do narcs tell us what we want to hear out of guilt for what they have done?

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Sep 29 - 5PM (Reply to #26)
ShaynasMommy
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Jaycee

"I have to listen to him tell me how he fked up and wishes he were still here, and how unhappy...." NO, ACTUALLY YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO ANYTHING. I repeat. NO, ACTUALLY YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO ANYTHING. NO, ACTUALLY YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO ANYTHING. NO, ACTUALLY YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO ANYTHING. Tell him to fuck off once and for all and be done with it all.
Sep 29 - 3PM (Reply to #15)
better off
better off's picture

It's all about him...

No, he is not saying things to make you feel better, or to even pretend to make you feel better. He doesn't CARE how you feel. In fact, it doesn't even occur to him how you feel, or even THAT you feel! You're an object. It is never ever ever about you. He is saying these things to MAKE YOU FEEL SORRY FOR HIM. For HIM. All of it is about HIM. And it always will be. It just happens to be a coincidence that these are things you want to hear. As you get better, you will NOT want to hear these things at all, trust me, but he will keep saying them to go for pity. You are a supply object to him, and your role is to sit there and listen to him WHINE about how terrible his life is. I don't suppose he wants to listen much to how YOUR life is. He obviously doesn't care how you are or what you are doing. Or he wouldn't be coming over and COMPLAINING. I suspect he has always used the pity angle with you for years, and you just haven't noticed it. He says all these things because you TOLERATE it. If someone was cheating on me, and had the audacity to sit there and actually SPEAK to me about, to my face, I would punch him in the mouth. But for some reason, you want to listen to this, because you think it is making you feel better. When you start GETTING better, you will realize this was a gigantic waste of time, and oxygen. In fact, I bet if you TOLD him that every time he says these things that it makes you feel SO GOOD, and it makes YOU feel better... he would probably stop saying them! OMG, he'd think, he's not trying to make YOU feel good, he's trying to make you put up with his BULLSHIT. He's trying to make you feel guilty for making him leave! I'm sure he goes right "home" and tells her how much he hates going over to your house and having to deal with you, and how unhappy he was with you, and pretty soon he's not going over there any more. They talk out of both sides of their mouths. He is speaking gibberish.
Sep 29 - 10PM (Reply to #16)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

its all about him

oh betty, she has no idea he comes here, she would tweek......i think she would come here herself and flip out. hes convinced her we dont speak and he picks his daughter up at the end of the drive way.........oh God, the scene this whore would cause if she ever knew he was here everyday, she would go ballistic...........she doesnt even want him with his daughter, let alone picking her up at the end of the driveway.........but i agree one hundred percent, when they were sneaking around he told her how unhappy he was here, and convinced her we had no life together, it was all for the finances and the kids. that was funny, her ever knowing he comes here. lol

Jaycee

Sep 29 - 10PM (Reply to #17)
better off
better off's picture

You only "know" what he

You only "know" what he tells you, darlin.' But yeah, somehow now you have become the whining post mistress... strange.
Sep 30 - 4AM (Reply to #18)
jaycee
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you only know what he

it is strange, i have become the whining post mistress, now his wife is his mistress, and his whore is homebase, so now he can complain about her to me, as he did me to her for two years or more. that is so fked up..........like they say, better to have him with her, wishing he were here, then, here, wishing he were there..........lol hes really got to have some serious issues, no wonder why he doesnt sleep, i wonder if he calls out my name during sex, since he says my name everyday, all day long, via text, phone, in person, lol.......now that would be sweet revenge..........oooohps......let the narc try to get out of that one...........speaking of texts, i just got one that said, you are still the best of all tiiiiiiiiiiiiiime.....yeah ok, the best for the moment, cause your whore was riding your back about picking up your daughter or not doing as she says............or oh thats right, fighting cause her apt is so damn hot and your wife has the air on high, ohhhhhh so cold here......lol

Jaycee

Sep 30 - 10AM (Reply to #19)
better off
better off's picture

But jaycee... the thing to

But jaycee... the thing to keep in mind is that he would send you texts like that whether she was the worst OR the best or just average. His treatment or view of you has NOTHING to do with OW or anything else. It's because of, and ONLY because of, his personality disorder. She could treat him like a king and never ask anything of him and he would still be sneaking around sending you texts like that... because THAT'S WHAT THEY DO! He could have seven mistresses, or none at all, and he would still do things like that. And this is what he was doing to everyone else while he was living in your house. So it is a strange irony, that you get the mistress texts now. Do you like that? Or is it gross? I think it's gross myself. You want to believe that he THINKS you are the best of all tiiiiime. That's understandable. BUT, what he thinks is NO reflection on you and your worth. The sooner you start believing that, that you have worth in your own right and it has NOTHING to do with what a three yr old in a man's body thinks, the sooner you can break free of this madness. It's not a reflection of you if he says he hates you, and it's not a reflection of you if he says you're the best. Do you know who he really thinks is the best of all time? HIMSELF! You are not in competition with other women. The competition is his love of HIMSELF. And nobody can beat that!
Sep 30 - 11AM (Reply to #20)
Used
Used's picture

betteroff

a question if i may... i have just read your posts to jaycee.. and i think omg thats true thats true... so my question is when me and exh finally split... he said to me quote... you gave me 2 things .....confidence and the ability to like my own company[he liked company] I KNOW I KNOW... but i am a bit of a loner.... so i took these 2 things on face value.. could you tell me what they ment just thought of something else.... he began talking to an old freind he fell out with... i said why are you talking to him again...they had a terrible fight....and he looked at me and said...IT ALL RIGHT FOR YOU NAME< YOU DONT GIVE A FLYING F>>K IF PEOPLE LIKE YOU OR NOT.... i didnt answer cos i didnt know why he said that,, its true i am not much of a people person... i like my own company... could you please let me know what all this ment.. perhaps i should have told you.... this man who likes his own company now.... has been in a relationship for 9 yrs that i know of.... found this out this year..... he was still visiting me,taking me shopping and so on.... and i didnt have a clue...till someone told me in the beginning of this year.
Sep 30 - 11AM (Reply to #21)
better off
better off's picture

More jive talkin' Okay..

More jive talkin' Okay.. they can't be alone because they actually can't stand their own company, and seriously, who can blame them? And besides that, who would be their audience? So he said you gave him confidence (which has to be inflated over and over and over again, I guess "confidence" is just another word for supply) and the ability to like his own company. Well that doesn't even MAKE SENSE. Liking your own company is about being comfortable being alone. See how twisted up their thoughts are? This is hard for me even to put into words... he identified himself with you.. he liked YOUR company and it made him able to pretend that was his own company. Someone used the word "introjection" recently... they PROject their nastiness onto us, and INTROject our good qualities onto themselves. It's even WORSE than vampirism, they try to do a personality TRANSPLANT. It's more like The Man With Two Brains, lol. He pretends he's like you so he can stand himself, I think. Or just because there is nothing there inside at all. That's the best I can explain it. And I think you are definitely misinterpreting the other comment that you don't give a crap if people like you are not. He meant that he was utterly envious of you not NEEDING everyone's attention and supply to survive. He's just talking about your sense of security. He doesn't have that. That's why they have to get more and more and more supply, what if they run OUT?! It was a huge compliment actually. :-)
Sep 30 - 12PM (Reply to #24)
Used
Used's picture

betteroff one more thing

can i just say this , if someone hurts me... i can cut them out of my life..... this i did to him as well... so thats what he means....just thought of this,when i came to board it was about my mum and narc but ended up about myexh as well.....but anyway when i met narc he said to me.... you are not using me to wind your exh up.... i said dont be stupid... he was such a low life and to look at as far removed from hubby as poss. my ex was very handsome and tall. narc is short and fat... they turned out to be the same man personality wise.lol...... but i never went near a man for nearly 9 years after divorce..... then met the narc..... would that have bothered my exh.... i never realy thought of it before.... destoyed his life.... he nearly destroyed mine....nearly beign the important word. didnt succed...
Sep 30 - 12PM (Reply to #25)
better off
better off's picture

Right, but it's the same

Right, but it's the same thing... you dont' have to have someone fawning over you to feel like you are important, even if you don't like them! You don't have to have every person you've ever met giving you their attention. He does.
Sep 30 - 12PM (Reply to #22)
Used
Used's picture

thankyou better off

i like the last bit the compliement...lol.... but still dont get why he said i taught him the ability to like his own company... as when we were married i used to say to him...do you have to talk to anybody and everybody its embarresing.. so when he said after we divorced i imagined him beign ok on his own...and now i am writng this i think havent i been a silly girl.... he is in a friggen relationship how is that beign on his own..... when i met the narc... i said he is only a mate.... and exh said i know that b/c you dont think much of men[wonder why?] i see this now for what it was...b/c one day he was here and said are you still mates with that name.... i said yes and yet you only gave it a year... which he had .this was 4years down the line... i saw such a flash of rage on his face, then it was gone so quick i thought i had imagined it i hadnt...thankyou for your input.... he must have hated me with the narc. for me to be in someone,s company24/7 forover 2 years i must have felt something for narc.specially me biegn such a loner lol. myexh must have known that . something else exh used to say to me....have you desroyed anyone,s life lately... what a bastard ...
Sep 30 - 12PM (Reply to #23)
better off
better off's picture

"Do you have to talk to

"Do you have to talk to anybody and everybody?" Yes he does. And it's because he is NOT okay being on his own. Anyway, don't spend too much time thinking about what he said. It usually means the opposite, or what he is, or it means something so convoluted and bizarre that you couldnt' understand it anyway. I mean come on, Have you destroyed anyone's life lately? Total projection of course. Too bad you haven't, hmm, then you'd have something in common.
Sep 29 - 10AM
fedup
fedup's picture

Telling you what you want to hear.....

is simply another way to mislead, and manipulate you through misrepresentation.In a nutshell.
Sep 29 - 10AM (Reply to #10)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

fed up

so none of this is because he feels guilt or wants me to feel better, only another way to mislead me and keep me under his manipulative ways. I was starting to think he only said things out of guilt or to make me happy, ie saying things i want to hear, but once again, im assuming, its all about him and how he needs to continue manipulating me for his own dirty supply.......correct?

Jaycee

Sep 29 - 4PM (Reply to #11)
better off
better off's picture

Correct. They do not feel

Correct. They do not feel guilty about anything. And if they have some passing child-like feeling of "guilt" they still wouldn't change a damn thing they were actually DOING. So who cares what he says? Who cares if he says he's unhappy. He still lives there doesn't he? He still lets your kids down every day. What about them? The whole time he's been whining about his supposed "unhappiness" he can't give half a thought to the fact that his own children are DEVASTATED. He's too busy feeling sorry for.. HIMSELF. I always tell people that you DON'T have to feel sorry for a narc! Seriously. They feel so sorry for themselves that they have get plenty of pity.
Sep 30 - 11AM (Reply to #12)
Meadowbrook
Meadowbrook's picture

sorry enough for themselves

If I were still speaking with the OW I think that is the one thing I would tell her - not to feel sorry for him because he feels sorry enough for himself already. His MO is the pity party and she was inclined to feel sorry for him and want to help him which annoyed the heck out of me. I was thinking, hey, how about feeling sorry for the people whose lives he is ruining!
Sep 29 - 10AM
CarolKittyGale (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

What they say

When I spoke to N 8 months ago on the telephone he was really cruel and told me he didn't think he had ever loved me....I asked him why he had gone out of his way to tell me that he did love me and he said it was because it was what I wanted to hear. In my case it was to keep me happy enough to keep him around. He was always really jealous of any attention I got and always tried to put me down more so after I had had positive attention so really I should have took more notice of what I know that actions speak louder than words but then I was caught up in the addiction just like a gambler hoping the slot machine will pay out again if they keep having ago I hoped I'd get the good bits again.
Sep 29 - 10AM
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

Mine never ever said

Mine never ever said anythign to make me feel better... He just jeckyle and hyde'ed it... One day he is lovely guy, who listens a little mroe attentively the next day, miserable dark distant and out to get me... I think they say what ever they have too. I think they bveliee ther eown web of lies so much that they dont see that it is wrong. They are so engrossed in the lie that they dont have to feel guilt or shame... My narc ex thinks he is so kind and considertae, he think he works really hard and that he gives, gives, gives, and so he never has to fffel guitly or say the right things eitehr particularily. COS in his head he does not wrong and is perfect... perfetc dad, perfect husband etc etc.. what I am saying is.. NO, thet dont feel guilty about what they have done... cos in ther eheads they have not done anything worng.. They project all there inseciruities and shame and fear etc etc.. on to you.. that way they do not have to own any of the feelings that you raise in them.. I also dont think that they care whether you feel better or not.. They care if they feel better.. If lieingto you can make them feel bettter then they will do it... and lie they will... they will say one thing and then then the next they will deny it... These guys, true pure breed narcs will say what ever they have to in the very instance to het what they want, and if saying something that they later contradict (but maintain they didnt) suits to get you to 'comply', then I can guarantee they will say it.. Its always about them...
Sep 29 - 12PM (Reply to #7)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

I very much agree with this.

I very much agree with this. My N truly believed his own web of lies (at the time that he said them). If it turns out that what he said doesn't work later, he'll deny it all or claim that he never said it...then he'll fill in the blanks of his new story with whatever lie is convenient at the moment. My N was never trying to make me feel good. He was always trying to make HIMSELF feel good. If I ended up feeling good about something that he said, it was because he was WANTING me to feel that way in order for him to achieve some benefit for himself. He can also can whip out tears and pretend remorse as the need arises. There is ALWAYS self-motivation behind his actions and words. Like yours, according to my N, he was a GOOD husband, he was a WONDERFUL dad, only HE really knows what it is to be loving and giving, only HE knows what a good FAMILY is all about, and he claims to be good with money. To quote my sister, "N has a rich and full fantasy life going, doesn't he?". To this day N still claims all of the above about are true himself. Never mind that in reality, he's abused, not one, but TWO wives that truly loved him to the point that they divorced him, and they will NEVER marry again. His one daughter is a 20-year old junkie that is pregnant and living with gang members. His other daughter is quite aware that she was an unwanted child, and both of her parents favor the junkie sister. N has not one single penny saved to help this kid with college (and he didn't save for the junkie either). The junkie needs mental help and drug rehab. N hasn't lifted a finger to get any of it for her (and yes it is among his benefits at work...counseling is free). He owes more in credit card debt than I owe on my HOUSE. N has claimed bankruptcy once already and is rapidly heading toward round two. But according to N, he's a GOOD father, was a GOOD husband, and is GOOD with money. He'll (literally) say anything to others to maintain his illusion to himself, and he NEVER looks back at any of the damage that he's done to anyone in the process. Everything is always someone else's fault. He's just poor little innocent victim...and he'll lie, lie, lie trying to prove it, and to get whatever it is that he wants at the moment.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Sep 29 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

mine never said anything

qing, mine says everything to make me feel better, but maybe it is making him feel better about what hes done. he lies so much there is no truth left to his words. he continues to tell me how much he loves me misses me and how he knows hes fked up and should be home, yet, he continues to live with his whore and make a life with her, giving her the illusion of happiness, true love and all she ever wanted from him. I wonder if she will ever see the man behind the mask? i wonder if he does feel any guilt for all he has done to hurt me and our children, but i doubt it, i think he only does things that make him feel good for the moment, and sometimes he says things, then denies ever saying them, he has to be a true blue narc and a sick sob. when will i start to hate him for all he has done, when...........when will i not care who he lives with, what hes doing, i cant wait for that day.....

Jaycee

Sep 29 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

oh hon, I juts dont know

oh hon, I juts dont know when the pain goes away. I think when you have children its so much harder to disconnect. I have a son with mine.. Its like you have to be reiminded day in day out that there is someone you invested yourself into, you had a family with this guy, and yea, day in day out, his presence in your life just brings up all the unfinished unresolved shit that these guys bring up... I mean you fall deeply in love in probably a way that is unhgealthy anyway, they deoly every tactci to bridge all your boundaries. When your hooked and addicted, they becoem thepigs we know they can be and then the sonfuion arises, the pain, the anger, the hurt, the hate... Its a horrible preocess but I feel sure that one day you will thrive again. You have got to do everything in your power to to make your life worth living again... THAT DAY WILL COME... I dont know how or what you have to do, only you know that, but reach down deep... After all at least, youre not still with this guy. He will screw with this other woman eventually. It may not seee like it but you are BETTER OFF with t he your life as it is now then when you were with him... I am in deep financail trouble right now, but I AM STILL BETTER OFF THAN WHEN HE WAS LIVING HERE, tormenting me and crippling me with his abuse... It will get better.. Keep strong..x
Sep 29 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

thanks qing

you are right, i am better off without him in my life. he seems to rage when asked to do things for me, yet, when he needs anything i do it without question. hes selfish and cruel and just doesnt get it, he doesnt even realize the pain, and if he does, he thrives on it. he just raged at me again, because i asked him a favor, but when he asked me for one the other day, i said no problem, always there for his needs, but cant do anything to make me feel better or do a favor for me, cause its not about him. i wish i hated him and i wish i could wake up feeling hateful and sick of him and wishing i would never see him again..........i wish

Jaycee

Oct 1 - 11AM (Reply to #6)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

Jaycee, i can give you one

Jaycee, i can give you one out of a thousand examples of how the exN worked. He FINALLY got me to come back, tears, suicide comments, the whole gammut. I had met someone else during the time that he had disappeared for 12 days out of town saying he would be gone a week and ended stupidly went back again with all the promises, promises, promises. Within 3 mos he had started calling the first OW I had caught him with. I could see his phone record, it was becoming an obsession - she was becoming an obsession. This went on and on until finally the day he 'accidentally' ran into her (most likely was stalking her neighborhood waiting for her to show). So he finally gets her back, as I have now left once again, and guess what? She gives in, comes back, and he starts calling me and texting me endlessly. He is out of town with her and calling and texting me nonstop. She had not been back for a month. Make any sense to you? Never did to me. But this is how they do it. Love this quote, Betty. Hope you will put it in the favorite quotes section. This really nails it. "never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option". almostlydia

almostlydia

Sep 29 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
better off
better off's picture

Why?

"he seems to rage when asked to do things for me, yet, when he needs anything i do it without question." Why? "he just raged at me again, because i asked him a favor, but when he asked me for one the other day, i said no problem, always there for his needs, but cant do anything to make me feel better or do a favor for me, cause its not about him." Why are you doing favors for him? He chose a crazy Jersey Shore whore over you and your kids. Why would you say no problem and always be there for his needs? Let her do take care of his needs. Why should he have it both ways? Her and you. Sounds like a picnic for him. He does whatever he wants, gets served by two women, and has no consequences. That's called "cake-eating." And why do you do things for him "without question?" Or for anyone at all. Especially someone who doesn't reciprocate. After 20 years, do you think he's going to START reciprocating NOW? He's in the middle of an affair with someone else. Why cut him any slack? AND, why do you expect him to not keep taking advantage of you? As long as you do things for him without question, he will keep using you. I know you don't want to go NC, but for Pete's sake, can you at least stop doing him FAVORS?