Do you think they are calculated?

This one made me think a little....Yes, I do think they are calculated. My N gave me vague information at the beginning of our relationship - i.e. why he got divorced, he was seeing someone (only 1 person then), etc. He would tell me more about his life the longer we were together and when he knew he had me "hooked". Once hooked he opened up more. I know he didn't want to scare me away. When we were physically together, he told me he had "fantasized" about our night together and had thought about it a long time. Whether that's true or not is irrelevant but he did control the whole evening and made sure his needs were taken care of. I think because they are SO controlling and manipulative, whether they are aware or not, they follow a game plan to hook the next victim. They intuitively know what to say and do based on what stage they are with someone. I also believe that if their "bait" doesn't react as "planned" they have a counter reaction planned, etc., to continue to ensure they get what they want. I have just never been around someone so covertly manipulative...

Hi Amazed, spot on be blessed k

Hi Deidre, here is the link to the thread I believe you are referring to - http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/06/06/narcs-concept-time

Mine told me towards the end, that in the beginning, when he was pursuing me, he KNEW he had to do things JUST RIGHT and be very careful in order to not scare me off. He also said he knew exactly what he needed to do and there was no doubt in his mind he would "have" me. At some point in time he so kindly let me know that when he said, "I haven't loved anyone since high school," he really meant, "I haven't loved anyone since high school.... UNTIL J_______" (the previous OW). He always maintained that he never loved his wife of 25+ years and only married her because she was pregnant, and that the last time he truly loved someone was his first love in high school where his heart was broken for the first time. Now when he used this line on me, the implication was he hadn't been in love since then until NOW, until ME. And then tells me later, it was until previous OW. "It was true," he said. "I hadn't loved anyone since high school." In his twisted little mind, he was telling the truth, but just left out that one little part. I said to him, "You told me that in the context of telling me you loved me. You knew I would think you were talking about me, and that's what you implied. If it wasn't true, why would you even say that?" And he said, "To win your heart." Last Halloween he posted some pictures of himself at a party on FB where he had taken all these different pictures with different women. Nothing happened with any of them, but he was looking like a player and a playboy nonetheless. He looked like he could have been "with" any one of these women that night, but they were married or there with dates, so he wasn't, but you couldn't tell that from the pictures. In one of them, he had his arms around this woman kind of hanging on her and I flipped! I hadn't heard a peep from him all weekend and all of a sudden these pics hit the newsfeed Sunday night. I called him crying and all upset. I couldn't believe he did that to me. He told me when he saw the pic of him with his arms around this woman, he thought it might bother me. So what did he do? He POSTED it, thinking it might upset me. At the time I just thought he was incredibly insensitive and dense. But recently I found out from a mutual friend that later that night, he met her and some other friends at a bar and he told her he was concerned about my feelings and about posting things that would upset me. Then he told her how pissed I was about the pictures from the party and he was SMILING as he told her. She noticed the incongruity of his statement and his actions and pointed it out to him, but he didn't respond. So now I know it wasn't just some thoughtless move on his part, he posted those pics on purpose to hurt me, knowing exactly how it would make me feel. He continued doing that sort of thing. He did it again with pics from another party the following weekend. And now that I look back, they were definitely D&D's, but it's almost as if they were dress rehearsals for the BIG one he did at the end where he posted all his pics with the new GF. So yes. I believe they are very calculating.

From DAY 1. They KNOW your fate, and have played this game many many times before with other people, and have sent them through the same heartache, the same devastation, the same loss. To them it is easy. It is matter of following a couple of steps to exploit, and destroy those around them. That is all they do, 24/7 From the moment they introduced themselves to you, to the next call, to the next get together, to the playing games and telling you sweet lies, to the break up. They play the game for years, with mulitple people, on a level you could never phantom And I am not kidding. The calculating of a planned killer is akin to the n/psychopath, however you do not see them as a killer because they are you 'boyfriend' 'boss' 'coworker' 'neighbor' until you get involved with them, and learn that they are truly screwed up, and all they do so seek and destroy. Yes, even their own family. They calculate all their moves, until the final one. They play by their owne rules. Therefore, no one can ever relate or befriend them.

But Dierdre, you ask here if we think he is calculating, and if one of us here says yes they are calculating, then that would confirm to you that he is thinking about you, which can give you a glimmer of hope, even if if you think he is trying to do you harm you get a glimmer of hope. I think you want for him to be thinking about you, and I understand that sooooo well. But you have to look at the reality of things. He's a sick, sick man who is threatening to expose some very sensitive material - your body. You're in a tailspin from breaking that NC and every time he responds to you, you get some ray of hope that he loves you. This is not someone who has an ounce of love in his pinky for anything that moves. Re-read your other posts from tonight - he has threatened your privacy in the worst way possible. Please don't ever have contact with this man again - you are exacerbating the situation by talking to him in any way, shape or form. He sounds like a true psychopath Dierdre. I mean it.

some of it is calculated in my N's case, the lying, the mind games, etc but some of it is that he lives in a world of his own making and he thinks he can control everything and keep his NS on a string indefinitely...I think he's genuinely puzzled when things don't turn out right a few things he said showed me that he's also completely uncaring about anyone else's feelings for example, he thought it was "comical" that there was a women blogging that he thought he would marry her because he wouldn't sleep with her. He thought it was funny that she believed the lines he fed her about "let's not sleep together until we are married"...he thought that was funny! grrr what an ass!

Yes and no. Its all crazy. Hunter