Was/Is he a Narc?
I recently got out of a 9 month relationship and currently going through some turmoil with it. I am not sure if this relationship was emotionally abusive or not. I feel like it was since I have never felt so awful before. Basically it started going down hill at month three.
Some background info:
He is in his 30's in finance and from Germany. He has an identical twin brother who he does not really talk to and I thought that is weird. His brother never called him back on their birthday and he seems to dislike him. He also has mentioned that his dad is an asshole. HIs dad is also the department head of a cardiology department at the hospital in Germany. Once during lunch we were talking about what we wanted in life. How many kids etc. He for the first time opened up to me but very slightly. He caught himself. I asked if his parents had wanted more kids. He said they never wanted kids and then his mom got pregnant and it was with two. Then he stopped himself when i started to talk about it and he said he wanted to change the topic.
I started noticing he liked to hang out with a lot of immature friends and go to college like parties with lots of drinking. He would blow me off a lot or not let me come meet him out if he was at the bar with any friends from work. He would talk down to me a lot, tell me I had a big butt and get mean about it saying I am the strongest girl he was ever with. Then he would change and be so loving and caring. Next thing I know he is changing personalities again and in the grocery store telling me I was walking to close to him or to go off and walk away from him.Once again he would eventually go back to complimenting me etc.
Though most of the relationship he would ignore many of my calls and texts and I would desperately try to get a hold of him because it was so frustrating that my bf would be ignoring me and making plans with me and then standing me up. Or keeping me waiting until the last minute to find out if we were going to see each other or not. And he would get mad at me for being frustrated and trying to get in contact with him when he was in these episodes. He would always say i was like a waterfall. Then 6 months in his best friend from germany came to visit and i helped out with being tour guide in the city on my lunch break and after work when Christian was in CT working. At one point he told his friend in front of m that I was the type of girl you marry.
He was always telling me I was sweet. When his friend left he told me he loved me, and so this began the I love yous. However he still kept up the behavior as I mentioned above. He would always also say to me " what do I do with you i dont know what to do with you." He would say I was to pushy or being a waterfall of texts and calls. It frustrated me becasue these things happened when he was acting up. He also throughout the whole time I have known him, get into explosive anger fits. I mean screaming and yelling and almost growling when he got upset. Intimacy was hard. The first 2 months he always initiated it. Then he pulled away from that. I would try to initiate and he would deny me and tell me I was being pushy. I was so not pushy! Then after denying me he would start to turn me on then turn around and say goodnight completely teasing but not in a fun haha way almost a cruel controlling way.
Like I said he would ignore me sometimes for no reason and when i would keep calling and texting him to find out what was going on he would explode or give me the silent treatment. HOwever if I didn't write back to him or answer a call he would freak. The start to the break up was on a weekend when he drank to much while we wer cooking dinner and he exploded on me because he fell asleep and missed a train. I kept waking him up to get him to his train but he would yell at me. When he finally woke up and missed it he blamed it on me. Then that night he kept calling apologizing. That monday i asked if i could see him because i needed to talk to him. I wanted to talk about his drinking.
I was to meet him after work at his place. When I got to his town i called to say I was here so he could let me in the building. He told me to meet him at the bar. I got there and he was three drinks deep with friends. He asked what I wanted to talk about. I said this was not the place. Then he said are you breaking up with me? Then right away as if that was it he said "yesss" with a victory fist. I said i was leaving. He then didnt want me to go we got to his place and he kept saying lts be friends. I tried to leave and he would grab me and hug me saying no dont leave. then I stupidly stayed there. In the middle of the night he woke me up when he got out of bed for water. He came back and said I hope you find a pince charming. I said I cant do this, got up changed and left. After that he called and said he didnt know what he wanted and he needed time. then from 12am when I left till 8am he called twice and sent 12 text messages that i ignored. He said he was an idiot and that he could not fall asleep and when he said he loves me he means it. then he asked me to call him. I called him 4 hours later and he asked me to dinner. I said i had to think about it. a day later he begged me to let him tak me to dinner because he still had feelings and we would talk. We got to dinner and he acted like nothing ever happened. Then went back to his hot cold behavior.
