e mail from xn-what do you make of this??

43 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jul 16 - 10AM
running
running's picture

e mail from xn-what do you make of this??

So, what do you all make of the following e-mail? Keep in mind I've had no contact with him for 3 1/2 months, this was entirely unsolicited.

"OK...instead of being coy I'll come right to the point. I do miss you very much. I miss making love to you beyond by ability to describe. However, and this is a big however, you are not capable of having a physical relationship with me without all the stuff that you insist goes along with it. So, the last time we made love I got doused in your feelings of, I don't know how to describe it, because I left for a client birthday party and didn't feel compelled or even want to take you along too...remember? I do! Which was, by the way, the last time we made love which is really too bad because quite frankly, we got pretty good at it. But it was your choice, not mine because your requirements for having a physical relationship include, "love me, love my family, love me, want to be with me every second, love me, promise me a future. Once again the good was killed by your idea of perfect. And I do lament that.

Why do I cut this loose on you now. Because it may not have occurred to you, or maybe you haven't found it to be the case, but you have been impossible to replace as a lover, a friend and just plain good company.
Unfortunately, I can't afford the price...but that's your fault not mine."

So help me out here, am I right in assuming that I was just an object to him???? Tell me not to respond!

Jul 26 - 5PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

It says he's horney

When the woman who followed me left my ex-N, he called me within 32 hours of her departure. He asked me to "come back & take my place with no talk of the past." I was thinking, "take my place" like an object on a shelf which has been missing & then suddenly found again. So simple it is. We will not discuss the fact that he destroyed my possessions, ragged on me about his devastation of my abandonment when he was living with another woman (this is why no discussion of the past--so I would come back & he would not have to devulge that there even was another woman). Well, I said no. He recovered quickly. He was in a new relationship within a month from trying to hoover me. OBJECTS. We are only objects. Me or another woman, all interchangeable. Your's wants sexual gratification without any emotional responsibility. He can pay a prostitute for that. Men do not pay prostitutes for sex--they pay them to leave after sex. Ah! But Ns are so cheap. They prefer to get everything for free. I hope you didn't even respond?
Jul 25 - 2PM
BlueMoon
BlueMoon's picture

stick to what you want and need...

and NEVER be ashamed! These are simply YOUR requirements for a relationship, and they are WAY valid. It makes it easier to see things in those terms...instead of looking at his side or needs (they really don't matter if they don't meet your requirements)...all you need to see is what is good for you, and make that clear to any potential partner from the get go! You deserve to get what you want and need.
Jul 20 - 12AM
broken23
broken23's picture

Is this for real? Did

Is this for real? Did someone actually write this? Why are they so freakin insane!! "However, and this is a big however, you are not capable of having a physical relationship with me without all the stuff that you insist goes along with it" here is a big screw you to your narc from me. This whole email blew me away, from how he actually wants something from you and thinks he can get there by writing this?!? He blames you for wanting the impossible...which is to be loved...imagine that! And unfortunately the bastard cant afford the price. Oh my lord, running...keep running!!! My mouth is still open...no matter how many times i read this.
Jul 19 - 10PM
gettingbetter
gettingbetter's picture

he could have saved a lot of typing

Dear Running, Reading between the lines, this is my interpretation: Runnng, I miss you, but only for sex and someone to hang with when I'm horny or bored. If you are in the mood some night, I'll be right over. Have been trying to get lucky with other women, but they just won't have on-demand sex before a real relationship develops. Not quite sure what that means You were the best. Maybe we could hook up occassionally.Just don't mention again that "L" word, your family or the future. Those things aren't in my plans and I really don't care. That kind of talk really bores me. Of course, anything meaningful bores me ... unless it's about me. Look forward to hearing from you because you can't resist me. Looking forward to no-strings nookie! El-Jerko Run from this man. Flee to your freedom and sanity. Normal men in a relationship do not say or do these things. NC good place to start ... and do you best to keep at it. This guy sounds like a flag-waving,card-carrying narcissist. Don't respond. This guy is sick. And it is not "your fault."
Jul 19 - 11PM (Reply to #39)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

OMG -

this was a great interpretation. Yes, I agree, run for the hills! Even my naive, trusting nature developed hives when reading this email. This guy only wants sex with zero strings attached. A relationship that every woman desires! He sounds like he will never be relationship material!
Jul 18 - 6PM
gigi9
gigi9's picture

My exNH wrote me a similiar

My exNH wrote me a similiar email one time and then had the audacity within that email to say to me "After all you have put me through I deserve for you to be my friend." At that time I was stuck on the roller coaster ride and I did respond....and now I have only recently come to terms with the fact that he was a sexual predator interested in getting his sexual needs met with no intention to maintain an adult relationship. I was a mere object and now I know he is an absolute piece of shit.
Jul 19 - 9PM (Reply to #37)
running
running's picture

Hi gigi9

They are total jerks and we are only objects to them. It took me a long time to come to that conclusion but I'm in a much better place now. I really wanted to believe we were friends at the very least....not so much! All my best to you!
Jul 18 - 5PM
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

I'm just wondering, do you

I'm just wondering, do you have a male friend he doesn't know that could send him a little email in response? something to the effect of 'Yes she is the best and she's all mine. Love her, her family and everything else about her. So, FO , a**hole!and do not insult her again with your booty call request'. I can't help the need to inflict a little pain:) Or how about, 'you want fries with that?'

almostlydia

Jul 19 - 9PM (Reply to #35)
running
running's picture

fries

too funny, and yes, I have a very good friend who would love the opportunity to exchange words with him, but I don't see that happening in the near future. The farther I'm away from him the better I am. I feel sick to my stomach everytime I think about the times we had sex......ick!!!
Jul 17 - 6AM
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Making love

I noticed how he uses the term "making love" for good old-fashioned sex. Making love does involve all of that other stuff that goes along with it. Sex does not. He just wants sex. He should go to a bar and pick up some skank. I'm sure there's one drunk enough to have him.
Jul 16 - 7PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Running

OMG!!! This is total validation that you are nothing more than an object to him. What a complete ass. The sense of entitlement makes me want to vomit. I can't believe what he is saying: "Your requirement for a physical relationship included love and a future." WTF? As if this is a lot to ask for! "The good was killed by your idea of perfect." Blaming YOU! "I do lament that." Sense of entitlement! GOOD RIDDANCE! This is proof that you lost absolutely nothing here but a raging narcissist who would only make your life a living hell if you stayed with him. You deserve so much more. Be grateful he sent this note and never forget what it proves to you! xoxo
Jul 19 - 9PM (Reply to #32)
running
running's picture

Thanks Lisa

I had to read and re-read his e-mail because I was searching for some humanity in it, but I never found it. It is total validation that I was used, and I hate him for it. I've been doing great with the no contact and his e-mail makes it that much easier for me. All my best to you...And thank you!
Jul 16 - 6PM
baddream
baddream's picture

The e-mail tells all.

Isn't it wonderful when you get this kind of correspondence and it just validates what they are and how lucky you are to be rid of him. It is all about him, him, and him and how you made HIM feel. Typical N. Instead of telling me "I love you", my ex-N would say "I love how you make me feel". Meaning.... I love having all the supply you give me. Meaning... Now that you are gone I miss ("beyond my ability to describe") .... When I read things like this the anger just starts to bubble over all over again.
Jul 16 - 1PM
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Wow

What a wanker.â„¢ The sense of entitlement is just incredible isn't it? The only good thing about this is his reminding you of his wanker-y-ness. Good riddance to bad rubbish and all that and glad you've had the time and perspective to see this for what it is!
Jul 16 - 1PM (Reply to #29)
GIJ
GIJ's picture

I'll never be the same.....

HAGHAHAHA Wanker - TM I must be easy - gets me every time!! Not getting much work done!! But getting a good laugh - a cleansing laugh.....
Jul 16 - 1PM
Allie
Allie's picture

Yes, you are so right Running!

We are really lucky when we get such transparent emails or messages from our N's! Your N writes a LOT like mine did. Your N obviously wants you as his sex partner, he makes sure to tell you that you are "impossible to replace" and how like an N to use the word "replace". To him, that probably sounded like a great compliment that he was writing, but you saw right through him! He sounds so annoyed by the fact that you didn't want to be just a sex toy to him, but wanted love and emotion involved. The "good" that you supposedly killed with your idea of perfect, what an ass he is...by the "good" he means the sex. Too bad he "laments" that...what is it with N's and the 3 dollar phrases, who are they trying to impress? Oh, yeah..us, lol. Good for you Running, stay strong, re-read his transparently narcissistic email if you ever feel tempted, remember he only wants to use you sexually, he isn't capable of love like you are :) I think the whole purpose of his email is to complain about how you didn't give him the sex he wanted without the strings (which was working just fine for him, and thats all that matters)...and now he can't find supply as good as you...poor little N. He hopes you will respond and just give him what he wants...my N did this too, ignored me for awhile to punish me and soften me up a bit, then came back dangling his "carrot" and he also thought I would be missing him so much that I would settle for the little he was offering. I wasn't. Don't respond to the vampire :), and don't be surprised when you don't respond, he may send a more hurtful email out of rage that he couldn't manipulate you. He just hasn't figured out how strong you are yet...but he's going to soon :)
Jul 20 - 12AM (Reply to #27)
broken23
broken23's picture

allie - dying laughing. what

allie - dying laughing. what is it with N's and their 3 dollar phrases. lol. seriously. doused and laments. reminds me of my ex. always saying some big word. sometimes he would even say...do you know what that means? asshole!
Jul 16 - 1PM
Used
Used's picture

what an idiot

cant believe this email yet i can, how dare you want him to have feelings about love and family, when all he wants is sex how inconsidarate of you lolx what a despicable pig, let him go back to the trough,
Jul 16 - 11AM
ewa
ewa's picture

Did you emailed him first?

