Do they ever go away?

15 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Feb 27 - 3PM
Damaged Goods
Damaged Goods's picture

Do they ever go away?

I have only wasted a little over three years of my life with this N. I saw all the red flags when we first met and I chose to ignore them. Now after three years of $%ll, which included drinking, drugs, physical and emotional abuse, I have filed for divorce. And of course, I have been replaced. As a matter of fact within two weeks of leaving our bed, he was totally madly in love with someone else and it was pasted all over FB for everyone to see.

My greatest concern is that everyone, including my therapist says that he will be back when this all falls apart. That scares me to death. He has been in and out of my life every few weeks for the last three years and because I have let him have the revolving door everyone says he will come back yet again. I was hoping that since I finally filed for divorce that he would take a hint.
I would apprecaite any input you may have.

Feb 28 - 10AM
truetotruth
truetotruth's picture

Yes they Go away

Yes they do go away..first they bail on you when after they have drained you dry..this usually happens many times before you go N/C...then finally when you have really had enough and there really isn't anything left in you to give they go away permanently...not to say he will never reappear. My NARC's last attempt to lure me in was New Years Eve. Its been 2 months and finally nothing... I also changed my numbers, email and address. I actually moved in October because I knew after his usual 6 week punishment was over he'd be back. I was terrified to be lured in again. I was finally at the point where I knew the only way to save myself was to cut him off. After 2 months of attempts to lure me he realized I was no longer a supply. I have no idea if he has moved on but I think it is safe to assume so. I know this is the hardest part, wondering, wishing, hoping that somehow you were loved. They are incapable. You are food for their souls... I wish with all my heart it weren't true and that it were different...but it is one thing I have realized they all have in common. Hang in there and put a big Manolo Blahnik down. When you do he is gone! gone! gone!!!!!!!!.
Feb 28 - 2AM
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Yes they do come back. They

Yes they do come back. They stop only when you have been enough hard with them. The one I reported and was found guilty never came back. The one who has just got the letter of my lawyer has just disappeared ( I was so lucky to have three of them in my life...lucky huh?). It depends on how strong is your "go away".
Feb 27 - 5PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Damaged Goods

Yes, They go away when "you" Make them go away! Good Luck! Idealk
Feb 27 - 4PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

So Long?

It took him TWO whole weeks to replace you? Gee! He must have really loved you! Mine. From one day to the next! I left May 2nd. May 3rd he had her over to the house & wined & dined her on my china. He will contact you everytime he wants something or when the girlfriend is tossing him out or he discovers that you have more money & supply than her. I would renew that restraining order. When she tosses him out, he may come over begging & weeping. Who says you need to wait for something to happen? Divorcing a narcissist, leaving him, is a very dangerous time. Right now he's distracted. But, NW may not last.
Feb 27 - 4PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Damaged Goods

In my opinion and I've been guilty myself. What is essential to realize and own is the fact that it doesn't matter if they get the hint or not...it's whether we do. What does this mean? It means it doesn't matter if he tries...what matters is what steps you're willing to take to close the chapter. For those cases where it is difficult to grasp the concept there is Law Enforcement... Thus whether he will or won't remains of little consequence to ponder other than what's the plan if and when it happens and how are we going to move on from the ordeal. Again, no one can penetrate a wall we choose to erect...unless we let them.
Feb 27 - 4PM
really
really's picture

Yes, he will be back. But

Yes, he will be back. But the door is only open if YOU open it. The only way to protect yourself is to eliminate any contact whatsoever. I hope you do not have kids with him??? You need to prepare mentally for him to come poking back around. I suggest you read everything you can get your hands on here about how important NC (No Contact) is! If he calls, don't answer, don't call him back. If he leaves a VM, delete w/o listening. If he texts, don't read it, don't answer. If he emails, don't read it, don't answer. Block him via all forms of communication if you can. If you are friends on FB, unfriend and block him. If he shows up at your door, don't answer. This is the ONLY way for you to recover from what he's done to you. It sounds like you have a good grip on what's going on. Ignoring him will be the hardest thing you have ever done. If you need to talk about any of it, come here. If he contacts you and you are going crazy trying to figure out what to do and whether you have the strength to do it, come here and we'll help you through it! We've all been there and can help. You will be OK.
Feb 27 - 4PM (Reply to #8)
Damaged Goods
Damaged Goods's picture

Do they ever go away?

