Dudette's story

So there is me, married for 17 years, never strayed, never cheated ever.Church goer, married to a musician, slightly coasting but you know, resilient with it, just living my life, doing my job and raising my son...

Around two years ago, I attended a work meeting with a colleague. I was not meant to be there but she was new and needed a mentor. I got into the building and this man came out of his office, stopped and looked at me with a raised eyebrow... I was smitten straight away, turned out he was going to the same meeting. The meeting lost focus very soon and I had to take control of things.....When I got back to my office, there was an email from him. He wanted me to go back and explain a few things about what I did etc....by the way, he too is a musician. Everything he says seem to press my buttons, like a great big jackpot of soulmateness.....

A few weeks later, we are having an almost daily correspondence, mainly about music and casual things... my best friend commits suicide. I am devastated. A few weeks later, he confides in me about the issues with his marriage. His wife is an alcoholic who cheats on him and neglects his son.... I befriend him officialy and start involving him and his son into my outings with friends and family life.... he even starts playing with my husband in each other's bands....

The tension grows, the push-pull begins. originally based on the "now that your best friend has died, who looks after you? you seem to look after everyone else...." -then the real mondfuck -we will not have an affair, I want to kiss you but I won't... if you were to do this, say that, organise this hotel room.... wow! I do not do sordid and hotels are sordid!!!

Well that lasts for a few weeks/months but it becomes this obsession. We email and text every day. Every morning, 8.30. Good morning gorgeous, what are you up to? checking my FB page, clearly obsessive about me.

"why not find happiness?" he says " because it is very overrated" I respond. My mother spent her life doing that at my expense. I was groomed and abused by many of my mum's boyfriends... "but you are like an angel, you found me when I needed you, it is so meant to be..." he says....

End of push pull, I give in....and for a while, it is so perfect...well, apart from a few red flags that I choose to ignore. The hostility of his female colleagues for instance....

I keep calling him on his behaviour. I see he is controlling and tell him I think he drove his wife to drink....three times I try to walk away but the chemistry pulls me back every time....

Anyway, I try to keep it in perspective. It will end one day you know....why should it ever end? he says - Why should you and I not be together? And then the "I love you" that comes one day, teary eyed, when I was no longer expecting it....

Well that messes up everything - I ask for a separation from my husband. It all looks complicated but hopeful... one day, we txt each other, one day we shall be free to be together....

except.... except one day, a woman from his work approaches me and tells me that they have had a relationship for a year... at the same time as me....He is away at the time. When I confront him, I am told that it was my fault because I was still married at the time and could not commit to him....He knew I was seeing her, he could have warned me but chose not to. That's how I realised he was a coward....

I forgave him of course and we agreed to be engaged in principle...except... except that there is this new woman in the equation. OW saw emails that he has sent to her too during that period.... She is an old GF from school he says. Happily married but you know, he just ran on her one day and never contacted her again... until now. But it means nothing....

I am not happy with this. My mum has just done a similar thing with her first BF and they ran away together ( did I say my mum was a narc?....).

So anyway, the dynamic of the relationship has changed. I am now more suspicious. all sorts of triangulations take place. ex wife tried to warn me but he manages to keep us apart.... she has seen a pic of me and her son on the computer...

After three contraception "accidents" over 3 years and a times when he knows I am vulnerable, I am pregnant in the summer and decide to abort the pregnancy straight away. I don't ask for help, money or support. at that point we see each other every day though, for lunch, dinner or just a drink....he seems hyper committed to the relationship and very supportive...

The devaluation really occurs after the abortion. He is suddenly less available, more distant. He says, we will go out and talk about our future.

When we go out, he talks about his doubts, his insecurities, how I am perfect for him in so many ways but how he needs space to think.... not good timing for this. We have just had a banter about our wedding arrangements....

For the first time in 2 years. I hear nothing from him in 4 days. I decide that the relationship is over and he is too much of a coward to tell me. I dump him....

He hoovers back for a last meeting but my mind is pretty made up by then. Wemeet, I give him his stuff back and demand that he grows some guts and tells me it is over. He refuses....when he sees that I will not change my mind, he tells me about his feelings for the school GF. He loves me but has feelings for her too and cannot commit to me... I laugh at his face, tell him not to contact me ever again and walk out....

Then I have real conversations with OWand wife - and I discover the horrors of being married to him. What I have escaped from. I am truly in shock and total cognitive dissonance. Completely confused over the whole situation.... Naturally, as a total coward, he has applied my wishes by the book and gone totally silent....of course he is also scared of my husband who may still kill him one day....

He has cried to his wife that he has really fucked up with me, that he did like me,that he was sorry, that he wanted to keep the child etc....but would never ever give me closure. and he is 50 years old !!!!

He is now officially with old school GF - she knows about me and OW but has left her husband and children for him anyway... and he cheats on her, with someone who works with me....

It is of course a living hell......back in an unhappy marriage and blackmailed into staying in it. having lost 2 years, my love, trust, a baby, come close to disaster, nearly lost my faith.....

They call it a lucky escape.... I don't feel lucky at all....