blocked by the mundane things of the world, by the superficial. It's as if a lousy prison of flesh and bone can supress their vision of the spark within. I pity them. I wish I could share with the world for one instant what this soul sees when it looks at another. I wish I could share what my spirit feels when I am driving through the night with the windows down and the music loud and the whole of the world is with me.

I know that it would change them. I know that it would cure so many things, put so much in perspective.

It is never a matter of love with me. There are few people I don't love. There are few I can't forgive.

I forgave (his ex) for leaving me over someone more exciting and then marrying someone very much like me.

I forgave (my ex) for still pursuing you after you two had broken up.

I forgave (his ex coworker) for sabotaging my possibility with a job offer.

There are others, smaller and less memorable, but I forgave those too.

And I forgive you for your fear. I know, at least partially, why you did it. I've felt that pain in you. I wish I'd had a way to heal it, but I didn't. It sounds like you are on the road to healing it. I hope that you get there.

There is nothing wrong with you. And you are beautiful. You always were.

And my instincts are similar. Whatever has come between us, you are still my friend. You always will be the first woman I made love to. Nothing can erase that. The bonds I create, they cannot be broken. There is no blade sharp enough to cut them. I will always be there to help you. And I am grateful in turn for the help you have provided me in this difficult time, despite the pain it has likely caused.

I think about the last six years too. There are many things I miss.

But I know that there are some places I can't walk back to. I know that there are some roads that are closed.

I am sorry for what we both lost. I'm sorry for an opportunity that we can't pursue.

But I know that I can't go back. I can forgive, but I cannot return to where I was. Not if I'm going to grow.

I know this is hard. It isn't any easier to write than it is to read. And I'm sorry. I never set out to cause pain. But some pain is unavoidable.

I miss you. I miss what you represented. I lost my love and my best friend.

But I knew when I started this that there was no going back. I took a moment to make sure, I told myself that this was what would happen before I took this step. I knew that what I was doing could not be undone.

I'm sorry for the loss of what was. I mourn it too.

And I will hope for both of us. That the road ahead finds us in better places.

I will be here for you always. As I would for any of my friends.

But more than that I cannot do.

I wish you my best."