Do you still feel like you're "The One" for him?

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#1 Mar 29 - 9PM
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Do you still feel like you're "The One" for him?

Does anyone here have the illusion, or should I say real true feeling that you really are the one that he truly loves?

Mar 30 - 9PM
kerellen
kerellen's picture

i used to

up until recently i truly believed that i was THE ONE he truly loved but...after 30 years of back and forth and back and forth (not married this last time, thank god) i finally understood who i was dealing with. i do feel like i KNOW him better than anyone, truly know him. he has a new gf, i was replaced AGAIN. come on now, really! that hurt but a light came on somewhere in my being and i realized that i don't ever want him back. wow, what a revelation for me! don't get me wrong, i am hurt, sad and angry and embarrassed. the" love story" is over" (magical thinking) LOVE STORY???? what in hell??? what love story?? what was i thinking all those years??? all i wanted was him and our lives and a happy ending. BUT i do have a happy ending and i am finally, truly, over him. it is not easy but it is, if that makes any sense. peace
Mar 30 - 5PM
onwithmylife
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answer to the question

There is NO ONE for the NARC, in reality, not even himself whom he hates!!!
Mar 30 - 5PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

No!!!!

I'm glad I wasn't the woman who moved in with him, bore his kids, THEN married. I've read plenty about the Tolstoys' marriage, which the ex-Psych prof wanted to emulate with me (since he&I had a similar age difference to Leo&Sofia)... and I'm glad I wasn't the One. He wanted wife who'd be completely subservient-who'd become a rude, fat slob like him (because that's how Natasha changes in "War and Peace") I wasn't going to be his Barbie. I wasn't The One for him.
Mar 30 - 4PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yes, I am the ONE

I am the one that he takes out his self loathing and hatred out towards, the one that he needs to project all his insecurities, doubts and fears on...the one that is treated with hatred and abuse in his campaign of subjugation and degrading although done with just the right finesse...subtle enough so that it undetectable...I am the one that he can use as a convenient target to destroy because he is a mysogonist...I am the one that he can take all his hatred towards his mother out on because she failed to protect him. I am the one he can pretend to love because he is an empty shell a walking void and I am the one that he needs to use to triangulate with to use as a tool to screw up, denegrade and destroy then discard others with...yes, it truly is a special kind of relationship....I am the one...yes the ONLY one just like all the other ones in his harem. Gee, that makes me feel so special...to have my mind, my body and my soul raped...oh yes, I do feel I am the one...just like all the others...because I am just soooo special and I really feel good about myself to get such validation from such a sick and disordered individual. Yes I am the one...the one in a long trail of victims... I am the one that sees right through him and have thrown those rose colored glasses away a long time ago...I don't have a death wish and to delude myself into thinking I am the one, to want to be the one knowing what I know now, I would have to say if I still thought I was the one, or wanted to be the one...then maybe I'm sicker than he is only because I do have the ability to reason and feel and despite having this over him, if I still decide to want to hold the high prized title of being the one....then maybe I'm sicker, more diabolical, convulded and in more need of help...than he is... Now that I think about it...no I'm not the one...and I thank God for that every single day...
Mar 31 - 1AM (Reply to #22)
dudette
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Michele

Great post -thank you!
Mar 31 - 1AM (Reply to #23)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

dudette

my pleasure;)
Mar 30 - 4PM
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yes and No

Yes in my magical thinking sense. No, because EVERY girl he is with thinks that. I was just stupid enough to last the 'longest' due to my magical thinking. Although I am officially discarded now, he will try and contact me after I move. I give it about six months after I move until he hoovers and tried the 'your my best friend' crap. But not because I am 'the one' but because he says what he needs to to try and get something from me.
Mar 30 - 2PM
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Oh, no way. Absolutely not.

Oh, no way. Absolutely not. I'm not his mommy, or his hideous P daughter. Thus, I'm not "special" enough to ever be "the one". lol. The only way I'm "the one" would be that I'm "the one" that he most recently cheated on and dumped. I'm the "the one" he verbally abused and threw things at for the past 16 years. I am "the one" that loved him (a one-way street, of course), and after being divorced from him for the past 10 months, I am "the one" that just filed a third harassment complaint against him at work this morning. So on that note, it's now my understanding that I'm going to be "the one" that management is moving my office next week to a different floor in the building to keep xnh away from me. I'm not necessarily upset about management moving me upstairs because I think it will improve my work environment immensely. Currently I work in the office right next door to xnh. I absolutely detest being constantly butted up against him. Xnh can't fart without me hearing it. However, it does really frustrate me that xnh has endlessly harassed me covertly (and sometimes NOT so covertly) ever since the D&D, and I'm getting moved because he's behaving like a horse's butt. He'll still be sitting in the same office pretending to all within hearing that he "drove me out of the lab". Oh what a feeling of power for him! Barf. Sad to say, it does seem to be a narc trait that they cause huge paths of destruction and pain for others to cope with, and then they just waltz blissfully onward without a backward glance at the carnage in their wake. Grrrr. So I guess if I ever was "the one" to xnh, it most likely was just an illusion in my mind (exactly like how xnh portrayed himself was a complete charade). At one point, I did actually think I was someone special to him, but he's disordered and not capable of truly loving me. I'm now "the one" that will remain firmly forever NC with him, and move onward into a better life without him in it. :)

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Mar 30 - 10PM (Reply to #19)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

mystwomen

Love it! Great post!
Mar 30 - 12PM
It'sAllAboutMeNow (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Maybe...

