do they know they are securing us as 'supply'?

21 posts / 0 new

#1 Jul 4 - 6AM

Qing Yuan

do they know they are securing us as 'supply'?

I was wondering, do they even know that they are engaging in a 'set' practise.
If they are and we are sure they are so self absorbed. Then I wonder if they even get that they are in a programme of adenda-ed narcissism.
I know he thinks he is right and that he firmly believes all his magical thinking.
but is he pathalogically controlling me with his ntuts behaviour and game playing or is the drama and whirlwinds just a product of his ill thinking. Is he really too ill to know he is so deeply unkind to me or does he each emotional punishmnent dished out really give him pleasure and supply????
I wonder do they know they are securing people around them like objects????
They think they are people and that we are human too in some manner but if they are NOT HUMAN and not so inherently evil can they at least control the level of narissism they unleash..
They defo think they are superior in every way to everyone around them,
They definitly use launguge and communication as a war tactic.
But do they ever feel real remorse, regret or pitty.
I am giessing NOT...
But the reason I Ask this is becasue after my ex narc dumped me and then drilled me in and out of his relatioinship with new woman and I took loads of bad drugs and got into a very bad place. I was horrible to people I had relationsips with. I attarcted more predetors and became more unstable and simply took more drugs and outwardly attacked my friends and lovers.
BUT I always knew what I Was doing, why I was doing it and when I started healing and got healthy, the people I found in my life were better healthier people and I had no need to hurt or be angry with those around me. I was utterly changed... I balmed it on the grief of loosing my father to a stroke. I got back into voluntary work and helpoing others. I was less anrgy at myself for being hoodwinked and treated like a idiot. I was really ready to find a healthier exsistence.
BUT these days... the more I know about NARC-ism
I am wracked with guilt.
I am hounded by dreams of those times.
I am traumatised and scarred emotionally by the train wreck I Was of a person.
I still get pretty low thinking about the nice people I have hurt in my life and it feeds into my low self esteem.
BUT
I AM GUESSING> A NARC NEVER FEELS BAD...EVER?

They justify behaviours, they tell themselves they are always in the right no matter what the perpetrations are or were.

I am guessing true NARCS just dont ever learn. They will wreck lives and keep doing it.
They will never see the damage they do?
We hold out hope for it?
But it never comes.
WE thubk they are wired up to care like we do/are.

That is why I am lonley now because I believe in Karma.
I made myelf isolated to learn this lesson..
I believe in that but what I wonder if why TRUE NARCS just dont ever seem to be dripping with there destined Karma (YET). Most of the time they seem to be 'living it up'. One woman after another and loving it...
NO. I prob answered my own question.
They dont ever feel bad, change or learn do they?
Evil is evil...

#2 Jul 4 - 9AM

Susan32

They know what they're doing

At first I hated my ex-P professor. I couldn't stand his condescending tone towards female students. He tried to smear me to my fellow students, and he did "crazy-making." He also poisoned a nascent friendship between my lab partner and I. A sad fact--last year, the lab partner who was my "rival" for the ex-P's attentions died last January under odd circumstances. For some strange reason, one of my first thoughts was "that could've been me." When I FIRST told off my ex-P on his penchant for public humiliation,he confessed to having hurt lots of people... and seemed very detached from it. No sense of guilt. He then put on the mask of niceness. He pretended to be nice when he sent me to the school therapist. He pretended to be the benevolent mentor. As one of my friends said (I'm still friends with this friend),he was USING me to look human, to look as if he could relate to students... and that he was going to dump me.

#3 Jul 5 - 3AM (Reply to #19)

Qing Yuan

he sound slike a real piece

he sound slike a real piece of work your guy. Poor you. Having to work with that in your life. I know what it feels like to have everything you have worked for be crushed by someone who pretends to care about you. Its awful to read your story. You have done so well to be so strong in your self. x

#4 Jul 5 - 10AM (Reply to #20)

Susan32

It was a power play

My therapist summed up my ex-P's act perfectly. It was a power play, a power trip. One of my friends asked "Why is it so difficult for you to let go of Mr. T----?" I told her that I had dropped Ns/Ps before. (In fact, I rushed into a "relationship" with a man from church shortly after the D&D, and I ended up having to break up with him graciously because he had a restraining order on him,and he idealized me in a weird way) Some of them it was VERY obvious. It was difficult to "let go" of Mr. T--- BECAUSE he was my teacher. Any random guy can pretend to care. But for a teacher to pretend to care about his students--there's something deeply WRONG with that. That's why we're horrified when we hear about pastors who abuse children. We assume pastors CARE about their children and don't see them as playthings. I find it ironic that despite 4 years of flattery from my ex-P on my writing, I've been constantly published the past 7(!!!) I've come to see that success and yes, simply LIVING--are the best vengeance.

