Dreams are holding me back

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JMi
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Dreams are holding me back

I feel like in everyday consciousness i am slowly but surely starting to understand what has happened to me and the years of D&D, lies and cheating and finally him leaving me for OW.

I have been NC 4 1/2 months yet they live nearby and i do worry i'l see them as i think that emotionally i will be back to square one - i'm still physically attracted to my N and he is the only man i have ever been with (11 year relationship from the age of 17)

Here's the problem, every night without fail i dream of him or even worse both of them (she was a good friend of mine) It can be anything from being at the same party to our wedding day over again ( we got married December!!) to him begging me back................

Whatever the dream, i wake up sad and disappointed at the fact i'm obviously still obsessing about him in my head and i don't know what to do :(

victimnomore
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JMi
I know how tough it is to deal with this betrayal. But if you don't give yourself permission to feel the hurt that he has caused you it will take so much longer to heal. Please do not stuff these feelings inside. Let them out. You have nothing to be ashamed of. he is the monster and so it your ex friend. She think that she hurt you but all she did was secure misery for her own life. I missed my stbxn/p for a long time but when I really looked at it, What was I missing? He abused me in every way possible. I was a captive that could have escaped but was so brain washed and beaten down that I just settled for the life I had with him. I had finally had enough and would rather have been dead than to live one more day with him Please validate your feelings. You have a right to be sad, angry or whatever you feel. Start by honoring your feelings. He hurt you and sometimes I have to say this out loud so I can hear in my own voice what he did to me. Hang in there it does get better.

victimnomore

JMi
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Victimnomore i must honour my
Victimnomore i must honour my feelings i know, occasionally i feel like i have to act ok so that my family don't worry. They have been so supportive yet they don't understand sometimes that i'm not in the hate stage yet i'm still mourning the end of my old life even if it was shit in the last few years of our relationship ( numerous d&d then hoovering) Thats where i find this site really helps as i can let it out and say what i sometimes can't express to them. As for her (OW) i don't think she even cares that she hurt me. She is parading around where we live with her head held high - no empathy or shame for her actions or the situation we 3 are in.
victimnomore
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JMi
I feel your pain and know what you are going through. I am ending a 25 year marriage to a N/P. I am still grieving and I am NC for 9 months now. Please give it some time it does get better. i still dream about the exnarc/p but now I wake up and thank God that it was only a dream and that I am not back with him on any level. The healing process is very long and I am still dealing with memories of abuse and disrespect that I have buried inside long ago. As these memories come to mind I make a point now to feel what i need to and cry if I need to and keep moving forward until the next terrible memory surface. This is how I allow myself to feel it and grieve and then put it to rest. And yes, If another woman takes your husband the best revenge is to let her have him. Believe me she will regret it in the end.

victimnomore

JMi
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Victimnomore Sorry to hear
Victimnomore Sorry to hear you're in a similar situation I can't wait to wake up and have that same feeling - i still have the feeling of missing him I think i have switched the part of me off that wants/needs to cry and i'm trying too hard to be positive and not accepting that i can be sad and 'feel' what i need to feel if that makes sense?! I have been getting through the last few months by pretending the N doesn't exist when really i need to be ok with the fact he does and i'm not with him. I'm dreading seeing them both as it still doesn't seem real to me whats happened - i think i'd find it easier to accept if it wasn't a friend he'd run off with
JMi
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Victimnomore Sorry to hear
Victimnomore Sorry to hear you're in a similar situation I can't wait to wake up and have that same feeling - i still have the feeling of missing him I think i have switched the part of me off that wants/needs to cry and i'm trying too hard to be positive and not accepting that i can be sad and 'feel' what i need to feel if that makes sense?! I have been getting through the last few months by pretending the N doesn't exist when really i need to be ok with the fact he does and i'm not with him. I'm dreading seeing them both as it still doesn't seem real to me whats happened - i think i'd find it easier to accept if it wasn't a friend he'd run off with
Sparrow
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JMi, I too was in a long term
JMi, I too was in a long term relationship with my first N, 15 years married. I feel your pain..........the one thing that helped me every day was I posted a note on my computer monitor, since I found myself there most of my waking hours.......the note read "when a woman takes another woman's husband, the greatest revenge is allowing her to keep him". Believe it or not, those words helped me more than anything else! Good luck in your journey back to you!
JMi
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So true Sparrow - as much as
So true Sparrow - as much as right now he's wonderful, in time she'll see his true self. She used to tell me i'm too good for him - he's a loser etc...... She most definately deserves him!
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture
He told you those things for
He told you those things for reaffirmation! If you aren't falling all over them, they need to say those things so you will! Sly as foxes they are. Just keep in mind, you may very well be seeing her on this site someday. They don't change, they are never happy, whether with you or another woman. They are broken and unrepairable...........remember that always. I told mine I couldn't fix him. No one can, they don't want to be fixed. Do you know why we feel the way we do? We were disgarded like an old pair of shoes. Terrible feeling, right? They went out and got a new pair. Guess what though, those new shoes don't fit comfortably on them either! Always remember that!
Goldie
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JMi
You're still grieving, 11 years is a long relationship. Congrats on 4.5 months NC that is a big hurdle right there. I was a mess when mine ended and it was only under a year. Seems like it is never going to end when you are going through it. http://www.grief-recovery.com/ The grief recovery institue has some great material for working through the loss. Some of what we go through is also the PTSD and as we heal we begin to feel our trauma and fears which while in the relationship is difficult to do because with a PD everyday is a circus and when the cirus leaves we are left with our feelings. Obsessive thoughts are usually our minds way of delaying us from facing our feelings. The grief material helps you to get to the feelings and as those begin to come out more, in time that racing obtrusive thinking begins to settle down. Are you seeing a therapist? That might be good while you are going through this. Journaling helps to get to the feelings and release. I used to walk and dance that helped me to begin to release the trauma from my body. The two books on there which helped me were grief recovery and moving on. They are both excellent. God bless, Goldie
JMi
JMi's picture
I think you're right i do
I think you're right i do think i'm still grieving the loss of what i thought was my future even though it wasn't a healthy relationship. I also think i try too hard to move forward without dealing with my feeling - i will have a look through your link and material. I was seeing a therapist but i knocked it on the head, maybe its time for a re-visit! Thankyou for your help xxxx