Do we tell the kids about nc and npd

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#1 Oct 16 - 11PM
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

Do we tell the kids about nc and npd

This is a heck of a question. Usual childcare insists children be protected from adult issues and I agree. However many articles I've read say that we should tell children the truth about the disorder.

I also have to question my motives for what I say.

More often than I care to Admit I have spoken to kids about exnh behaviour out of my hurt and betrayal and resentment, this has not been healthy for any of us.

When I am less in my feelings I have sometimes explained that daddy behaves selfishly and nc prevents us fighting about that etc etc

I do talk more openly with my 12 year old daughter who sees exnh more clearly although she is full of cd and love/pain around her dad. My 11 year old son idolises his father and just blames me and sees nc as me being spiteful and horrible to his poor misunderstood father who just wants to be my friend now..,,,barf

I struggle a lot still with cd. When I see him clearly and feel justified in my actions I am ok and can then be ok for my kids.

After insisting on contact exnh had children for weekend. He then left them alone fir over 3 hours in a park with no coat whilst he claims to have gone to the gym. The children are begging me not to tell anyone and get him In Trouble or stop them seeing him....,,once more I will be the bad guy.

But I am ok.

Oct 17 - 7AM
ChickyD
ChickyD's picture

Its hard, you have to protect

Its hard, you have to protect them but then what is the best way to do that? Let them come to realize what he is by themselves or tell them straight out? My wife's two kids are great, intelligent, awesome kids both in their early tweens now, they understand what is going on and we have discussed vaguely with them that their Dad lies and that he cannot be relied on. This is clear to them in the fact that he does not contribute anything emotionally, financially, he does nothing for them except when he needs his ego boosted, but they still idolize him??? He makes promises to them but never keeps them etc We have told them that they must love their Dad but that they must also protect themselves if something doesn't feel right and they know it is wrong then it is and we have tried to explain to them that just because he is an adult does not make what he says, does or doesn't do ok. Or that he needs to look after his responsibilities first like paying school fees etc instead of taking them to the amusement park. It really is just so confusing to know what to do or what the right thing is to do for them. In all honesty this keeps me up at night. I worry for them and their emotional well being. I actually just wish he would find a new rich NS and move on, we are all better off without him in the picture. My wife and I are two woman doing the best we can for the kids with no support but we are doing it we have absolutely no contact with him but he insisted that the kids have phones and he contacts them regularly... we are petrified of the damage he could be causing to them by this means of communication as it is instant messaging - we do try and check their phones but they also need their own privacy. Yes, today I feel like pulling my hair out! This is sooooo frustrating :(
Oct 17 - 12AM
ordinarycourage
ordinarycourage's picture

to Lilymarch

I feel your pain. I, too, do it all and always have. My exN used to show up for parent nights and bring his OW when he wanted to impress her with how great a dad he was. He has been sporadic in his involvement for a long time now. Our daughters have gotten to the point where they really do not want his involvement in their lives. It is so painful to watch them come to the realization that their dad isn't capable of loving them.
Oct 17 - 12AM
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

I tell the truth.

Luckily, my two oldest children saw his disfunction two years before I was able to get out of the denial. They came to me around age 13 and asked me to divorce him. This is their father! He is so controlling. Once I finally kicked him out, we were much happier. The littlest was just a baby but the other two were 5 and 7 when I kicked him out. They really didn't know what was going on. They are happier now because I am happier. I have more freedom and am a lighter and happier person. There are times when being around and dealing with the exN brings me down for days. But I'm stronger and I'm being more consistent with my boundaries with him. So, I tell the little kids the truth. That he is capable of doing bad things. That they must use that inner whisper that tells them when something is not ok around him. That it's ok to love him but know he has a problem. And it's important to not make the N a victim to a 'disorder'. It's too easy for children to feel sorry for them. They do not need sympathy. Again, I'm lucky because thier dad only wants limited contact that coincides to his NS. So, he'll take them to school randomly and he'll want to show up at events to 'act' like he's a great father. That is what really pisses me off! I feel like his agent. I do everything behind the scenes. I do EVERTHING, pay for everything, clean for them, laundry, dinner, brush teeth, doctors appts, dentists, clothes, on and on. I do it. He shows up at parents nigt at school like he's a father! Yuk! My second to youngest asked me a week ago: when are you and dad going to stop being mad? I told her that he broke promises to me, he did some bad things. That I wasn't really mad but had decided that I didn't want someone like that in my life. I gave him 100 chances to change his behavior and he can't. So now I move on. He wasn't happy here and now he has the chance to be happy. I didn't know what to say so I just said the truth in the simplest form that I could. The councilor said to not protect him. The truth is the truth.
Oct 16 - 11PM
freaked
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yes Jelickuk

jelickuk, imho, we must share information regarding NPD with our kids. It is same way we teach them not to accept candy from strangers, and general safety rules. I would say kids aged 11 or 12 or above would likely understand what we are telling them. if they are very small, they will not comprehend.