#5 Jul 4 - 9AM

neveragain5

Vix

I don't have an answer because I ask the same questions sometimes. I do know that my defending myself and how I stood up for myself did affect him. Yet, it just gave him more reason to walk around and play the victim. He told me that he was still crying about it and that people were telling him that he was being too hard on himself. So he got validated and felt better. Of course, he was only telling his side of the story. I know it's rough, because there is a huge amount of injustice in all of it. It isn't right that they get to walk away and we are left with all of their garbage to clean up. Hang in there, Vix. What happened in the past is not your fault.

#6 Jul 4 - 7AM

Scoop

Hey vix excelent question ,

Hey vix excelent question , here is a story about my narc , he told me a couple of times that when he was in infants school he went throught a stage of targeting kids each play time to beat up , i asked him what made you target these kids and he said " it was the ones who i thought they thought they where better than me ".. i asked him if he got into trouble and he said that he was made to sit out of play time and then one day he just stopped doing it .... but heres the thing ... he never stopped doing it , he still does it as im a prime exsample of how he goes out to crush people who think they where better than him ... i am better than him and i know it so i guess he was right about that ..lol His friend said one day "narc spends so much time and energy getting people to like him then when they do he doesnt want to konw them "..i personaly do not think he knows he does it as his insights to him self are too delousional. There are diffrent degrees of narcissim . my guy im sure has other conditions too proberly bi polar as he does go through cycles , he took to drugs a year ago and his friend is sure he is suffering from a cannibish psycosis ... why does he do the drugs ? to blott out any uncomfortable feelings he may get ... and thats the trouble he burys emotions . can he bury them for ever ? well his narrissim will get worse if he does and its already pretty bad..god know what he will be like in a few years ... i believe he wll be a compleat reck . As for my relationship he knows the mask is off , i let rip at him last weekend (not to be recomended as i have suffeed this week with terrible anxiety ) but what it did tell him was the game is up and i no longer believe his crap . so i will not be used as supply again i hope .. well i wont let him use me again through no contact ... i never in my life thought i would meet such a mess of a man , he is unbelieverble so deeply disturbed with such a mask of togetherness .. Its no wonder i went so crazy whilst i was with him , i was trying to bond with a fruit cake .

#7 Jul 4 - 7AM

agnesmurphy17

Do they know?

Of course they know they are securing what is called "supply." Do they call it supply? Probably not. But, they are looking for that which makes them feel good. Looking for what they like. Looking for what they need. Such as money, sex, secretarial & housekeeping services. Like children under the age of 5, the N feels entitled to all that he wants and is enraged when he is not given that which he wants, therefore, needs & is entitled to. This is why there is the seduction and honeymoon in the beginning. It's all a lie to get he victim caught into the web. Heck! What women is going to answer an advertisement on the internet which states the situation explicitly? "Big baby male seeks intimate partner to be his substitute mommy. Like mommy's breast belongs to baby, woman's sex belongs to man. Like mommy, woman must wait hand & foot on man & submit fo all his whims & follies. Never, never thwart man in his desires. Never critize or question. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER expect man to consider your needs or feelings. It's ALL ABOUT MAN. (All About Baby.)" Nope. Honesty is not the best policy when one is an N. So they deceive their victims to extract that which they feel entitled to. It is a necessary survival strategy. Why do I say they know what they do? Because they LIE! Just like a child. The child knows that he is lying to get out of the situation of his own doing but feels so entitled that the lie is natural. Lying is as natural & necessary to self-preservation as eating. Like children, Ns live in a fanstasy world. This is where the empathy & conscience come in. At some point before the age of 7, most children learn that lying is not acceptable. Therefore, perhaps it is better not to do anything for which one cannot admit: "Yes. I did that." Ns & Ps never reach this stage of development. Imagination & reality are often one & the same. These Ns are in many ways just big babies. I know mine preys on the maternal sympathies of women. These men are all too human. But, they are lacking emotional depth and dimension. However, the successful ones successfully mimic emotion. Only after long exposure at close quarters does one notice that there is something missing. By then it is too late. Having bought into the lie initially, the victim is tied down by marriage, children, property, family, & a relationship--as well as, habit. And, she may be in love with all the N's good qualities -- even very naughty children have redeeming qualities.

