Do they act this way with every woman or just chosen ones?

30 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 May 30 - 7PM
SusieSwizzle
SusieSwizzle's picture

Do they act this way with every woman or just chosen ones?

Im new to this forum so first, THANK GOD for it..It is truly helping me stay NC for over a month after being in a year and few month relationship with one of the most cold-hearted and cruel men Ive ever known and sadly fell deeply in love with.

Long story short, I was always shafted w/time spent together..Id always get excuses that he was so busy trying to get his business in order and that he wanted/needed to make more money so that we could eventually settle down..what a crock of shit..anyway his 'business partner' was a woman..I had a suspicion that they were together..hed blatantly deny it, sometimes getting angry with me over it...we have many mutual FB Friends who would comment about her, saying that she was 'out there' bc of the way she dressed *like a slut hello* and all this other jazz. They were promoting clubs together..bc of my work ethic Id told him that I knew the jist of how clubs and the scene worked, so Id let him 'work' and not goto his events bc I knew women would be all over him, and I trusted him (haha) and said 'u gotta put urself out there so Ill let u work'...anyway..months go by and we goto Miami a week after my birthday (which he did nothing for me)..we actually had a GREAT time except for when a friend said to me that she heard he had a GF...the ho...so I called him and flipped bc I was in Miami first..and he was flying in the next day...again..he vehemently denied it..got MAD AT US for mentioning him...and said that we needed to learn how NOT to talk about him when he wasnt around.. whatever he talked his way out of it..we had a really GOOD TIME..romantic, sweet, fun..week later someone on FB sent me an email with a picture of HIM AND HER KISSING in a pic that was taken in the WINTER...my heart broke and I have been a disaster since...he avoided me at all costs..then BLAMED ME FOR HIM DOING IT..he said that he was sorry for letting the 'next chick' walk into his life but I was to blame bc I always mentioned my ex, saying that hed never treat me so badly..Im like WTF!!! YOU DID TREAT ME BADLY!!! Anyhow, I was blamed for his cheating...he never apologized, and he's apparently still with her..Id bet hes been with her for at least 5 months now...My question...do you think he will treat her the same? Or will he be good to her? IDK why this bothers me..I mean Im pretty, educated, stylish, get hit on all the time..and he left me (well by default) for a girl that poses half naked on the internet all the time..I dont get it..why is he good to her? IS HE GOOD TO HER?? WTH He told me he couldnt settle down but then ppl are saying shes his GF..I am confused..I dont cry much anymore..Im still in a zombie-like state really. I feel attached to my computer..bc I dont want to go out yet..I try..I just Im not ready yet...Can someone help me out here..How long will it take..or will it happen with her..oh then he told me "Her and I wont last very long, she is not on my level mentally..at all...you were the only one" WTF!!!!! WTFFF and WTFFFF!!! HELP----please???

May 31 - 2PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

They abuse ANYONE

Anyone whom they perceive as "weak." My former Narc boss was abusive... he was openly gay... he had a boyfriend. I don't think he treated men better than women. However, he was easier on fellow Narcs than he was on me. He still pals around with a female coworker whom he called a b*tch and whom he put on disability (and lied about) Ns/Ps don't discriminate according to gender. They hurt women immensely... but let's not count out the men either. Men suffer too. I saw the ex-Psych prof treat his male advisee as badly as he treated me. This male disciple was immensely devoted to him. I don't think he got treated any better.
May 31 - 11AM
Steph
Steph's picture

Sweetheart, he will do the

Sweetheart, he will do the same thing to EVERY woman. GUARANTEED. There are NO exceptions. I know it's hard to grasp....but his words are nothing but a big serving of bull shit. A narc is a narc is a narc and they don't change and they don't treat the next woman better. He cheated on you with her...he will cheat on her with someone else. There is no "right" girl for these folks. Have u heard the saying "FUBAR".....it means Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition. That is what he his. FUBAR. He discards every woman. A narc is hopeless and any "relationship" a narc has with any woman is HOPELESS. and this has NOTHING to do with you or your worth.
May 31 - 7AM
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

My ex has had from my

My ex has had from my knowledge 4 including me failed relationships and he always dumps them if he doesn't leave you first then he still considers you as his "property". in fact i had broken up with him for two years and he said i had cheated on him . i told him we were not together then ! and then thats when i realized in his mind we were still together unless he leaves me. its all about control yesterday he really unloaded on me and thats what i get for going over there . he kidnapped my our son and returned him and then i went over there to give him a piece of my mind and only left feeling worse than before. so now i never talk to him again!
May 31 - 12PM (Reply to #27)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

findingmeagain

that is a good one because my exnarc, said to me after we had broken up for close to 4 months, that I was cheating on HIM, even though we were done then after we got back together and he asked me what i had been doing all the time and i innocently said I met a man for coffee from online, so I was cheating in his sick mind. I was the one for a change to leave him, I got what you are saying, in his sick, twisted mind, I was cheating................ they are done with you only if THEY leave you FIRST other wise you are still their property..great analogy
May 31 - 6AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

hi, suzieswizzzle

Welcome aboard to this forum. My Exnarc had 5 failed relationships , he blames the women in each and every one. Don't forget they must be right and in control.when i wrote to him who is the common denominator in your 5 failures, he went crazy and called me every ugly name under the sun.they are truly nuts and personality disordered, I never say mentally ill because that is treatable often.
May 30 - 10PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Susie

Sorry for your pain and congrats on your month of NC. These fockers are difficult to wrap your brain around. They often suffer from the madonna/whore complex and they tend to treat the madonna nice in the beginning and then they get bored because they are mostly sexual deviants so they seek out the whore for their sick pleasure. They usually treat her o.k. in the beginning to suck her in and then after awhile she gets dumped on 10 times worse than the madonna because after the initial thrill wears off she is treated like they believe a whore should be treated, this mostly plays out in private so you would never even know it was going on. They are conflicted, they like to have both and I'm sure he would have, had you not found out. They treat you both badly just in different ways. They seldom stay with the whore for a long time unless there is no other madonna in the wings. Sadly but on some sick level having you balances it out. He gets the best of both worlds in his sick mind. I was deeply in love with mine as well and this is all heart breaking. I don't know how long it will last. Difficult to say. Even if he was to win you back with lies, he would do it again with someone else no question. Cheaters cheat again. He will set up this same senario with new players over and over again. He sounds like he has access to constant supply. Just keep sharing and getting it out. No one deserves to be treated like this and NC is the way to go. Takes awhile to heal. My prayers are with you tonight. God bless, Goldie
May 31 - 6AM (Reply to #23)
SusieSwizzle
SusieSwizzle's picture

Wow Goldie

Your post really hit me...Ive been trying to figure out if I was the Madonna or Whore. I know he was with a married woman for 6 yrs and kept her close. He dumped her after he met this hoe girl..all the while I think he was seeing her too behind my back..We talked mainly on the phone for about 20 hrs a week, about everything. Mainly about him, his feelings, his past, his doubts, his fears..he told me that hed never opened up to anyone the way he did with me. Sometimes he got mad at me and said I was interviewing him and I didnt want to meet who was inside of him because his insides are tormented. Its like he told me he was a Narc. he told me that I am the first woman to ever be at his level of intelligence and bla bla bla...I remember fights where I told him he treated me like a dirty whore and I hated it ... hed always pacify it by saying he doesnt tell whores his life story he just f*cks them...I mean..IDK..hed only have sex with me once a week..3 times if I was lucky, which I now believe he did when whomever it was was on her period. YUCK. But I do believe this now...I just wonder what I was. He used to call me his Angel. He said I was here to save him from himself. Towards the end I was a bitter angry woman with a foul mouth..I guess Ill never know which one I was...And I guess I shouldnt care... :) THANK YOU GOLDIE, et al...This board is amazing and empowering!!
May 31 - 10AM (Reply to #24)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Clearly you were the madonna

The madonna is the nice angel who they can talk with intellectually, don't put yourself down. The other one was the sexy dresser, not as bright ect... Another clue, the once a week sex this is how it is with the madonna after the initial honeymoon stage is over. Then they go to the whore for their "other" sick needs. They view you as their mother after awhile. Aside from all that, do you really want to be with a man who would even make a statement like this: " hed always pacify it by saying he doesnt tell whores his life story he just f*cks them." Sounds like a complete ass to even say something like this let alone believe it. As Oprah would say, "He is telling you who he is, believe him." God bless, Goldie
May 30 - 9PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

