Do you ever feel like you take one step forward and two steps back?

23 posts / 0 new

#1 May 14 - 5PM

ollie

Do you ever feel like you take one step forward and two steps back?

Do you ever feel like you take one step forward and then two steps back? I feel like I have a couple great days, that is for where i am right now and what i am dealing with, like I am making some progress no matter how small but I am moving forward and excited about it, not thinking about the N obsessively but only occasionally and briefly during the day and it does not assualt me as it usually does, I can actually find something funny, actually get out of bed, shower and accomplish the smallest of tasks and feel somewhat close to normal, and then after those couple of great days and I am feeling good about myself, it creeps up on you and you have a bad day where you are thinking about him again, wondering why, missing him, crying, trying to make sense of it when you know darn well its pointless and its just bla, its upsetting and you try to get through the fog but gosh it just holds onto you. My therapist did diagnose me with PTSD and I am in the beginnings of EMDR but how do you get through those 2 steps back days and get back on track so it doesn't consume you?

#2 May 14 - 8PM

Amazed

Yes, Ollie

I feel like the process is one step forward, two steps back. You KNOW what progress is, and you make it. You KNOW what progress is, and you feel it. You KNOW what progress it, and you think it, you do it. You progress, you are there, stronger, more keen, aware. Better off. Then comes the flicker of obsessive thoughts, back creeping in.."oh God how I love him,,,God how I really cared about that guy,,,I really cared about him" the intrusive thoughts come back and you want to stamp them out...sometimes just observe,,,and go wow. Let yourself work through the process. DO NOT GIVE INTO THE INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS. Do something POSITIVE RIGHT AWAY WHEN THIS HAPPENS, IF IT HAPPENS ALOT. Keep a list of all the positive things you want to do,, go for a walk, research your creative interests, go to the library, go for a coffee, journal, call a friend, come to the group here, do something of resistance to this, and work through it. You will feel better, and get back a sense of your own power.

#3 May 14 - 9PM (Reply to #21)

ollie

Yes, exactly, all consuming.

Yes, exactly, all consuming. Yes, obsessive as well as obressive. Boy, do I want to stamp them out!!!!! As i gave and gave and gave, all the energy, time, and pieces of my soul chipped away a little at a time, all that I put into that relationship for 3 f*cking years was wasted on some N who could give a shit. But I know I need to feel every single f*cking feeling and grieve so I can move forward, otherwise he will have me, and that is the last thing I want. So no intrusive thoughts. Positive. Gosh it is so hard to do the positive things when you can't even get out of bed on some days!! I actually dropped my car off at the mechanics in my pajamas because it needed fixed so i can go to work and had no energy to care or change. wtf. I am not that person, well, I am now, but that was never me, he did this. I will feel better and I will get a sense of my own power, positive. This sucks.

#4 May 14 - 9PM (Reply to #22)

Amazed

Take yourself through what you need to go through

Process, and go through the "privacy" period I call it, when you need to incubate,,and coddle yourself strong. I have been there. Its a pj day all the way sometimes, and it is a HEAL DAY from a psychopath. A psychopath. They are nothing special.. they are evil.. they almost had your life..you have gotten through. You will probably find most people don't understand what you have been through,,have mercy on yourself, and as i think, find gratitude that you have gotten away, and seen the light and beyond.

#5 May 14 - 8PM

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

PARALYZED

i feel like i can't even take a step forward or back.....just paralyzed from his venom......

#6 May 14 - 9PM (Reply to #19)

Amazed

Rid yourself of their venom

Sweat it out. Literally. Get some heat going. Take a hot bath. Think passioned thoughts, about life. Best way to fight filth is with cleaning. I need to keep a memorabilia of what I gave to him, so I will always remember my devotion, so as not do to it ever again with him. It is personal, however I am sure you have something similar, when you look at it, it will remind you of his evil. And never give in to him.

#7 May 14 - 8PM (Reply to #12)

Amazed

I have felt paralyzed, they want you immobile, defenseless

At the ultimate, I think they want to poison your thoughts, poison your behaviors, so that you will become immobile, and out of function. They hypnotize you in the beginning to thinking it is tranquility to speak with...however it is a "DISEMPOWERING STATE". "DISEMPOWERING STATES" as described by Tony Robbins exactly that, he calls them paralyzing states...that is confusion, depression, fear, anxiety, sadness, frustration. The psychopathy wants to put their prey in this paralyzed state. No way!!! The "EMPOWERING STATES" are confidence, inner strength, competence, joy, ecstacy. You could almost feel the energy leaving you when he got you into that control mode,,,horrific,,,horrific,,and when they have all sorts of others conrolled this way,,,it is poison venum to a family, organization, individual.