#8 Jul 4 - 7AM

betty2020

I can assure you that mine

I can assure you that mine knew exactly what he was doing. I dont think he labeled himself a narc but he was conscious of his behavior, actions and abuse throughout the entire time i was with him. He accepted himself for being this type years and years before i ever came into the picture. He rationalized and justified every single abusive trait he owns. He has no guilt, remorse or shame for any of his actions. He never will. His sickness runs so deep that it is his only means of survival at this point. Certainly a normal person would have taken a gun to their head by now from sheer guilt. I know i would.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#9 Jul 4 - 6AM

AnotherPath

Vix

They don't care is the answer. They have no empathy, so they don't know what it feels like to have mature feelings. They don't feel loss, sadness or love. They repress their feeling so that they avoid going to the dark place within, this is why they project. They only feel rage and envy so they try to avoid and project it onto others, which is why they don't feel guilt or shame. Their narcissism works for them as a defense mechanism so they don't look at their true selves, this is why they cannot change. They're like machines. This is written by sam vaknin Does the narcissist want to be liked? Answer: Would you wish to be liked by your television set? To the narcissist, people are mere tools, Sources of Supply. If, in order to secure this supply, he must be liked by them â€“ he acts likable, helpful, collegial, and friendly. If the only way is to be feared â€“ he makes sure they fear him. He does not really care either way as long as he is being attended to. Attention â€“ whether in the form of fame or infamy â€“ is what it's all about. His world revolves around this constant mirroring. I am seen therefore I exist, he thinks to himself. But the classic narcissist also craves punishment. His actions are aimed to elicit social opprobrium and sanctions. His life is a Kafkaesque, ongoing trial and the never-ending proceedings are in themselves the punishment. Being penalized (reprimanded, incarcerated, abandoned) serves to vindicate and validate the internal damning voices of the narcissist's sadistic, ideal and immature Superego (really, the erstwhile voices of his parents or other caregivers). It confirms his worthlessness. It relieves him from the inner conflict he endures when he is successful: the conflict between the gnawing feelings of guilt, anxiety, and shame and the need to relentlessly secure Narcissistic Supply. Question: How does the narcissist treat his former Sources of Narcissistic Supply? Does he regard them as enemies? Answer: One should be careful not to romanticise the narcissist. His remorse and good behaviour are always linked to fears of losing his sources. Narcissists have no enemies. They have only Sources of Narcissistic Supply. An enemy means attention means supply. One holds sway over one's enemy. If the narcissist has the power to provoke emotions in you, then you are still a Source of Supply to him, regardless of which emotions are provoked. http://samvak.tripod.com/faq76.html

Ending the dance

#10 Jul 4 - 7AM (Reply to #5)

aceonelady

Ex N told me when he was

Ex N told me when he was angry at me on Skype he would feel sexual aroused....Then after D&D he told me he doesn't want to argue with me...he wants nothing to do with me...no bad or good...i broke NC and he told me i am his enemy and an ugly bitch,he said so now you have something to think about....I think i am still supply,like you said good or bad supply is supply....I think he really enjoys when i am angry or hurt...fucking monsters...I am sorry ladies i am having a very bad week,i am very depressed...i keep doing things that i have to do ,evenworking out at the gym but he is connstantly in my mind...i hate it ...

Aceonelady

#11 Jul 5 - 9AM (Reply to #13)

helldweller

aceonelady

I think a lot of us our having a bad week. My N is having a particularly good week, I think, with someone else, because he has just shut it off for me, like you said. He used to say the rage made him aroused, too, and he would keep coming back for more. I yelled at him again this morning outside because he ignored me for a week and then just feels he can come outside, next door, and water the lawn I bought for our new house (which he is now living in without me). I told him he looks ten in his spider man t-shirt and his skinny arms and legs, and I was sort of hoping he'd say something mean about me being fat or looking like a boy with my new short haircut, but he didn't. He just stared at me with cold, dead eyes.

#12 Jul 4 - 4PM (Reply to #12)

agnesmurphy17

Aceonelady

This man who involved you was very sick & twisted. I remember this story. Hours & hours on the internet between the States & Europe. Upon final arrival in the States the man was so cruel. I think what happened was that he "projected" over the internet his fantasy onto you. And, perhaps, you too projected that he was your perfect man. Once you arrived, the real woman was not what he fantasized. And, for you, he was most certainly not the knight in shining armor. For you the loss of an ideal and the loss of this relationship was profound. I suppose the realization that the guy was just no ever there & not what he lead you to believe must be very difficult. An internet relationship is the perfect way to avoid genuine intimacy. I seems intimate but it is not in reality. It's a very safe distance & a person can pretend to be something they are not. Try not to let this sadist get you down anymore. Do your routine things. But also try to do something wonderful for you. Try not to be sad. Don't waste another precious moment of time on this jerk. If you do, he wins. And, he's not worth it.

#13 Jul 4 - 7AM (Reply to #6)

betty2020

Your not alone. My mind has

Your not alone. My mind has been on overload all week too. Must be the holiday or long weekend. We are still supply to them. Good or bad they really dont care. The only way out of this is really to just starve them. NO CONTACT ever. Hang in there and know your not alone

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#14 Jul 4 - 8AM (Reply to #9)

aceonelady

thanks betty 2020

Thanks you are welcome,sometimes i feel i am in a sea full of dangerous big waves and everytime i swim harder to keep my head above water...thanks for giving me a hand....