Thanks for your repsonse. No, we do not have kids together. Thank the Lord for that. When he left this time, he blocked my number so that I can not call him or text him, he blocked me on FB, and asked that all communication with me go through a mutal friend. (I ran in to him at a store) I didn't even know where he had gone and the only reason I wanted to know where he was, was so that I could file the divorce papers and have him served. He has asked me to leave him alone. Not a problem! I did file the papers and the divorce will be done in 5 months. It's quick in PA. I also had to block the mutal friend on FB because he was so chummy with the new GF that it bothered me. I'm really afraid of him because he did go to jail for 4 months because of DV on me. I had a PFA order but it expired because he hadn't done anything recently. I;m not afraid of taking him back, I'm afraid of seeing him and how he will act to me. Everytime he comes back he gets his hooks in me with the promises and such. I'm not doing this anymore! I figured he would be done with me because I won't be his NS anymore. He gets no sympathy here and I have made sure I told him I didn't love him anymore. Why would osmeone come back after all that?
Feb 27 - 4PM (Reply to #9)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

They come back

Because it is a compulsion and obsession with control. It has nothing to do with you as a person...it has to do with dominance and how his ego feels powerful if he can collect and capture your psyche and soul... It's about power and control...nothing more nothing less. Do not give him that control...it's all psychological...he's stuck in the house of mirrors... It really is sick. Detach with love...love heals...relinquish hate and pain for negative sticks to us as much as the positive... Love because that is light...you don't have to be in love with him...love as a positive energy filling your being... All the best...
Feb 27 - 4PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

damaged goods

they will go away with no contact,mine left me after 15 years because he suspected I was on to him, tried writing him some letters and all I got back was hateful letters in return and he saying to his son I was'harassing'him, what an asshole with cancer now, what goers around may really come around ,he is getting what he deserves.they are not really human as you probably already figured it out!
Feb 27 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
Damaged Goods
Damaged Goods's picture

Do they ever go away?

I certainly hope he gets his too. It seems like nothing really awful happens to him. He just moves on to someone else and everyone thinks he's such a great guy. I'm the terrible terrible wife who told him he had to leave. I was his punching bag, I was the one whose money he spent. I was the one who lied in court for him, I was the one who kept things goingf and tried to keep him out of trouble. But I'm the TERRIBLE one! I'm really afraid he will come back. Everyone has said that. I told him I don't love him anymore and filed for divorce. Shouldn't that be enough?
Feb 27 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

OWL and Damaged...

OWL...you may remember because we've been here a while my curse of the locusts with the basketball players rant or the deep desire to run him over rant...I read these the other night and was sitting here cracking up and noting how much progress I've made in such a short time...AND I believe it was this board, becomming educated, sharing with you and others that helped me. If I may offer you some things that worked for me... I know that part of the healing is getting it out...feeling every vile emotion there is to feel and going through it rather than suppressing...purging it... For me, at a certain point I tried very hard to force myself to get away from that thinking of sending hopes of karma his way...and you know what...I fell off the wagon, I did establish contact and everything I read and know was NO LIE and I could see and predict his reactions and he was textbook and so I could put that baby to bed once and for all! The hurt, the cd over betrayal, how anyone could exist in this realm like that is still hard to process but I accept because I saw, felt and exprienced it. IT is a fact...for me the work that needed to be done and is still a work in progress is releasing it... Something I tried was to not hope for any Karma, or anything bad...make him a neutral mental ph so to speak? BECAUSE in wishing bad karma or whatever...we're still thinking about him. Whenever a thought would come to mind, I'd remind myself of the facts...and that the only one I need to concern myself with is ME and that the universe whether I like it or not will deal with HIM in the manner IT sees fit and from this point on...HE, his karma, his mental health status, whatever is NOT my concern. Whenever you get these thoughts...and yea, they sneak up on you...try to re-focus and re-direct. Again, I'm not 100 percent but it's made a tremendous difference for me. All the best!
Feb 28 - 2AM (Reply to #6)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

For Michele

you made some real valid points in your post to me, to refocus on myself , I never wish either good or bad karma on anyone, but you know many of us have said, the comment what goes around, comes around and when I found out over the holiday about his cancers from his first wife, all I could think of was WOW, maybe the universe does take note on those people who seek to ruin or destroy others,not all the time by a long shot but it really freaked me out. In 2 years I finally feel on the road to recovery Michele and what agood, but sometimes sad feeling, it is and I even feel ready to go out into the dating world! i have alwaysbeen impressed by your rapid progress while i chugged along!
Feb 27 - 5PM (Reply to #4)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

dulicate post

duplicate post
Feb 27 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Damaged goods

With NORMAL people when you talk to them, it is enough, but not with these men or women, they are sick,disordered people and do not view the world in the same light we do, they truly live in their own world, a world of sickness .they are scared, frightened little toddlers who never grew up to become real men.