#8 May 14 - 11PM (Reply to #18)

Barbara (not verified)

Amazed

just a word... be careful with Tony Robbins' stuff. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#9 May 14 - 8PM (Reply to #13)

Susan32

Why my friends hated my ex-N

My friends loooved it when I was around them because I was happy, confident, and cheerful with them. However, they thought my ex-N was the dark cloud, and that I'd suddenly become serious and glum with him. You have to remember, with my ex-N, he'd often tell students (multiple times) to "read something, without emotion." As one of my friends said,"He's punishing you for being human" (something prescient, considering that's on Barbara's blog about psychopaths) My ex-N would ALWAYS ask me,"Why are you always so happy?" and claim I didn't take life seriously. His aura of negativity repulsed a lot of people (I assume it still does) Narcs hate joy and happiness... the EMPOWERING STATES. After 3 years of a sloooow recovery, I did get my confidence back. Sometimes I go through episodes of PTSD, there are still some painful episodes... but I'm a lot happier now than I was a decade ago. I still have my friends. And I still have, for the most part, my sanity, my happiness, and my faith.

#10 May 14 - 11PM (Reply to #14)

Barbara (not verified)

'empowered'

careful - we had a 'magical thinking' guru here a while back trying to tell us all that 'Empowered People don't get targeted by Narcs and Ps' - which is complete and utter b.s. empowered people are their favorite breakfast, lunch & dinner ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#11 May 15 - 12PM (Reply to #17)

Susan32

Magical thinking is the problem

If ANYTHING, the "magical thinking" is that empowered, happy people aren't targets for Narcs, only vulnerable, generous, "codependent" people. Narcs see EVERYONE as potential targets--no matter how smart, talented, and independent they are. Narcs are like vampires... they want PLENTY of blood..

#12 May 15 - 8AM (Reply to #15)

Klarity Belle

N & P's are sharks

If a shark appears then anyone swimming in the waters near this cold blooded predator is a potential victim, everyone is in danger and needs to get out of the water, if people are empowered but have no idea there is a shark in their midst then they won't know to get out of the water. I'm all for self empowerment but it won't save anyone if they don't have awareness about the dynamics of NPD and PD's in general - knowing the behaviors and the signs etc is crucial. That's how we can identify these types and get the hell out of the water as soon as we can. Awareness about these matters is very low in our society in general, while PD styles and behaviours are increasing rapidly - Its great that there are so many of us here taking personal responsibility to help raise awareness. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

#13 May 15 - 9AM (Reply to #16)

sanctuary

That's a great analogy.

That's a great analogy. Because of my growing awareness, I'm so much better able to handle the contact I do have to have with the ExN. Awareness is part of empowerment. Thanks to all here that are helping spread the word.

#14 May 14 - 6PM

gullablegull (not verified)

like....today?

Today was one of those days for me too..... Seemed like everything wanted to jump out at me, and remind me of what I thought my life was, and then have to confront what my life is! It's a total freaking mess! My son still thinks AH will buy him a car, though AH hasn't contacted him for 6 months....... My attorney wants me to confront AH to mediate, which I would rather die than do..... (My psychologist will not dx me with PTSD, so I may have to...) He moved on before he even left us......... and I'm still struggling to get through each day, not because I miss HIM, but I miss my life. I don't know who I am anymore, and sometimes, all I can do is cry. The only people that understand are on this forum, totally invisible, and sometimes, I just wish someone would hold me and tell me it's all going to alright! Woe is me on Friday night.......BUT then there's tomorrow. I get up early to do a charity walk for MS, and I'm sure I will be reminded that my problems aren't really all that bad. I have hope, for I have a huge heart..........and faith. Baby steps........one day at a time.

#15 May 14 - 8PM (Reply to #5)

ollie

Yes, exactly like today. A

Yes, exactly like today. A freaking mess. I completely understand the crying, but I have to say I feel so much better after a day of wretched,heartbreaking,sobbing,crying, I am exhausted afterwards, but feel like it is cleansing my soul of him. And you are right. I do not think it is because I miss him, but because I miss my life before him, one in which a stupid f*ckhead (excuse my language) was not all consuming-I had a life, one that i actually liked quite well and I was happy and he made sure he sucked every ounce of that away from me so all that was left was him. And you are also right, I do not know who I am anymore, but I want it back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I deserve it. I don't want to be consumed by him, period. Gosh that would be nice wouldn't it? But is going to be alright, I found this forum, you answered and made me feel better when I was in need and there is tomorrow, hoping for a good day. Baby steps.

#16 May 15 - 3PM (Reply to #10)

smileyfacepr

Exactly alike!!

