Down playing our feelings

Reading about the "Ballad" episode in the first season of GLEE was so triggering it brought tears to my eyes.. the way Mr. Schuester (Matthew Morrison) treats Rachel (Lea Michele) mirrors my final D&D to an astonishing degree. This entertainment article speaks of Mr. Schue "managing Rachel's feelings" for him. How can one person MANAGE the feelings of another? Is that a delusion of grandeur much? In the "Ballad" episode, Mr. Schue humiliates Rachel, then takes her to the bedside of the comatose Suzy Pepper, who attempted suicide when he rejected her. He shows NO regret about driving someone to that. He displays her like some gruesome trophy... and shows her off "see, this is the punishment for having a crush on a teacher!" (The ex-Psych prof, during his final D&D, thought I DESERVED to be punished for having feelings for him) Suzy is described as "insane, psycho, stalkerish." Haven't some of us been described that ways? http://www.eonline.com/news/watch_with_kristin/glee_sneaks_look_whos_got_crush_on/153845 During the final D&D, I'd be sobbing hysterically, and the ex-P would stand there coldly, saying he was controlling/managing his feelings.

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/search?q=invalidation For me, the invalidation is what caused the most damage. The invalidation was another way of saying "F you, stop the meltdown and take my sht like a strong woman should." Here's more on the subject... INVALIDATION Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. Constant invalidation may be one of the most significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from unmet emotional needs later in life.(1) A sensitive child who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust his own emotions. He fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of his emotional brain-- one of nature's most basic survival tools. To adapt to this unhealthy and dysfunctional environment, the working relationship between his thoughts and feelings becomes twisted. His emotional responses, emotional management, and emotional development will likely be seriously, and perhaps permanently, impaired. The emotional processes which worked for him as a child may begin to work against him as an adult. In fact, one defintion of the so-called "borderline personality disorder" is "the normal response of a sensitive person to an invalidating environment" (2) Psychiatrist R.D. Laing said that when we invalidate people or deny their perceptions and personal experiences, we make mental invalids of them. He found that when one's feelings are denied a person can be made to feel crazy even they are perfectly mentally healthy. (Reference) Click on link above to read the entire article,,,there's plenty more.

My exN's favorite comment was "bummer". No matter what was going on...sheesh. I think my main problem was not the downplaying of my feelings, but his telling me how I was feeling! He would Tell me I was depressed, or not having any fun with the outings we would go on. If I wasn't constantly happyhappyjoyjoy I was "depressed"... eventually I WAS!

I didn't get downplayed... I'd say ignored. I emailed him this one time about some things that were going on and stressing me out. I ended it with "I'm sorry I'm being such a girl about things" His reply? "My girl :)" Not one fucking word of comfort... not even a "it'll be ok"... NOTHING! Jackass!

OMG YES YES YES YES! I never had any support from my Narc and if I had a problem I learnt quickly to be silent about it. I got the "what am I supposed to do about it." (answer: maybe a bloody hug would be nice or some support.) Me: "I didn't get the promotion at work." him: "That's because you're not assertive enough, plus this girl is probably far more smarter and charasmatic than you." Me: "Why can't I seem to get work? I'm trying really hard." Him: "Stop whinging and be thankful." Me: "Such and such really hurt my feelings and put me down." Him: "Stop bitching and get over it." Another one - "That's life, it's just the way it is." "Why am I so lonely sometimes, I feel like my friends have all left since we came back from London." Him: "That's because you're a cold person, hard to relate to and you judge people too harshly."

That sums up the final D&D. The ex-Psych prof raging, accusing me of "not taking him seriously" as I wept. Publicly. He wrote off my declaration of love as the result of stress, as a diversion, a projection. But then there comes my mother. My paternal grandmother died recently, and my mother would say "Don't be sad." I snapped back that YES, I was sad, and that was how I felt. I told her to NOT tell me how to feel. Before I met the ex-P, this was in high school, I remember writing a melancholy poem. My mother condemned it as EVIL. All I was doing was expressing my feelings... and my mother raged at me. I remember how dismissive my mother was after my final D&D. She'd pick fights over ANYTHING, even the Beatles (she was listening to conservative talk radio, still does) And she wondered why I was so vulnerable to him(?)

scoop! You always have the most amazing posts! Keep'em coming! xoxo

This is really excellent. Thank you so much for posting it. My narc-hole told me all of the things yours told you. He also tried to tell me what I should think, and even WHY I did things. "You did NOT do it for that reason, I KNOW you were thinking X when you did it." Then when I would tell him, "No, I was really thinking 'blah', he would tell me I was lying. This was pure projection on his part. HE was the person that lied like a rug constantly. One of the things in the pamphlet that really struck a cord with me (because it simply hadn't occurred to me that it was yet another form of abuse) was: "They put down their victims in public, take them out socially and then ignore them, and they prevent victims from working, going to school, or leaving the house alone." I knew that xnh putting me down in public was abuse (and he did it frequently). I knew that that part about preventing victims from working, etc. was abuse. However, for some reason it had never connected with me until I read this pamphlet that "take them out socially and then ignore them" was yet another abusive tactic. Xnh did this to me CONSTANTLY. It always upset me a lot. If I said anything to xnh about his ignoring me, he would get angry and tell me "Well, I can't always focus on just YOU. I do have OTHER priorities in my life." Everyone always rated as a higher priority to xnh than I did...especially in public. Thus, the problem (according to xnh) wasn't that he was ignoring me. *I* was the problem because I had the NERVE to say something about his behavior. For some strange reason, until I read this pamphlet, it had never occurred to me that this jackass was taking me out in public and ignoring me DELIBERATELY. I guess I just had another "aha" moment about this abusive turd. Thank GOD he's out of my life. :)

Scoop, once again wonderful words of wisdom! Mine downplayed my feelings and then turned things around and blamed me!! For sooo much! And I was a fool and blamed myself too! Thank God I have wised up!! "You werent there for me ( so I cheated on you)" "All I wanted was the girl I loved ( so I cheated on you and lied about it)" ""I wanted my kids to see what real love and a real relationship is" (so I had you to help raise them for many years and I wanted more so I cheated on you" "I just want my life back"(so Ill find an OW with more money/ connections than you) "My life has been taken from me" (I know I spent 24/7 juggling you and the OW for a year or so and I lost my business but its not fair) SO CRUEL!!

I love your posts Scoop...really insightful! my Narc told me I was always complaining and that is why he treated me badly....when in reality, I started "complaining" it was because I was being treated badly and with zero concern.... It has truly changed the person who I was...I am still so confused by it all...I want to know why someone could do this then go on with their life playing the victim and makimg me look like the bad guy....so aggravating