Doing Better, Then I'm Not

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#1 Dec 22 - 2PM
Journey
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Doing Better, Then I'm Not

I know the pain comes in cycles, I know Christmas is a hard time for me emotionally, I know it takes time to heal...

BUT, I had a great night out on Sunday and on Monday. I was with friends, meeting people, doing my own thing, I barely thought of him and I felt like me again and really happy.

Then last night I couldn't sleep, I began crying and this morning I am still crying. I thought I had finally turned a corner in this, only to find myself so upset again today.

I haven't even started my Christmas shopping yet. I was planning to do most of it today and now I feel like crap.

16 months out, after I pass the 18 month marker will I finally be able to maintain some sense of joy in my life again?!

I can't go completely NC because we started a business together and have contractual obligations, but I don't need to see him, rarely need to talk to him and our communication is mostly only through emails. I am very careful to keep things focused only on business and for now I haven't much choice but to continue this arrangement for financial reasons.

I understand well enough now (I think) about narcs to know I need to remain as detached as possible and that part is getting easier because he doesn't try at all to hoover me, but I just wish I could hold onto how good I felt Sunday and Monday.

Does that little bit of contact still mean even at 18 months I will still not be past this? Arrrgghh!

Dec 22 - 5PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

I'm so sorry you are having

I'm so sorry you are having a hard day. I too am having a teary day. I'm sorry you are in business with your N. I know, for me I cannot be in any form of contact with him. The trauma bond is too strong with him. I have to stay far away from him and never ever see or speak with him again. If you can do that too, you might be able to feel better sooner. Something to think about. Big Hugs
Dec 22 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
Journey
Journey's picture

Thanks Happy1

Being only aware since Sept that he is a narc, I didn't realize how critical no contact was until the past few months. Since then I have not given him 'feed' and he doesn't seem to care. It confuses me because I thought he would and maybe that is what is upsetting me now. The less typical of a narc he is the more I question if he really is. The more I doubt, the more sadness creeps back in. I know the bottom line is that it shouldn't matter if he is or not because he discarded our friendship/relationship nonetheless, but that doesn't stop me from hurting that he did and still feeling sad because there is so much that I enjoyed about being with him that I miss. With work, the problem is that it is my main source of income right now and there is a contract with a client that I would rather not break. For the most part it hasn't been bad because I work independently from him, but we do have to communicate fairly regularly about the work itself. Thanks for your hugs - I need them today and I send them right back to you! Journey on...

Journey on...

Dec 22 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Journey

I know if I had to work with my N, I would sit down and make a plan to get rid of that working relationship but that's just me and my stubborness and hate for my N. I know sometimes that can be impossible to do. I just know I don't want to give an ounce of myself or my energy to him again. I know I have only been away from mine for 2 weeks but as I have my teary days like today, I keep reminding myself that no matter what, he didn't make me happy. Same for you. You need to stop the doubt of him being a Narc and just answer the questions....did he make you happy? Did he make you feel good? Did you trust him completely? Did he listen to you when you needed to share? If the answer is "no" then that's all you need. Don't question your gut! I know I won't any longer. I hope your night goes better for you.