Maybe but only because I think I was the only one to call him out on all his bullshit. I really believe I dented his ego and he was pretty angry with me at the end. I've read that they are drawn to strenth and so even though he stays away now, I have this feeling he will come around and try to charm his way back in again. In the meantime I'm working on my weaknesses and making sure I have the ammo and strength to to deal with it.
Mar 30 - 7PM (Reply to #16)
MandyM
MandyM's picture

I'm not sure how to feel

I'm not sure how to feel about this. I stood up to him and called him on his BS every single time toward the end, to the point where that's why I believe he ultimately left. But even his last few communications with me were complimentary. Even in trying to defend himself to my (true) accusations of the crap he was pulling, he didn't rage, didn't belittle, didn't attack. The very last conversation we had regarding a situation I was dealing with, he took it upon himself to contact a friend of his to help me and then said, "You're smart - you'll be able to figure it out." As far as I can tell, I'm one of the very few exes he has who refused to keep him in her life. I deleted him from my FB. When he left, I didn't chase him - the few communications he had after that were initiated by him, except for the one e-mail I sent right afterward telling him exactly how sh*tty what he'd done to me was and how I hadn't deserved it (he ignored that completely, of course). He has no idea how messed up I was by his abrupt leaving. From his standpoint, I was a strong b*tch. Good God, PLEASE don't tell me this means he might have actually LIKED that and plans to turn up again at some point!
Mar 31 - 1AM (Reply to #17)
dudette
dudette's picture

Mandy

Same worries here.. the noym way is NC for people like us because we cannot second guess them. However, we can be sure that if they are back, it will not be good news....
Mar 30 - 2PM (Reply to #15)
strongerthanever
strongerthanever's picture

Ditto! My exN mother said I

Ditto! My exN mother said I have been the only one to really challenge him. I spoke up for sure and I didn't go away quietly. At one time I thought i was the one for him. But, he is not worthy of me. I am a better catch in all areas than him. I've achieved more than he and his childbride combined. He will never be able to land a woman like me in his lifetime. He lost out on a good thing and whether he realizes it or not, I really don't care. He needs someone to accept the little breadcrumbs, believe his lies, worship the ground he walks on and not give him any problems when it comes to his son/family/issues and follow everything he says. He needs someone that chats up a storm with useless information, is happy regardless of how crappy they are being treated, blind, and naive. THAT is not me! He is not the kind of man I deserve to have in my life. He has a history of using people and I dont have friends in my life that treat others this way so why would I want to be married to one?
Mar 30 - 12PM
momoya
momoya's picture

No

But I would say that I believed that he really loved me and I decided to trust him and that was my 1st big mistake.

momoya

Mar 30 - 12PM
ABC0311
ABC0311's picture

Yuck...

I don't WANT to be the one that he loves. I want him to hurry and find someone else so he will GO AWAY!
Mar 30 - 7AM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

NO... I don't feel he truly

NO... I don't feel he truly knows what that is.
Mar 30 - 7AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

the "one?"

I have always thought that I "got" him more than anyone else so he sort of has a strange fear/attraction about me. I think he s fascinated by how passionate I was about him--good and bad--and I think he's impressed that I found out so much about his other lives. It's quite sick really. I do know that I'm the only woman he won't speak to. He patched it up with all the others. I think in his mind hate and love are the same thing, and yeah, I think I'm the one he hates the most. I think down the road he will idealize me again, after I've moved away and am not actually around or real in any way. He will probably use the memory of me as an excuse to cheat on the new women, rationalizing that they aren't as good as me, as smart or tough as me, etc etc
Mar 30 - 12PM (Reply to #10)
exhausted
exhausted's picture

This sounds exactly like me.

This sounds exactly like me. I am the only woman he won't talk to. A few weeks ago he actually told me that he has no clue what to say to me anymore. That was one of our last conversations. i am the only one out of all thewomen who knows the whole truth. Even his wife doesnt know everything. She only knows about 1 of the women and thinks it was over years ago. In reality it is still going on. There are 3 other girls besides us. It's a joke and I found it all out and he knows I did. I think you are right about love and hate being the same and right now he definitely hates me only because I will not allow him to love me anymore. I too know it is only a matter of time before he tries to come crawling back. PATHETIC!
Mar 30 - 12PM (Reply to #8)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

interesting comment

I can relate but I do not think he respects me. I never told him the dirt I knew about his secret life and only told him off once in 2004 and broke up with him for a summer. he never called and then passively took me back a few months later. He does not speak to ANY of his old girlfirends including me! And I was not vey threatening. I think it is too painful for him to face the damage he has caused to others or maybe too shallow to bother with used supply?
Mar 30 - 4PM (Reply to #9)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Poltergeist

