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  5. do you tell them about NC or just do it?

do you tell them about NC or just do it?

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#1 Jan 6 - 3PM
angie
angie's picture

do you tell them about NC or just do it?

I'm just trying to get a consensus about whether it is better to tell my N that I am going to initiate no contact, or just do it. We don't live together or have any issues that would cause us to 'have' to communicate, i.e. kids together...in fact we are almost already at no contact as I've been D&D'd for a while now...but I'm debating if I should just see how long it takes for him to try and contact me, and let him wonder, or send an email explaining that I don't want to hear from him and won't be responding to any communication. I see pros and cons to both, but Is there a general 'better' way or is it totally situational? any thoughts?

thank you so much
angie

Jan 6 - 4PM
angie
angie's picture

no 'last one' it is!

thank you everyone, all VERY helpful replys :)I do see that any contact at all would be feeding his ego, and I certainly don't want to give him ANY satisfaction..i really like the idea of him wondering why i won't talk to him, and for him to contact me first so i can ignore him. I think I will write the 'email' that I would like to send, expletives and all, and then print it out and burn it..there's just a part of me that wants to say whats in my heart but there's no need for him to actually read it, as he wouldn't get it anyway. Its more a matter of me getting myself mentally ready for this final step...i want to make sure i don't go back. I do see that I am lucky to be able to make a clean break, every day that he doesn't contact me is actually one more day of clarity. Its truly a blessing, when the trash takes itself out ;)
Jan 6 - 4PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I think it's different

I think it's different for everyone. For me, I was a mess and didn't know what I wanted for a (short)while, so when I responded to his e-mails, I was vaugue and said that I just needed to just think. I'm pretty sure in the last e-mail I responded to - I said something like, "I think it's a good idea if we don't talk a while". I left it at that because I was very afraid at the time of retailiation. Not sure what he could really do, but those were my thoughts. I never told him off or anything..or told him what I knew he was. I just kind of faded away... Then...nothing. No responding to him for the next 5 months, and his contact to me stopped.
Jan 6 - 3PM
stives23
stives23's picture

I think it is kind of

I think it is kind of situational. But in your situation, I wouldn't say anything and just change your number and go no contact. If you send him an email randomly saying you are going to stop talking to him, even though as you said you practically are barely speaking now, then that is going to be an ego boost for him. He will think you're still thinking about it to the extent that you go out of your way to send an email to him. I was kind of put in the same situation 2 months back when I was D&D. I wanted him to contact me so I could tell him to buzz off, or ignore him completely. But like I've learned, if you sit around waiting for him to contact you, you're holding yourself back from moving on because you're waiting. I decided I was going to go no communication without saying a word. So I think it kind of depends, but in your situation, I wouldn't bother waiting, or bother sending anything. That will just feed his ego.
Jan 6 - 3PM
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

I sort of see that as

I sort of see that as contact, telling him that you aren't going to contact him. So it seems like a better idea to do as Carolyn advised and see if he contacts you. Then tell him about NC. How incredibly luxurious it looks from here to have the option to go utterly NC. I know nothing is easy in recovering from these gruesome relationships but as someone who had children with an N, it sounds like heaven on earth to me to have the option of such a clean break!
Jan 6 - 3PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

Why don't you just initiate

Why don't you just initiate No Contact and then if he does contact you explain you have decided that you would prefer not to have any more contact with him. They adjust your communication world to fit the No Contact model.
Jan 6 - 3PM
BlueMoon
BlueMoon's picture

Hi, I just changed my cell

Hi, I just changed my cell and home numbers on a Sunday night without warning. I was D&D'd again the week before, but he was still looking forward to raking me over the coals some more. When Narc couldn't reach me, he came over, I didn't let him in and I told my son to close the shades. Narc stood outside for 20 minutes, threw a snowball, wrote a stupid two line email, and that was it. I blocked him on email too although I don't see him wanting to talk to me now. I think without warning is you taking back control. It's really none of his fucking business. He just wants to keep you as a mouse in his tiger teeth and toss you around some more.
Jan 6 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
time_to_move_on
time_to_move_on's picture

yes....agreed

Just do it. Don't bother telling them. I know it probably seems "normal" to explain to them, but I don't think they operate like that. I can remember some narc I went out with years ago, telling me about when an ex-gf had texted him and said "do not contact me ever again". He looked a bit shocked but he was laughing as he told me. At the time I thought "what could he have done to warrant that?" I soon found out ;) And block, as BlueMoon says. It's actually quite nice to not know they've been in touch.... I did it with email and it's liberating. Don't feed them, let them get on with it.
Jan 6 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

JUST DO IT!!!

http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/12/22/what-no-contact-means ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website