Do they care? Do I mean something to them?

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#1 Oct 6 - 11AM

Sea

Do they care? Do I mean something to them?

For those who are like me, their N doesnt hoover and feeling so hurt.

This is a very good read.

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dont-they-care-about-me-didnt-i-mean-som...

End of day I think my N does "care" but not in the normal way I would expect. He is only capable of giving his N version of "care". Do I mean something? Yes, as a supply for him. All boils down to the fact that he is disordered.
So its impossible for me to have a real relationship, real intimacy with him. There is only one way, to let him go.

#2 Oct 7 - 1AM

Sea

I'm sorry that this article

I'm sorry that this article creates some confusion. This was written for normal breakups not N. But I find it warm and soothing to read. My exN always says he does "care" and always will. The problem is my definition of care is different from his. He is disordered so he thot "N care" is care. Cant help him on that. The article points out some care are "abusive care". Yes there are "care" but toxic, do we want it - of course not. Do we mean anything to them, actually yes but not in the way we wish for. To the N we are supplies and in their disordered ways this is acceptable and the only way they know. To us - not acceptable. The way i seek out answers to my 2 most important questions I have is also due to my encounter with my exN. He was very passive- aggressive. If he has been outwardly violent i would use a very different yard stick. I think its important that we adapt all we learn here to our individual circumstances to help ourselves recover. I realised no one can make us heal. We must be totally honest with ourselves and want to heal. Hugs Sumiko

#3 Oct 6 - 9PM

newbegginings

Its not worth it believe me...

I understand what you are all feeling, because I wanted the same...He hoovers sometime, for me he is all over the place with how he behaves. Every time he hoovered after weeks of no contact, I would forget instantly my pain and suffering and just be so happy that he came back. I see now how badly he affected my physche. Last four weeks of no contact I broke and sent a message...he made me wait a day and then blamed me that I finally contaced him. He told me that his been busy and that he would call me early next week(That is this week) and nothing...no call no message...until first thing this morning..."Hello gorgeous how are you feeling" I am not replying, this is my first real NC. Guys, it's not worth it, they play games and the whole hoovering feels good for the moment, because once they know they still have you, they dump you again. I am sure that one day, sometime you will all hear from your disordered ones...guaranteed...They all want to be adored in the end, just depends what they have going at the time...wait till there currect interest dwindles, they go back to the old trusty faithfulls!! Stay away, and dont wish for the demon...remember..be careful what you wish for! Love and strength to you all...and me(have to stay away!) Timtam

#4 Oct 7 - 3AM (Reply to #11)

Sea

Tim Tam

Interesting that so many of you says the disordered one will contact again --- 1 day --- can be 20 years later. If my disordered one try it many years down the road, most likely we would lose contact so even if he wants to I wont know. If he try within this year or so. I will know. I will update all of you here. If he being the coldest of the coldest (he claim he never need to go back any old GFs) and his coldness is like liquid nitrogen. If Mr. Liquid Nitrogen contacts me it proves 1 theory. EVERY N will come back. I keep everyone posted. NC all the way for me.

#5 Oct 7 - 7AM (Reply to #12)

Froglegs

Ditto.

XN has also stated once he's done, he's done. He has cut several people out of his life at the snap of a finger, even his own mother for making a decision about her finances he did not agree with. So yea, let us know if yours ever contacts you again and I'll do the same. I would be very surprised.

#6 Oct 7 - 7AM (Reply to #13)

Sea

watch out for xmas

litmus test - if he skips that very unlikely he would turn up. Not that i want him back at all, in all honesty - NOPE Just a good test if all N turns up again Keep us posted!!

#7 Oct 6 - 8PM

Sparrow

Tresor, exactly! I agree

Tresor, exactly! I agree 100%. As a matter of fact, they are so twisted they sometimes, for a moment, almost believe their own words! It's insane!