I think the ex-Psych prof avoids me because he knows that not only would I force the facts of the damage he caused on myself&others onto him, but that I'd probably enjoy the process. He's also paranoid. Profoundly paranoid. He couldn't stand it when I was part of the senior skit... that ridiculed him. When a classmate&I played a minor prank, pretending to be cousins, he didn't know which way was up. I'd enumerate his lies, his abuse, and he'd have to listen to me lecture. Endlessly. His emotional boundaries would be routinely and wantonly violated. I'd force him to face the TRUTH- and relish the process. Because he did see it in person. He probably thinks facing me would be like facing Medea (who cast spells&used potions on people) or Circe (who turned men into animals for her menagerie) It's a bizarre form of respect. For an N/P, hatred&admiration are the same thing. The ex-P EXPECTED me to hate&admire him simultaneously. So I assume he's doing the same. He called me a poltergeist back in the day. Any paranormal investigator would know that you don't mess with poltergeists, because they are pranksters. They throw things around. Above all, they don't care. The ex-P would say I was like a poltergeist that tosses crockery at him.
Mar 29 - 9PM
Finally Faced It
Finally Faced It's picture

Yes and No...

I feel like he idealizes me as the unattainable one who would be his true love "If only this..." and "If it weren't for that..." I've read that Narcs will do this. Always on the hunt for the perfect love that will finally satisfy them. I flip-flop between being his Madonna and his Whore... and in his mind (I get the impression that) he thinks I would be the perfect combination for him. And, guess what? It's all been a "cyber-affair" for two years. We haven't seen each other in person since high school (20+ years). When we had the chance, he blew me off! Oh, he *really* wanted to see me but it was just bad timing...he must have been busy rescuing drowning puppies and doing volunteer yard work for an elderly woman. What a guy! Uh-huhhhh. He's gotta keep the fantasy alive...and the supply drip coming on exactly his terms. Oddly, he has never D&D'd me. He's done some crappy things, but has always come back within days, never said a mean word and readily admitted that he never wants "what we have" to end. Makes no sense. I'm so done! Peace & contentment to all, FFI
Mar 29 - 9PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

yes!

i still go back and forth on this - thinking deep down I am the one he loves and he is off playing and showing off - but then I remember that all he does is play - there is no real slef and he HATED having a conventional relationship with me - he tried and he was restless and unhappy - he never really really liked to share of himself. He never once discussed his hopes, his dreams, his fears, his soul - always was hiding and secretive... Yet this was the closest relationship he ever had and the most distant I ever had....I really accepted his craziness 100%... I am not the one - he did show some feeble concern via text in the Fall when he was silently dumping me long distance - but I think that was to feel like a good guy (the holiday wishes...). He has blocked me out of his mind. I am jealous that we cannot do the same.
Mar 29 - 11PM (Reply to #5)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

to block him out of my mind would be bliss

oh how I wish I could block him out...having experienced this kind of man before I know in time I will. and so will you.
Mar 29 - 9PM
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

patiencegoal

I did for a long time. The last few weeks made me realize how wrong I was. He's planning on marrying a girl he met in January!!! He made me think I was the love of his life and he would never find anybody else like me. Guess what. He told the new GF the exact same words. So YES, I believed for a long time I was the one for him. It was a total illusion on my part and a very big painful LIE.
Mar 29 - 11PM (Reply to #2)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

so painful sara smile

It's amazing how they do that. My most recent narc actually had the woman he told me he was through with end up in a bar with he and I out on a date only to force me to introduce myself to her, and, as his friend. Of course my being married made it PERFECTLY reasonable for him to do that to me and he told me that. At that point I had already told my poor husband I was leaving him or at least wanted to. That's how hooked I was. And I believe he is most likely engaged to this woman now or some other woman. But I will never forget HER reaction to me! Man was she pissed. And it was so clear they had a commitment, and the whole time he was telling me how much he loved me. So you can be sure he is putting her and any other woman through the same incredible hell as I experienced. And I wanted so badly to be "the one". I think therein lies the attraction to these men...the challenge to be the best one in the harem is so hard to resist...it's human nature. I think I need to post on this one.
Mar 30 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
dudette
dudette's picture

The one but not in a good way

I am the one who caused him the most trouble. I would not keep the affair secret and even told my husband and our church leader about him, testified against him in his divorce proceedings, was asked to provide a statement against him when a woman at work made a complaint and I warned the new GF....I am the one who would not let him control me or my money, aborted his child without his permission or asking for help and dumped him. I am the one who is doing so well at work right now against all odds and through sheer determination, the one that got away very lightly really, the one he cannot get to or get information about. The one that's just disappeared NC into thin air after exposing him for what he is. The one who he knows used the word sociopath to describe him.....the one who said to his abused wife "I believe you" The first time in ten years..... The one that got away... and he is either wanting to kill me or idealizes me for being so so much stronger than him. ( there was a narc that once said they worship those who despise them ) Kill me is more likely.....he used to say - you are too strong, you never indulge me.... That's right and I never will either.... I am not the bitch that I probably look like BTW - he drove me nuts many many times. Many things I did in real grief and whilst highly sedated. The extremes that he went to to control me are sickening....