11 mnths NC and I still cry, not everyday but I still do! I also dont know who I am anymore..or who I want to be. I also remember sometimes we would be driving and a song would come on that I loved and I would be dancing to it as we drove and he would look over and smile and say "I wish I had that energy"! I did not know he was sucking every bit of energy and love and breath that I had! After a few minutes of dancing in the car and him just driving w/no emotion, he would kill off my mood, so I would sit still and quiet w/him! I used to be a very energetic and positive and loving person b4 him..it took him 7 yrs to take it all from me..even my desire to live or dream for tomorrow! How did we let this happen? I just hope and pray that we all find our ways to a better version of the selves we were b4 them! And that now we know what to look 4 in any man! Praying for all of us to heal w/much love!

smileyfacepr

#17 May 14 - 9PM (Reply to #6)

neveragain5

I hear ya, ollie! I go

I hear ya, ollie! I go through the same thing. Not because of him, he was a setback for sure, but because I want my life back. I want to be able to have a consistency in my moods and also to feel like I have something to offer my friends. It's really hard to be patient, when you feel so frustrated and want to move forward in the process. Hang in there, ollie! You sound better already from just a few days ago.

#18 May 14 - 9PM (Reply to #7)

ollie

Yes, I WANT MY LIFE

Yes, I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had no clue what in the hell I was going through until I came here, I thought I was losing it, and kept thinking what in the hell is wrong with me?!?! Yes it is very hard to have patients, but I am glad that I found out it is not me, and have been reading here diligently every hour of every day to remind me of what he is because I know I am not strong enough yet and that this is the f*cking hardest thing I have ever been through,the harm I wanted to do to myself because of the "love of my life" and from reading here know I want to be as strong as I can be when and if I am confronted by him or I am unfortunate enough to run into him. I also know that I am in the very early stages of this hell, and I want to stay strong and the 1 step forward and 2 steps back are killing me. Good days and horrible days. But being here helps.

#19 May 15 - 5AM (Reply to #9)

Scoop

ollie

My days have a patten of either waking up in a ok mood and that stays with me for most of the day but by the evening i am crying again or i wake up crying but by the evening i am fine which is better for me . Today is a hard day as there is a big event happening where i life where everyone i mean everyone i know and love will be there but i strongly suspect the narc will be there too so i cant even think about going and run the risk of seeing him , the thought of seeing him makes my heart start to pound and i feel sick to my stomach . So i am staying home and safe , there are a million things to do in the house as i am moving in two weeks but i cant seem to get my act together im just reading the board and watching sky news .I am scared of moving , i have taken a flat for myself and the cats , its a lovely place right on the river but this house i am in has been my home for 10 years . I really should pack but i dont know where to start .So now im crying again .. will these stupid tears ever go away ....im going to electrocute myself crying over the computer one day . Scoop x

#20 May 14 - 10PM (Reply to #8)

Amazed

Ollie, don't know how long it was

I don't know how long it was since you exposed the psychopath, we have all been through what you are going through. It is horrible. It is incredibly hard to describe, the pain, confusion, crap that they dish up. It takes learning, reading alot about the disorder (they are disordered, extremely disordered) and hearing from people here. Honestly, you need support right now. Understanding, processing of what they hell just happend. Get the book "the psychopath next door" at a bookstore, library, where ever. Get the book "Woman Who Love Psychopaths". Research, it will help you understand what they fuck crap they are, and begin to put them in their place. Number one. Do not contact them. To fight, process things, work things out, ask questions. Nothing. Stay away.

#21 May 14 - 6PM

ice queen

One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

It is entirely normal to feel like you take one step forward and two steps back! It can be frustrating but it is part of the healing process. And it normal in any grieving process to have good days and then a bad day where it all hits you all over again. Feel your feelings so you can let them go. And be gentle with yourself. As time goes on and you work your way through the stages of grief, you will find the foggy days become fewer and further between. It helped me, on the really hard days, to stay in the present and focus on all I have IN my life as well as everything I got RID OF when I got rid of him (the mind-games, the lying, the cheating, the constant criticism, the manipulation.....). It also helped to either read information on narcissism, journal, call a friend or get on this page and read/write. Take it one day at a time and during those moments when you feel overwhelmed, take it one minute at a time if you have to. I don't know if this is helpful or not, but I had to remind myself OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN that "I will not always feel as I do today. This, too, shall pass." Also that my life will not always look as it does at this given moment.

Ice Queen

#22 May 14 - 8PM (Reply to #3)

ollie

Yes, thank you, it was very

Yes, thank you, it was very helpful. Some times you need guidance to the light at the end of the tunnel, as it gets lost in that incredible fog.

#23 May 14 - 7PM (Reply to #2)

Barbara (not verified)

the recovery cha-cha

yes - this process is like that... stay the course ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews