doggirl's story

I'm on the road to recovery but am now doing more research on narcs!

I'm trying to figure out if the man I dated and loved with all my heart (never loved someone so deeply) and he threw me under the bus is a narc or a commit phobe or both?

We met at my place of business, he was a weekly customer, August of 2010. We just made small talk and he was super nice. I had just started a brand new business, in fact no one in the state was doing this. So, I was trying to figure this whole new business thing out.

After six months of him coming to my business, I got up enough nerve to give him my card with a note on the back stating “If you need a study break, let's meet for a drink.” He was studying for his medical boards. I was 43 and he was 57. He was on a contract for a local high volume emergency room hospital. We both were very busy and tried to make our outings work with our schedules. We took things pretty slow, rather slow actually. We didn't kiss for at least two months. And there was the discussion about sex. He was skeptical because he knew he would be eventually moving away. His contract was ending June 2011. So, after seven months of dating and everything going smooth or at least I thought it was. A little later, I did notice a few red flags. Such as he never spent the night. It was always you didn't ask or you have to get up early. I never saw his place. He lived right next to the hospital so not the best location. He borrowed a twin bed from a friend. He is 6 feet.

He said one night, I can't date you anymore because you don't flirt or compliment me. He compared me to a bell curve and I was at the bottom. He brought up the book called the five languages of love. I never had heard of it, so I purchased it to understand it. Meanwhile, he hadn't read it himself. He had brought it up once before that I don't compliment him. He said my friends who have been married 20 years would have a better relationship if they complimented each other. Because I actually cared what he said and took a poll amongst many of my friends. And the verdict was pretty much not a lot of compliments. He brought up that I was distance. And normally he was more affectionate but wasn't with me. He didn't try to hold my hand. I did most of the initiating for kissing, hugs, sex,etc. I was completely caught off guard. I couldn't believe someone would say that, let alone someone in their 50's. I was utterly devastated, had never experienced such sadness in my life. I cried every day for about three months. I am emotional but never had a cried like this over a man. He called over the next few days and I couldn't talk to him, I was so upset. I went out of town, and had sent him a text and didn't receive it for several more days; since I had no cell service. We decided to meet after I returned. We had a great time together and talked some more. He said the same things but also you are so wonderful. I am so attracted to you. I like the way you smell, taste,etc. No one has ever said that to me. Your business is here and I'm moving it will be so hard to leave. So, off we parted.

In February of 2012, I decided to reach out to see if he was still in town because he was suppose to be moving. He was, so we reconnected. Talked and hung out, etc. He was leaving in March for Africa to volunteer for three months. We had a great time while he was here. I saw him the night before he left. We had the most intense hug I have experienced. And then we slept together.

So, out of sight out of mind mostly. I thought about him. I sent him and email to see if he arrived safely. He responded. I didn't respond back. He sent another email asking if everything was okay because I didn't respond. And he was coming back a few weeks later and that he was fine and healthy.

June 2012, he comes back and he is calling non stop. I am in the heat of my business, very very busy summer! I see him as much as I can. We have a talk in mid July. He doesn't want a commitment because he is moving. I feel sad but at least have some closure. He leaves his glasses here, so I let him know. And leave them outside my condo complex with some goodies (from my business) and a love note.
He sends a text the next day stating he is sad and he will miss me very much. Who says that after you don't want a commitment? He heads back East for a few weeks to visit his family. His parents (who are still married) and all his 8 siblings (who are all married) live their. He comes back and is calling and texting. We see each other again. He says he's never done this before. I said I was a fool, he said
he was too. He's having a good summer, biking,etc. I'm working my ass off!

End of August, he calls numerous times in one day and is texting. I have back to back events. I respond with a flirtatious text, he doesn't respond for two days. Saying, I thought I did. I catch him in a bluff, but don't say anything. I get the feeling that he meets a fellow lady friend biker because he mentions her several times. And says his friend (married 20+ years) lights up around her.

Beginning of September, they go on a long ride and she picks him up in the rental van. He comes over that night after the ride. I rub his legs and then he was complaining about his neck so I asked if he wanted me to rub it. He said no. So it is time for him to leave because he's exhausted and rode 110 miles. I sent him an angry text saying wtf? And no one has treated me so bad. He calls the next day and said my text was vulgar. And if he could come over and talk about it. I said no. So then we talked about it on the phone. I said I wanted his companionship and friends with benefits (I am so lonely owning my business). He said he loves having sex with me and couldn't get tired of it. And he would let me know in two weeks. He was going out of town again. He calls when he gets back and says he would love to see me. I am super swamped and also have a massive toothache. He calls everyday and checks to make sure I am doing okay.

Beginning of October, he helps me move something for my business. We spend all day together, have sex etc. I don't hear from him for over a week. This is unusual. He called me or texted pretty much every day all summer when he was in town. Even after he didn't want a commitment or to date me. He texts me on my birthday, I don't respond. I'm trying not to give him too much attention so I can move on. A few days later, mid October, I sent him an email because I ran into someone he knows, small world. He calls a few days in a row, I'm busy and call him back a few days later. He wanted to come over I said no and would call him in a few days which I didn't. He says I thought you were dating someone else because I know you are looking and that's why I didn't call him.

Mid November, he comes over right before he leaves back home for Thanksgiving. We have a great time like usual. He makes himself comfortable like normal. We have sex. He is incredibly affectionate with tons of kissing. He sends me a text for Thanksgiving. We exchange texts.

Beginning of December, he comes home, sends a text. He comes to my place of work, we hang out for hours, have a good time, run errands. I drop him off he kisses and hugs me goodbye. I don't hear from him for a week, I send him a text I want to say goodbye as in goodbye forever. And he says where are you going? We exchange back and forth and he says he is going skiing in Whistler. I said
new lady friend. He says no with this guy he hikes with. He gets back and keeps calling and texting. I am busy. I said why don't you come over, he said he is busy. And wants to hang up abruptly and says I need to sleep. I call him back because I was furious. Why keep calling and then not want to do something. I said I was done. He said he would come over the next day because he was leaving again to go skiing. He was kind of rude, saying that he didn't want to do sex with benefits because it gets too complicated for one (meaning me). We kiss and hug. He said that is why he is having a hard time because I am so hot. I was pissed again. So a few days later, I send him a goodbye/love email. He calls a week later and says he didn't check his email. He comes over it is the Sunday before Christmas. We talk and have a good time, he is comfortable, he even kisses me out of the blue, he never does that. I say how sweet and thank you. He says I smell good. We have sex. He leaves and hugs me and says Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. He is leaving the next morning to go home. He sends me a Happy New Year text. I was out of town. We are texting most of the day.

Beginning of January, he calls on his home phone because he forgot his cell phone at his parents. He wants to meet for pizza. We get dessert and grab a movie. We have sex, before we do I say I will only have sex with you if you aren't having sex with anyone else. He says okay. After we have sex, he says I can't have sex anymore, but we can be friends. I'm not getting what I want he says. I was floored! Okay! Seriously? I didn't understand, you don't want a commitment, to date, and now you don't want to have sex. Isn't that what all guys want? I said we're done. He said why don't we talk about it in a few days. I said no. goodbye. And that is the last time I saw or talked to him.

I know that this has nothing to do with me. It is difficult for me to understand. I don't know why he would want to throw an amazing woman out the door? He still has no job; it's been almost two years. Why would he find and date someone else if he is moving and has no job. Most of his family and friends are married. He hasn't been married. He won't open up to me and I revealed some things of my past, no big deal but still let him know. I opened up my heart, home,etc to him. I am moving on slowly, it is just a sad situation.

Question, should I try to reach out to one of his female friends who is a counselor? And let her know that he may need intervention? I didn't meet any of his friends. He really didn't know anybody since he was moving out here for a 15 month contract. I'm curious on her story. And it may help me move on.

All my friends who met him, said he was too good to be true, he has a bad vibe, he is a commit phobe and he is awkward. I went to a card reader and she said he has intimacy issues and we are super attracted to each other and when he leaves I am bleeding. He is a pain machine and no contact.

There's more, but this is most of it.