#8 Oct 6 - 7PM

dulcinea441

I am also in pain that my XN

I am also in pain that my XN doesn't hoover. Yes, I know that it's illogical to want such a poisonous and destructive person back in my life; I know intellectually that I'm better off without him, that I should be thankful if he never returns -- but I simply can't get past the sense of total rejection right now. I was completely devoted to him. I showered him with love and affection, even as I received nothing in return. His cold-hearted rejection and total silence toward me without a hint of remorse make me feel as though my entire life and humanity have been utterly discarded as worthless trash. I know in time I will see things more clearly and begin to internalize the truth of what he is, but right now, my continued feelings of love for him, and my inability to reconcile the truth of his nature with what my heart still so desperately wants leaves me feeling such grief and loss as I have never known. I pray every day for this suffering to end, yet I know that it will probably go on for a very long time and I wonder how I can go on. I feel so tired in my soul.

#9 Oct 6 - 2PM

Sparrow

We are as meaningful to them

We are as meaningful to them as their refrigerator, car, shoes..............that is it! DO NOT be fooled into thinking otherwise! We are mere objects to them, that is it. I am sorry to say, but it is what it is........and it's not a difficult thing to wrap your head around once you understand, grasp and accept this as a fact.

#10 Oct 6 - 8PM (Reply to #7)

tresor2

Sparrow, Yes, I never meant

anything to him the entire 8 years; I was an object who served one of his particular needs, nothing more. I was replaceable; he juggled me with his other sources and even though I ended it several times, he's the one that committed the final D & D, just like a true N. The article is very good but, I don't think it's written about ending relationships with N's. The last time I saw exN, his parting words were, "I'll always love you." What the hell does that mean, other than he's parroting a movie line from the Bodyguard. The words have no meaning other than to inflict pain. The article is correct in saying he's moved on and we need to move on too. But, moving on from N abuse is difficult, that's why we're on this blog.

#11 Oct 6 - 11AM

Totally Stunned

Thanks Sea for sending this.

Thanks Sea for sending this. Yep - I am still in the acceptance phase and seem stuck on the fact that my ex narc is not hoovering at all. NOthing. Nada. And all I can think of is "why?" Why isnt my ex narc hoovering? I mean, isnt that how its supposed to work? I keep reading how they are never gone, they will be back, so I keep waiting for that day he is back, but he never comes back? Then I wonder, why not me? I know. Its all good that he doesnt hoover, but right now, I am not in that place. I am stuck in the "wanting him to hoover" because I feel that means he cares about me. Man, I cant wait until i get past the acceptance phase and enter the angry phase. Getting close! TS

#12 Oct 7 - 1AM (Reply to #5)

ifinallygotit

TS

I used to feel like you wanting the hoover - then I started accepting it was really a nightmare and over and started doing some good things for myself and coming out of the stupor - then 11 months after he moved and 9 months after the last phone call and 5 months after the last text he suddenly reappeared in my city and hoovered. At first I resisted and then decided to meet him...we had a lovely evening. He texted twice and called only once when I was in ER and completely went silent again. It has been a big set back for my recovery...don't be jealous. At first I was glad to see him but now I think I just fed his sickness

#13 Oct 6 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

Sea

I understand how u feel. I

I understand how u feel. I felt the same too. Why i am not even worth hoovering? I realised i am still seeking validation from him. No end to this, what happens if he is gone forever does that mean i keep waiting and hoping? Nope, i work on my own healing too. Letting go requires so much courage but dont under estimate we do have that power in us! Healing comes as NC continues. There are success stories here to motivate us. Hunter says rule of thumb 18 mths. I hope by a yr down i see light and smiling. You can do it too. Hugs Sumiko

#14 Oct 6 - 2PM (Reply to #3)

Froglegs

I understand, too.

TS, I can totally relate to wanting to be hoovered as well, even though I know it will only cause pain. It would, at least to me, feel like validation that he is at least thinking about me if only for a fleeting moment. Hopefully, we'll both realize that not being hoovered is a blessing. But yea, I'm right there with you right now. One thing I keep telling myself that is helping is he's not hoovering because right now he's spending too much energy schmoozing his next victim. That makes me sick to my stomach.

#15 Oct 6 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

MandyM

What you guys said. :-) I'm

What you guys said. :-) I'm so much better than I was a year ago, but yeah, it still bothers me that mine never came back around.

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