Aceonelady

#15 Jul 4 - 9AM (Reply to #10)

neveragain5

aceonelady and betty2020

Weekends and holiday weekends are the worst. Since most of my friends are married, they have their own lives with their husbands and families. I have not gotten to a point where I feel like venturing out and trying new things, yet. These feelings are awful! They do go about their lives and feel no guilt. It's whatever is going to make them happy at the moment, with no regard for others. Sorry that you guys are having to go through this. I wish that we all lived closer, so that we could go do fun things on weekends like this.

#16 Jul 4 - 9AM (Reply to #11)

aceonelady

Neveragain5.....

Yes is the feeling that we are just dead for them...thanks ...Like you say would be nice if we lived closer...but is the thoughts that count....thanks again for your support

Aceonelady

#17 Jul 4 - 7AM (Reply to #7)

naivenomore

I'm exactly where the 2 of

I'm exactly where the 2 of you (aceonelady and better2020) are this weekend and I'm not even American, I'm Canadian, so somehow I've even absorbed the USA July 4th holiday as something to weep about! The irony in all this is that I always relate fireworks to huge romantic times and yet when I thought honestly about it yesterday, it was never romantic, at all! Either his daughter would be with us (which was fine) and we'd be watching them together for the most part, or I'd be oooooing and awing at them and he'd be either working on something else or silent.

#18 Jul 4 - 8AM (Reply to #8)

aceonelady

hi chickadee999

Well i live in holland ,he in Tulsa,oklahoma and he is NC on me(please read my story if you like)and i am here wandering who will he be with online or in the flesh in this long weekend...he doesn't like holidays or going out,but free time means gaming,sex....i am down and out....wekends and holidays bring up memories...that i really don't want to have anymore!Hughs...

Aceonelady

#19 Jul 4 - 6AM

awayfromhim

Do They Know?

I'm not an expert on Ns but I can answer based on my own experience and what I've learned. There are moments where the N may not be aware of exactly what they're doing as it's a way they've learned to live. However, there are times they know exactly what they're doing. Do they know they're doing it as a reason to get supply? Mine would not have because, in order for him to understand he was doing it for supply due to narcissism, he would have to admit he had a flaw. And that's not possible. They don't feel bad, they don't change and they don't learn. Mine was physically abusive. He would blame me for it and, incredibly, I took the blame. If I only had not said, did, etc. I would not have been abused. He KNEW he was abusing me, I told him and cried, and he would not take accountability for his behavior. He could not and would not change. He was the king, a God, perfect. Right. As for your guilt, etc., living in the past is fruitless. I spent 30 years with an N. I lost alot of time. I continuously held out hope because for one, I'm human, and two, he would hoover me back in by making promises he had no intention of keeping. I'm quite intelligent but I was completely clueless as to what had happened to me for quite some time. As for karma, you think you are lonely because of it? Perhaps you are interpreting a lack of chaos and destruction, peace, as loneliness. I know I did when I first left the marital home. Anyway, I don't want to lose any more time due to a narcissistic prick. I'm not "all better", far from it. I think I'll be in therapy forever. :-) But I'm on my way. You can be too.

#20 Jul 4 - 8AM (Reply to #2)

Qing Yuan

Thanks. I know I will get

Thanks. I know I will get there. I pray I do. I just feel so still in it. Its all down to money... therapy really helps me but I cant afford it. I just wonder when we shall both feel wonderful and healthy again. I would hate to burn out my life this way. Your right. we have wasted enough time. but I still have to co-parent wth him becasue he plays the engaged father roll. I have to be around him. I need to get the cash toegther to see a solicitor. A godd one. Anyone know a good uk firm?

#21 Jul 4 - 6PM (Reply to #3)

awayfromhim

Ha! The engaged father

Ha! The engaged father role. The N was playing that at the beginning of the divorce via calling his kids (two older ones live away from home) and telling them lies and saying nasty things to them about their mother. They tired of it quickly and when they told him so, he flipped the N switch and stopped calling them. Unless he was drunk and forgot they had stopped giving him supply. Next, he was asking for so much visitation with youngest son that it was ridiculous. Actually, my attorney said "this is totally ridiculous." So, he ends up with one dinner per week and every other weekend. Guess how many weekends son has spent with him since we left in April? None. Nada. Zip. In the state I live in the US, child support is based on the amount of overnights the child has with the parent. Son lives with me so the N tried to get as many days as he could to keep the payments low. So, I don't know how it is in the UK, but he may play the adoring Dad act until after things are finished.

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews