They are afraid of being exposed, but how much does that keep an N from attacking?
I left my N, after one final attempt (a very emotional, heartfelt and desperate one) to get him to feel something. Anything....
I cut off all contact, and not only, was able to block him in such a way that unless he wants to get on a plane and fly about 25 hundred miles, he can't get to me physically.
The internet is his avenue of supply, and I am afraid, his avenue of attack too.
However, just recently I have spoken with my family about the relationship, and all are ready to support me 100%, that includes legally if he tries to slander me. (What he does know about me is not slanderous to be revealed, but if he exxagerates, or embellishes, etc...)
Much luck to all here, we've all been through a special kind of torment, and seeing that others have experienced the same helps me to know that I am not insane, and it was all very real.
*hugs*
My narc had the special quality of being whiny even while bullying me. He made me feel horrendous on several occasions by saying that he didn't feel "safe" with me, as though I were a fundamentally bad or dangerous woman, and he would label me "the darkness" and other such endearing epithets.
I don't know if that's the sort of fear you were talking about, but he pretended to be afraid of me if he thought it would make me out to be a mentally disturbed woman unworthy of his love -- that is to say, if he thought it would make me feel horrible about myself and provoke me into another round of groveling for his forgiveness.
Now, in the aftermath of D&D, I think he really may fear me for having unmasked him.
dulcinea- I didnt think of fear from that viewpoint of Narc trying to make me out to be the horrible human. that could be part of it too.
this is more related to threats I made to him of exposing.. which it took me a long time to reach that point- because it is not like me - usually I am the type to just let things play out ...eventually these Narcs do themselves in... doesnt take much.
I guess though he was trying to say that I intimidate him as if I am the bully... and he couldnt take much more of it...as if I was just reacting out of nowhere.
They fear our ability to see through their facade just as much as they do our reactions, or more, is my view. Like Raskolnikov in "Crime and Punishment" they are obsessed with being "found out", to the point that they almost crave it or bring it about. But I think they also fear us because we are subject to things beyond their ken - REAL emotion, for example. Very unsettling to a machine, emotion!
Had nerves of STEEL and was not at all upset by others showing emotion - he was sometimes even nice about it - just never got emotional himself (except when I ran into one of his old GFs who warned me about him). He said "people say alot of things about me that are not true" as if to imply others are jealous of him and spreading false gossip.
Technically, they are just so attached to their own self but they can still be available to fear. I mean, it is one thing to love yourself but it is a different story when talking about fearing the opposite person. That is what is displayed in my relationship to say the least. They are still very capable but things depend on the intensity or level at which they operate.
They are petrified.
They know they can not fool you forever because they have repeatedly failed their entire life at relationships. They live in constant fear of the end which is inevitable.
By appearing mysterious and creating distance through ST they can prolong the relationship.
The longer it goes on they start getting more scared because how long can they keep it up?
When the other person starts to question things. it's time to bail.
It's easier to start over than to keep dodging bullets.
I think as they age it's easier just to become a hermit. as they have been through enough of the same and they just don't have the energy to play the game.
They live in total fear of being found out.
You are right on Ruby! This described my situation to a T! He would never hoover me. I gave it to him in the end and told him I knew about his NPD and and PA and being a sociopath! He disgusts me now!
WELL put, they are petrified and mine in his late 60's is just that, a hermit living in a tiny town when no one really knows him, he has no energy to put on the false persona, he said after he left my state that I was exhausting him, why , I was not even around him, because he did not want to put up the fake front anymore
onwithmylife-
haha- that is exactly what this narc told me I exhaust him! he too is a hermit- just spends time inside on the couch -claims to be depressed . but like someone said depressed because he can no longer hide behind his mask any longer. depressed because he sees everyone as out for themselves... because they dont put up with his behaviour. not depressed because he hurt me or hurt others. depressed because he knows how this is going to go.... he eventually lets everyone down (and i think he told me that once) his fear was letting me down too. whatever.
Mine said he was depressed when his first wife left him over 20 years ago but yet he has NOT ac clue as to why she left him, he cannot look inward at himself, MISSION IMPOSSIBLE.. 5 failed relationships and he has not a clue, just go blame all the different women..........when i asked him who is the common denominator did he ever rage at me via letters.............
you know my ex told me if our relationship ended he would not get into another one, because he said he would not have the time and and energy to TRAIN someone else!
mine said quote " After this relationship, I will NEVER EVER look for another, its too much work"..translate : It takes too much to train another victim. But low and behold, he already has OW for 3 years on the side he has been prepping. Dear God, save her soul!
That's tragically hilarious and so pathetic-- it does feel like I was training to conform to his every twisted wish, though!
Mine just sent an email trying to engage me in a conversation stating that he has some I'm sorry's and "feedback" for me. Sounds like a performance review to me!
I think mind enjoys training, and has a couple of relationships left in him before he has to leave town or become a hermit.
You know he is sick and bad, and he knows he is bad news. He know that he has wronged women before you and is doing it again. Looking good to others is what matters to him more than life. Therefore, they do intensely fear us blowing their cover.
Funny that they don't fear being a f___ked up person, losing love, or what it might mean to have these weird problems - they only fear loss of fake image and we have the power to bust them.
they are very afraid of all women and i believe it goes back to his mommy, his anger and fear of her and what she turned him into, but not letting him break away from her as a young boy. He told me he was fearful of all women many years ago in a phone conversation, he said it like it was deep little secret of his and said no more after that, even though I told him he doesn't have to be afraid of me............
Strangly fear is one of the very few emotions they can feel along with anger . They fear exposure more than anything else , they also fear abandonment , they will abandon but if you dare to leave before they have finished feeding off you they absolutly hate it . Scoop x
Scoop has it right. They fear having their "respectability" ripped away. Mine? He leaves me alone. He knows that I have been in contact with his ex-wife & with the woman who replaced me. He knows that I know what a liar & a manipulator he is.
And I revealed it to his lawyer because I had a photograph (taken by the woman who replaced me) of an object which he said was "broken" (but which he stole from me). She photographed the object while she was reflected in a mirror photographing the object (like a dated newspaper--she came after me & the object still existed after the date of his e-mail that it was broken). I never got my object back but his lawyer sent my laywer a cash reimbursement. Heh! Heh! I wish I could have been a fly on the wall. I bet he was FURIOUS when he saw the photograph!
I'll never hear from him again. I know too much.
Just projection. My exn used to say he didn't trust me when he was the untrustworthy one. He was afraid I was stealing; he was stealing from me. He thought i might be a liar but he lied profusely. He feared I was cheating; him again.
If he thinks you're scary, I'd be a little afraid... He's probably capable of doing some really frightening things.
"If he thinks you're scary, I'd be a little afraid... He's probably capable of doing some really frightening things."
he brags sometimes that he made a grown man cry before.... i used to think who cares.
He is afraid I will expose him - I told him once if you have done nothing wrong to me you dont have anything to worry about.
he claimed when we would fight he would be depressed on the couch (umm dont believe that one either)
he also almost always asks to be left alone.... then will have to announce and often thank me for leaving him alone. If I reply he will say it is good to hear from me. It is the strangest thing really. If someone tells me to leave them alone I do just that.
my first nxbf- would project onto me everything he was doing, cheating, lying etc. it was crazy...and im so beyond glad I got out of that one when I did.
but this narc is a bit different.... more open about his inner thoughts... as if he was diagnosed and he knows what he is.
It is good to know
My narc had the special
dulcinea- I didnt think of
They fear
Not mine
Technically, they are just so
I think they are more than afraid
ruby
Ruby01
onwithmylife- haha- that is
Destiny
ruby01
same words
OMG!
I know
Exposure is all they fear
destiny
Strangly fear is one of the
Fear of Exposure
Exactly!
Probably
"If he thinks you're scary,