Cognitive Dissonance Sucks
I was reluctant to share my story, but here it goes.
I met my ex-N through a dating website almost a year ago. I have been NC for 7 weeks now. We started out great. He made me feel like I was "the one" and I felt that way about him too. He quickly told me that he was looking to get married and that he really wanted kids. I met his family after only 3 weeks and they seemed to adore me. Now when I look back on it he only had me around people who were going to make him look good. We went to one of his client's wedding(ex-N is a CPA/state trooper) kept telling me what a great guy my ex-N was. Of course I now know that my ex brought me to that wedding to meet that guy to suck me in. He really didn't know him, he was just his client. The people who he had as acquaintances only saw what I saw in the beginning, a false persona. I only met his "friends" once. I now also know why. he didn't want me around them because they may expose some of the truths that he didn't want me to know. The devaluing began seriously at 8 months but there were some subtle devaluations before then. He would put me down for what I ate when I ate better than him, but the one time I ate fast food he had to make fun of me about it. He always accused me of being too sensitive. He took a picture of me after we got back from our cruise when I had gained a few pounds and so had he and he used to torment me with it. The worst was when I was naked after we had had sex and he grabbed the skin around my belly hard and yelled, "What is this?" over and over and then threw me on the bed. I am a size 2 or 4. I couldn't believe he had done this. He knew I had body image issues and he played on that fact. When I told him how awful that was he said he was just joking and that I was too sensitive. At this point I was completely brainwashed and believed him. He stopped giving me compliments at about 8 months(he used to tell me I was sexy) and he would always talk about how hot other women were and continue to be critical of what I ate. I felt like complete shit. We got into a huge fight over it the last time I saw him. He made me feel crazy because I had my period and I am bipolar, but it usually does not have a noticiable effect on me. I was crying and obviously so hurt. He said no one ever complained about this before. He was not empathetic and showed no emotion over how upset I was. He said I wasn't appreciative of him always taking me out to dinner even though I said thank you every time and that whenever he was talking about him, I would just start talking about me. Then, he gave me the silent treatment. I went into the bedroom and cried and what did he do? He made himself a sandwich! I then told him that I guess I was just unlovable and that I wanted to go home. I can't believe I said this to him! I asked him if we were going to talk again and he said yes. Lies, Lies. Over the next week I texted him and he sent short notes back and then it just stopped. I didn't know where we stood so I emailed him and I even gave him an opportunity to leave me and then still nothing. I finally called him and he said that I was so upset that night that he thought his neighbors were going to call the cops and I would lie and say that he did something to me and he would get arrested and lose his job. Projection in its finest and so paranoid! He agreed to see me again, but then took it back the next day. Then he was back on the dating website that same night! I talked to his sister who he had discarded a few months earlier. He made me believe it was her fault. I found out he abused her both verbally and physically in the past. She told me that he had told his mother 2 weeks prior that we had broken up but never told me! I know now that I was just an object so he didn't feel he needed to tell me. I was truly discarded. He was awful to his mother. Never showed up for family things, made her cry and said he didn't care. She was afraid of him and never questioned him. and to think they had portrayed themselves as the perfect family! I found out that everything that he had told me had been a lie. He told me he only slept with girfriends and a few other people. Not true! When we had sex in the beginning he said we made love, but later that turned into fucking and him telling me, "You love having a cock in you, don't you? He slept with married women and anyone willing and able. I found out he got drunk one night and broke into his dry cleaners to have sex with some girl before he met me. Not exactly the guy who he portrayed to me. I did find it odd that he watched shows on prostitutes and sexual slavery but thought he did because he was a cop. I am sure he got off on it. Maybe he had even been with a hooker. I even know why he is an N. His sister told me that he was severly bullied and beat up because he ears stuck out. His mother neglected him while she took care of her depressive mother. He didn't want hugs by the time he was 5. He didn't have plastic surgery until he was 24 and didn't want me to know about it. After I explained all this to my therapist she said he was an N. What do you think? I go back and forth still trying to convince myself how disturbed he really is. I did tell him in the end that he was weak and not worthy of my love. I am glad I said this but glad I said it before I knew what he was because he has guns and may have gone into a rage if I said it to his face! Trying to heal at this point and going to therapy. Just got tested for all STDs and waiting for the results. Thanks for reading!