One of the great things about this Narc thing

Is once you get the hang of it how predictable they are...same story different bodies I presume...Geez, we could trade places and still have the same story to tell. I empathize with your pain, I was there a while back...on this end, I'm willing to offer you an iron clad guarantee that in time, you will realize they are TEXTBOOK. They don't change, they are disordered, they project, blame, abuse use intermittent reinforcement, screw with your head and we are here for you through the process... Please brainwash yourself it isn't you it's him, and he won't change and everyone gets treated like garbage by these pathetic sick individuals... Stick to the forum, the fog will lift...I promise you. Hugs!
May 30 - 10PM (Reply to #21)
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Michele, Different bodies or

Michele, Different bodies or shape shifters? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZK8POoP_vZY They are the same with every woman-- nauseatingly typical. One should never labor under the assumption that their new woman, the other woman or some derivation there of is ANY better off than we were. If they ARE having a better time, it's just temporary. There is only one emotion the victim of a narc should have for other women who will eventually be equally tortured and that is compassion. Victims horrified by narc abuse for the first time have to realize that they will eventually get to peace in themselves, and sympathy for the other women. Narcisissists and psychopaths truly suck. Their's is the malarial form of true love.
May 30 - 9PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

They don't change. They only

They don't change. They only change women. Remember that. Sad, but true. Mine went through 4 wives. FOUR. He's not even 40 yet. Definitely a busy guy, eh? lol So...know that they don't change. They just change women. I'm sorry this happened to you. Know we're here for you!
May 30 - 10PM (Reply to #18)
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Busy guy?

Busy "guy"? I prefer "relatively active life form" and even that is being too kind.
May 31 - 7AM (Reply to #19)
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Spot on!

Spot on!
May 30 - 9PM
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Definately treat them the same!!

Without a doubt they do. Mine usually stays in a relationship for 4-5 years. From the outside looking in everything looks perfect. The ex of his before me was (according to the N and his friends) a total slut who cheated and was into drugs. Basically a total nutjob. It's very interesting because now she is marriedwith a child and very respectable now. She doesnt even smoke, let alone take drugs. Just more proof to me that he treats everyone like this eventually.
May 30 - 8PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Even with men

The ex-Psych prof treated male students better than female ones (the latter he treated condescendingly), and he'd ogle men in my presence instead of women, he'd say he preferred the company of men. Did it mean he treated men better than women? No. He wouldn't give eye contact to his male advisee on his senior thesis. He gave the silent treatment to a male professor who called him by his real name. He wanted me to think that he treated me poorly since I'm female... boy was I wrong. If it weren't for the ex-P's ex-BOYFRIEND, I would've probably gotten romantically/sexually involved with him.
May 30 - 8PM
hopeful43
hopeful43's picture

do they act this way with every woman

I think eventually they do treat every woman the same in the end-it is just a matter of time. They feel out the situation and see how long do i have to pull the wool over this one's eyes until she figures me out. When i met mine he said he had 5 different women's numbers blocked and then proceeded to say 'oh don't worry one day you too will be blocked' I was dumb enough to think if i was nice enough, pretty enough, cooked better than those other women-boy was i wrong!!! Mine was only married once for a year and had 1 child with this woman, i cannot imagine the hell she has had to go through. He has been engaged 3 times after that and they all left him-now i know why. He told me he had never seen anyone act the way i do-bull they drive women crazy. I did not have the type of problems before that i now have after meeting this person. I dated nice people before and if we broke up then we moved on and i have stayed friends with alot of my ex's. I have never experienced someone going back and forth in my life like this, it is the most bizzare and frustrating thing i have ever known.
May 30 - 8PM (Reply to #13)
SusieSwizzle
SusieSwizzle's picture

These people are scary

To know and read how SIMILAR they all are..is SO SCARY..I will probably never understand how they cant feel..I just have to learn it...and FAST...its so confusing how they operate..and they DO SAY THE STRANGEST one liners sometimes...alot of times hed recycle sentences I knew Ive said before..its like theyre human tape-recorders or something..well at least in my case he was...that was one of the cues that he was screwing around..new phrases..terms..they were new..and I picked up on it..terrible men these wolves are huh?!
May 30 - 8PM (Reply to #14)
Avid
Avid's picture

these people are scary

Yes they are scary mine did the same thing when he was cheating I could tell because his vocabulary totally changed they are freaking scary.
May 30 - 7PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Suzie

Idealize,devalue, discard, Rinse and repeat. Welcome Hunter
May 30 - 7PM (Reply to #11)
Avid
Avid's picture

Hunter

I love that rinse and repeat, so true
May 30 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
SusieSwizzle
SusieSwizzle's picture

Rinse & Repeat?

Do you mean he will try to come back to me or do you mean he will do this with every woman? IDK..this is the longest weve ever gone NC..I dont plan on contacting him..and IDK if he will contact me..I just wonder how he treats her..sigh...a hoe...lol..sigh...its not her fault but still..
May 30 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Susie

Everyone gets the same treatment. Rinse and repeat. just means he will keep getting supply from anyone who will give it. If he's low he'll try you again or move onto the next woman. They tend to return. Take this silence and prepare your self. You must learn about this disorder to survive. Once you really understand this you will free yourself from the devil. it takes time and work on your part. They do not think the way you and I do. They live in Disney Land. Hunter
May 30 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
SusieSwizzle
SusieSwizzle's picture

the Devil...

Funny you say that Hunter, because he's always tell me that he was a Martyr (IDK Why) and when wed fight (and we FOUGHT-maily me flipping like a lunatic over his INactions) Id call him the Devil...if he was giving me the ST that would ALWAYS make him respond...Maybe he knows deep inside he's evil...IDK..it was a provoking word to break silence every time..so strange..the only word..I wonder why in Gods name these people are so damned evil...feel like a rape victim..I cant even THINK of sex right now..it feels dirty to me now...sigh...
May 30 - 8PM (Reply to #9)
hopeful43
hopeful43's picture

regarding the Devil...

I feel exactly the way you do about sex right now as well. Mine pushed me to extreme sexual limits for me, but not for him. I don't even want to buy lingerie anymore, because it was such a focus in our relationship. I have trouble even hearing some songs and seeing some tv shows where sex is referred to, i hope that someday i can see sex as a loving exchange between two people, but for now i feel violated and like an animal that was caged. Also mine used to joke around about rape and use the word 'moleste' all the time-it makes me sick, does that mean that was what was going on in his mind?
May 31 - 6AM (Reply to #10)
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

I feel this way too I would

I feel this way too I would picture this is probably what he is doing with the OW .
May 30 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Susie

You were raped. We all were emotionally. Im sorry, I've been reading a bit on my beach vacation. :) It appears they are either smothered as children by mommy or neglected. The question I have, is it nature or nuture? I tend to believe if you come from a family of narcs it just becomes a bad habit. Like a ripple effect. The bad treatment keeps rolling. The bottom line is anything they say makes zero sense. Its very scary. Welcome Susie to Fantasy Island. Hunter
May 31 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
SusieSwizzle
SusieSwizzle's picture

Nature/Nurture

I believe it's nature. My father is a Narcissist and he was always cold and callous, but to the world he was a hero that everyone ADORED..he treated his family like garbage...he was delusional..said things like how he wanted to run for Mayor of his town..off the wall stuff..he left my mom after 30 yrs to be with a younger woman..who in turn finally left him...he is now left with nothing and noone. he is completely ALONE and LONELY...he left a message on my phone this weekend saying that he called to say Goodbye..whatever that means..I dont care..bc he is probably the MAIN reason I fall for these creatures!! So to me...its nature..and bc they are inherently charming, the nuturing naturally follows suit because well..they are lovable...but evil...bastards all of them...
May 31 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
TNR1
TNR1's picture

I can't say that either of my parents is officially an N

But I do recall a lack of empathy growing up and the N games feel extremely familiar to me...the breadcrumbs of approval, the carrot stick that I could be loved "if only...", the contorting to try to figure out what would make my parents happy, the "hope" that someday I'd be loved/accepted for me, the withdrawal wheneven I did or said something that displeased them. It's all too familiar...and I agree, having an N parent or a parent that exhibits N behaviors does set you up for these guys. This is the second N I've been involved with.
May 31 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
SusieSwizzle
SusieSwizzle's picture

Hopeful...

Such a common word I think for how we feel for the Ns..I always stayed HOPEFUL...HOPEFUL FOR NOTHING...HOPEFUL FOR A LIE...blah!