Do they ALWAYS devalue and discard?

I think we are ALL devalued. We are put down and critized, whether it with sarcasm or just plain mean!!! However, I dont feel we are all discarded. I think the discard comes with us saying ENOUGH! and only, only....if there is a women who can (in there mind) be better then you! My N will never ever ever find someone better and he knows it. He is going back to the trash in his life. I believe that makes it harder for him to GIVE UP. I make him look good in our city to everyone. The trash is embarrasing for him, and makes him look horrible. And we all know, they hate to look BAD! So I beleive the devaluing, is to make you feel worthless and stay in this hell with them, and the discarding is when you dont and wont follow orders. Or there is someone who makes the N shine brighter. They will never leave you if there is no where to go......

I hope that you all keep sharing your stories with me and keep the comments coming. It saddens me that i took this huge step backwards... even the nightmares have started again. I dreamt about him last night... with another woman. I haven't experienced that for 2 weeks and now I am thrown back into it. I even opted out of therapy because I felt so good. I will go this upcoming week.... I obviously have more healing to do and i didn't realize the healing process was ALSO an up and down process- even thought I have learned in school that the grieving and healing process is not steadily progressive. I am going to read read read. I have to get rid of this dull pain in my heart. I want it gone. I am tired of obsessing over him.... makes me feel like i will never have a normal life. This is so unfair. All i did was love him... tried to have fun with him; dealt with his temper tantrums, pouting, pulling away, sleeping in the other room if i accidentally fell asleep before giving him sex- then giving him sex at 4 am to 'make up' for my mistake of falling asleep, then later being totally rejected ..... enough of going through all the scenarios- it happened so many months ago; it's over and there is nothing I can do about it. Jess

Keep in mind also that they usually become everything to you so that you will become dependent on them. So you are more likely to stay when he starts his N dance of abuse. It's a manipulation, this caretaking. My exN used to want to do everything for me and at the beginning I would protest and tell him I can do that for myself! But my resolve didnt stick and I slowly allowed him to "take care of me". Yes, he was very good at it and it made me feel very loved. So I understand the hook. It wasnt long before he changed though. Other woman. Devaluing me and the pain he caused me. It's all a game to them Jessika. They are really really good at first so that you feel there is no one else who can fill their shoes. They want us to yearn for that fake guy. Can you imagine the energy they have to put in each moment of the day playing pretend? So... Jessika...SNAP OUT OF IT! (Moonstruck..lol)

I wondered that alot, from my experience with one, They seem to go through cycles of Devalue and Discard, they can discard you for months, put you aside then try to enter your life again, you always had value to him its just when he decides he needs it from you. He will do this with EVERY romantic partner, including the live in GF's, wives, they can be living with them but little do they know he has discarded them, he will be too busy to spend much time with them, too tired to be intimate, always working. I believe their relationships are a CONSTANT CONFLICT, they are always having to make excuses for their lack of commitment they have, I believe they only give what they absolutely HAVE TO to keep them around and nothing more, they serve as their constant, steady supply and NOTHING MORE to them. His behavior will NEVER change for anyone else, its a personality defect and because it is a disorder you cant take it personally, as if you were the only one he does this to, you didnt deserve it, the GF's never deserved it, the wives never deserved it, they all gave and loved and trusted and it got them nowhere. TO BE CARED FOR AT WHAT COST AND PRICE TO YOUR LIFE? HEARTACHE NO PEACE AND TOTAL DESTRUCTION is what mine did to me. Of course its not a silly question wondering if they do this to everyone, I wondered that too, no question is silly when it comes to them they are soo NOT NORMAL and their behavior is almost insane. Always go with your gut feeling because its RIGHT, never let them doubt all that you are, never let them make you feel you did something to warrant their crazy behavior, YOU DID NOTHING, look what you are dealing with. Rest your mind and heart better days ahead.

You can thank your brain for 'helping' try to phase out the bad memories, and help you think of good things. This is a natural occurrence & normal. You know how when someone is traumatized, say, in childhood...they can only remember bits and pieces? In OUR cases, this is not a good thing. That's why you have to keep what he actually did to you fresh in your mind. You say you're reading, that's great. But I recommend you write down why you're no longer with him..in a journal, or get a stack of index cards and write separate situations or incidents down. So he may have been a good provider, handy, etc...but at what price? To make the rest of your life hell, to reduce you to someone you weren't so he could have power and control over you? I'm telling you, WRITE IT DOWN. If he sent you nasty emails or letter, read them. Soon, you will have the jolt of reality to show you who he actually is. Remember, if they were total losers from the beginning with NO good attributes, it's doubtful many of us would have started a relationship with them to begin with. They ALL have certain "redeeming" qualities. If he's a true narcissist, he goes out of his way to build an image. Mine did too, he was a dream boyfriend/fiance from outward appearances. Don't forget how it really was. Oh and what Cgrl said is spot on! I don't know the guy, but I can reassure you he is NOT having a wonderful life. He is merely sucking up supply wherever he can in order to survive...like a vampire. He has no human attribute that counts. You know the REAL him. I think it takes a while for that trance to really ware down, we have to help it along a LOT. We all go through the missing him phases, it's because we thought things were real...they were to us. No, you played no part in being discarded, except that you were in the wrong place and the wrong time by no fault of your own. When someone is mugged while walking down the street, did they play a part in the mugging? I think of my ex as someone who violated me -- like a mugger. For a long time, the weekends were the worst, and I felt just the way you're feeling. Get busy, do something for yourself. Know that you have freedom from a loser who didn't deserve even one minute of your time. Hope your day gets better!

Listen Jess- I have been where you are and continue sometimes. They do it to EVERYBODY. She is no different. She will go through all the good stuff and then he will pull the rug. I promise he will. They dont change. She is YOU - she will get treated the same way eventually. YOU did nothing!!! YOU loved him, thats all you did. I think that too but you know what - there is NOTHING IN THIS WORLD that would ever cause YOU to act like he did- discard you, make you feel worthless. YOU would never do that to him. YOU probably always showed support like I did. YOU did nothing. YOU loved him, thats all. Stop replaying all the conversations, all the actions because if his ACTIONS actually matched his words we both would not be here right now. He is NOT having a wonderful life. If you THINK a wonderful life is faking EVERYTHING then yes, he is. He is getting something from her. Thats all it is. I know it hurts. It hurts like hell but guess what - do you really want to go back to feeling like shit again? I dont think so. See we still love pretend guy. We want pretend guy. We know how wonderful pretend guy can be but pretend guy does not exist. Your heart will catch up with your head. I promise. Just keep reading here like I do. We will be okay. Here is a kleenex - wipe those tears. He does not deserve them.