The day after his bday he had me over and said we cant do this anymore and fully broke up with me. However it did not end he would still contact me then ignore me when i contacted him i got frustrated with him voiced my frustration. Even went on a few dates with someone to distract myself. Then he started calling and texting again. He invited me over to go to dinner with him and twin highschool boys who were the children of family friends. We went for pizza and he had his arm around me the whole time. Then he asked me to cuddle with him that night and begged me to stay and I did because for some reason I have such strong feelings for him. In the middle of the night we woke up from people in germany texting him. I said whats going on and he told me "LEAVE" I said "it's 3am you wanted me to stay im not driving 30 min home half asleep." We went back to bed and he continued to cuddle me. In the morning I went to leave and he said kiss me and the idiot I am did. He continued to text me over the next few days and call as i hung low. His mom flew in from germany who i never met. He invited me to dinner to meet her. I thought this was odd seeing as he was very particular at keeping a large part of his life a mystery. Also he had recently said he never wanted to be with me again or talk to me again a week before he started this strange behavior of being nice again.He told me she really liked me and thought I was sweet and kind. Then he started ignoring me again.
THe storm hit and i frantically tried to get ahold of him as he was staying in the city in a hotel with him mom. He would still ignore me. Then friday morning he sent me a text that said we should not communicate anymore. I feel so hurt and shattered. I told him from the beginning if we broke up I needed a clean break but he kept saying no and part of me hoped we would get back together.
This on and off communication lasted a while. It has been two months since we broke up. Last wek we met for the first time and I said I really wanted to work on things and try to make it work. During the whole visit he kept telling me how beautiful my eyes were and how i was "turning him on" and how I could not come up to his apartment otherwise something would happen. I said once again I wanted to make it work. He said he would think about it. But he could not stand me bombarding him with texts and calls. I said once again that thee moments happened when he was treating me a certain way and if we could talk about it and try and work it out it could be different. He kissed me on the cheek then i went to kiss him on the lips and he said no.We talked for a minute more and he went to leave the car, then came back and kissed me on the lips.
The next day he called and said it was not going to work and we need to go our separate ways and I need to move on. I cried my eyes out on the phone, saying i am not crazy or insane just so heartbroken. I really have never felt such heartbreak before. I am such a strong girl and I am shocking myself that this has gotten to me so bad. Dating is so hard. So After that call I decided not to call or text anymore. He texted me the next day asking me something about my job. I ignored. The next day I got a call from a number I did not recognize so I ignored it. A minute later he texted me and said i called from my work phone, I wanted to see how your dad is doing as well as ask you something else. I ignored that text. Then the next day he texted me "did you call me back yesterday" I ignored. Then heard nothing all this weekend. He called this morning from his work number and I answered the call. I called his work number last night because i tried calling his cell but it was off all night so I figured he might still be at work. He asked if I called his office last night and I said yes and why i did. He said oh I was on a plane coming back from Arizona. I asked why he was there and he said visiting grad school friends. Then he asked how I was and I said I could not talkI was on the train. He said to call him back when I got to my office. I did a little bit later on. He asked how my dad was doing and that he heard my clients ad on the radio. I don't know why he cared to contact me about this since last week he once again said he wanted to end everything communication etc. He then said I have to all you back later I have a meeting.
Shortly after I realized that one of the girls he used to either date, hook up with or "a girl that wanted him" he said lived in Arizona. He used to always tell me about intimate experiences with other girls and people he was in a relationship with or what girls really wanted him. He knew it bothered me but he would do it and laugh anyway. I texted him doesn't your ex live in Arizona? He then replied "LORD!!!" then I said nvm it does not matter. This is the end of the communication we have had.
Now i feel so distraught. I know it sounds ridiculous because I know he is bad but the good moments cloud my thoughts and i feel like a broken emotional mess from this relationship. I dont know what to do how to react. I don't understand all of him in this. I wonder if there is mentally something wrong with him or did i bring this on from over communicating. It feels like he can be childish, narcissistic and controlling but I still find fault in me. I have always been such a strong girl that I am ashamed that I am an emotional mess from this guy and why cant I get over it. Don't know what to think or do. I was starting to mend slowly and todays interactions with him have killed me inside and brought me spiraling downward again. Is he a narc? Did I call and text too much? Don't know what to think! :(