Did you emailed him first? Sounds a bit like a manipulative answer. He does not really miss you he is blaming you 90% of the time. If i was you i would got angry and did not answer this email. This is just sick what he wrote to you.
Jul 16 - 11AM (Reply to #21)
running
running's picture

e-mail

No, I didn't send him anything, purely unsolicited!
Jul 16 - 11AM (Reply to #22)
ewa
ewa's picture

Well in this case this is

Well in this case this is seriously sick what he wrote! For me it looks like he wants you to feel guilty and say sorry to him. 100% sure he is looking for supply. I am a little bit NC and i started to think the way i was thinking before being with N..and i can tell you this email is just a prove of him being a psycho N. Just ignore this man he is worth nothing. He does not even pretend to be normal.
Jul 16 - 12PM (Reply to #23)
outoftheblue
outoftheblue's picture

There is nothing normal abt

There is nothing normal abt this email. What is he even asking of you? To be a casual hookup at his beck and call when he's lonely and horny? And for you to like it? Yuck
Jul 16 - 12PM (Reply to #24)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Thats exactly what hes

Thats exactly what hes asking. All of the booty call with NO commitment. A Narcs dream. Supply must be low for him so hes creeping around. Girl if you respond your crazy. He could not have been more obvious as to his intentions. A little kindness and subtlety would have went a bit further don't you think???? Your no mans booty call....xoxoxo only one way to go...Forward

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Jul 16 - 11AM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

He sounds selfish

Okay, he doesn't mind the sex, in fact he enjoys it--but he doesn't want an emotional connection, knowing your family, etc? Yeah. Cut him loose.
Jul 16 - 11AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

running

"love me, love my family, love me, want to be with me every second, love me, promise me a future. Once again the good was killed by your idea of perfect." That's right. You're just impossible to please expecting your boyfriend to love you, love your family and want to be with you forever. I love how he repeated "love me" twice, like that was THE most offensive thing: expecting him to love you. Give me his email. I'll send him a response that will make his eyes bleed, the dirty son of a b*tch.
Jul 16 - 1PM (Reply to #18)
Allie
Allie's picture

Helldweller :)

I SO enjoy reading your replies! You crack me up and have me nodding in agreement at the same time, lol :)
Jul 16 - 11AM
outoftheblue
outoftheblue's picture

Wow

Somehow it's your fault that you want a complete relationship and not just a physical one? Amazing. It's got to feel good that some part of him is missing you, but you can do better than this. Healthy men in good relationships actually enjoy spending time with your friends and family and you deserve that. They too think about the future, and not just the next time you are going to have sex with them! Stay strong. He can't afford the price because he's emotionally broke.
Jul 19 - 11PM (Reply to #16)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

OUtoftheblue

I laughed when I read your response. Yes, "some part of him IS missing you". That is the key problem. There is only ONE part of him that is missing her.... I vote for eunich-izing!
Jul 16 - 11AM
seeingthelight
seeingthelight's picture

Not worthy of a response!

Wow, reading that email was like listening to my ex! There is the little hint of compliment to you in that he misses you as a lover........ a way of triggering your emotions and reminding you of that element of the relationship which is the bait he's throwing out there to you and then there is a big dollop of confidence draining, nasty criticsm that does nothing but make you feel bad about yourself! The comment I found interesting was that he draws attention to the fact that the last time he was with you he left you to go a party after getting what he wanted! That's not a way to treat someone that you care about! To me that smacks of typical N behaviour, the push pull, it's intended to make you romanticise your relationship, make you feel needy but then dependant on him all over again! My exN would always draw attention to how electric things were in the bedroom and would use sex as a weapon against me. He knew it made me weak. He would often turn up on my doorstep unannounced under the pretext of being so worried about me as I was not myself..... i.e not responding in the way he wanted me to and would then turn on the charm and get me into bed, then I would be discarded all over again! The cycle continues! I think this is a pathetic attempt to open the lines of communication again! The fact that you've posted the email here means deep down you know it wouldn't be right to respond and in fact what would be the appropriate response......? Even if you agree that the sex was great where does that leave you? That person is still arrogant, narcissistic and selfish! I would delete the email and remind yourself of why you went NC!!!!! Stick with it! xoxox
Jul 16 - 11AM (Reply to #12)
running
running's picture

e-mail

I have to admit, my first response was flattery, you know, "awe he misses me," but the more I read it the more I got it. I was an object, nothing more. I never asked him for a future, or every second of his time for that matter. I hate that he has distracted me with this e-mail, or I should say I hate that I let his e-mail distract me this way. You know, I almost called him, thank god I turned to you guys instead. Thanks for all your re-inforcing comments to remain no contact! XXOO to all of you!